Aislin Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Hi, I don't really know why I am posting this, I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest because I have no one to talk to. I am 40, been married for 16 years, four kids but I am so lonely. I should never have got married. I knew before the married that I didn't love him but my family and parents are so strict I couldn't back out because I would have 'shamed' the family! So I went through with it, we are very good friends and get on fairly well, we both drink probably more than we ought to and I think that is why I have just carried on, burying my head in the sand! We only have sex if I have had a drink because I dont fancy him. We nearly split up a few months back, I told him I wasn't happy and he was devastated, which made me feel really bad. I worry about the effect breaking up would have on the kids, they range from 5 to 13. He also has Chronic kidney disease and will need a transplant soon. So I just feel like I cant leave him. but I am not happy. I feel so sad to think that this is it for me. and that I never met my soulmate. Does anyone understand any of this or are in the same position. I feel so trapped! And no one knows, everyone thinks we are happily married! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 After 16 years the how you got married is water under the bridge. Plenty of folks are completely in love when they get married and still feel like that 16 years later. 4 kids at home and you're lonely? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Do you share any common interests with your husband? Do you go on dates? The difficulty here is that it sounds like you never truly wanted to be with him. Is that accurate? It's hard to ignite a spark that was never there. Have you two considered marriage counseling? I'm not sure what more to suggest if you are reluctant to leave but just aren't into the man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Welcome to marriage? Lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 There is no such a thing as a 'soul mate'. At 40 you are not in little girl anymore to beleive in fairy tales. There is no unicorns and rainbows out there. If this man is good to you and to your children than you are lucky. Head to marriage counseling. At 40 I suspect you are going through a mid life crisis. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Agreed. There is no such thing as a soul mate. I'm not saying that you should stay with your husband if you are truly unhappy... but stating, be careful before you go off chasing something that doesn't exist. Single parenting four children, dating again at 40 - neither of those things are really very fun either. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Was it a arranged marriage? If so, you never loved him? I am sorry you in this situation. I know what it is to be lonely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jooles Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Have an honest discussion with your husband and tell him you would like things to be better between you. Make your relationship a priority and take time to do things together-even if only taking a walk after supper, or watch a game show or fun movie together. You can only control you, and if your mindset is positive and upbeat then perhaps his will follow suit. On the flip side, if the thought of spending the rest of your life with this man makes you unhappy then it may be best for the both of you to part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 It does sound like you are looking for reasons to see someone else. Please consider your kids in that equation. What reason would be good enough for them. They will learn from what you do. What reason would you want them to give their spouses when they grow up? What reasons would you want them to accept should their future spouse cheat? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 After 16 years the how you got married is water under the bridge. Plenty of folks are completely in love when they get married and still feel like that 16 years later. 4 kids at home and you're lonely? Exactly ! Unless a nanny is taking care of all of them. If so, then either get rid of her or get involved in their lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 There is no such a thing as a 'soul mate'. At 40 you are not in little girl anymore to beleive in fairy tales. There is no unicorns and rainbows out there. Off the thread but there is such a thing called soul mate. Even better , twin flames. I've seen an adult couple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 OP, was this an arranged marriage or did you choose this? 4 kids at home and you're lonely? It's perfectly normal for a parent, especially if they're doing the majority of the childcare, to feel lonely. People often still crave adult company, which their children cannot provide (and should not be expected to provide). I trust that you don't know too many SAHPs, if you think this isn't a common issue. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 There may be no such thing as a soulmate in the sense of ONE single person who is the absolute only perfect match for you in the world.... but there definitely are people that you can share interests with and feel attraction to! My advice would be to look at different aspects of your married life. See which ones are okay, which ones can be improved if you try, and which ones can't be addressed inside the marriage. You say you two are good friends. Do you enjoy each other's company in general? Are there fun things you like to do together? Have you been doing them, and making sure to nurture and cherish that friendship? Are there aspects of your life (outside of sex/romance) that he has no interest in and can't support you with? Hobbies, philosophy, fandoms, things like that? You may need to seek other friends to help you explore these aspects of your life if he is not interested. THAT IS OKAY. You don't have to cut off every part of yourself that doesn't fit into a wife-and-mom shaped box. If you love him but he doesn't float your boat, are you able to feed the sexual/romantic side of yourself with fantasy? It is not wrong to seek your own pleasures in masturbation, romance novels, 'video game husbands', etc. I wish society didn't snicker so much at anything that had to do with women's desire. And beyond that, of course, talking to him about what you want may enable you to find a solution together. Many, many couples come up with their own weird relationships... you do have more options than just suffer, divorce, or cheat. