My Dilemma

[Polewop]

Just joined this forum after discovering it recently. Glad that I found it, because I don't really know who I would talk to about it, besides a counselor. I realize I'm beating a dead horse as far as this subject is concerned, but bear with me please.

 

Some Background Info:

 

Age 53. Average looks, at least by my estimation. Married nearly 31 years. 1 adult son, age 29.

 

My marriage is pretty much a shambles, no intimacy, can't remember the last time we had sex, sometime last fall maybe?

 

I'm at wits' end as to what to do. Let me elaborate on my current situation:

 

I work full time (and then some) on the graveyard shift. I put in 60-70 hours/week, and that doesn't include the commuting time.

 

I do it to provide a decent living for us, plus right now I'm helping my son out because he just recently lost his job. I do it without complaint, even though I'm not getting any younger, and I know it's not good for my health. I've always considered myself a good provider, always hustled, worked whatever I could so my wife could stay at home and take care of our son growing up.

 

Now, to be fair my wife does have to spend a few hours a day with her mom (she lives next door to us). She takes her mom to her appointments, etc. and basically keeps an eye on her. She works about 12-15 hours a week at a part-time job, which is essentially a hobby when you figure in her transportation & other expenses. She also cuts the grass every few weeks during the summer (riding mower), and does a little around the house, although it's hard to tell sometimes. I never complain. Although I would like a little help financially, I've never pressured her to try and get a better job with more hours. Maybe I'm a bit chauvinistic?

 

I don't abuse drugs or alcohol. I don't carouse with "the boys". Perhaps this makes me dull? I remember how the girls in school seemed to always be attracted to the "bad boys" instead of the quiet ones. I will say I'm a bit of an introvert.

 

I've tried romantic getaways, trips, etc. I've come home strung out after a 13-hour shift and made her breakfast and brought it to her in bed. I've tried certain touches & caresses, no luck. She's either tired, sore, too full from a meal, not in the mood, etc.

 

I sometimes wonder if it's me. Am I no longer desirable? I realize I was never a "great " lover, maybe average at best...

 

My self esteem is nil.

 

Some years ago when my parents were alive I strongly suspected my dad was having an affair. I tried to find out who it was to confront her but never could figure out who it was. I know their marriage wasn't exactly perfect either, and although at the time I was upset about it, I think I can at least understand why he might have did it.

 

I've stuck with her through thick & thin. I've been faithful, but I don't recall celibacy being part of the marriage vows. I've never coerced, begged or forced her into sex, nor will I ever.

 

We were out at lunch with a girlfriend of hers, and somehow got on this subject. She mentioned, half-jokingly, that she wasn't interested in any bedroom activities, and I should just go find myself a willing partner, but I had to do it "on the cheap", can't spend any money on her! Which just reinforces that I'm just a meal ticket anyways.

 

I know a lot of people reading are going to say just leave her. It's not that simple. I don't have any really close family members left - my sister and I are estranged, and I'm pretty sure my son would side with his mother, which means I would truly be alone.

 

I don't feel I'm "entitled" to sex, but I think my wife ought to consider my needs. Or am I being unreasonable?

[central]

You're not unreasonable in your wishes. However, your wife has no interest in helping you with those. There may be a slight chance to improve things via marriage counseling, but that rarely changes this particular issue. If you haven't talked to her about this issue seriously, then do so. BTW, cut back your work hours - you can't have a sex life, much less a life, with those kind of hours. Tell your son that your assistance ends in 6 months, regardless, so he needs to get his act together

 

You may also want to study the first post in this thread - it worked for this man:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/618837-how-i-fixed-my-sexless-marriage-continuing-my-post-2009-a

 

Give it all a year. Then if it's not to your liking, file for divorce, and start dating. In the meantime, work on yourself. Yes, you'll have no one, but soon you will have someone who will make it all worthwhile.

[somanymistakes]

Have you seriously talked to her about it? Like, out at lunch with a girlfriend is hardly the time to have a serious conversation about your bedroom issues. Don't obsess over what she said as a joke.

 

Before you do ANYTHING you need to make sure she realises it's a problem, and find out what she thinks the root of it is. She may not know, and she may not be correct (people don't always know what they really want) but so far your post sounds like you try really hard to be a good husband and hope that sex just happens. While it would be nice if it worked that way, when there's a problem you need to have some communication here!

 

She needs to realise that you are feeling sad and neglected, and she needs to examine what's going on. Is sex actively REPULSIVE to her, or does she just not feel very motivated to do it? Is there a physical difficulty that needs resolving?

 

If she's currently indifferent to sex, but cares about you and doesn't want to lose you, there are things that can be done to work on her desire.

[SeenNotHeard]

You are not unreasonable IMO. Unfortunately/fortunately I can totally relate with the key difference I am female, everything else lines up in my world too. I'm the breadwinner and have been for a very long time and close to the same age as you too with 1 adult son. A few questions: Has this been a long standing issue or something more recent? How have you attempted to resolve the intimacy issues?

[Johnsmith1003]

Allow me to preface by saying you are not wrong. You haven't been wrong nor will you be (in terms of wanting to be wanted).

 

Now I can definitely understand the need to keep it together. Like you, I too have estranged family and like you my while life is wife and 3 yr old son but I'm otherwise not in the same boat. But settling is not the answer, unless your niche is misery. I agree with the choir; communicate. You may find she's indifferent, ashamed or simply too absent minded to realize there is a problem. Your wouldn't have any suspicions of her cheating right? Start to talk serious. Then go from there. Oh and let son know the free loading stops.

[NTV]

You can't control her only yourself.

 

Find a job day shift even if it's a pay cut. She says it's not enough money then you mention she can work too. 'No amount of money in the world is worth not sleeping next to you at night. Sorry I didn't see that before. '

 

That does 3 or 4 things--

 

gets you on the right sleep schedule for your mental health.

 

Shows her you care about her

 

Puts you both in the same bed at night

 

Puts some pressure on her to work too.

 

Also learn to tell her 'no.' Tell her no she can't buy something and one of two things will happen (after she has a temper tantrum fit):

She'll either

buy it anyway, which gives you the reason to take her hand off your wallet and you control the finances

Or

She'll try doing a bunch of nice things for you to convince you to to get it, which causes the power dynamics to shift

 

And finally you could next time your on the computer at home Google 'how to join a monastery' and leave it up by accident. When she asks you if you're thinking about it just say tell her that without the passion in this marriage you might as well. (Keyword is 'passion' NOT sex). This puts the fear of losing her meal ticket in her head for real.

 

 

Just my thoughts.

[Els]

How was your sex life like at the start of your relationship? If it was better then, any idea what changed?

[Mr. Lucky]

Find a job day shift even if it's a pay cut. She says it's not enough money then you mention she can work too. 'No amount of money in the world is worth not sleeping next to you at night. Sorry I didn't see that before.

 

Great advice. I've worked my whole life in a 24-hour industry and shift work is a relationship killer. There's no way to create a real life - including intimacy - together unless you're on roughly the same schedule.

 

While this may not solve your problem, it's where I'd start...

 

Mr. Lucky