My husband found out about my affair

[Life lessons]

You're killing me over here. No proof? Lol!!! I work in cyber security, this is what I do for a living. At the very least, you're being super naive about this. I'm kinda chuckling inside because the irony is lost on you that you've documented the details of your affair online for the world to see. All it takes is one little mistake like leaving your browser open, falling asleep with your phone open watching a video, etc and BAM, you'd be toast. And those are just accidental ways. If a BS paid a guy like me or a private investigator, the average wayward wouldnt stand a chance.

 

A big portion of my job is keeping data secure. To be completely honest, it's an impossible feat. If the data exists and your adversary is willing to throw the resources needed to gain it, it can be accessed. Every device you sexted to or talked on leaves a trail. The deleted files in unallocated extra space, backups in the cloud, ISP records, etc, etc. Unless you are willing to go Edward Snowden levels to maintain security, there's always something. Think about this for a second. The most powerful governments can't keep data secure and you think you can? Lol

 

And none of this includes the most likely way you're going to get caught. By your own admission, you met OM's friends and family. As the saying goes, the only way 3 people can keep a secret is if 2 of them are dead. So many more people know than you even realize. It's a simple roll of the cosmic dice as to whether one of them happens to feel sorry for your BS or simply dislikes you and let's the cat out of the bag. You say it will end up being his word against yours, but it would be his word, and then yours against a professional polygraph examiner. I take these test for my security clearances, and I can tell you first hand, those guys don't even need a machine to tell if you are being dishonest. Their career is based on spotting professional liars so the novice is simply light work to pay the bills. It's also not just "his word." Dude, he has pictures! What, you think he deleted them? OM has enough proof to bury you without saying a single word. There's also a plethora of other ways to get caught. You could talk in your sleep, blackout from medication or alcohol, or just blurt it out one day. In other words, it's foolish to think your are 100% in control of your facilities 100% of the time. Go ahead and roll that dice. Just keep in mind, the house always wins.

 

Thank you for your response! I'm quite familiar with the cloud and how devices store information. I have extensive knowledge in that field.

 

Since the A, I have had little messaging/sexting on my current phone. I have upgraded phones since and sold my used one..... I also always use the "private" browsing app., just so I don't have to worry about remembering whether I deleted the history to recently viewed web pages.

 

As far as the cloud, I have turned off the cloud so data is not backed up to it. I done this quite a while back. With that said, I do understand there are still some ways that it could be brought to light but hopefully it's a secret that I carry alone!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Herenorthere, Wow, Just wow. Mind boggling. I hope I'm never on the wrong end of the rope of guys like you. Thanks for clarifying things. Warm wishes.

[aliveagain]

You're killing me over here. No proof? Lol!!! I work in cyber security, this is what I do for a living. At the very least, you're being super naive about this. I'm kinda chuckling inside because the irony is lost on you that you've documented the details of your affair online for the world to see. All it takes is one little mistake like leaving your browser open, falling asleep with your phone open watching a video, etc and BAM, you'd be toast. And those are just accidental ways. If a BS paid a guy like me or a private investigator, the average wayward wouldnt stand a chance.

 

A big portion of my job is keeping data secure. To be completely honest, it's an impossible feat. If the data exists and your adversary is willing to throw the resources needed to gain it, it can be accessed. Every device you sexted to or talked on leaves a trail. The deleted files in unallocated extra space, backups in the cloud, ISP records, etc, etc. Unless you are willing to go Edward Snowden levels to maintain security, there's always something. Think about this for a second. The most powerful governments can't keep data secure and you think you can? Lol

 

And none of this includes the most likely way you're going to get caught. By your own admission, you met OM's friends and family. As the saying goes, the only way 3 people can keep a secret is if 2 of them are dead. So many more people know than you even realize. It's a simple roll of the cosmic dice as to whether one of them happens to feel sorry for your BS or simply dislikes you and let's the cat out of the bag. You say it will end up being his word against yours, but it would be his word, and then yours against a professional polygraph examiner. I take these test for my security clearances, and I can tell you first hand, those guys don't even need a machine to tell if you are being dishonest. Their career is based on spotting professional liars so the novice is simply light work to pay the bills. It's also not just "his word." Dude, he has pictures! What, you think he deleted them? OM has enough proof to bury you without saying a single word. There's also a plethora of other ways to get caught. You could talk in your sleep, blackout from medication or alcohol, or just blurt it out one day. In other words, it's foolish to think your are 100% in control of your facilities 100% of the time. Go ahead and roll that dice. Just keep in mind, the house always wins.

