My husband found out about my affair

[QuietDan]

I did not say lawyer up...I said to find out her rights

 

i would have no clue what my rights would be....like leaving the home....the situation with the kids....or expense responsibilities.

 

The man left....she had no idea if he was coming back....

 

Finding out your rights is very different than sueing a spouse for divorce and taking him to the cleaners.

 

I think OP mentioned a couple of days ago that the husband was back. He quietly returned in the night, is sleeping elsewhere in the house, is spending some quality time with the kid, and is ignoring her. At that time, she was planning on talking with him. I don't know if I missed any posts where she mentioned what has transpired between the two of them since.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

Quote:

We've slowly started to fix our marriage with the help of MC and IC (only me). The last year was really good for the both of us.

 

 

But it was for a bit....it was looking up, it's not dead yet. There is always hope.

 

I'd be careful ascertaining the status of any marriage by judging its health before DDay.

 

This defensive, strident post says it better than anyone else's to me and makes it clear why he might be fed up. She pleads guilty to only this much. Who even imagines the absurdity of exclaiming, "I wasn’t in any way sleeping with someone else for 3 whole years." What's the response for that? Ohh! Well, why didn't you say so? That changes everything! State's case rests.

 

Amen. The OP should ask her BS how much solace he finds in "the affair only went on for 15 months"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[deadsoul]

Hi deadsoul.

I don't know how much of the her two threads you've had a chance to read through.

It is my understanding they have been in MC this last year to fix numerous issues with the marriage and relationship. To some degree, she has been working on her issues and the affair through IC.

However, neither her husband or the marriage counselor were informed about the affair. The marriage counselor was working on the relationship with out knowing that an affair was part of the problems that the marriage relationship was dealing with. The future effectiveness of marriage counselling may/probable has been compromised by all that has transpired.

 

I got that, but I thought I read she set up an appointment for this week and had messaged him about it? I could be wrong.... it has happened before ;-)

[Sweetfish]

I haven’t been having an affair for 3 years. Like some of you think. I have been lying for 3 years. The affair lasted for 2 years and with breaks in between.

 

I meet the exMM around late January/early February. We exchange info, so in a way this is when the EA stated. The physical aspect of the affair started in March 31, 2014.

 

The affair ended for the first on November of 2014.

 

I restarted the affair again on June 5, 2015. That’s when we started messaging each other again. We restarted PA on July 15, 2015.

 

The exMM broke it off in September 7, 2015. We both went NC, I haven’t contacted him or seen him since nor do I plan to.

 

That’s a basic timeline, so in all the affair only went on for 15 months. I wasn’t in anyway sleeping with some else for 3 whole years. During those 3 years, I was still lying to my husband. I know making him go to MC with me, without telling him the full truth was an evil thing to do. I know that and I wish I hadn’t done to him. I truly love him I know my actions don’t show that but really do. I came back to this forum looking for help to have my marriage and yet most of the advice I’m getting is how to do the opposite. Some posters are telling me to seek a divorce lawyer and leave without even trying to save my marriage. I don’t understand why I thought this forum was meant to help people/couples save and try to rebuild their marriages and that’s what I want to do. I have seen dozens of stories just as bad if not worse than mine and couples have made it through, some on this site. I don't understand why poster think my husband and I are a lost cause. The only thing care about right now is saving my marriage and family. I really don’t care about anything else at this point and those that have tried to help me I really appreciate it.

 

 

I was reading thru this thread and my feeling about it is that you emit little to no empathy on your actions. I think you have processed your affair and exhausted your emotions a long time ago and simply do not know how to respond or react. If you think you can just try to fix the relationship like a broken remote control, you have another thing coming.. IF you have a chance be prepared to pretty much fight everyday for anything remotely close to the trust you once had between the two of you..

 

Your stubbornness and sense of control will not allow this marriage to survive.

 

I find it absurd you say you THOUGHT this forum was here to try to rebuild marriages. This forum is not a FIX it clinic... You are getting the reality and opinions and advice from others for free is not MC enough if you feel this way?

