Anyone been in situations like this?

[BHFN]

hey!

 

I'm a 18 y/o male in the UK, who just came out of a 10 month long distance relationship. I have gone through a lot in my life, depression & child abuse so it wasn't easy for me. I met a girl online, and we immediately set it off and fell for each other, we both opened up and we found out we've both been through similar experiences in our life which is what brought us closer together. We fell in love, during the 10 months we saw each other 8 times in person, but even then we had routines we normally would text everyday have face time calls 1/2 times a week.

 

In the 10 month period, we have 1 major argument where we nearly did break up it was rough and hard but we did get through it in the end and I felt this made us even stronger together. The past week we just have been busy so we haven't spoken as much as we do (a few texts per day) she got a job and exams are coming up for both of us. I noticed this and said that we needed to talk about it to see what's going on, and we had the talk where she's saying that she still feels hurt and doesn't feel happy right now because of the distance and the fact it's just too much even though she loves me. She ended up saying that she needs to take a break and let herself heal up, spend some times with her friends and family and herself (her parents are moving house this year down to the south so she won't see her friends again that she's known since she was child) and she would get back with me for university (we're both going same university in September) I completely understand this but I just feel so alone and empty without her I can genuinely just feel sick in my stomach, but she said it's not like she doesn't want to talk, she still doesn't mind us talking but not as a couple and I'm not sure how to do that tbh since I always spoke to her as if I love her but either way, we was speaking for a few hours about everything else and she was taking longer to reply (I guess I've lost the privileged of receiving quick replies etc..) and I said night, but she just opened it and didn't reply. I feel like even though she says she needs time and she promised me she would be with me for university I feel like I've lost her.

 

I just don't know how to cope with this, it's just a break about 3/4 months it seems but It feels like a break up.

 

I guess I am in a better situation because I've just been told to be patient rather than actually not talking at all. I just am not sure what to do, I've been thinking about distracting myself too e.g. devoting all my time to studying for my exams in May/June and getting a job to help fund a bit and pass time during July/August so hopefully it helps me. I know it seems so selfish for me to think that I don't want her to have her break, but I want her happiness first. I think that maybe she just wants this last summer to enjoy her last summer and plus the addition of exams for both of us, the way that she explains is that everything is going to go back to normal when you guys go to university together in September because we would see each other every single day.

 

I guess I just waited and I tried to send her a few texts to have conversation but when she would reply it was blunt as if she was trying to end the conversation. I went through this for the past 2 weeks, and in the second week I just didn't text her. I thought this was it, so I just messaged on friday that just passed asking her 'what's going on?', 'Does you not want to talk anymore?', 'I guess we have actually broke up rather than just being on hold?', 'Are you finding this easy to not talk to me?' etc... so she replied saying she still loves me, she's finding it so hard but this is how she is, she shuts down and she doesn't like to talk much to anyone, she wants a clean break this summer holidays and it won't happen if she's still talking to me regularly. Also to that she said she won't be able to see me anymore on our anniversary, because she would get too anxious and nervous to do it so that king of hurt too but yeah I didn't want to pressure her into anything. Would you say if I got her a gift and got it delivered to her too much? (I was thinking necklace with pendent of our initials or just a card or nothing?)

 

I asked does she want me to just leave her alone and stop bothering her? and she replied saying that I don't bother her & she does want me us to stop talking until summer and then we can see where we are then because she 'just shuts everything off and want complete isolation'. I guess this was hard for me to hear and heart dropping, so I asked her 'anywhere inside you, do you see us eventually getting back together soon?' and she said 'right now I feel like I've made the right choice for me, but i honestly can't say yes or no rn. I can say that if it does change to us getting back together again it will be when we get to see each other more. I just said I understand and respect her decision and I would wait till she is ready. After this she said is going to sleep because she just came back from work, and she hasn't texted me this before since the incident but she said 'I love you, goodnight X' so I guess there's hope? I haven't messaged her since and trying hard not too.

[d0nnivain]

You have been through a lot in your young life. You then found somebody who made you happy. She's got a lot of change on her plate & can't handle the reality of an LDR. She's trying to be kind to you because she's not a man person. She has offered to talk but she's keeping the conversations short or blunt as you say. Problem is with an LDR all you really had was talk. So while you are looking for those conversations to still be deep & meaningful she is simply trying to let you down gently.

 

 

For now I suspect she wants a BF who is right there. Who can put his arms around her & comfort her when she is blue. You can't do that from far away but you would have done it had you been there.

 

 

As much as it sucks, treat this like a break up. You are free to date others & you have to assume she is too. When September rolls around & you are at the same school, able to have a relationship not separated by distance, look her up the second week of school. (Not the 1st. I don't want you chasing her & looking overly eager). She may not be interested any more, may have outgrown you. Hopefully you will have realized how vast the world opening before you really is & another co-ed will have piqued your fancy by then.

[BHFN]

You have been through a lot in your young life. You then found somebody who made you happy. She's got a lot of change on her plate & can't handle the reality of an LDR. She's trying to be kind to you because she's not a man person. She has offered to talk but she's keeping the conversations short or blunt as you say. Problem is with an LDR all you really had was talk. So while you are looking for those conversations to still be deep & meaningful she is simply trying to let you down gently.

 

 

For now I suspect she wants a BF who is right there. Who can put his arms around her & comfort her when she is blue. You can't do that from far away but you would have done it had you been there.

 

 

As much as it sucks, treat this like a break up. You are free to date others & you have to assume she is too. When September rolls around & you are at the same school, able to have a relationship not separated by distance, look her up the second week of school. (Not the 1st. I don't want you chasing her & looking overly eager). She may not be interested any more, may have outgrown you. Hopefully you will have realized how vast the world opening before you really is & another co-ed will have piqued your fancy by then.

 

I completely understand and I've been deciding to leave it as it is, not moving on but just having some hope that things will fall into place during the summer/university. I didn't mention that one thing she did say is that guys aren't on her agenda and it is really exams, family & friends. Whenever we have spoken before she's always emphasised on the point that she wants me to wait. I guess I do believe her, why wouldn't I?

 

I guess I haven't really treated it as a break up probably because I just can't accept it as much as I try. I've been focusing on myself by making sure I'm revising to get the best grades I can as well as finding a job.

 

Thank you for replying, I really do appreciate it.

[d0nnivain]

While other guys may not be at the top of agenda & she intends to focus on school & exams teenaged girls have a way of moving cute boys to the top of their agenda if the right one comes along. I'm not saying she's misleading you. I am saying that it's more likely than not that she will change her mind.

 

 

Do treat this like a break up. Take another girl to prom. Flirt with everyone all summer & during the orientation for university. Then see where you are.

 

 

Who know? You may find another girl more to your liking in the interim.