My husband found out about my affair

[Marc878]

In most cases of infidelity R will be attempted or at least discussed.

 

It's not unusual for someone to leave for a period of time after finding out about an affair. Happens all the time.

 

It all will depend on what her H wants. He may want D but in most cases R will be a possibility but takes two to R.

 

Now is not the time for quick or foolish action by the betrayer.

 

Besides divorce laws don't change in a couple of weeks.

 

There's an old saying that's very true "common sense is not so common".

[oldshirt]

I'm not saying she should file if doesn't want to.

 

I'm saying seek counsel and get a game plan in place to protect herself if it comes to that.

 

This is the common sense thing to do.

 

I'm not sure why it's even in question.

[oldshirt]

I do understand where the concern comes from though. It is very common for people to fear that if they take measures to protect themselves that someone may interpret that as an act of provocation and will escalate the level of aggresion.

 

There is a possibility of that happening, but much more often than not when someone sees the other taking steps to protect themselves and assert their own best interests, they usually pause and is more likely to bring them to the negotiation table and consider all options.

 

Formulate a defensive worst-case strategy first and be prepared to protect yourself and your assets to the best of your ability.

 

Then strive for a peaceful and mutually agreed solution.

[Marc878]

An affair is devastating, it sinks the knife in deep.

 

So days after the betrayed spouse finds out the wayward is conrptacting an attorney.

 

You'd have to be delusional to think this isn't worsening an already bad situation.

 

IMO real bad advice especially after only a few days.

[oldshirt]

You're looking at it from his perspective.

 

 

She is the one who wrote in here seeking advice.

 

My advice is for her to not live in Dreamland and assume that enough Magic Pixie Dust will make everything OK.

 

She needs to take steps to protect her interests in the very real possibility of divorce.

 

If her protecting her assets and access to her children is the straw that breaks the camels back and spells the difference between reconciliation and divorce, then that's not a sound foundation to reconcile a marriage on anyway.

[oldshirt]

Most of the people on this board are BS's and tend to view things from the perspective of the BS and some want the WS spouse laying prostrate on the ground groveling for foregiveness and eating worms.

 

That is not always in their best interests to do so.

 

If her H was to return and state his desire for reconciliation and to try to work things out, that would be different.

 

Under that scenario, if she also wished to reconcile, then it would be on her to act in a manner to try to reestablish trust and security.

 

But since he's been gone for the better part of a week without a peep, it's simple horse-sense that she start taking measures to secure her assets and best interests.

 

We need to remember she is the one seeking advice here, not him.

[Marc878]

You're looking at it from his perspective.

 

 

She is the one who wrote in here seeking advice.

 

My advice is for her to not live in Dreamland and assume that enough Magic Pixie Dust will make everything OK.

 

She needs to take steps to protect her interests in the very real possibility of divorce.

 

If her protecting her assets and access to her children is the straw that breaks the camels back and spells the difference between reconciliation and divorce, then that's not a sound foundation to reconcile a marriage on anyway.

 

Nope, from reading her posts she's not wanting a divorce at this time. Her running to an attorney days after him finding out about her affair will definitely push it in that direction if it isn't. If she's wanting to work on her marriage this is the last thing she should be doing.

[oldshirt]

Nope, from reading her posts she's not wanting a divorce at this time. Her running to an attorney days after him finding out about her affair will definitely push it in that direction if it isn't. If she's wanting to work on her marriage this is the last thing she should be doing.

 

I'm not talking about what she wants to do.

 

I'm talking about what she needs to do.

[QuietDan]

Good discussion. Great back and forth on two distinct paths with good merit.

[aileD]

Just checking in OP. Have you talked to him yet?

 

I hope you and him can talk, maybe he'd consider doing it in counseling instead of alone with you. Do you have an appointment anytime soon? Maybe your MC can call or email your H and see if he'd like to come in and talk.

 

I don't agree with everyone here saying you should just divorce him because you don't care about him. I think you have something and have tried to build and fix things that there could be a chance still. Yes, you messed up by trying to hide the affair (and obviously having the affair) but everything depends on his ability to forgive you and your ability to be trustworthy. It's a long road for sure.

