Flogging a doomed marriage? (long post, sorry!)

[FilleAuxYeuxBruns]

I don't know where to start really, or why I am even writing this post. I guess I am just feeling very lonely and bored in my marriage and don't know what to do.

 

H and I have been together for 24 yrs, married for 17. We have 3 children.

 

I suffered from depression for many years, due to an undiagnosed health problem, and treated H like crap. I was so unemotional and distant and our marriage was bad. It's not that we fought or didn't get along - I was just indifferent towards him and he felt rejected by me. We lived more like brother and sister than husband and wife.

 

Then, 9 years ago, H had an affair. He left me and moved interstate, under the guise of "having a break" and shacked up with the OW. H and I were still in constant contact and he acted like we were still together. OW and her friend schemed together to make me find out about the affair after it had been going about 9 months. I went into a panic and moved the kids and I to where H was, desperate to save my marriage.

 

After 6 months of trying so desperately to win H back, with him going backwards and forwards between OW then me the whole time, I had enough (suffered a breakdown and had major anxiety issues) and left the state. OW was pregnant and H stayed for the birth of their child.

 

H followed me few months later and we dated then agreed to go to counseling. We repaired our marriage and have slowly rebuilt to be pretty good together again.

 

But it has never been the same. I am haunted by the cruel and spiteful ways H treated me and although H has absolutely nothing to do with OW, I could never trust him again. We have 6 monthly blow ups about being unhappy (well, me mostly) and I always have leaving him in the back of my mind. I do love him deeply though.

 

Our sex life is pretty sporadic, mostly because I can be very hormonal, but when we do have sex, I initiate it. It isn't bad. I am quite adventurous and H goes along for the ride. He never initiates though, he says because I often have rejected him in the past, and is never spontaneous or very affectionate towards me.

 

Recently I have gone back to college (online) and have to put in a few hours studying a night after work and most weekends. I know H is feeling rejected and lonely because so much of my time is being taken up with college, but I can't take time off otherwise I fall behind so quickly.

 

I don't study on Friday nights but H goes to a bar with his work mates. He asks me to come but I don't really like to go because all they talk about is work. I know there are women from his work there and I feel very insecure about him being there with them.

 

Last week, when we went to a show together, he had arranged to meet a girl from work after the show, which I though was very strange. He made out he didn't know she was out alone and that we were going to meet a bunch of people. She was also out on Friday night.

 

I asked H to come home early and not drunk on Friday so that we could spend some time together, so I could "blindfold him and tie him up" and he came home after 1am, very drunk. I felt rejected and so sad.

 

He has been distant and rejecting me sexually. He goes out alone a lot while I am studying. I don't know if he's up to something but again, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking I'm out of here if he is.

 

Is it a bad sign that I am so ready to walk away, even looking for a reason to? I really do love him but keep thinking about leaving.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it a bad sign that I am so ready to walk away, even looking for a reason to? I really do love him but keep thinking about leaving.

 

Let me cut to the chase - if there ever was a candidate for MC, it might be you two. Some much of what you both do is based on interpreting the other person's actions - in other words, very little real communication seems to be going on. I'd guess some bad marital habits were formed during your dark years and they've persisted to this day.

 

You've both been hurt, both carrying some scars that manifest as resentment. Time to drag it all out in the open and work through it, tough as that might be. Hopefully, you'll find the payoff in a relationship where your voice is heard and your needs are met.

 

Welcome to LoveShack!

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

MC is definitely step one.

 

 

I think the foundation of your marriage has serious cracks that have never been addressed. In the face of his affair & other kid you got back together without benefit of a professional. You never addressed the underlying issues.

 

 

Now there are other issues . . . issues are probably the same but the manifestation is different.

 

 

Get some impartial help. See where that goes. Even if it goes to divorce court, perhaps your split can be amicable & therefore less expensive. You will also know you tried.

[xenawarriorprincess]

You cannot change your husband, you can ONLY change yourself. You have mentioned several times that you are aware that he feels rejected by you and that you tend to be indifferent toward him. If you want to save your marriage and lessen the chances of him having another A, change that part of your interactions with him. He has invited you to go out with him and his co-workers, so go! Spend time with him doing the things he enjoys doing and act as if his interests matter; he will appreciate that you took time out of your day to spend time with him, and you will be there with him- -leaving no room for worries about what he is up to, you might even have a good time. You can only change yourself and your interactions with your husband, and hopefully, if your husband is a decent guy, he will notice your change and reciprocate. MC is also good advice, but in my humble opinion, counseling will not help if change does not follow, and since you yourself already know and admit your faults, you have the opportunity to begin changing and fixing them now, even before counseling begins.

