Just can't move on and have broken many NC rules....

[DevastatedJDC]

OK... here's my (very long) story....

 

I am gay and have been with my partner for 11.5 years - he's very "out" and I've been in the closet for the most part the entire relationship. I made it clear that that was the case at the beginning of the relationship and he said the was OK. He was incorporated into my life, but introduced as my friend, even though everyone knew. We were always invited places as a couple, etc.

 

We never moved in together, etc. and that seemed to be working well for us and I thought we had found the perfect rhythm to the relationship. Things were great for the first 7 years. Then I went on a 2 week vacation with my mom to attend a cousin's wedding in California. When I returned, he told me he was upset with taking a back seat and really felt the need to be incorporated into my family.

 

So.... the next couple times my family visited (they are 500 miles away), he met us for dinner/brunch and once again, I thought we had found a good compromise on the family issue. Things ticked on well (I thought) for another 3 years. My family didn't visit during that time due to health issues with my mom that required me to go to her. I didn't invite him because all the trips were focused on hospital visits or getting her moved (e.g. working trips).

 

Then, in the Fall of 2015 I started noticing distancing from him and lack of intimacy. I didn't address it because I probably knew what the issue was and was afraid of the answer. But there were still heartfelt birthday and Christmas gifts, etc. Then 2016 was pretty bad - more distancing, etc. and me not addressing, but contact multiple times daily, both of us saying "I love you", etc...

 

Now, in early 2017 the distance got worse - good night kisses became a quick peck on the lips and it was always me saying "I love you" first. So... I invited him to my place for Valentine's dinner (and for me - cooking is a huge big deal...!). I was planning to finally address where we were and looking forward to discussing how we could fix things. To me, our love was a long term commitment that just needed a reset based on feedback to each other.

When I called to see what time he was coming, he said we need to face the fact that we are "just friends" and move on with our lives apart.

 

Of course, I was devastated and didn't say a whole lot more in that conversation and stayed home from work the next day sobbing. Then, 2 days later I called to see if we could at least talk and he was the most cold person I've ever encountered - saying there was nothing to talk about, that I need to look at this as a wonderful opportunity to meet someone new, etc. and I resorted to begging, etc. (I know, all bad but at the time I didn't know....). I offered to more fully incorporate him into my family and take him to visit them that weekend, etc. He finally told me he was ready to end things in Jan-2016 but was afraid I would find someone right away and have a relationship with them that I didn't have with him and that's why he stayed another year. Then he said he finally had an "aha" moment that I was incapable of having that level of relationship and that's when he decided it was over with us. He said any changes now would just be reactions to the split and not truly from the heart and would not be sustainable. He also used the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you" but said he wanted to remain friends. This was the longest relationship either of us had ever been in (11.5) years. I'm 53 and he's 49.

 

So... of course, the following week I sent the stupid email telling him just how devastated I was, how I didn't want to get out of bed, couldn't quit crying, was heartbroken and devastated, etc... and that I truly thought things were OK and that we had found the right rhythm to the relationship, but now that I knew he had different expectations that we could work on them and have a reset. I received no response (of course).

 

Then we started chatting a few times on the phone - If I called, he called back right away. If I texted, he responded right away. He even called me a couple times to talk about a TV show we were watching. But as soon as any of the calls turned to discussing day-to-day things (work, house projects, etc.) he turned stone cold again and tried to quickly end the call. On Facebook, he liked my posts, etc. and commented on them. A friend of ours (really his, me by proxy) asked to grab a beer and asked how I was doing. He said my ex had told him of our split but in the context of he wanted the mutual friend to know why he might be off his game for a while and seem different.

 

Then.... I came out to my family and shared that we were more than just friends, that we were partners. Of course, they knew, but for me it was just a paralyzing suffocating fear to coming out. But once done, a HUGE relief. I wrote the ex a hand-written letter letting him know I was no longer paralyzed by this, the weight had been lifted and that they were ready to embrace him into the family. (I know, another mistake of the NC rule)

My mom also sent him a birthday card.

 

Of course, there was no response to the letter and now there has been no direct contact for 3 weeks - I stupidly liked a post of his dog on Facebook and he liked a post from me about my mom being in the hospital.

 

I've read the following book twice "I love you, but... I'm not in love with you - 7 steps to saving your relationship" by Andrew G. Marshall. Every single sentence of every single page is spot on for us. It's like the author was observing us when he wrote it, other than my closet issues. So... I bought the ex a copy and have been planning to send it with 1) a heartfelt note 2) twenty pages of things I love about him/us with pictures.

 

I know I can't send it and it would be the worst way of breaking NC, but I so feel if he would just read the book and my letter, he would surely want to work on things. I just can't get over this and am embarrassed at 53 years old that I can't shake this after two months. I'm going to seek out professional help in the coming week.

[Telemachus]

Seeing a therapist is a good idea. You can sort things out in your mind, but probably need the help of someone who is skilled in this and independent.

 

You open by saying that you've been with your partner for 11.5 years. That's not true. Later, you say that you've broken up, and are no longer partners, and you refer to him at one point as your "ex." You "had been" with your partner, not "have been." He is your ex.

