calling all nicotine addicts or at least those who can relate.....

[whichwayisup]

Yup. For me it was work. Going on breaks, hanging out with my co-workers. So quitting was extremely hard and being part of the media (everyone smokes, it just goes with the job!) and the stress -Smoking just was a given.

 

I DO plan on quitting again. My father died of lung cancer, so that is always in the back of my head...Ofcourse once in while when I see my mom she gets after me and makes me feel guilty. (mom's are great at that aren't they???) I never smoke around her at all, infact I wash my hands and brush my teeth if I know we're seeing eachother... Kinda reminds me of when I was a teenager, sneaking around...I'm an adult now and still have to do that once in a while! (I just hate her sneak attacks when she drops by out of the blue! No time to hide the ashtrays outside!)

[A Fly onThe Wall]

When you two are married he will have another excuse.. He is Addicted that's all.

 

His excuses are all part of the denial system of addiction.

 

I used to chew redman and go off skoal because I could quit redman cold turkey but I couldn't quit skoal cold turkey and the redman replace the nicotine need that my body needed.

 

He won't quit unless HE wants to ( and he doesn't want to ) You are gonna have to learn to live with it or put a heavy foot down..

[the_opposite_sex]

yea i told him that he wont quit then either b/c he IS addicted to nicotine. He looked me straight in the eye and said "I WILL and CAN quit", he looked as serious as a heart attack and he knows he's addicted b/c i've asked him about it and if he realizes the effects it has on him. We made a deal that i would work on some personal problems of mine that i dont want in our marriage nor do i want them to be a part of me and he can work on this habit of his...and all this would be out of the way and we can have a good marriage...not sayin things are gonna be perfect, but ya know...

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by the_opposite_sex

We made a deal that i would work on some personal problems of mine that i dont want in our marriage nor do i want them to be a part of me and he can work on this habit of his...and all this would be out of the way and we can have a good marriage...not sayin things are gonna be perfect, but ya know...

 

Good..you seem to have talked it out.. But don't expect him to quit.. 'cuz it gonna happen ( it's not his fault.. he is addicted )

 

One of the effects that the nicotine had on me was it shortened my already quick temper.. After I quit skoal I had to quit caffeine in order for my temper to get alot better. The 2 worked off each other as stimulates

 

The nicotine was in control of even my thoughts.. In the morning I had to have a dip or my thoughts would race and my head would spin. Having the dip straighten all that out.. The part I was missing though was if I had just quit I would've alway's been able to control my thoughts.

[the_opposite_sex]

well then i guess i'm S.O.L b/c i am expecting him to quit once we're married...he's never given the patch, gum, the doc, anything a chance now and in the past b/c i guess *now that i look back and even this time around* in his mind, he hasn't been serious about quitting....but this time, he says he'll be willing to do anything to quit....so i mean, he wants to quit...he doesn't wanna have these mad cravings for nicotine...but he cant help it...i cant believe i'm sayin all this b/c i have NO clue as to where he's coming from...like i said, never been addicted to a substance..

[A Fly onThe Wall]

IMO if he really wanted to quit he would do it now.. tonight and not wait till you guys are married..

 

See... an addiction is so strong that it tells you that it's okay to do whatever it takes to continue to do it..

It tells you that it's okay to do what you are doing..

 

It's all part of the denial system..

 

Just so you know I have had to give up Alcohol, Nicotine and caffeine in my life..

 

Alcohol :18 years ago and I did it with the help of a 12 step fellowship program.. I gave it up because I am an Alcoholic

 

Nictone: 3 years ago and I did it because I lost my dad and step mom to cancer and it finally hit home that if I continued I would die..

 

Caffeine: a little over 1 year..and I did it to try and save a relationship that I put in jeopardy because of my short temper.. I wasn't able to get her back.. But I still am off caffeine. and my temper has been in check the whole year.. Perfect.. I did get something out of that relationship and I just fianally saw it..