 

On the first page of this thread you received GREAT information. In your other threads YEARS ago you were TOLD EXACTLY HOW TO FIX YOUR MARRIAGE and three years later you really had the balls to write that?

 

lovinDKT3:

 

So you fell "out of love" with your husband during the same time you were starting up with the OM? Then you tried to "work on it" while you were still sleeping with the other man?

 

You don't see the conflict there?

 

Now go ahead and convince us that your issues started before you got involved with the other man. But remember you talking to people who have already been there.

 

I promise you, your not out of love with you husband. Instead you are simply more interested in the man your investing your emotional enegry in. Trust me when I say this, your going to ruin your marriage, and the odds that your doing with a man who sees you as nothing more then a good time on the side is really high. When the poop hits the fan you will be left standing alone. OM will gladly turn you into a speed bump for that run-a_way bus. Your husband will most likely leave.

 

Also ask the hundreds of us married women that got involved in affairs if we thought we would get caught or that some wouldn't say anything.

 

Now if your anything like most of us, the messages here will fall on deaf ears. You are right now thinking, "my situation is different, my om is different" or "no way I will get caught". If you stopped the affair and went NC with OM you may not get caught. But you wont , so you will get caught and time is ticking.

You were given the warning 3 years ago and you didn't listen...

 

I'm really wondering if you're even listening now.. 3 years later now you're in hot water and everything will again fall on deaf ears.

 

I know his decision to end the affair is the right one and its what's best for the both of us. It's just so hard he has completely gone NC with me since his last email. I hadn't heard one word from him since. I'm feeling really lost right now. Especially since my MM and I would constantly talk throughout the day, all day from the very first time we stared the affair up again. No matter what he was doing he would always write me good morning, tell me about his day, and write me good night. It's feels like I am losing my best friend.

 

The NC is causing me so more pain than I thought it would. Way more then then the first time. I don't know if it's because I am constantly reminded that it's really over because this time he ended things and maybe he really didn't love me as much as I thought.

This is what empathy from you looks like.... This is what I want to show you..

 

The CLEAR CUT difference between the way you pain over the OM versus your husband. Are you even saving the marriage because you love your husband?

Edited April 17, 2017 by Sweetfish

[Just a Guy]

Hi Angelita, it seems that you are clutching at straws to try and save your marriage but at the same time you are ignoring the advice that so many well intentioned people are trying to get through to you. If you were an observer looking in from the outside you would probably see how extremely difficult your current situation is. Your OM realized that the relationship he shared with you was doomed and so he ended it because for him it had run it's course. You, on the other hand have suffered from withdrawal pangs in the aftermath and probably still do. You have to look at this from your husband's point of view. You have been lying to him all through and then have dragged him through a year of MC without his knowing that you had been cheating on him. You did not even reveal this very important piece of information to your therapist. After your affair was revealed and everything was out in the open you then revealed this fact to her. Obviously, as you said, she was upset with you. She was upset because her entire counselling effort was misdirected and based on falsehood.

 

As far as your husband is concerned, what ever respect he had for you went out the window the moment he got to know the details of your affair and the way you led him on falsely, in attending MC where he was thinking that he was responsible for issues affecting the marriage while all the time it was you with your issues who was the the villain of the piece. In his mind you have catfished him for a long time and he is just not likely to forget this in a hurry. I had suggested that you go back and read the accounts of DKT3 and LOVINDKT3 if you want to figure out a way to find your way back into your husband's heart. I do not think you have done so in part, because it seems to me that you do not have the humility to do so. More likely you want to bulldoze your way into your husband's heart and think that he should be eternally grateful to have a chance to love you and have you in his life. If that be your line of thinking then the chances of your recovering your marriage are almost nil. Just think about things lady. We do want the best for you inspite of what you may think. Warm wishes.

[oldshirt]

If you consider simply not divorcing as "saving the marriage", you may be able to achieve that.

 

But achieving a happy, healthy, mutually benificial marriage with warmth, respect and love and trust etc will be a whole other story.