 

After you broke up, you came out and indicated to your family that you and he are partners. Again, the timing is off. The time for that was before you broke up, or to come out as gay but not partnered when you did.

 

Forget about what happens on Facebook. It means nothing. Those gestures that people think speak volumes actually say almost nothing. It takes how long and costs how much to post or like something there? Yes, that's what it's worth.

 

A good therapist should be able to help you identify and prioritize your values and goals in life going forward. You seem to be generally clear in your thinking, so it shouldn't take more than a few visits. I mean that - a few.

 

Some therapists will want you to spend a great deal of time going over the past and your family relationships and childhood. Don't fall into that trap - it'll eat a lot of time and your money, and probably do no good. Keep the discussion focused on your future - it's a lot more productive and efficient. The future is where you're going to spend the rest of your life.

 

Therapists get tired, yes bored, of the stories that they hear over and over: "I'm unappreciated...he never listens to me...." The therapist may try to draw you into discussing things that are unusual - don't fall into that trap either. The therapist may want you to make things interesting for him/her by getting into things that are salacious but of little relevance.

 

If you want to pay someone to listen to your life story, a therapist will probably gladly take your money, but stay focused and make sure you're working with someone who's similarly focused on resolving in your mind the top one, two, or three things you need to resolve.

[d0nnivain]

I can't begin to know how scary it was for you to deal with the worst kept secret but the love of your life felt rejected & hidden & dirty for 11 years. Each year when you didn't come out, you chipped away a little at his heart & broke one more small piece. I have been the person who was always trying to hold on, to think that what I was being given was enough when it wasn't.

 

 

I think you need some sort of grand gesture here. Are you willing to go all the way to a proposal? Not much short of that is going to convince him that you are serious.

[DevastatedJDC]

NOTE: names in letter replaced with "xxxxxx"

 

OK - update, not a happy one.... I sent the following letter two weeks and ago and have not heard anything.....

 

Dear xxxxxx –

While grieving the end of our old relationship, the following paragraph was in something I read:

You want someone who believes you are the be-all, end-all, not someone who finds you optional. You want someone who appreciates how great you are. You want someone with the vision who appreciates all that you are and all that you can be. You want someone who will love you and think you are the best thing ever.

 

At first read, I thought “of course that’s how xxxxxx and I felt about each other”, but then it hit me like a brick right between the eyes – I thought I was treating you and showing you I felt like that the entire time, when in reality I couldn’t possibly have been because I was investing energy in two worlds and holding back in both of them…. The word “optional” literally jumped off the page at me. It opened up a flood of emotions about all the times over the 11.5 years that you must have felt like an option and how each time slowly chipped away at our relationship. I thought we had reached a compromise, when I never should have settled for a “compromise”. It was selfish on my part putting my fear above your feelings. In my heart, you were never an “option” but I now see how my actions made it seem that way. I can’t imagine how that must have made you feel for so long. For all those times I am truly sorry and ask for your forgiveness.

 

It also made me realize the impact this had on planning a future together - in my heart and head, the future was always us together, but it’s now so clear how it couldn’t have survived with my fear of being open to my family and others. Now that my worlds are merged it’s hard to believe I didn’t realize this sooner (another brick between the eyes). I see how difficult it must have been for you to stay in a long term relationship with the future clouded by my fears. For this, I’m also sorry and ask for your forgiveness.

 

Another reading included the following:

Relationship breaks are not a onetime severance like a death. They are a bending, shaping, stretching and realigning that enhances the relationship. It had to come from a break because the relationship was in a false bubble which had to be burst before it could exist and breathe in a normal healthy world.

 

I reached out to xxxxxx and xxxxxx a while back for help with processing what was happening and to learn more about their successful 33 year relationship which I greatly admire. They shared with me that about 13 years into their relationship they also went through a very rough patch and separated, but through work and counseling, reunited to a new relationship that has been fantastic for 20+ years. I’m not suggesting counseling or that just because they were able to do this that we can or should, but wanted to share the success story of two friends who we both greatly respect as an example of the possibilities.

 

The last three months have been spent doing a lot of soul searching, self-reflection, and reading. The “bubble” that our old relationship was in burst for good reasons, and things couldn’t continue without change. A significant change that I hope has a positive impact on our relationship existing and breathing in a healthy world opening up to my family about who I am and about you. It has been so well received and liberating, except for the regrets of not doing it sooner and the impact of that on us. I would add friends to this list, but that was such a small step it was insignificant - it was just a matter of affirming what they already knew and I already knew they knew.

 

The removal of the shackles I’d put on myself have me very excited about the future, which I hope can be with you. I know it takes two to reconcile, and I wouldn’t want you to reluctantly come back to the table, nor would I want to be with someone that no longer wants to be with me. I can’t reason or logic us back into a relationship, but I can share where I now am and make sure there is an awareness of where that is. I don’t know where you currently are, but wherever that is, I respect it and want you to be happy.

 

I love you to infinity,

 

P.S. I’m walking with xxxxxx in the xxxxxx contingent in the Gay Pride parade Saturday and would love to have you by my side.