 

Your my new hero, couldn't have wordsmith'd it better myself. Everything you wrote is fact. Everyday that goes by without confessing it yourself will make surviving this that much more impossible.

[HereNorThere]

Thank you for your response! I'm quite familiar with the cloud and how devices store information. I have extensive knowledge in that field.

 

Since the A, I have had little messaging/sexting on my current phone. I have upgraded phones since and sold my used one..... I also always use the "private" browsing app., just so I don't have to worry about remembering whether I deleted the history to recently viewed web pages.

 

As far as the cloud, I have turned off the cloud so data is not backed up to it. I done this quite a while back. With that said, I do understand there are still some ways that it could be brought to light but hopefully it's a secret that I carry alone!

 

None of this includes OM's stuff which you have absolutely no control over. Nor does it include OM's friend's devices which I can guarantee you contain your pictures. Guys share these things whether you like it or not. It's a simple concept really. If they want their friends to share with them, they have to share with their friends. Every guy I know has a readily accessible collection of pictures, most of which are stored insecure places like iCloud, Google Drive, Dropbox, etc. Nearly all of the pictures come from snapchat because people think it deletes the pictures or provides some sort of security. Every guy that snaps defeated that mechanism a long time ago.

 

Go ahead and wrap yourself in that blanket of false security. I can only hope that if my SO cheats, she's as naive. Private browser? Lolllllllllll. Your private browser doesn't stand a chance against the most basic script kiddie. Maybe your husband doesn't possess the skill but he doesn't have to. The dark web is full of underemployed gray and black hats that would provide him with dumps of your information for a fraction of a Bitcoin (satoshi's.) This is your reality now. It never goes away. Better hope OM doesn't get mad, start drinking and decide to expose you. Better hope his next girlfriend doesn't stumble upon the collection. Better hope one his friends wasn't cheated on in the past and decide to take it out on you. This poster was busted years later. The people on Ashley Madison were exposed years later. What makes you think you're so special? I guarantee there's at least one salty person that looks at your social media everyday and thinks to themselves "Ugh, I hate cheaters. I should just go ahead and take her down."

 

I told my boss the other day "the only person who knows more about you than your doctor is your computer guy." Why do you think they polygraph me? How else do you keep the guy with the master key from unlocking any door he wishes? Don't be naive. You may have cleaned up the surface level stuff but nearly all of this is completely out of your hands. You don't control the data and you don't control the people. There will be day where you don't control yourself. You should probably make sure someone else picks you up from the dentist next time.

Edited April 30, 2017 by HereNorThere

[Poutrew]

Thank you for your response! I'm quite familiar with the cloud and how devices store information. I have extensive knowledge in that field.

 

Since the A, I have had little messaging/sexting on my current phone. I have upgraded phones since and sold my used one..... I also always use the "private" browsing app., just so I don't have to worry about remembering whether I deleted the history to recently viewed web pages.

 

As far as the cloud, I have turned off the cloud so data is not backed up to it. I done this quite a while back. With that said, I do understand there are still some ways that it could be brought to light but hopefully it's a secret that I carry alone!

 

Oh dear, the best laid plans... what would you say if , one day over breakfast, your husband casually told you that a strange man contacted him and confessed that he had been in a steamy affair with you until 2015...and for proof he told your husband, amongst other personal things, all about those three cute little moles next to your (BLEEP) that look like a portrait of Ronald Reagan when you play connect the dots with them...?