Edited April 17, 2017 by oldshirt

[Horton]

I came back to this forum looking for help to have my marriage and yet most of the advice I’m getting is how to do the opposite. Some posters are telling me to seek a divorce lawyer and leave without even trying to save my marriage. I don’t understand why I thought this forum was meant to help people/couples save and try to rebuild their marriages and that’s what I want to do. I have seen dozens of stories just as bad if not worse than mine and couples have made it through, some on this site. I don't understand why poster think my husband and I are a lost cause. The only thing care about right now is saving my marriage and family. I really don’t care about anything else at this point and those that have tried to help me I really appreciate it.

 

I think a lot of people just don't see much hope for your marriage given the circumstances.

 

1. Your affair was a long term affair.

2. You didn't confess willingly.

3. You manipulated your husband into MC while forcing him to live a lie.

 

Just one of these three factors would make reconciling a long shot, but all three of them put together is really gonna leave you and your spouse fighting an uphill battle. I do agree with those advising you against getting legal counsel just yet. While your chances don't look good, there's certainly no point in throwing more fuel on the fire if you're goal is to stay married to him. Nothing says "I'm completely remorseless for what I've done to you." like lawyering up and protecting your own self interests while the person you've devastated is still sobbing into their pillow.

[JustJoe]

I haven’t been having an affair for 3 years. Like some of you think. I have been lying for 3 years. The affair lasted for 2 years and with breaks in between.

 

I meet the exMM around late January/early February. We exchange info, so in a way this is when the EA stated. The physical aspect of the affair started in March 31, 2014.

 

The affair ended for the first on November of 2014.

 

I restarted the affair again on June 5, 2015. That’s when we started messaging each other again. We restarted PA on July 15, 2015.

 

The exMM broke it off in September 7, 2015. We both went NC, I haven’t contacted him or seen him since nor do I plan to.

 

That’s a basic timeline, so in all the affair only went on for 15 months. I wasn’t in anyway sleeping with some else for 3 whole years. During those 3 years, I was still lying to my husband. I know making him go to MC with me, without telling him the full truth was an evil thing to do. I know that and I wish I hadn’t done to him. I truly love him I know my actions don’t show that but really do. I came back to this forum looking for help to have my marriage and yet most of the advice I’m getting is how to do the opposite. Some posters are telling me to seek a divorce lawyer and leave without even trying to save my marriage. I don’t understand why I thought this forum was meant to help people/couples save and try to rebuild their marriages and that’s what I want to do. I have seen dozens of stories just as bad if not worse than mine and couples have made it through, some on this site. I don't understand why poster think my husband and I are a lost cause. The only thing care about right now is saving my marriage and family. I really don’t care about anything else at this point and those that have tried to help me I really appreciate it.

The most important thing you can do, right now is get your priorities straight. You talk that "saving" your marriage and family is most important, but in point of fact it is not. After all, how much did they matter during the affair? You cannot do anything for your marriage, without first atoning to your husband for what you did to him. Make helping your husband your first priority, do everything you can to PROVE your love, trust and regret. Talk the talk AND walk the walk. Make his healing, your law.

[Angelita]

I've been kind of busy so I haven't had the time to post. So far he has moved out of our bedroom and is sleeping in a guest room downstairs, he’s been sleeping there since coming back home. My husband and I had a chance to talk. It didn't real clear anything up. I still think the both of us are in limbo. I don't really know what he's thinking or what he wants to do. When we did talk I realized he didn't have the complete story. I've tried to give the full story as well as the time line but he's doesn’t seem interested in any of that right now. I don’t really know what going to happen. I’ve tried to talk to him a couple of times after our first conversation time but when I do he’s been verbally abusive. I don’t blame him for that, I understand why he’s acting out that way. I know the way he is acting is mostly because of what I have done to him and the pain I’m putting him through. So for now I’m mostly trying to give him space and not pressure him to do anything. Although the waiting and not knowing is killing me. I keep remained myself I need to give him space since I know he’s hurting way more than I am. It’s hard because most of the time he completely ignores me and doesn't even acknowledge me. Other times he's seems somewhat normal given everything he's going through. I know he hurting and I want to help him but I just don’t know.