 

I wish you the best and keep us updated. Prayers

[Marc878]

I'm not talking about what she wants to do.

 

I'm talking about what she needs to do.

 

Timing is everything. She doesn't need to see an attorney at this time.

 

All an attorney can do is inform her of her rights in a divorce or get the ball rolling. Nothing more. Those rights aren't going to change in a couple of weeks.

 

From reading her last posts she's wanting/trying to work on her marriage. I doubt hitting the nuclear option at this time is in her best interests if that's the course she's seeking.

[Spring23]

Timing is everything. She doesn't need to see an attorney at this time.

 

All an attorney can do is inform her of her rights in a divorce or get the ball rolling. Nothing more. Those rights aren't going to change in a couple of weeks.

 

From reading her last posts she's wanting/trying to work on her marriage. I doubt hitting the nuclear option at this time is in her best interests if that's the course she's seeking.

 

Marc is correct.

 

If she contacts a lawyer he'll just get angry. Right now, it's best to lay low and take care of all the other things that still need tending to.

[oldshirt]

I disagree that time may not be relevant.

 

He may be emptying out joint accounts, canceling/ changing benifiaries of insurance policies, attempting to change vehicle titles/changing deed of the house, filing for emergency custody of children, preparing to take kids and moving to Costa Rica , who knows what else.

 

Whatever he is doing during his radio silence, one thing we do know is that he is weighing options, coming up with plans and strategizing.

 

Yes, he may be planning on returning to the home, entering MC and advocating for reconciliation.

 

However, the odds are greater he is contemplating divorce and he may choose to not play fair and may be making plans of leaving scorched earth in his path.

 

The longer she sits on her hands, the emptier the accounts get and the more scorched earth he leaves in his wake.

 

Circle the wagons first and plan your defense and be ready to protect yourself.

 

Then if he shows up with an Olive branch and wants to talk reconciliation, then you can lower the shields and negotiate.

 

The Romulans and Klingons never attacked the Enterprise because Cpt Kirk raised the deflector shields. The Indians never attacked a wagon train because they circled and the Nazis did not take over France because the built the Margino Line.

 

And no one ever went from wanting to reconcile to divorcing because the other saw an attorney.

 

If someone attacked or filed for divorce, it was because they were going to anyway.

 

The only thing sitting on your hands doing nothing does, is make you defenseless and less able to secure your own best interests.

[oldshirt]

Marc is correct.

 

If she contacts a lawyer he'll just get angry. Right now, it's best to lay low and take care of all the other things that still need tending to.

 

He's angry because she was leading a double life with another man for years while pretending to work on the marriage with him.

 

Her seeing a lawyer is just a drop in the bucket and the least of his problems.

 

Her question was what should she do, not what should she do for him.

[Cephalopod]

I don't think I've ever seen anyone help a wayward plot the destruction of her BH before. This is a first.

[MuddyFootprints]

Everyone should fully understand where they stand legally when there are marital issues, especially when children are involved.

 

Can he kick you out?

 

Can you leave with or without the children without an agreement in place?

 

Yep, you need to seek legal counsel.

[Heathen]

Doing what's best for her, is what got her into this mess in the first place.

 

 

I would be curious as to how she would explain to her BS, why she was seeing a divorce attorney after getting caught in a 2 year affair. Would he believe that she was innocently protecting herself or would he see this as her cheating and then looking for the getaway car.

 

 

Go ahead and place another straw and see if the camels back breaks.

 

 

He has a daughter and it is highly unlikely he will seek any kind of retribution that puts her at risk.

 

 

Stop doing stupid stuff. Monitor the situation. If anything drastic happens, any competent attorney can get those actions reversed.

 

 

He is probably home already anyway and she is talking to who she should be talking to...Her Husband.

 

 

A prayer for your family.