 

Like I said, the best laid pans of mice, and men, and cheaters, can fall apart very quickly indeed... Your true punishment will be to live the rest of your life never knowing if this will be the day the hammer falls on your deceit...

Edited April 30, 2017 by Poutrew

[QuietDan]

Thank you for your response! I'm quite familiar with the cloud and how devices store information. I have extensive knowledge in that field.

 

Since the A, I have had little messaging/sexting on my current phone. I have upgraded phones since and sold my used one..... I also always use the "private" browsing app., just so I don't have to worry about remembering whether I deleted the history to recently viewed web pages.

 

As far as the cloud, I have turned off the cloud so data is not backed up to it. I done this quite a while back. With that said, I do understand there are still some ways that it could be brought to light but hopefully it's a secret that I carry alone!

 

Sad...just sad...

Life Lessons,

I am thinking my name should have been Life's Regrets...

In my opinion,

If you are smart you will confess...

If you are lucky.... you will get caught...

If you are unlucky,.... you will be success with this...

 

In 5 or 10 or 20 years from now, if you are still with your husband, and your marriage hasn't drifted apart because you and your husband have emotionally and intellectually become truly disconnected from all of this...

 

You may in fact live to regret this brick wall that will in all likely hood emotionally separate and disconnect you and him beyond the point your marriage will survive...

Someday... you may eventually want to be intimate on more levels than you are now... this will probable be an serious barrier to that.

Edited April 30, 2017 by QuietDan
missing letter on lucky

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sad...just sad...

Life Lessons,

I am thinking my name should have been Life's Regrets...

In my opinion,

If you are smart you will confess...

If you are lucky.... you will get caught...

If you are unlucky,.... you will be success with this...

 

In 5 or 10 or 20 years from now, if you are still with your husband, and your marriage hasn't drifted apart because you and your husband have emotionally and intellectually become truly disconnected from all of this...

 

You may in fact live to regret this brick wall that will in all likely hood emotionally separate and disconnect you and him beyond the point your marriage will survive...

Someday... you may eventually want to be intimate on more levels than you are now... this will probable be an serious barrier to that.

 

I confessed...it has been 33 years...I am the lucky one

 

i am here to tell you it does happen....it is not the norm...but it can happen

 

the stars have to align....because we have made many terrible mistakes...and yet...it worked for us.

 

We are 62 and 64...at this point i hardly think we will be a divorce statistic.

 

It CAN work...but I wont try to tell diminish the effort and commitment involved.

 

It takes both people devoting their lives to each other....and in honesty...so does marriage. Reconciliation is no different.

[Overtaxed]

None of this includes OM's stuff which you have absolutely no control over. Nor does it include OM's friend's devices which I can guarantee you contain your pictures. Guys share these things whether you like it or not. It's a simple concept really. If they want their friends to share with them, they have to share with their friends. Every guy I know has a readily accessible collection of pictures, most of which are stored insecure places like iCloud, Google Drive, Dropbox, etc. Nearly all of the pictures come from snapchat because people think it deletes the pictures or provides some sort of security. Every guy that snaps defeated that mechanism a long time ago.

 

Go ahead and wrap yourself in that blanket of false security. I can only hope that if my SO cheats, she's as naive. Private browser? Lolllllllllll. Your private browser doesn't stand a chance against the most basic script kiddie. Maybe your husband doesn't possess the skill but he doesn't have to. The dark web is full of underemployed gray and black hats that would provide him with dumps of your information for a fraction of a Bitcoin (satoshi's.) This is your reality now. It never goes away. Better hope OM doesn't get mad, start drinking and decide to expose you. Better hope his next girlfriend doesn't stumble upon the collection. Better hope one his friends wasn't cheated on in the past and decide to take it out on you. This poster was busted years later. The people on Ashley Madison were exposed years later. What makes you think you're so special? I guarantee there's at least one salty person that looks at your social media everyday and thinks to themselves "Ugh, I hate cheaters. I should just go ahead and take her down."

