What is happening here?

[alexa11]

First of all I want to say thank you for reading this, as I'm about to pour out my heart and write like I haven't in forever.

 

 

It all started when I met someone when I was just a preteen as so was he, we had a connection that brought us together but that same connection is what ultimately had a lot to do with what separated us. He was basically my first crush, my first kiss on the cheek, maybe even my first love in many ways. He was this boy who had beautiful eyes and a smile that melted my heart. I will refer to him as *myhandsome*.

 

When we were officially teenagers he moved and lived in my hometown for a few years. He was in love with me and I was in love with him. But then something in me shifted, maybe it was the fact I knew we had a lot of issues surrounding us that would make it hard to be together, maybe I was afraid of being in love with HIM. But eventually I broke his heart and I ended up dating someone else.

 

He moved away but we remained good friends we always somehow saw eachother, talked, kept in touch etc even if we lived in different places. I can say that whenever I had issues in my relationship I turned to him, but then as soon as I showed up I would disappear again because I really wanted to make that relationship work. We did talk a lot and flirted many times while I was with my bf at the time, since I was in a very unstable relationship. We had sex very few times so our friendship/relationship was never only sexual by any means. Not that was any excuse but I do want to be honest, he's always been the one person I made that exception for. I feel a big part of me always saw our friendship as pure, innocent, and full of love and maybe a huge piece of me always believed he would be the one I ended up with, that he was going to be the one at the end. But he eventually started to move on, and got married young before he got deployed. That broke my heart.

 

 

 

That marriage didn't last. But when he divorced again I was still with my bf working things out (at this point I had bee with my bf for 8 years). Its like our timing was always wrong, and even though I had strong feelings for him deep down I guess I never had the courage to try. I was stuck in a relationship that consumed me, that had a lot of manipulation, and self sacrifice and I didn't see that at the time because I was very young. I saw him a few times after his divorce, but nothing much came of it as I was still with that person.

 

Years forward, after the many random times we saw eachother and he visited me, he came one day unable to say much but just stare at me and looked very frustrated and left. I didn't understand what was going on. I later found out he had married and was expecting a child. When I found that out it was the hardest thing I had ever been through, a part of me knew it was over and that I had to let him go for good. I realized he was not supposed to be the one I ended up with at the end, that the possibility was vanished. After that I changed in my relationship and had the courage to be more independent and ask for more of my partner but ultimately few months later that 10 year heavy relationship I carried on my shoulders ended. I basically in the matter of 5 months had two very important things taken from me and I was lost.

 

I went back to school, worked, and dated a few people (nothing serious) as I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, where did I go? who was I? and I did learn and accomplish things on my own and it felt great. I never heard from him again since he showed up and vanished, but I did hold a lot of hurt as of why he didn't tell me the truth then and there and I had to find out on my own.

 

After 4 years of not speaking with *myhandsome* he contacted me and asked to see me about two years ago, I was very shocked to hear from him but told him I could not see him after be begged. The issue was I had started dating someone a year ago at that point, and we were moving in together (bad timing yet again). I did let him talk to me on the phone so he could explain himself at the very least, he explained when he came to see me he knew he had made a mistake and he could just not tell me the truth then and there. He confessed to me he lives a very unhappy life and is not in love with her. I was able to say how I felt about it all, we cried, we said our sorrys, and we said our I love yous, and I told him I had to try to be with this person and make it work and I wished him the best.

 

 

A year went by and we both did not bother eachother, but one day I had a vivid dream that pushed me to write to him and he responded to me saying he had dreamt of me without me mentioning any dream. At that point I knew I still love him, and he explained he felt the same for me. We were confused how after so many years and so many things we could both still feel eachother, dream, and yearn for one another. Its like a never ending torture. He is still married and says they are both aware they are not in "love" and hes waiting for her to make the divorce plans as he is afraid of doing it on his own and having a failed marriage twice. He explains he prefers her to take the first step. I cannot see him for certain circumstances hes very far at the moment. But the issue is he confessed to me she is pregnant again and expecting second child. He didn't have to be honest as I would never know at this point, but he explained he wants to be honest of it all this time and see where this can go. He says he does not want to cause me pain or break my heart, but I feel as I'm about to enter something that will cause my a lot of pain if it turns out wrong AGAIN. Sometims I feel guilt I would never think I'm the type of woman to talk to or let alone love a married man. Yet another part of me feels anger, anger of the situation, of fate of destiny, of the why? Why are we still do drawn? I am with someone and I love him but I'm not in love with him. In a perfect world I would be with *myhandsome* but what if I'm wasting my life on this? I just thought he would be happy ever after and I had already accepted that but now I feel that this has to be some sort of sign.

 

 

I don't want to be taken for a fool, I know him expecting a second child is not a good sign and I honestly don't know what to think of this whole thing, I just feel like I need to see him again and see where it goes even if I'm walking through fire. Can anyone else relate or give me their opnion >?

