Picking the right battles

[jussie]

My boyfriend just dumped me and it's safe to say it was because of the frequent arguments we gOT into in the last few months of relationship. I have had other relationships end for the same reason. So my question to you all is: what strategy do you use to pick your battles with your partner?

 

I have a hard time letting things slide and tend to make comments or share my opinion after he has said something. He often took it the wrong way and got defensive, which would turn into an argument. Or i would try to tell him a more efficient way of doing something and he would get defensive and not take the constructive criticism well. I realize I should have just kept my mouth shut but many times I opened my mouth when I felt he was being inconsiderate. I understand he wasn't doing it on purpose but he still didn't handle my confronting him well.

 

This problem is to the point where I don't know how to act in a relationship. Should I stop voicing my opinions (I'm a strong-willed straightforward person) in order to keep the peace? When I think about doing that, it almost makes me sick because it's an awful lot like censoring myself. I want to be my opinionated self in a relationship but all it seems to do is drive men away due to the arguing it causes! Help!!!!! Besides anger management classes, is there anything I can do to communicate better in a relationship? I would love to hear other couples' strategies and learn what I can. Please feel free to ask me any questions about the relationship if you think it will help you answer my questions. Thanks a lot!

[Knix]

It's not what you say so much as how you say it sometimes. My boyfriend and I have different political beliefs for example, it would be so easy to fight with him about all of this and we have, but because I know it's a heated subject, without silencing myself, I approach it calmly and try to come into it seeing both sides. You could say "I see where you're coming from, I also see X,Y,Z" and sometimes it's just "agree to disagree".

 

Theres a difference between voicing your opinion and starting a fight. Make yourself aware to the feelings you experience when you're voicing your opinion, do you become easily irritable?

 

At the end of the day you can say what you need to say, but make sure your ultimate goal is not to prove someone wrong, no one wins in that situation.

[basil67]

My answer is going to have two parts. The first part will tackle being opinionated and picking battles. The second part is about your previous relationship.

 

The best relationships (in my opinion) are those which are calm and comfortable. Imagine having the confidence in knowing that when you both get home in the evening, it will be into a warm, loving and supportive environment. This is the goal. To achieve this, we must find a balance between making our needs known and censoring ourselves so that we don't say unnecessary negative things.

 

When to pick a battle? First, have a look at the frequency of what's going on. Consider how important the issue is. For example, if your partner has a habit of not telling you that he won't be home for dinner, it is disrespectful and you need to say something. But if your partner is generally a kind and considerate person and one evening says something which doesn't sound so nice, just put it down to him having a bad day and let it go. Or if you must say something, try "are you OK? You're sounding a little bit stressed" My teenage daughter did this to me recently when I was being snappy. She didn't even mention my own bad behaviour. It's an incredibly thoughtful way to pull up someone on their behaviour without exacerbating the situation.

 

You say that the idea of censoring yourself almost makes you sick. Why is this so? I mean, this is simply about thinking before we speak. And being opinionated seems to be very important to you despite it not being generally considered a positive personality trait. What's going on here? I'm not suggesting you be a wilting flower in the background, but truth is that most of our opinions on life the universe and everything really aren't that important. Therefore, much of it doesn't *need* to be said. Speak less, listen more.

 

Now, regarding you and your relationships. I'm referring back to this post you made http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/619921-abusive-relationship-both-us-2.html

 

This relationship was a disaster. From what you write, he did not have the skills for a good relationship. And you seemed to believe that you could communicate your way through it. However, it was never going to work...and you were never going to be happy. When a relationship really isn't working, don't be opinionated....don't pick your battles. Just leave. Save the self censoring for a relationship which is 90% good.

 

Perhaps when you have a great partner who meets most of your needs, self censoring and picking your battles will be much easier for you.

[jussie]

It's not what you say so much as how you say it sometimes. My boyfriend and I have different political beliefs for example, it would be so easy to fight with him about all of this and we have, but because I know it's a heated subject, without silencing myself, I approach it calmly and try to come into it seeing both sides. You could say "I see where you're coming from, I also see X,Y,Z" and sometimes it's just "agree to disagree".

 

Theres a difference between voicing your opinion and starting a fight. Make yourself aware to the feelings you experience when you're voicing your opinion, do you become easily irritable?

 

At the end of the day you can say what you need to say, but make sure your ultimate goal is not to prove someone wrong, no one wins in that situation.

 

You made a good point. My ex wounded often say I was "instigating" like I was picking a fight. My guess is i just can't tell the difference. I tried to convey to him that I was simply voicing an opinion and not trying to hurt him or pick a fight.