 

I told my boss the other day "the only person who knows more about you than your doctor is your computer guy." Why do you think they polygraph me? How else do you keep the guy with the master key from unlocking any door he wishes? Don't be naive. You may have cleaned up the surface level stuff but nearly all of this is completely out of your hands. You don't control the data and you don't control the people. There will be day where you don't control yourself. You should probably make sure someone else picks you up from the dentist next time.

 

Bolded above. If you sent him pictures, his friends have them. You can bank on that. I get a least a few TXTs a month from other guys with pictures of their girlfriends (if they are single) or APs (if they're not). Sending a man a picture who's not your husband, you might as well just setup a webpage, because they are going to share it. It's become so prevalent in my industry (particularly as I've moved up and gotten into the higher levels; IE more money, and around people who are either wealthy or rich) that's I've seen phones passed around at the Capital Grille over a business dinner with sexual pictures of APs on them. Yes, this is the reality ladies, which was one of the big reasons I wanted to know if my W shared pics with her AP, because, if she did, I was going to go after his devices (hack) to try to quash them. The thought of my W being the butt of the joke at a business dinner is just too much to bear. Thankfully, she was smart enough to never send him anything like that.

[Imajerk17]

Thank you for your response! I'm quite familiar with the cloud and how devices store information. I have extensive knowledge in that field.

 

Since the A, I have had little messaging/sexting on my current phone. I have upgraded phones since and sold my used one..... I also always use the "private" browsing app., just so I don't have to worry about remembering whether I deleted the history to recently viewed web pages.

 

As far as the cloud, I have turned off the cloud so data is not backed up to it. I done this quite a while back. With that said, I do understand there are still some ways that it could be brought to light but hopefully it's a secret that I carry alone!

 

Little?? What do you mean little. Why not NONE? Have you recontacted OM?

 

Meanwhile you are a fool if you believe your affair is safe. Your information such as email is stored on this very site and new moderators get promoted (and get admin priviledges) from here all the time, you better hope it's no one who really wants to out you to your H and decides to go rogue.

Edited April 30, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Life lessons]

Little?? What do you mean little. Why not NONE? Have you recontacted OM?

 

Meanwhile you are a fool if you believe your affair is safe. Your information such as email is stored on this very site and new moderators get promoted (and get admin priviledges) from here all the time, you better hope it's no one who really wants to out you to your H and decides to go rogue.

 

OM reached out but no im not in contact with him any longer.

 

As I've stated, I used a friends email. I explained all of this when I first came to the site. I'm surprised that you don't recall that because everyone was saying how horrible I am because I used a friends email address.

[Imajerk17]

OM reached out but no im not in contact with him any longer.

 

As I've stated, I used a friends email. I explained all of this when I first came to the site. I'm surprised that you don't recall that because everyone was saying how horrible I am because I used a friends email address.

 

So what. It's just one more step.

 

Meanwhile you truly believe OM has kept his mouth shut to ANYONE who could identify you?

[aliveagain]

OM reached out but no im not in contact with him any longer.

 

As I've stated, I used a friends email. I explained all of this when I first came to the site. I'm surprised that you don't recall that because everyone was saying how horrible I am because I used a friends email address.

 

 

Let us hope you stay friends. In my situation it was a friend of hers that turned on my ex and tipped me off. See your proving us right, your friend is just another person that knows like all of your affair partners family that know. You just go on believing your right, like you believed an affair was the right thing for you. What if your wrong?

[Life lessons]

So what. It's just one more step.

 

Meanwhile you truly believe OM has kept his mouth shut to ANYONE who could identify you?

 

One more step? I'm not following! Are you referring to the email! If so, it's one of her old work email adresses that she never deleted...so she doesn't/hasn't used it for over a year. Maybe longer!

 

Of course I know OM has told his friend and sibling. OM may very well say something one day but I don't think that's likely. It's not only me that has something to lose here! I can't/won't elaborate, but it would also mess with his life....for a long time...maybe that's why I'm confident he will not say anything.

 

I do realize that regardless, there's always a chance! I just hope it doesn't happen because I know how my h would react and that's why I feel like a confession would make everything blow up. Actually, I know it would!