Edited April 14, 2017 by Heathen

[Marc878]

I've dealt with many attorneys and my SIL is a partner in a large firm out of Chicage. It always amazes me that some one is naive enough to think if they pick up a phone and call or see an attorney their problems are solved. Not even close.

 

All they can do is give you advice on your rights upfront. They can't control or make your spouse do anything.

 

If her H wants to play dirty (empty bank accounts, etc) no one can stop him up front all an attorney can do is make sure the assets get divided according to the judgement. All accounts are dated so it's very simple to figure out what the assets are, etc.

 

It pays to keep a cool head and never let emotions control your actions.

 

That's usually when stupid moves get made. Such as going nuclear upfront.

 

In this case Angelita is not in a good spot because she's put her H in a very bad position.

 

Her actions at this time will be critical. Her words mean very little.

[MuddyFootprints]

Advice on your rights is a bad thing. Don't contact a lawyer.

 

Just collect your garbage bags at the curb.

[Marc878]

Doing what's best for her, is what got her into this mess in the first place.

 

 

I would be curious as to how she would explain to her BS, why she was seeing a divorce attorney after getting caught in a 2 year affair. Would he believe that she was innocently protecting herself or would he see this as her cheating and then looking for the getaway car.

 

 

Go ahead and place another straw and see if the camels back breaks.

 

 

He has a daughter and it is highly unlikely he will seek any kind of retribution that puts her at risk.

 

 

Stop doing stupid stuff. Monitor the situation. If anything drastic happens, any competent attorney can get those actions reversed.

 

 

He is probably home already anyway and she is talking to who she should be talking to...Her Husband.

 

 

A prayer for your family.

 

Exactly, let cool heads prevail for a few days.

[Marc878]

Advice on your rights is a bad thing. Don't contact a lawyer.

 

Just collect your garbage bags at the curb.

 

It would be like mowing the lawn while your house was on fire.

[Angelita]

I am going to pray to the Lord to forgive me of any foolish ness that I may have put forth here that may have been or could be a stumbling block for you or your husband. Please forgive me. I have been foolish, prideful, and prone to pushing my own pain, greif, weakness, and fears onto others.

If you know of and believe in Christ and turn to him and learn about him and his message, you can find peace snd comfort and hope through him.

Through Christ, good can come out of even something like this.

I don't know of any way you can undo what you have done. But, you can still do good. There are consequences to sin.

If you are looking to read something that will help you in all of this. I highly recommend you start to read the new testament.

Please forgive me for any harm I may have done.

I am still a weak and sinful man, seeking to do better.

I will pray for the Lord to guide and comfort you and your husband through the testing that you will experience.

 

 

Apology accepted.

 

My husband and me aren't that big on religion. Although I did go catholic school and later a catholic university. So I did study the Bible a bit. One of the classes I need to take to graduate was Christian Marriage. At the time I thought it was pointless. I kind of regret that now. Almost all the issues I'm having now our professor at the time told us we would all face them if we ever married, we all thought he was crazy. But turns out he was right, should've listened.

[Angelita]

Just checking in OP. Have you talked to him yet?

 

I hope you and him can talk, maybe he'd consider doing it in counseling instead of alone with you. Do you have an appointment anytime soon? Maybe your MC can call or email your H and see if he'd like to come in and talk.

 

I don't agree with everyone here saying you should just divorce him because you don't care about him. I think you have something and have tried to build and fix things that there could be a chance still. Yes, you messed up by trying to hide the affair (and obviously having the affair) but everything depends on his ability to forgive you and your ability to be trustworthy. It's a long road for sure.

 

I wish you the best and keep us updated. Prayers

 

 

I haven’t talked to him yet but he is home. He came home sometime last night but I didn’t hear him come in. I think he slept on the couch. He’s here now but he’s ignoring. I don’t want to push the way since he’s hanging out with our daughter maybe when she goes to sleep we might be able to talk.

 

 

I have MC appointment for this Tuesday. I sent email with date and time, he hasn’t responded yet so I don’t if he’s going to go. I’m hoping he’s willing come with me I think I could really help decided what way to go. My MC did say she was going to reach out to him, I don’t know if she has.