 

I did go to my MC appointment, my husband didn’t show but my MC did say she spoke with him. We mostly talked me and the affair she wanted to get my side of story. She did ask me to see my IC anymore she believes he’s only causing more problems than actually helping me. She did give numbers to other IC people I could see if I still wanted to. I’m leaning towards doing so, mostly because she seems to really want to help me and my husband.

[GoldenR]

I don’t blame him for that, I understand why he’s acting out that way. I know the way he is acting is mostly because of what I have done to him and the pain I’m putting him through.

 

 

Mostly? Try 100%...

 

You really have no idea what you've done to him, do you?

[drifter777]

You really cannot help him one bit until he engages you & starts asking what the hell happened. I think all men will engage to some extent even if they end up walking away without attempting to R. The longer it goes that he stays in the house - even if he's not engaging with you - the better the chance that he's going to want to try to reconcile. He may still decide to divorce you but if he was going to dump you & move on you would already know.

[harrybrown]

you might try writing your H a timeline of your A and give it to him.

 

then tell him how you feel and act like that is the truth.

 

If the A is indeed over, you can tell him you have stopped all contact.

 

Maybe that might help the communication some.

[Mr. Lucky]

Although the waiting and not knowing is killing me.

 

Your A went on for a couple of years, he's known only for a couple of weeks. It will simply take time to figure things out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cephalopod]

You can give him space while also showing him acts of kindness.

 

Have his favorite meal cooked when he gets home. Make sure his clothes are washed and folded or dry cleaned for work.

 

Tidy up his living space for him. Etc., etc.

 

There are lots of things you can do to show him you are concerned about his well being while not intruding on his space.

[road]

I've been kind of busy so I haven't had the time to post. So far he has moved out of our bedroom and is sleeping in a guest room downstairs, he’s been sleeping there since coming back home. My husband and I had a chance to talk. It didn't real clear anything up. I still think the both of us are in limbo. I don't really know what he's thinking or what he wants to do. When we did talk I realized he didn't have the complete story. I've tried to give the full story as well as the time line but he's doesn’t seem interested in any of that right now. I don’t really know what going to happen. I’ve tried to talk to him a couple of times after our first conversation time but when I do he’s been verbally abusive. I don’t blame him for that, I understand why he’s acting out that way. I know the way he is acting is mostly because of what I have done to him and the pain I’m putting him through. So for now I’m mostly trying to give him space and not pressure him to do anything. Although the waiting and not knowing is killing me. I keep remained myself I need to give him space since I know he’s hurting way more than I am. It’s hard because most of the time he completely ignores me and doesn't even acknowledge me. Other times he's seems somewhat normal given everything he's going through. I know he hurting and I want to help him but I just don’t know.

 

I did go to my MC appointment, my husband didn’t show but my MC did say she spoke with him. We mostly talked me and the affair she wanted to get my side of story. She did ask me to see my IC anymore she believes he’s only causing more problems than actually helping me. She did give numbers to other IC people I could see if I still wanted to. I’m leaning towards doing so, mostly because she seems to really want to help me and my husband.

 

 

A BH can not be forced to talk about the affair. Depending on the BH's

need to know is what controls the affair talk.

 

Sometimes the questions have a delay, sometimes they start right on

D day. When the questions end is all over the place as well.

 

This is why the BH or even a BW gets to control what gets revealed

about the affair. For a BH only will know how much detail they need

Remember once a BH hears a detail he can never unhear it.

[Life lessons]

Do you know how he found out about your affair....years later?

[deadsoul]

I've been kind of busy so I haven't had the time to post. So far he has moved out of our bedroom and is sleeping in a guest room downstairs, he’s been sleeping there since coming back home. My husband and I had a chance to talk. It didn't real clear anything up. I still think the both of us are in limbo. I don't really know what he's thinking or what he wants to do. When we did talk I realized he didn't have the complete story. I've tried to give the full story as well as the time line but he's doesn’t seem interested in any of that right now. I don’t really know what going to happen. I’ve tried to talk to him a couple of times after our first conversation time but when I do he’s been verbally abusive. I don’t blame him for that, I understand why he’s acting out that way. I know the way he is acting is mostly because of what I have done to him and the pain I’m putting him through. So for now I’m mostly trying to give him space and not pressure him to do anything. Although the waiting and not knowing is killing me. I keep remained myself I need to give him space since I know he’s hurting way more than I am. It’s hard because most of the time he completely ignores me and doesn't even acknowledge me. Other times he's seems somewhat normal given everything he's going through. I know he hurting and I want to help him but I just don’t know.