 

I would agree, however, that I probably have a bad way of delivering my opinions. I could probably word them better.

 

Thanks so much for your advice!

[Simple Logic]

Take a deep breath and engage brain before engaging mouth. Usually 24 hours.

[Els]

It's honestly difficult to provide feedback on this without concrete examples - of what he did/said that you found offensive, and of how you brought up the issue.

 

As for "telling them how to do things in a more efficient way", in general it's a good idea not to unless you are explicitly asked for advice. If you really feel you could do something better than them and that it needs to be done as efficiently as possible, just do it yourself - if you are genuinely that much of an expert on it, they will learn from observing you. Nobody likes that person who constantly criticizes how everyone does everything but doesn't lift a finger to do it - not just in romantic relationships, but in general.

Edited April 10, 2017 by Elswyth

[jussie]

My answer is going to have two parts. The first part will tackle being opinionated and picking battles. The second part is about your previous relationship.

 

The best relationships (in my opinion) are those which are calm and comfortable. Imagine having the confidence in knowing that when you both get home in the evening, it will be into a warm, loving and supportive environment. This is the goal. To achieve this, we must find a balance between making our needs known and censoring ourselves so that we don't say unnecessary negative things.

 

When to pick a battle? First, have a look at the frequency of what's going on. Consider how important the issue is. For example, if your partner has a habit of not telling you that he won't be home for dinner, it is disrespectful and you need to say something. But if your partner is generally a kind and considerate person and one evening says something which doesn't sound so nice, just put it down to him having a bad day and let it go. Or if you must say something, try "are you OK? You're sounding a little bit stressed" My teenage daughter did this to me recently when I was being snappy. She didn't even mention my own bad behaviour. It's an incredibly thoughtful way to pull up someone on their behaviour without exacerbating the situation.

 

You say that the idea of censoring yourself almost makes you sick. Why is this so? I mean, this is simply about thinking before we speak. And being opinionated seems to be very important to you despite it not being generally considered a positive personality trait. What's going on here? I'm not suggesting you be a wilting flower in the background, but truth is that most of our opinions on life the universe and everything really aren't that important. Therefore, much of it doesn't *need* to be said. Speak less, listen more.

 

Now, regarding you and your relationships. I'm referring back to this post you made http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/619921-abusive-relationship-both-us-2.html

 

This relationship was a disaster. From what you write, he did not have the skills for a good relationship. And you seemed to believe that you could communicate your way through it. However, it was never going to work...and you were never going to be happy. When a relationship really isn't working, don't be opinionated....don't pick your battles. Just leave. Save the self censoring for a relationship which is 90% good.

 

Perhaps when you have a great partner who meets most of your needs, self censoring and picking your battles will be much easier for you.

 

I'm not trying to defend him, but in my previous thread, I only discussed the negative aspects of the relationship. I left out most of the positive aspects. In my opinion, the relationship was "90% good". I'm not sure that he did not have the skills for a good relationship - perhaps you could explain what you mean by that. I think that would be helpful for me.

 

As for myself, I appreciate your criticism. I don't agree that being opinionated is necessarily a bad thing. It may have a negative connotation, but I never feel offended when anyone says I am opinionated. It's just an innate characteristic that I don't think I can change, which is why I said that it makes me sick to think of trying to change that about myself. I have tried over the years to censor myself, but I end up feeling like I've compromised my values. I do believe, however, there is a difference (however fine) between thinking before you speak, which I admit I hardly ever do unless I'm in a work setting, and censoring yourself just to keep the peace.

 

Overall, your comments and everyone else's are the reason why I posted this thread. Everyone has been very helpful in sharing their advice, so thank you for that.

[meta.morphate]

I also have a problem with starting fights in relationships. I'm just an argumentative person I guess, and when I feel like I'm right, I feel like I'm justified in saying what I want, and I have gone through a few relationships without giving any consideration to my partner's feedback (in whatever forms it comes) about how much I instigate problems, or how I "love to fight".

 

 

I think it might be beneficial for you to take some time away from dating relationships for a little bit, and look at your other relationships. Are you instigating fights there? Get feedback from other people in your life besides a significant other, and see if they think you're argumentative or controlling, etc. And listen to them. Sometimes you have to open your eyes to distasteful things about yourself in order to improve yourself. Practice with other people, while you're not in a relationship. If someone at work or a friend is doing something and you feel the urge to tell them a better way to do it (just to use your example), try NOT telling them what to do and observing how YOU feel about watching something and going against your instinct to control it.