[oldshirt]

Doing what's best for her, is what got her into this mess in the first place.

 

Selfish entitlement and legal/financial counsel are two completely different things.

 

I would be curious as to how she would explain to her BS, why she was seeing a divorce attorney after getting caught in a 2 year affair.

 

For starters he was enraged, verbally abusive and then disappeared for a week. Was she to assume that he was scheduling MC sessions and reading self-help books on how to forgive cheating spouses during his absence?

 

 

Would he believe that she was innocently protecting herself or would he see this as her cheating and then looking for the getaway car.

 

This is a very dire situation at best. Image management can come at a later point.

 

Go ahead and place another straw and see if the camels back breaks.

 

And you don't think that camel's back is already broken, pulverized, ground up into a fine dust, set on fire and the ashes spread?

 

He has a daughter and it is highly unlikely he will seek any kind of retribution that puts her at risk.

 

Pick up a newspaper and see how many women have been assaulted, maimed or even killed by their partners during times of infidelity, separating and divorcing. Pulling legal and financial schenanigans is actually pretty small fry.

 

Stop doing stupid stuff. Monitor the situation. If anything drastic happens, any competent attorney can get those actions reversed.

 

There is some truth that some things can be done after the fact. But it's always harder to play catch-up ball in reaction rather than being proactive.

 

 

He is probably home already anyway and she is talking to who she should be talking to...Her Husband.

 

[That is also a possibility. As I said in an earlier post, if he shows up wanting to reconcile, then the shields can be lowered. /I]

 

A prayer for your family.

 

 

Responses in bold above.

 

 

I think where people are seeing things differently is whether she should be proactive in seeking legal counsel at this time while his whereabouts and his actions are unknown, vs waiting by the phone for him to call under the assumption that he is going to want to reconcile and that seeking counsel may be interpreted as a provocative act.

 

I understand people's concerns and there is a chance he may get more miffed if she sees a lawyer. But he is already devastated and enraged. anything she does will honk him off. She can't really win for losing here. She can either take some prudent steps to protect herself and potentially add a drop or two to the Anger Bucket. Or she can rely on Magic Pixie Dust and Enchanted Unicorns to bring him back and make him want to forgive her and work on the marital issues.

 

She maintained a two year affair while pretending to be working on the marriage with him and then sat and lied to the MC's face while complaining about him in counseling. She already dropped the bomb on the marriage. Do any of you really believe that her seeing a lawyer to determine her rights and responsibilities in the high likelihood of a divorce is really going to be a defining moment or a determining factor in whether he reconciles or opts to divorce?

 

This is a nuclear meltdown spilling radioactive waste across the countryside and people are worried about a beer can laying in the street.

[Marc878]

Responses in bold above.

 

 

I think where people are seeing things differently is whether she should be proactive in seeking legal counsel at this time while his whereabouts and his actions are unknown, vs waiting by the phone for him to call under the assumption that he is going to want to reconcile and that seeking counsel may be interpreted as a provocative act.

 

I understand people's concerns and there is a chance he may get more miffed if she sees a lawyer. But he is already devastated and enraged. anything she does will honk him off. She can't really win for losing here. She can either take some prudent steps to protect herself and potentially add a drop or two to the Anger Bucket. Or she can rely on Magic Pixie Dust and Enchanted Unicorns to bring him back and make him want to forgive her and work on the marital issues.

 

She maintained a two year affair while pretending to be working on the marriage with him and then sat and lied to the MC's face while complaining about him in counseling. She already dropped the bomb on the marriage. Do any of you really believe that her seeing a lawyer to determine her rights and responsibilities in the high likelihood of a divorce is really going to be a defining moment or a determining factor in whether he reconciles or opts to divorce?

 

Yes, it appears that she's not pushing the panic button yet and is wanting to see what he has to say or talk with him at least. I think it's her wisest choice at this time.

This is a nuclear meltdown spilling radioactive waste across the countryside and people are worried about a beer can laying in the street.

 

Inflaming this further would be foolish at best.