 

 

 

Good Luck

[the_opposite_sex]

ugh it just sucks b/c he's the type that you couldn't see doin this...he's perfect in my eyes, a really great guy, really smart *well book smart* and it just upsets me that he isn't smart about this...i'm tired of nagging him about it if thats what i'm probly doin...so i guess i just play the waiting game for the next couple years or less til we marry and go from there...and it doesn't help that i'm the most impatient woman on the earth i appreciate your help though, i really do..

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Anytime O-sex.. I hope it goes your way..

[NYCmitch25]

Originally posted by the_opposite_sex

ugh it just sucks b/c he's the type that you couldn't see doin this...he's perfect in my eyes, a really great guy, really smart *well book smart* and it just upsets me that he isn't smart about this...i'm tired of nagging him about it if thats what i'm probly doin...so i guess i just play the waiting game for the next couple years or less til we marry and go from there...and it doesn't help that i'm the most impatient woman on the earth i appreciate your help though, i really do..

 

 

I guess you didn't feel like responding to everyone's posts because there are too many (including mine) but from the scenerio you've laid out for us, you will be married within two years to a lifetime smoker. He's so "dedicated" I wouldnt' doubt that both his parents are lifetime smokers as well. Anyway, thanks for ranting about it, if you put more pressure on him he would surely quit, but you don't seem to want to distrupt the apple cart.

 

Ah, to be a fool in love.... enjoy your rotten apples..

 

 

Main Entry: en·abler

Pronunciation: i-'nA-b(&-)l&r

Function: noun

: one that enables another to achieve an end; especially : one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by helping that individual avoid the consequences of such behavior

ps. I'm not really 'trying' to be a total jerk, but I would like to be firm about things.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Actually NYCmitch25 you sound like you are being a bit of a jerk to her in your post.

 

An enabler enables a person to continue on with their addictive behavior without facing any consequences of their addiction..

 

In alcohol.. a wife can be an enabler to her husband if she covers up his drinking ie: being sick from work and missing work.. She calls the boss and says that he has the flu. She just enabled his behavior.

If she just says to her husband.. You quit drinking now damit.. that is not trying to not to be an enabler..

He will continue to drink anyhow. you have to leave the addictive person to be on their own and suffer the full wrath of their consequences.

 

If the_opposite_sex was maybe buying his cigs for him or cleaning up his dirty ash trays then maybe she is enabling him.. But I see no enabling behavior on her part.. actually she has been talking to him about it and trying to get him to quit..She has made it clear to him that she doesn't like the behavior.. But there is nothing she can do to make him stop.

[NYCmitch25]

Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

Actually NYCmitch25 you sound like you are being a bit of a jerk to her in your post.

 

An enabler enables a person to continue on with their addictive behavior without facing any consequences of their addiction..

 

In alcohol.. a wife can be an enabler to her husband if she covers up his drinking ie: being sick from work and missing work.. She calls the boss and says that he has the flu. She just enabled his behavior.

If she just says to her husband.. You quit drinking now damit.. that is not trying to not to be an enabler..

He will continue to drink anyhow. you have to leave the addictive person to be on their own and suffer the full wrath of their consequences.

 

If the_opposite_sex was maybe buying his cigs for him or cleaning up his dirty ash trays then maybe she is enabling him.. But I see no enabling behavior on her part.. actually she has been talking to him about it and trying to get him to quit..She has made it clear to him that she doesn't like the behavior.. But there is nothing she can do to make him stop.

 

Thank you for your opinions, I think you have stated the proper advice for her which is obviously to "put her foot down". I hope that with something that is so serious to her, I don't tell her what she wants to hear like say "he won't quit easily because he's addicted" or "just give it more time" or "I'm sure when you guys are married he'll quit". From what I can tell about her posts, she is very much in love and she is willing to take his words at face value to some degree dispite it being empty gestures. To me, this fits in the realm of 'enabler' since it is setting up false resolve if you will, where she 'believes' he is dealing with his problem when he is really just buying himself more time or simply avoiding conflict. From what i can tell, it will facilitate his habit to the point where they will be swearing off smoking after marriage. After married, it will only be significantly more difficult to get him to quit and he will most likely smoke for many more years to come.