Edited April 10, 2017 by alexa11

[Marc878]

Those fond memories will probably fade when it comes to reality after a short time.

 

He's a fantasy in your mind at this point. You haven't had to live with him on a daily basis.

 

Plus he's a cheater. Is that really what you want mixed up in?

[WarriorBabe]

First of all I want to say thank you for reading this, as I'm about to pour out my heart and write like I haven't in forever.

 

 

It all started when I met someone when I was just a preteen as so was he, we had a connection that brought us together but that same connection is what ultimately had a lot to do with what separated us. He was basically my first crush, my first kiss on the cheek, maybe even my first love in many ways. He was this boy who had beautiful eyes and a smile that melted my heart. I will refer to him as *myhandsome*.

 

When we were officially teenagers he moved and lived in my hometown for a few years. He was in love with me and I was in love with him. But then something in me shifted, maybe it was the fact I knew we had a lot of issues surrounding us that would make it hard to be together, maybe I was afraid of being in love with HIM. But eventually I broke his heart and I ended up dating someone else.

 

He moved away but we remained good friends we always somehow saw eachother, talked, kept in touch etc even if we lived in different places. I can say that whenever I had issues in my relationship I turned to him, but then as soon as I showed up I would disappear again because I really wanted to make that relationship work. We did talk a lot and flirted many times while I was with my bf at the time, since I was in a very unstable relationship. We had sex very few times so our friendship/relationship was never only sexual by any means. Not that was any excuse but I do want to be honest, he's always been the one person I made that exception for. I feel a big part of me always saw our friendship as pure, innocent, and full of love and maybe a huge piece of me always believed he would be the one I ended up with, that he was going to be the one at the end. But he eventually started to move on, and got married young before he got deployed. That broke my heart.

 

 

 

That marriage didn't last. But when he divorced again I was still with my bf working things out (at this point I had bee with my bf for 8 years). Its like our timing was always wrong, and even though I had strong feelings for him deep down I guess I never had the courage to try. I was stuck in a relationship that consumed me, that had a lot of manipulation, and self sacrifice and I didn't see that at the time because I was very young. I saw him a few times after his divorce, but nothing much came of it as I was still with that person.

 

Years forward, after the many random times we saw eachother and he visited me, he came one day unable to say much but just stare at me and looked very frustrated and left. I didn't understand what was going on. I later found out he had married and was expecting a child. When I found that out it was the hardest thing I had ever been through, a part of me knew it was over and that I had to let him go for good. I realized he was not supposed to be the one I ended up with at the end, that the possibility was vanished. After that I changed in my relationship and had the courage to be more independent and ask for more of my partner but ultimately few months later that 10 year heavy relationship I carried on my shoulders ended. I basically in the matter of 5 months had two very important things taken from me and I was lost.

 

I went back to school, worked, and dated a few people (nothing serious) as I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, where did I go? who was I? and I did learn and accomplish things on my own and it felt great. I never heard from him again since he showed up and vanished, but I did hold a lot of hurt as of why he didn't tell me the truth then and there and I had to find out on my own.

 

After 4 years of not speaking with *myhandsome* he contacted me and asked to see me about two years ago, I was very shocked to hear from him but told him I could not see him after be begged. The issue was I had started dating someone a year ago at that point, and we were moving in together (bad timing yet again). I did let him talk to me on the phone so he could explain himself at the very least, he explained when he came to see me he knew he had made a mistake and he could just not tell me the truth then and there. He confessed to me he lives a very unhappy life and is not in love with her. I was able to say how I felt about it all, we cried, we said our sorrys, and we said our I love yous, and I told him I had to try to be with this person and make it work and I wished him the best.

 

 

A year went by and we both did not bother eachother, but one day I had a vivid dream that pushed me to write to him and he responded to me saying he had dreamt of me without me mentioning any dream. At that point I knew I still love him, and he explained he felt the same for me. We were confused how after so many years and so many things we could both still feel eachother, dream, and yearn for one another. Its like a never ending torture. He is still married and says they are both aware they are not in "love" and hes waiting for her to make the divorce plans as he is afraid of doing it on his own and having a failed marriage twice. He explains he prefers her to take the first step. I cannot see him for certain circumstances hes very far at the moment. But the issue is he confessed to me she is pregnant again and expecting second child. He didn't have to be honest as I would never know at this point, but he explained he wants to be honest of it all this time and see where this can go. He says he does not want to cause me pain or break my heart, but I feel as I'm about to enter something that will cause my a lot of pain if it turns out wrong AGAIN. Sometims I feel guilt I would never think I'm the type of woman to talk to or let alone love a married man. Yet another part of me feels anger, anger of the situation, of fate of destiny, of the why? Why are we still do drawn? I am with someone and I love him but I'm not in love with him. In a perfect world I would be with *myhandsome* but what if I'm wasting my life on this? I just thought he would be happy ever after and I had already accepted that but now I feel that this has to be some sort of sign.