 

I did go to my MC appointment, my husband didn’t show but my MC did say she spoke with him. We mostly talked me and the affair she wanted to get my side of story. She did ask me to see my IC anymore she believes he’s only causing more problems than actually helping me. She did give numbers to other IC people I could see if I still wanted to. I’m leaning towards doing so, mostly because she seems to really want to help me and my husband.

 

Don't just lean towards it, do it. I think it is a huge first step to show your husband you want to R. You are going to be doing a lot of waiting and you will be in limbo for awhile. This is the consequence of your actions. Just be there and tell him you want to listen to him and talk to him when he's ready. The ball is in his court and he may just need to dribble it for awhile, and you will have to stand there.

 

Okay, I am just full of corny statements this morning... I need to just step off the internet now,

[aliveagain]

Please try to see this through his eyes, you are not a safe partner and words mean very little to him. As deadsoul has pointed out stop with the leaning towards BS, actions are the only thing he will believe. You should do these things for yourself regardless of how things turn out in your marriage, you need to be a safe partner for the man in your life.

 

If you really want a shot at saving what is left of your relationship talk to a lawyer, have him prepare a postnuptial agreement that gives your husband 80% of all the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Give him the right to polygraph you anytime in the future, how else will he know your telling the truth after lying to him for years? I have posted these things to you already but again they mean sh*t until you take action. What's the worst that can happen, he divorces you? He's already headed that way girl. Those two actions would be the minimum I would accept for a second shot. There is a piece of music by Austin Walkin' Cane called One Heart Walking, one line in the song describes your situation perfectly, "one heart dying, one heart walking away. You need to give your husband something good to believe in regarding your marriage or why try.

Edited April 29, 2017 by aliveagain

[QuietDan]

I've been kind of busy so I haven't had the time to post. So far he has moved out of our bedroom and is sleeping in a guest room downstairs, he’s been sleeping there since coming back home. My husband and I had a chance to talk. It didn't real clear anything up. I still think the both of us are in limbo. I don't really know what he's thinking or what he wants to do. When we did talk I realized he didn't have the complete story. I've tried to give the full story as well as the time line but he's doesn’t seem interested in any of that right now. I don’t really know what going to happen. I’ve tried to talk to him a couple of times after our first conversation time but when I do he’s been verbally abusive. I don’t blame him for that, I understand why he’s acting out that way. I know the way he is acting is mostly because of what I have done to him and the pain I’m putting him through. So for now I’m mostly trying to give him space and not pressure him to do anything. Although the waiting and not knowing is killing me. I keep remained myself I need to give him space since I know he’s hurting way more than I am. It’s hard because most of the time he completely ignores me and doesn't even acknowledge me. Other times he's seems somewhat normal given everything he's going through. I know he hurting and I want to help him but I just don’t know.

 

I did go to my MC appointment, my husband didn’t show but my MC did say she spoke with him. We mostly talked me and the affair she wanted to get my side of story. She did ask me to see my IC anymore she believes he’s only causing more problems than actually helping me. She did give numbers to other IC people I could see if I still wanted to. I’m leaning towards doing so, mostly because she seems to really want to help me and my husband.

 

Recommend you read or watch the book or movie "Fireproof".

Keep work on being there in a positive way for all of you.

Consistently making small acts of kindness over time is good.

Being humble, keep hope alive, being intentional, patience....

Taking action, follow through with things.

[Life lessons]

I read that book...fireproof....years ago, during a rocky time in my marriage....pre affair and I also watched the movie.

 

Actually forgot I had it....I need to locate the book so I can work on myself as well.

 

I do remember it helping, at the time!

 

So I also recommend fireproof!

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you know how he found out about your affair....years later?

 

Her affair ended in 2015. Somewhat ironically, her last thread was about confessing. Can't help but wonder how different things would be for her now had she followed through on that impulse...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Do you know how he found out about your affair....years later?