 

 

What I like to do, is write, often, and examine how I'm doing. I just posted a thread about acting out in anger because I saw the dude I mess with driving with another girl - even though technically, within the context of the relationship we have, that is supposed to be 'fine'. So I slipped up, flipped out, followed him, came at him through text, and spend the afternoon being angry, which didn't hurt him, but did cause me distress. So I wrote a post, and I've also written about it in my notebook, because I want to get ahold of my own behaviors and feelings, regardless of what anyone else in the world is doing. That's a powerful thing to be able to do but its hard and takes practice and you will slip up sometimes.

 

 

In terms of how to pick your battles, I think that when something is compromising your moral beliefs or violating your boundaries, that's the time to speak up. Because you're NOT going to be okay if you don't, it's going to come up again sooner or later and needs to be addressed, and to not address it is self-destructive. So like, if dude is sniffing cocaine or something and you're not cool with that, and it's eating at you, then I would speak up about it. I suggest you read up on Effective Communication strategies, because even during the times when it is necessary to speak your mind, there's are still more effective and more destructive ways to go about it. But, if dude is just .. playing video games when he comes home from work and isn't paying attention to you, and that's annoying, but usually he's pretty good, and you're kinda just seething for no reason, you might want to spend that time looking into yourself, and finding something else to do. Take a walk, or a shower, or whatever, but leave him alone for a little bit.

 

 

That's another thing - I feel like arguments for no reason are more frequent and intense when each person doesn't have a life outside of the relationship (or maybe only one person doesn't). My sister-in-law was living and breathing for my brother at one point and she thought about the most miniscule things and got worked up over them, because she just had nothing else to do.

[jussie]

I also have a problem with starting fights in relationships. I'm just an argumentative person I guess, and when I feel like I'm right, I feel like I'm justified in saying what I want, and I have gone through a few relationships without giving any consideration to my partner's feedback (in whatever forms it comes) about how much I instigate problems, or how I "love to fight".

 

 

I think it might be beneficial for you to take some time away from dating relationships for a little bit, and look at your other relationships. Are you instigating fights there? Get feedback from other people in your life besides a significant other, and see if they think you're argumentative or controlling, etc. And listen to them. Sometimes you have to open your eyes to distasteful things about yourself in order to improve yourself. Practice with other people, while you're not in a relationship. If someone at work or a friend is doing something and you feel the urge to tell them a better way to do it (just to use your example), try NOT telling them what to do and observing how YOU feel about watching something and going against your instinct to control it.

 

 

What I like to do, is write, often, and examine how I'm doing. I just posted a thread about acting out in anger because I saw the dude I mess with driving with another girl - even though technically, within the context of the relationship we have, that is supposed to be 'fine'. So I slipped up, flipped out, followed him, came at him through text, and spend the afternoon being angry, which didn't hurt him, but did cause me distress. So I wrote a post, and I've also written about it in my notebook, because I want to get ahold of my own behaviors and feelings, regardless of what anyone else in the world is doing. That's a powerful thing to be able to do but its hard and takes practice and you will slip up sometimes.

 

 

In terms of how to pick your battles, I think that when something is compromising your moral beliefs or violating your boundaries, that's the time to speak up. Because you're NOT going to be okay if you don't, it's going to come up again sooner or later and needs to be addressed, and to not address it is self-destructive. So like, if dude is sniffing cocaine or something and you're not cool with that, and it's eating at you, then I would speak up about it. I suggest you read up on Effective Communication strategies, because even during the times when it is necessary to speak your mind, there's are still more effective and more destructive ways to go about it. But, if dude is just .. playing video games when he comes home from work and isn't paying attention to you, and that's annoying, but usually he's pretty good, and you're kinda just seething for no reason, you might want to spend that time looking into yourself, and finding something else to do. Take a walk, or a shower, or whatever, but leave him alone for a little bit.

 

 

That's another thing - I feel like arguments for no reason are more frequent and intense when each person doesn't have a life outside of the relationship (or maybe only one person doesn't). My sister-in-law was living and breathing for my brother at one point and she thought about the most miniscule things and got worked up over them, because she just had nothing else to do.

 

Thanks for your comment - you made a few really great points that I can relate to.

 

I think I do have a problem with feeling like I'm justified in getting angry at someone just because I think I'm right. Regardless of whether I'm right or not, I've realized that at the end of the day, MOST OF THE TIME it doesn't matter. Whatever we are arguing about, it won't be important a month from now or a year from now. But it's EXTREMELY difficult for me to remember that and think logically when I'm in the middle of being angry. I need to find a way to stop and think, but it's difficult when I'm already worked up.

