Boyfriend won't give up the bars

[LB]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now. Before that, we were friends for about 7 years. I knew he went out to bars before we started dating, but I believed him when he said he would give them up when we were together. It seems like the only thing we fight about is the same old thing..... him going to the bars!!! Although he dosent go out as often as he did before we started dating, he still goes out. After work, he has a couple of beers with the guys (even though he knows I dont like it), and when I am away on weekends visiting my family, he stays out late. On the few occasions that we are mad at each other....guess where he goes??? You got it....The bars!!! He has promised me that when we get married, that he will be with me every night, but I seriously have my doubts.He seems to have every excuse in the book as to why he still goes. And heres the best part...I went out to a sports bar 1 time with a girlfriend in the last year and a half, and I got hell for it. Im really getting fed up. Please help!!!

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "He has promised me that when we get married, that he will be with me every night, but I seriously have my doubts."

 

Why are you even contemplating marriage with a potential alcoholic whose drinking behavior you detest? You clearly knew he liked to go to bars when you started dating him. You were his friend for S-E-V-E-N (7) years. Being with a man you must change in order to fit him into your life is wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

You say you have your doubts and you are absolutely justified in having them. If anything, when you get married things will be worse. Remember, it's in the courting stages when men are on their best behavior. It won't get any better than it is right now.

 

On the upside, it is possible for him to mature and grow out of this drinking thing as his buddies mature. Perhaps when he's 35 or 40 he won't do it as much. On the other hand it could get worse.

 

Don't marry him until he has stayed away from the bars for at least 18 months.

 

YOU ALSO WRITE: "And heres the best part...I went out to a sports bar 1 time with a girlfriend in the last year and a half, and I got hell for it. Im really getting fed up.

 

You're fed up? So am I. Not only is this guy a bar hog, but he's also a hypocrite with double standards. The nerve of him to give you hell for something he does every week.

 

I urge you to seek counselling immediately to find out why you stay with a guy who has problems that could potentially ruin your life. And while you're at the counsellor's office, work on why you would want to marry a hypocrite who preaches to you and scolds you for doing something only once that he does all the time.

 

Do you want a hypocrite setting an example for your children. That's exactly how our society has managed to produce so may dysfunctional children.

 

I just want to puke. Oh, how romantic!!!

[Laurynn]

I've been divorced now for over 6 yrs. When I was 25, I married a guy who was 27. We'd been together for a year before we married (lived together). When I first met him, he swore up and down that he was tired of the bar scene, was ready to settle down, rarely drank. These were qualities I admired/were important to me.

 

After a few months, I guess he went back to his old self. I worked shift work and every time I went to work, he was out at the bar. I'm sure lots of times, he'd crawl home 15 minutes before I'd get off work. I was out busting my ass (nurse) for 12-13 long hours and there was party boy, out boozing it up. This pissed me off supremely and I felt he'd lied about his lifestyle.

 

When I managed to get the weekend off (every 3rd weekend), I'd ask if he and I could go out for a couple drinks. No way in hell. We would have our nastiest fights then. He would call me every name in the book, yell at me and remind me that he was "NOT INTO THE BAR." ha! So basically, he did as he pleased when I was working, but when I was off, we sat at home like two hermits.

 

I remember, just a month after we were engaged, one of his best friend's girlfriends wanted to go out for dinner with me, so we did. We went to the local neighborhood pub. Had dinner, a couple drinks. Of course he showed up, pissed (drunk) and made an ass of himself. Her and I decided to leave, I was embarassed. Angry that he had to 'check up on me' (I'd never been out without him before, ever). We went back to my place so I could change clothes, we were going to go out to a funky little pub for a drink. He came home, fit to be tied, drunk, and told me that if I left that house, I could never come back. I was furious. WHO was he to tell me I couldn't go out with a girlfriend. What a double standard. I refused to listen to him....he ripped my engagement ring off my finger, grabbed me by the throat. He made me go out to the truck and tell my friend that I "couldn't go." This was the beginning of a long road of being controlled and double standards.

 

Throughout our 2 yr marriage, he never took me out for drinks/in public. But he sure spent his fair share of time in the bar. How could I stop him? I was working.

 

As it turned out, the reason he wouldn't take me/didn't want me to go, was he didn't want all his "hunnies" realizing he was engaged/married.

 

A guy who needs to go to the bar like yours does, he's trouble. If he can't respect your wishes enough, let him go. Things will NOT get better once you are married. Take it from me. I thought the same thing myself. What a mistake. It was even worse after marriage....and made ME feel worse, because there was my husband, out at the skanky bars while I was working all night. I felt very resentful and disrespected. He'd often lie about having gone, but when I'd get home in the morning and he'd wreak like booze, I knew.

 

Either he's insecure and needs to go to a bar to hit on chicks/be hit on himself, to boost his self esteem/ego......or he's an alcoholic. Both were the case for my ex hubby (notice I say "ex").

 

Problems never improve with marriage..they always get worse. Your guy sounds like a selfish, immature, insecure, jerkish dick...just like mine was. Be careful too....alcoholics are no fun to live with/be married to. Horrible environment to bring children into. Even if someone has a couple drinks, 3-4 nights a week, they can still be an alcoholic. Don't have to be a 'fall down drunk' to be one. If drinking/the bar scene is getting in the way of your relationship, then he's got a problem with booze..and he's an alcoholic.

 

I wish you the very best,

 

Laurynn

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now. Before that, we were friends for about 7 years. I knew he went out to bars before we started dating, but I believed him when he said he would give them up when we were together. It seems like the only thing we fight about is the same old thing..... him going to the bars!!! Although he dosent go out as often as he did before we started dating, he still goes out. After work, he has a couple of beers with the guys (even though he knows I dont like it), and when I am away on weekends visiting my family, he stays out late. On the few occasions that we are mad at each other....guess where he goes??? You got it....The bars!!! He has promised me that when we get married, that he will be with me every night, but I seriously have my doubts.He seems to have every excuse in the book as to why he still goes. And heres the best part...I went out to a sports bar 1 time with a girlfriend in the last year and a half, and I got hell for it. Im really getting fed up. Please help!!!