 

 

I don't want to be taken for a fool, I know him expecting a second child is not a good sign and I honestly don't know what to think of this whole thing, I just feel like I need to see him again and see where it goes even if I'm walking through fire. Can anyone else relate or give me their opnion >?

 

First loves are sometimes the best memories we carry. Some of us base our lives around our first loves. We try and capture the essence of that relationship on to many other relationships. Failing at best, to recapture just a bit of it. Something like you have done in most of your relationships. All somehow failing and for some reason thinking that your first love was the purest of them all. But I must ask you, there were times during your relationships that you did not want him intruding and therefore you disappeared. Now, he's married, claims he's not in love with his wife but yet is steadily producing babies, why can't you disappear now? Why are you intruding? Are you older and realizing that you need love in your life at any cost?

[alexa11]

First loves are sometimes the best memories we carry. Some of us base our lives around our first loves. We try and capture the essence of that relationship on to many other relationships. Failing at best, to recapture just a bit of it. Something like you have done in most of your relationships. All somehow failing and for some reason thinking that your first love was the purest of them all. But I must ask you, there were times during your relationships that you did not want him intruding and therefore you disappeared. Now, he's married, claims he's not in love with his wife but yet is steadily producing babies, why can't you disappear now? Why are you intruding? Are you older and realizing that you need love in your life at any cost?

 

I think it was easier to disappear then because I was with someone for a long time and I really wanted that to work. Being that as I got older and realized that relationship was a waste, I think now being older and having been through so much including thinking I would NEVER get to talk to him again let alone to know he's still felt the same after these years, it makes me want to latch onto a situation I would had never imagined to be in. I hate that I always have to let him go. He claims the pregnancy was not planned and she tricked him into it and he was not happy about the news, but although they weren't doing well she still wanted another child by the same father. Trust me I know how this all sounds but at this point he's asking to just see me once again.

[anika99]

Off course this is going to end in pain for you. He has no plans to end his marriage to be with you. Saying he is going to wait for his wife to divorce him is not a plan. She's about to have a second child with him so why on earth would she divorce him? Him saying he doesn't want to be the one to initiate it because then he will have two failed marriages makes no sense. If his plan is to be with you then what difference does it make who initiates divorce? If she iniates it he's still going to have 2 failed marriages.

 

You say he wanted to be honest with you but doesn't he need to be honest with his wife if this is to go anywhere? I will give him points for being honest with you though, as he basically told you he is not divorcing his wife and he has no plans for divorce so basically he is asking you to be the OW and nothing more. You are not happy in your current situation so you are over romanticizing him. Your fantasy of him is your escape from everyday problems and relationship woes but he's just a married dude looking for an affair. The next time you speak to him tell him you will not be used as his emotional crutch and that if he is serious about being with you he needs to end his marriage first and come to you a free man.

[aileD]

All of this is really sweet, but he's off limits. He's married. He may feel like "yours" in your heart, but in real life....he's having babies with someone else. If he didn't love her why would they be having kids? Don't believe the lies of being tricked into it.

 

It does seem like he's felt stuff for you, but again it doesn't matter because he's married. That plus, he apparently doesn't love you enough to ask for a divorce on his own.

 

You're star crossed lovers. It is what it is. Maybe someday you'll end up together but it shouldn't be when one of you is married.

 

Don't be that person, it'll just hurt you more than not being with him.

[NTV]

If he were intent on divorce he'd want to get the first step or risk getting jerked over during the process. Leaving his wife is lip service.

 

Ready to be a side chick?

[Lauradlou]

I am sorry about your situation and that your heart seems so cloudy right now. He is a married man and I don't think it is okay for you to contact or see each other, considering your past. It is not fair to anyone. I think you need to keep the positive memories in your memory bank and move on. Maybe someday you can be friends, but not at this point. It is probably best to sever all ties to him. Surround yourself with friends, family and hobbies to keep your mind off of him and moving forward. Best of luck. I am praying for you to find peace in the situation and strength to move on.

[alexa11]

I have told him a couple times how this whole thing makes me feel confused and he says he will disappear if I ask him to. It breaks my heart when he goes into detail of the mistakes he's made and I do too. All I see is that person I've loved for so long, that person I awaited his return and yet this doesn't feel like a return. I really do love him, maybe it gave me comfort to believe him when he says they are both unhappy and after the child is born he's hoping they seperate quickly. Maybe he means it, but I wouldn't know until it did happen. If I love him I rather let him go (again) and see if he comes back to me entirely. I know what it's like coming from a broken home, my father cheated on my mom when I was a kid and the trust issues and how it's causes me to push people away when they were just trying to love me (including him) I don't want to cause his kids that pain. I know I rather leave our love in a good place and see if he's willing to make things right or stay "unhappy" with her. It hurts so bad and it's scary all over again.