 

I've never really thought about how I feel when I try to let things go. Now that I think about it, I don't think it would feel that bad. I mean, it would probably be uncomfortable at first, but I think I could live with it. What usually gets me angry is that I actually do let things go sometimes, or I let him do it his way, BUT in the end if it doesn't work and we end up doing it my way (and it always works out), I just end up being extremely angry that we didn't do it my way to begin with! By doing it his way, we end up wasting time and energy (and sometimes money), and I just don't understand why I should put up with that. WHY DON'T PEOPLE CARE ABOUT DOING THINGS THE MOST EFFICIENT WAY?!

 

I will admit that I didn't really have a life outside my boyfriend. In a previous post, I explained that I had gotten fired from a job and had to move from DC back to California. But I'm not close to my parents (so I don't really hang out with them very much) and all my friends in California are married with kids. When I was living in DC, they didn't put much effort into keeping in touch with me - it was always me having to organize get-togethers and I got tired of it, so I stopped doing that. And that's why I don't really have anyone to hang out with here, except my boyfriend. I guess I felt like everything was slipping away from me and I was forced to give up a pretty good life in DC - I had decent friends, a nice apartment, and a solid job within a really fun city. I gave up all that not just because I was fired but because I wanted to make our relationship work, since he was never going to move to DC. So basically I moved back and had to find a job. Unfortunately, during the 4 months I was job hunting, I didn't have anyone to hang out with except him. So that put a lot of stress on the relationship. As they say, hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had tried harder to find my own friends and not spend so much time with him. I also put a lot of pressure on the relationship because I felt like it HAD to work out, since I gave up so much to be with him. I essentially moved back for him, and I felt like that meant he should stay with me and try harder to make the relationship work. But now I realize I can't make anyone do anything, and I just have to take responsibility for making the choice to move back home. My new job pays $20k less and I am sort of struggling to make ends meet, so I am pretty resentful that I gave up my life in DC only to end up worse off - crappier job, crappy apartment, and no man. But I understand this is temporary - I can tough out the job for a few years and find something better, I can leave my apartment when my 1-year lease is up, and I'm sure there are other men out there. But I still miss my boyfriend - we have known each other since high school and we had a good thing going. It's sad that it ended.

[SpiralOut]

T

 

What usually gets me angry is that I actually do let things go sometimes, or I let him do it his way, BUT in the end if it doesn't work and we end up doing it my way (and it always works out), I just end up being extremely angry that we didn't do it my way to begin with! By doing it his way, we end up wasting time and energy (and sometimes money), and I just don't understand why I should put up with that. WHY DON'T PEOPLE CARE ABOUT DOING THINGS THE MOST EFFICIENT WAY?!

 

 

If I'm interpreting this right, you're saying that he wouldn't take your opinion seriously about certain things. Almost like he assumed you didn't know what you were talking about or just didn't care what you thought, even though your ideas usually end up working better than his.

 

In my experience, men like to be the ones who figure things out or fix things. It's an ego thing. I say, if you don't like how he wants to do something, step back. He can be the one who wastes his own time and energy. If he changes his mind and wants to try it your way, you can jump in to help. Of course, if he basically NEVER wants to hear your opinion, you need to decide if that's a dealbreaker for you. Or maybe you just need to date a more rational guy.

[jussie]

If I'm interpreting this right, you're saying that he wouldn't take your opinion seriously about certain things. Almost like he assumed you didn't know what you were talking about or just didn't care what you thought, even though your ideas usually end up working better than his.

 

In my experience, men like to be the ones who figure things out or fix things. It's an ego thing. I say, if you don't like how he wants to do something, step back. He can be the one who wastes his own time and energy. If he changes his mind and wants to try it your way, you can jump in to help. Of course, if he basically NEVER wants to hear your opinion, you need to decide if that's a dealbreaker for you. Or maybe you just need to date a more rational guy.

 

Yes, you interpreted that correctly. I suppose, thinking about what you just wrote, maybe I am just very hurt that he doesn't take my opinion seriously and thinks he "knows better". I very much agree that it is an ego thing that is exclusive to men. I have never met a woman who was like that. I wish he would acknowledge that I was right if we ended up doing it my way, and in the future trusted my suggestions more.

 

It's not that he never wants to hear my opinion, but rather when I give my opinion, he often doesn't value it. Overall, this attitude makes me wonder if he even respects me enough. One of the problems we both acknowledged is that we both think we are very smart and have the best way of doing something. I would say that sometimes he comes up with great ideas, and sometimes I do. I always thank him for his great ideas, but he rarely thanks me.