 

You stated "without facing any consequences of their addiction" which is surely not a requirement for being an enabler. The definietion of an enabler doesn't require that they provide "NO" consequences, but that they only have to facilitate the problem by making excuses (as she has been doing) or not setting up the proper intervention (as she has also been doing). What you are stating can also occur, but would only constitute a more extreme example of an enabler and not the strict definition of one. Anyway, labels aren't good, I was only using it to make a strong case for putting on more pressure on him, not to make her feel bad per say. (or get into a debate about the definition of enabler).

 

 

From my personal experience, I went though the same thing with my girlfriend (now wife). She was a smoker from a very young age, I told her that "I will not marry a smoker", to her credit she did it on her own and I'm very proud of her. We tried first limiting the smoking so we reduced the niotine intake then after a while, she just quit completely. So I guess since it worked for me (a couple of time), I think it would work for other people as well.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by NYCmitch25

Thank you for your opinions

 

your condsending arrogance is really coming through loud and clear NYCmitch25.. From what I gather you know nothing about addiction other than what you read in your websters.

 

fianally the last part of your last post you give the OP some advice from your experience

From my personal experience, I went though the same thing with my girlfriend (now wife). She was a smoker from a very young age, I told her that "I will not marry a smoker", to her credit she did it on her own and I'm very proud of her. We tried first limiting the smoking so we reduced the niotine intake then after a while, she just quit completely. So I guess since it worked for me (a couple of time), I think it would work for other people as well.

 

Good advice...

[the_opposite_sex]

i approached him yet again last night, saying i thought he was in denial...he just looked at me. I told him I doubt that he will quit after we're married, that he'll just find another excuse to do it...he was shaking his head the entire time i was speaking that sentence...so i dont know....

 

btw NYC, noticed you were a computer science major....my b/f was goin to school for that...he's a computer wiz little off topic

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Have you done any research on Nicotine addiction ?

 

I just googled it and it popped up all kinds of informative articials that maybe you could show him that he is denial and that the road to quitting is tougher that making a pact with you.

 

Something tells me that this is going to be a wedge between you two and the wedge might be being driven as we speak.

 

You might need to have more info and medical advice on your side.. otherwise you might do harm to your relationship

[the_opposite_sex]

well i dont think there is anything left for me to do, considering he's not ready to quit 'right now'. Says he's gonna lay a pack of cigs down on the alter at our wedding and that it's gonna be a wedding vow....he said if he continues to smoke once we're married, i can divorce him..

 

btw, i'm on google right now...ugh i keep having to go back and editing my posts b/c after i post my original, i come up w/ something else i should have said...

[NYCmitch25]

Originally posted by the_opposite_sex

i approached him yet again last night, saying i thought he was in denial...he just looked at me. I told him I doubt that he will quit after we're married, that he'll just find another excuse to do it...he was shaking his head the entire time i was speaking that sentence...so i dont know....

 

btw NYC, noticed you were a computer science major....my b/f was goin to school for that...he's a computer wiz little off topic

 

I think it's good that you guys have on going discussions about things, seems like you have quite a healthy relationship. I guess I'll refrain from giving exact advice on how to talk to him since you know him better than I and you seem to be a very intelligent person (unless you ask for it). I haven't even been addicted to anything like this as FLY has told me, but perhaps treating this like a drug and wheening someone from it would work. Perhaps you can control the amount of cigs. he has per day by handing him a pack with X amount in it to a point to where it's low enough that he can quit cold turkey? Say he smokes 1 pack per day, maybe slowly over 1 year lower that to under 1/2 pack (take way 1-2 per daily allowance each month . Then the year after that cut it down to 1/2 of that (1/4). Over 2 years, if you could get him down to 5 cigs - 10 cigs perday he may be ready to quit. Of course that would be after you setup an agreement with him and that he can not break it.