 

The past may be the past, but secrets have a way of being discovered... there is no security to be found and only so much that one can control.

[Life lessons]

I understand that secrets come to light, although the chances can be dramatically reduced, if one was careful and left no proof!

 

I'm only curious how her husband found out!? Did someone inform him or did he find something that she failed to get rid of?

 

I personally could not be tied back to the A. There is no existing proof! Only his word against mine!

 

Yes, I'm aware that sounds cold and calculating.....just horrible, in general.....but I made certain that there was no chance of this!

[aliveagain]

I understand that secrets come to light, although the chances can be dramatically reduced, if one was careful and left no proof!

 

I'm only curious how her husband found out!? Did someone inform him or did he find something that she failed to get rid of?

 

I personally could not be tied back to the A. There is no existing proof! Only his word against mine!

 

Yes, I'm aware .....juthat sounds cold and calculatingst horrible, in general.....but I made certain that there was no chance of this!

 

Your right, it sounds very cold and calculating because it is. I hope I am wrong but I'm pretty sure I know how your story is going to end and it is sad to think about because your still under the illusion that your in control. You can not control other people and you can not know who your husband will believe until it happens. By then it will already be too late. I found out and I didn't have a clue, a little suspicion yes but no proof. I didn't want to believe she could be that evil, I had faith and complete trust in my now ex.

 

What happens to you makes no difference to my life, it does how ever make me sad to see someone change their future and fortune in such a destructive way because it affects everyone that loves you. You are not in control and the truth always has a way of coming out. Just ask the thousands of members on this site, most thought they were in control too. You need to become honest at some point in your life. The burden is going to become too much on day.

Edited August 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[HereNorThere]

I understand that secrets come to light, although the chances can be dramatically reduced, if one was careful and left no proof!

 

I'm only curious how her husband found out!? Did someone inform him or did he find something that she failed to get rid of?

 

I personally could not be tied back to the A. There is no existing proof! Only his word against mine!

 

Yes, I'm aware that sounds cold and calculating.....just horrible, in general.....but I made certain that there was no chance of this!

 

 

You're killing me over here. No proof? Lol!!! I work in cyber security, this is what I do for a living. At the very least, you're being super naive about this. I'm kinda chuckling inside because the irony is lost on you that you've documented the details of your affair online for the world to see. All it takes is one little mistake like leaving your browser open, falling asleep with your phone open watching a video, etc and BAM, you'd be toast. And those are just accidental ways. If a BS paid a guy like me or a private investigator, the average wayward wouldnt stand a chance.

 

A big portion of my job is keeping data secure. To be completely honest, it's an impossible feat. If the data exists and your adversary is willing to throw the resources needed to gain it, it can be accessed. Every device you sexted to or talked on leaves a trail. The deleted files in unallocated extra space, backups in the cloud, ISP records, etc, etc. Unless you are willing to go Edward Snowden levels to maintain security, there's always something. Think about this for a second. The most powerful governments can't keep data secure and you think you can? Lol

 

And none of this includes the most likely way you're going to get caught. By your own admission, you met OM's friends and family. As the saying goes, the only way 3 people can keep a secret is if 2 of them are dead. So many more people know than you even realize. It's a simple roll of the cosmic dice as to whether one of them happens to feel sorry for your BS or simply dislikes you and let's the cat out of the bag. You say it will end up being his word against yours, but it would be his word, and then yours against a professional polygraph examiner. I take these test for my security clearances, and I can tell you first hand, those guys don't even need a machine to tell if you are being dishonest. Their career is based on spotting professional liars so the novice is simply light work to pay the bills. It's also not just "his word." Dude, he has pictures! What, you think he deleted them? OM has enough proof to bury you without saying a single word. There's also a plethora of other ways to get caught. You could talk in your sleep, blackout from medication or alcohol, or just blurt it out one day. In other words, it's foolish to think your are 100% in control of your facilities 100% of the time. Go ahead and roll that dice. Just keep in mind, the house always wins.

Edited April 30, 2017 by HereNorThere