 

From the beginning of the relationship, he has had this attitude. My theory is that he was raised this way by his parents, specifically his mom. He is the oldest of 4 kids (3 boys, 1 girl), and his dad was never really around after the age of 10 because he worked overseas. I think growing up he felt like he was the man of the house, especially in high school. He admitted that he and his dad would butt heads when his dad did come home from business. His father died in 2011, and since then he has become the head of his house. His mother is always asking his opinion on all sorts of things, even for repairs at her house, even though he doesn't even live there anymore. And his two brothers are 15+ years younger than him, so he is like a dad to them. I think all of this "family leadership" has gone to his head, and he is not used to anyone challenging his authority. I, on the other hand, am an only child. I was raised to be very independent and had to do a lot for myself because my parents weren't there for me emotionally or physically (basically only there financially). So we are both strong personalities. I have seen the way he mismanages certain aspects of his life, so it's hard for me to trust him whenever we need to solve a problem together. I think he probably thinks the same of me. At the end of the day, we probably both need to be more humble and respect the other person more, and TRUST them more.

 

I will admit I lost my trust in him early on when he lied to me about his ex. He was basically texting with her at least once a week up until we started dating, even though they had broken up over a year prior. Long story short, I found out that he dumped her, and she was the one initiating all the texts and calls because she was hoping he would eventually take her back, but he would reply because he didn't want to hurt her feelings, and they were still on a friendly basis. However, when I came into the picture, he hadn't told her about me, and even when I told him to tell her about me, all he said to her was that he was "seeing someone." I pretty much blew up because he didn't tell her we were serious, didn't tell her my name, and didn't tell her anything about me. I could tell he was hiding the truth from her, because on some level he knew it would hurt her feelings to see he had found someone while she had not. We had a huge argument about it because he didn't believe his ex was only talking to him because she wasn't over him and wanted him back. But when he finally told his ex and we were serious, she backed off voluntarily, thus proving my point that she was basically keeping in touch with him in hopes of getting back together with him. After this happened, I could never fully trust my boyfriend again because I felt he was not completely truthful about the nature of his relationship with his ex. I simply thought they were on amicable terms; I had NO IDEA she was texting him almost daily and still calling him for advice about her life problems (e.g. going back to college and finishing her degree). Anyways, now that I think about it, I wonder if I can ever really trust him again. Perhaps there is no point in trying to get back together with a guy who is afraid to tell me the truth about his life. If there is one pet peeve I have, people who lie and are deceptive, and people who believe that omitting the truth (keeping information from you) doesn't count as lying.

[preraph]

I can only offer my longstanding rule about worrying, but I think it can be applied to how to pick your battles. Whatever the issue, ask yourself three things. First, ask yourself if it can be resolved, if there's anything you yourself can do about it. If so, resolve it. Second, ask yourself if it doesn't get resolved, what is the worst that can happen? Can you live with the consequences? Third, ask yourself if untended to, it will still be an issue a year from now. If not, maybe let it go and just stop worrying about it or getting mad about it and letting it erode your life.

 

If, however, it is something that will continue to be an issue and the consequences are not anything you or your family can live with, this is the hill you want to die on.

 

The point of that for worrying is don't waste time and energy worrying about something you can't change or that will eventually fade away.

[spiderowl]

I think it is reasonable to say something to a partner if they are being inconsiderate or hurting you in some way. If you are very opinionated, you may find that some partners find that too much. Others will stand up to you and be just as forthright themselves. Whether such a relationship would work out is anybody's guess.

 

It seems to me you were not picking up on the emotional signs that your boyfriend felt threatened by your interventions. If you can see him getting defensive, then that is the point at which to ask yourself why he is being defensive, to try to understand what is going on for him.

 

Being frank though, opinionated people can be difficult to live with. Some just like warm and peace-loving and don't need politics and strong opinions at home. Making sure your boyfriend respects your feelings and treats you kindly is important. Forcing your views on everything under the sun down his throat is not so important. Only you can know what the battles were over. Often there is an underlying problem where one person feels the other does not care enough or is not as invested, that then triggers fear and frustration.

 

Something to think about anyway.

[Silverstring]

Just keep in mind that you shouldn't be battling your partner. It's not a competition. You should be trying to work together to come to a resolution. The often used phrase is "Would you rather be right, or be happy?" People in good relationships would rather be happy. Sounds like you would rather be right.

[GorillaTheater]

1) Don't fight over the small stuff.

2) Almost everything qualifies as small stuff.

 

 

And yes, I get bugged when my wife stands over me and tries to play Supervisor.