laRubiaBonita Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 so i had originally told my bf i had only slept with 3 other guys, then he asked again, and i said double that. He says it is "ok", but he throws it in my face at times. He has only been with 2 other girls besides me. In actuality, i have slept with more than 6 guys. I feel bad for not telling him the truth, but i do not want him to judge me, like he does, and that i had known he would. Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 Numbers don't mean sh*t.. Unless of course they go real high.. Yes you should've told the truth ( twice ) but he needs to just let it go.. He doesn't want you to be more experienced than him. I had a girl tell me once that I was the first guy she ever let cum inside her .. her number was 12 ( she said 12 after I said my number was 12) I never believed her.. I called her on it once and she lied again..I guess she thought I was stupid Just make him feel like the the best lover that has ever made love to you and his issue should go away.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laRubiaBonita Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 He is, to date, TOTALLY th best Man i have ever had the privaledge to experience..........and i have told him that. my probelm is, when he is in a pissy mood, he will throw it in my face, depending on the argument. WTHell is that? And he wonders why i do NOT telll him the truth all the time? Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita my probelm is, when he is in a pissy mood, he will throw it in my face, depending on the argument. Tell him no low blows during fights and you consider that a low blow. He throws it out because he knows it will cut right thru you and divert the argument .. Don't let him Link to post Share on other sites
volumecorps Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 He may be a great guy in every way, but he's also insecure. I was jealous about the exact same thing with my first girlfriend. She was my first. She had been with two other guys prior to me. I think about the things I said to her back then and regret every word. Fast forward twelve years and a lot of growing up.....Everybody has a past, and in my opinion, unless there's something in your past that would directly affect your relationship with him. (i.e. an STD, a psycho ex who he should be aware of...etc) he doesn't need to know about it and you should only tell him if you're absolutely sure that he won't dwell on it. If he's not mature enough to handle how many past partners you've had, then it's not worth telling him. It will only stick in his mind and create more jealousy. Some people (me included) are gluttons for punishment. Ignorance is bliss in this case. If you're really into this guy, all you can really do at this point is constantly reassure him, no matter how old it gets, that you're with HIM now and no other guy, past or present matters to you. Don't flirt with other guys in his presence, don't talk about old boyfriends if you can avoid it. And DON'T tell him the real number if you think he'll dwell on it. Hopefully, he'll get over this hang up and realize that he's got a woman that wants him and not anybody else. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 He's an ass for making a big deal about the number, you're a bigger ass for lying not once but twice. No excuse to lie to your SO. Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 maybe he throws it in your face because he suspects you're still lying (which you are...) and he's trying to get it out of you, but is going about it the wrong way. not judging, just speculating. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 I'm really sure he knows you're lying, the high number that he suspects makes him insecure, but also the fact that you treat him like he's too dumb to know that you're lying to him. You should have either not told him anything and kept it a private thing because it was your right or you should have told him the truth. Now you're entangled in a web of lies. Cut through it. Apologize for your lies, but make it clear if you consider your number of partners before him to be your private business or not. If you want to tell him the truth, tell it, if you don't want to tell him, set the borders of your privacy there. Also tell him, mentioning this number during a fight is highly immature, you did make a mistake by telling him a lie, but attacking each other below the belt has no place in an argument no matter how heated things become. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 It doesn't matter whether or not you were each other's first. What matters is that you both work hard at being each other's best and last. Hopefully, in time he'll work through his issues and realize that. As far as being judged, it matters little if you actually like who you are. You have a history, a past, as do we all. It's only our own unresolved guilt and shame that makes us uncomfortable with scrutiny. You have done absolutely nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. So be proud of who you are and where you've been. Let him see you…ALL of you. And if he doesn't like what he sees, than he's not the man for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Doesn't sound like the real number is terribly high. He's a dope for asking though. His thing is that you lied -- that means that there is enormous possibility that you still are (and when his mind goes wild he starts wondering if you've done this male friend, or cheated on someone, etc.) or would about other things. He shouldn't be too upset since he is probably too young to settle down at this point, so who cares what the number is. He is being a baby by throwing in your face -- it clearly matters too much to him. Lastly, if you don't have a problem with your number, why hide it? It's not "judging" to find someone's past too distasteful to date them -- it is his right though to decide whether to date someone or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laRubiaBonita Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 the whole reason i never told him the truth in the first place was cause i DID know he would take it bad. It is not like i have Just met him.....we have been together almost 3 years, i know how he reacts. which is why i have not divulged the truth....."He can't Handle The Truth!" and he throws this in my face, imagine what a douche he would be otherwise. Why should it matter is the point. And no i have no residual effects, like abaortions, kids, STD's, etc... In fact i have never brought it up, it has always been him. Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita the whole reason i never told him the truth in the first place was cause i DID know he would take it bad. It is not like i have Just met him.....we have been together almost 3 years, i know how he reacts. which is why i have not divulged the truth....."He can't Handle The Truth!" what a baby. if he can't handle it after 3 years with you, he has issues. he needs to get the hell over it. sure, maybe you shouldn't have lied, but he accepted that you did by staying with you when he could have ended the relationship--so tell him to suck it up and focus on something else. grrrrrr. why'd i get so angry just now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author laRubiaBonita Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by SoftDrink grrrrrr. why'd i get so angry just now? Because your Candy Corn Feind-friend is pissed at a guy, of all things! Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita Because your Candy Corn Feind-friend is pissed at a guy, of all things! hahaha, maybe. did you ever try saying "listen, the past is the past and i am not discussing it any furthur. what difference does it make who i've been with? i'm with you now, but i won't be if this keeps coming up because now I'M the one getting angry and frustrated"...? and if he still doesn't let up, try this: " the more you bring it up, the more it just makes me think of those times with those people, and as much as i might prefer not to think of them, you force me to by talking about them all the time. ohhhh, the memories...." if that doesn't work, then maybe offer to invite them over, so he can meet them all, since he's so curious. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita the whole reason i never told him the truth in the first place was cause i DID know he would take it bad. It is not like i have Just met him.....we have been together almost 3 years, i know how he reacts. which is why i have not divulged the truth....."He can't Handle The Truth!" and he throws this in my face, imagine what a douche he would be otherwise. Why should it matter is the point. And no i have no residual effects, like abaortions, kids, STD's, etc... In fact i have never brought it up, it has always been him. He's being insecure, I agree. Someone who didn't like it has two choices: stay and get over it or leave. Being whiny about it is just lame. But its a little presumptuous to take the position that you know what's best for him. If you know he wouldn't like it and would factor into whether to be in the relationship or not, now that it is an issue, he has a right to the truth. Personally, I don't ask, ever. Usually it comes up on its own (too many guys hanging around, too many stories slipped in by loose-lipped friends, etc.) or because girls have a wierd way of bringing it up. I don't touch it, but if it presents itself and I think I won't like the real story, I bail or just ask for clarification if I think its worth it Link to post Share on other sites
Author laRubiaBonita Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 it is not that he stews over it. in fact it is never mentioned, unless he is mad about something and decides to use that particular (or any other) thing he thinks will be mean to say to me. and i would not have a problem telling him the truth, or even how i feel most the time about anything, if i was sure he would not use my "confessions", weaknesses, fears, or anything else i tell him in confidence against me. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Then he may be just a jerk in that aspect of his personality, aside from whether it would be cause to terminate or not. Unless he assumes that because you lied before you are lying now, and that comes back to him when he's irritated. Lying about that is a huge red flag to me, and I always assume the absolute worst when I get a lie, a change of story or a "the past is past" comment. Just tell him he's being an a@@hole, you find it weak when he throws it out there, and you'll dump him if he does it again. Your past, no matter how checkered, isn't something that should be used against you in a relationship (that is different from someone evaluating a past and deciding not to pursue the relationship). Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Wait, isn't this the guy who cheated on you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author laRubiaBonita Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius Wait, isn't this the guy who cheated on you? same one "Mr. DoubleStandard". and the arguements that precourse the Number throw ususally have something to do with that fact. Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 so say i've been with less people than you've screwed around on me with. (even if it's not true). maybe he'll get the message. i'm sorry, but someone who cheats in a current relationship does not get the right to criticize another's past. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita same one "Mr. DoubleStandard". and the arguements the precurse the Number throw ususally have something to do with that fact. He's calling you a 'ho (or some variation) because you bust him out for cheating? He fights fair... Link to post Share on other sites
Author laRubiaBonita Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 basically whetever he does, says, and thinks is right, or Ok. and if i do something that he is not in agreement with, i.e. Drink beer 4 nights in a row, smoke cigarretes, hell if i gained 5 lbs............. he would be all over me. Link to post Share on other sites
clandestinidad Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 I'm sorry, I cant remember if you already said this before but.... why the hell are you with him Link to post Share on other sites
Author laRubiaBonita Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by kat23 I'm sorry, I cant remember if you already said this before but.... why the hell are you with him LOL ....i about fell outta my chair laughing with this one! haha! basically beacuse i am comfortable with this annoyance. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 To the person who said he shouldn't of even asked how many she's been with...... I don't see anything really wrong with that. Don't most couples at some point ask each other? Actually every girl I've ever been with has asked me. I usually don't bring it up but it eventually does and she will ask and then in turn I'll ask her. From my experience its the girl who usually asks first (even to most my friends). I see nothing wrong with the question, I do see something wrong with lying. You can't justify lying to your SO. If you're uncomfortable answering it don't ask or let them know you're uncomfortable answering the question. I think there is a bit of a double standard. Many women get uncomfortable (and often lie) if the man ask them but they seem perfectly comfortable asking the men they date. To laRubiaBonita.... The fact that he has cheated on you in the past and you feel like you have to lie to him should tell you to leave him. You should never lie to your SO. A healthy relationship is built on trust. You can't have trust if you're uncomfortable telling this person the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
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