 

good luck!

 

ps. Yeah, I'm a comp-sci grad., and thats cool that he has some interest there. No regrets here -- it's a lot of work to get though the program. Computers are a good thing to get into, my advice to him would be to learn a little programming and use Linux as much as possible. ;-)

[the_opposite_sex]

k well he picked up on smoking probly a month ago now....i haven't heard him cough w/in that time period til now. I asked him if he was gettin sick, said no. I just dont understand how and why he never coughed for an entire month he's been smoking and now he's starting to. Im sure it's b/c of the cigs you guys think so?

[lynnered]

ive been a smoker since my teenage years i quit for 3 years,

i used the patch ,

i smoked a cig when i woke up put a patch on ,bedtime took patch off waited 30mins smoked one ,

did this for 1 week & iwas done ,

after that sugarless gum &sugarless candy&at the time the guy i just started dating was a non-smoker so that helped ,

i started again

need to quit need to try patch again

wish ur boyfriend luck

[yellow carnation]

Originally posted by alphamale

nicotine is one of the most addicting substances known to man....even more so than Heroin

 

 

Originally posted by AlmostMarried77

That is complete cr*p and part of the culture and mythology of smoking

Only been 8 weeks, huh? and feeling a little cranky I sense.

 

Gawd, I would hate to be around you at approx the 3 month mark...when it REALLY gets bad.

 

Bullcrap! to it NOT being a dangerous, highly addictive substance!!! you'll soon see for yourself.

 

And on that note, excuse me while I step out for a smoke

[RecordProducer]

I am addicted to cigs and I would find it very hard to quit. I want to quit some day for my own health but if a guy "ordered" me to, I would probably feel like he is controlling my life. Just because it's a bad habit and you think you have the right to do it, doesn't mean you really have the right to control his life. Sorry, but that's how I feel about it.

[whichwayisup]

I want to quit eventually too. If my husband mentions to me to cutdown or even say "hey, you're smoking more these days, DO you need that cig?" It just makes me wanna smoke more. Infact, I'll light up another one right after putting one out, just to make a point to him! Stupid, I know, but NOONE likes to be told what to do...

[the_opposite_sex]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Just because it's a bad habit and you think you have the right to do it, doesn't mean you really have the right to control his life.

 

i'm not tryin to control his life...more like, tryin to save his life...i cant believe you ppl who smoke think we're trying to CONTROL you! at least thats how its sounding from the last 2 posts from whichwayisup and RecordProducer. Maybe i dont understand how it is b/c i've never been addicted, but i've done my research, talked to ppl, etc etc....and all my life i was taught that cigs were bad for you and all...ugh it just hurts extremely bad when i see him light up...i dont say anything though b/c he knows how i feel about it *however i did bring it up again when Peter Jennings died... scared the s*** out of me and i almost cried, thinkin about the "what ifs"...sounds like a pity party, but believe me its not*. I just dont want any harm done to him over something that he CAN control and put an end to...

[whichwayisup]

I joke around. When I do it, I'm not all pissy and upset, it's more like a stupid thing between us and like a nagging thing. I understand his reasonings why he doesn't want me to smoke, I DO know what it does ... My father died of Lung Cancer, so trust me ...I know.

 

My hubby isn't controlling. Yet he is understanding and knows how hard it is. He doesn't smoke, but he can sympathize with me...Ha, he's the one who will have to put up with my craziness when I do quit!

[yellow carnation]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Ha, he's the one who will have to put up with my craziness when I do quit!

not to mention - the 30 pound weight gain.

 

That's what happened to me.

 

And it's the kinda fat that just sticks like velcro.

 

When I resumed smoking, I had one hell of a time blasting that flab.

[whichwayisup]

I didn't put on any weight the first time I quit. Infact I think I lost some weight...Don't know why...