 

I will have to live with it the rest of my life and I can't do that to my h. I don't want him to have to live with this!

[Life lessons]

Let us hope you stay friends. In my situation it was a friend of hers that turned on my ex and tipped me off. See your proving us right, your friend is just another person that knows like all of your affair partners family that know. You just go on believing your right, like you believed an affair was the right thing for you. What if your wrong?

 

She doesn't really know about the A. She moved out of state for the job...that I use the email address on...and relocated back to my/her hometown...so she left the job in that state but kept the email account opened.

 

I knew the information because I helped her with some of her work....I've never sent anything out of the way to OM, from that email address. In all honesty, I don't think she uses the email any longer. She has no need, to my knowledge.

 

I obviously realize the A wasn't the right thing to do. I honestly don't know how I became so weak with OM and allowed myself to give into him

 

That's one thing in my life I would prevent, if I could go back!

[aliveagain]

Angelita, please accept my apologies for the thread jack, I know life lessons is where you were a year ago yet here we all are trying to convince someone that it could happen to them on your thread titled "My Husband Found Out About My Affair" where's the irony in that? Maybe if she knew just how overwhelming the odds your facing are because of discovery, perhaps a confession might have helped your cause.

[Imajerk17]

One more step? I'm not following! Are you referring to the email! If so, it's one of her old work email adresses that she never deleted...so she doesn't/hasn't used it for over a year. Maybe longer!

 

Of course I know OM has told his friend and sibling. OM may very well say something one day but I don't think that's likely. It's not only me that has something to lose here! I can't/won't elaborate, but it would also mess with his life....for a long time...maybe that's why I'm confident he will not say anything.

 

I do realize that regardless, there's always a chance! I just hope it doesn't happen because I know how my h would react and that's why I feel like a confession would make everything blow up. Actually, I know it would!

 

I will have to live with it the rest of my life and I can't do that to my h. I don't want him to have to live with this!

The time to be saying that you "can't do this to H" was BEFORE the affair, Life_lessons. And meanwhile, he is ALREADY living w this, he just doesn't know it.

 

No one wants to hear how sorry you are until you put things right and tell H, before someone else goes ahead and does it first for you, that is. All the "regret" on your part in the world won't change the fact that you got to have your fun w OM, without being held accountable for your actions by your H. So save it.

Edited May 1, 2017 by Imajerk17

[DKT3]

One more step? I'm not following! Are you referring to the email! If so, it's one of her old work email adresses that she never deleted...so she doesn't/hasn't used it for over a year. Maybe longer!

 

Of course I know OM has told his friend and sibling. OM may very well say something one day but I don't think that's likely. It's not only me that has something to lose here! I can't/won't elaborate, but it would also mess with his life....for a long time...maybe that's why I'm confident he will not say anything.

 

I do realize that regardless, there's always a chance! I just hope it doesn't happen because I know how my h would react and that's why I feel like a confession would make everything blow up. Actually, I know it would!

 

I will have to live with it the rest of my life and I can't do that to my h. I don't want him to have to live with this!

 

Nevermind.......no point in repeating

Edited May 1, 2017 by DKT3

[Jersey born raised]

Angelita, how are you? Keep posting as often what posters post here is a preview of your husband's thoughts. Keep reading and be patient, men are cautious with sharing their feelings for good reasons. Often what is said is taken wrongly leading to bigger issues so the best bet is to shut down.

 

Don't listen to the words, try to see why they are being used and address the why. For example you are not an escort or you are not a pass along so when they are used do not respond to the terms. Respond to the adultery, his sense of loss of dignity and self worth. There are do's and don'ts for the BS just as there are for the WS. Spend time learning both. There excellent threads here on the subject.

 

Finally when choosing an MC first chose one who can clearly why adultery has nothing to do with issues and why the difference is so murky and what needs to be done to address both problems.

 

Quick question about hidden expectations, does your husband view a wife one way and other woman another? Can he comfortable tell you you are hot and share a rather wanton fan