[BluesPower]

The thing is that you know you H had an affair. And yet, you choose to go back to school, which is fine for the most part, but you knew that it would cut down the time that you guys had together.

 

I don't begrudge you for wanting to better yourself, in any way. But at the same time, with such a fragile marriage, do you really think that was the right decision?

 

Here is the deal, you either really love your husband and want to be with him, or you don't. You cannot have it both ways.

 

While he is totally in every way responsible for his affair and the ridicules things that he did afterward... How much do you think your depression contributed to that.

 

As a man that lovingly took care of a woman with severe emotional problems for half my life, I understand how difficult it can be with for both sides. My wife put me through hell with affairs and drug addiction and of course the root cause, her emotional problems.

 

I finally reached my end of the rope when it turned out that she really did not love me. She never did, and she never will. And wow, that just really hurt.

 

So if you don't really love your husband with that all consuming love like people are supposed to have, why not get out and give both or you your freedom.

 

Whether or not he is screwing the girl at work really at this point does not matter, you are both really all in for the marriage, or you are not.

 

If you are, you need to get serious, and if you are not you both need to get out.

 

Since I have divorced I have really started to understand what actual love feels like with some of the women that I have been with.

 

It is a lot different than settling for someone that you just don't mind being with or you are kind of use to their presence in your life. It is a different world from that.

 

For me, that is where I want to be as often as possible as long as possible. I just think it makes life better...

[xenawarriorprincess]

 

I don't begrudge you for wanting to better yourself, in any way. But at the same time, with such a fragile marriage, do you really think that was the right decision?

 

 

This was my thought as well.

[aileD]

My marriage would end the second he got someone else pregnant.

[FilleAuxYeuxBruns]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

I think the general consensus of us needing MC is spot on. I am going to suggest it tonight. Like I said above, we do love each other but life seems to always get in the way of us being great together.

 

We're both very intuitive people but ****ty communicators! You're right, Mr Lucky, when you say we read each other but don't communicate. We need to fix that.

 

Regarding getting back together after the affair, we DID attend MC for a long time. Couldn't have even tried to stay together without it. But I guess we addresses getting over the affair mostly while going over what we believed led to it less thoroughly. It's what we needed at the time.

 

Now it's a bit different. It's almost 10 years ago and a lot has changed in our lives individually and as a couple. H is very reliant on me for company and doesn't really hang out with friends. He goes to the pub but that's the only time he sees anyone else. I am a bit of a loner and like my own company. That being said I don't have any other friends here and only ever socialise with H.

 

Regarding the study, we move frequently with H's job and I have to keep finding work in new places each time we move. I'm getting nowhere in my current career and need a better paying job. Hence the study. We discussed it before I started and he was okay with it. But because he is so reliant on me for company it has hit him hard. He doesn't have any friends or hobbies so he is lonely. I feel guilty for doing something for me, but at the same time I feel like I have sacrificed everything for H and his job, and being a mum, for my kids. It's really hard though because I feel selfish.

[FilleAuxYeuxBruns]

My marriage would end the second he got someone else pregnant.

 

Believe me aileD, it was the hardest thing I ever did, to take my husband back after that. But I knew he didn't love her. He said it could have been anyone and I believe that. She just showed him the attention that I didn't.

 

I have forgiven him. He will never forgive himself.

[Gemma1]

What happened to the baby? Did he just abandon it?

[FilleAuxYeuxBruns]

What happened to the baby? Did he just abandon it?

 

I guess essentially he did. He wanted to be kept up to date with photos and info but OW wouldn't send anything. He sends a card and gift every special occasion. He wants to meet him once he's old enough to understand the situation.

 

I don't want to know about him but understand that it's not the boy's fault.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess essentially he did. He wanted to be kept up to date with photos and info but OW wouldn't send anything. He sends a card and gift every special occasion. He wants to meet him once he's old enough to understand the situation.

 

I don't want to know about him but understand that it's not the boy's fault.

 

It's easy to judge when it's not your life, that's one of the challenges of a forum like this.

 

But cheated on you, got her pregnant and then walked away from his child? I wonder if you're both not dealing with some delayed form of PTSD, that's a lot to process all around...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FilleAuxYeuxBruns]

that's a lot to process all around...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Damn right it is! We are basically very wounded individuals and need some help to sort through our emotions. MC is very good advice thanks Mr Lucky