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Nothing in your post indicates that you want to be married to your husband. You can't stay for the kids or because your family will be upset. If you are going to pick that very bad option you can't have an affair either & you must then resign yourself to giving up your dream of a soul mate. I do fear that you may have unreasonable expectations. No relationship looks like the love portrayed in movies & romance novels. They all have their share of problems. All require hard work. With 4 kids you will always have responsibilities. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Get some individual counselling to get more clarity on your thoughts and feelings. You need to be very sure about whatever you decide to do. (Please don't have an affair - it only ever makes things worse.) Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 And no one knows, everyone thinks we are happily married! You've gotten some great advice. Had you bought a car 14 years ago, it would be showing some wear and tear. No more new car smell, a few dings and dents and a need for constant and occasionally major upkeep to keep it running. For some reason, people don't look at marriage the same way. It can be hard work to sustain a relationship 14 months, much less through 4 kids and 14 years. Unless you both pay attention to the maintenance required, it's easy to get where you are now. As always, the question is where to from here? There are many organizations that sponsor "marriage retreats", it's a chance to talk, reconnect and plan for the future. Given what's at stake, I hope it would be something you'd consider. In this instance, be careful what you're wishing for... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aislin Posted April 11, 2017 Author Share Posted April 11, 2017 Thanks for all your replies, I dont know that I mentioned I wanted to have an affair, I dont think I could live with myself if I did that. And maybe I am living in a fairytale world. I honestly used to believe that there was one true love for us all out there and I feel like I never met mine, perhaps I am just a fantasist! I feel bad for my husband because I feel he could be happier with someone who truly loves him. I find this really hard to explain. I am not a bad person. I just feel so unhappy and cant help but feel sad that this might be it now for me. He rescued me from an abusive relationship and introduced me to drinking and we used to have a laugh, so when he asked me to marry him I said yes. I was young and I shouldn't have done it. Since then we had kids and I focused on them and maybe because they are now getting older I am looking at things clearer. But I dont want to hurt him. I dont think marriage counselling would work because I know I dont want to be married. But I am putting him above me by staying with him. And this isn't a sudden thing, I find it so hard to explain :-( 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aislin Posted April 11, 2017 Author Share Posted April 11, 2017 I dont think I am a bad person, I have tried so hard to make it work and be the perfect wife but inside there is just nothing there, and it makes me feel indescribably lonely. I have always tried to do the right thing, there was a time when I could have had an affair and I really really liked the man in question but I didn't, I did the right thing and walked away Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aislin Posted April 11, 2017 Author Share Posted April 11, 2017 I realise I am talking to myself now but it is therapeutic lol. I just see pictures of couples who have been together way longer than we have and they appear so loved up and I see couples walking down the road holding hands and I am so jealous, I want to feel in love, I have really tried but the feelings just aren't there Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 11, 2017 Share Posted April 11, 2017 It's not wrong for you to want to experience romantic love. It's not wrong for you to be unhappy that you aren't. You're not wrong for not being able to make yourself feel anything for a person you were never attracted to. But it WAS wrong for you to choose to marry and have 4 kids with this man despite knowing all along that you weren't feeling it for him. What should you do now? I don't know, but you could start by acknowledging the part that you played in getting to where you are now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aislin Posted April 11, 2017 Author Share Posted April 11, 2017 You are right but when I got married I had no friends to talk to, no one to turn to, I was young and my parents would never have forgiven me if I had shamed the family by pulling out at the last moment. Once married I knew I had no choice but to make it work and I have tried very very hard for the last 16 years to do exactly this and be a proper wife to him. But it makes me feel lonely, I was just reaching out to see if anyone could understand this situation I find myself in. I guess not Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted April 11, 2017 Share Posted April 11, 2017 Well what are you doing to build the relationship with him? When was the last time you asked to get a sitter and just went out you and him? He. Doesn't have to take the lead does he? It sounds like there used to be something there and 4 kids means there has been romance at some point. You aren't starting from scratch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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