From low Sex drive to no sex drive after having a child

[MarriageRut]

Too long, won't read summary: early 30s couple, wife's libido and our sex life has slowed down, and after having a kid nonexistent

 

I've been unhappy with my marriage since the birth of our daughter. She was born in January, emergency c-section and she spent a few weeks in the nicu, but is now home and healthy.

 

Even during the pregnancy I started to feel unhappy, but looked past it because my wife was pregnant and figured it would pass. Since the pregnancy, our sex life has gone away. My wife never went through a second trimester horny period. We had sex maybe two or three times during the pregnancy and once post pregnancy.

 

Understandably my wife was hesitant at first after the doctor said it was okay to have sex. It didn't last long as it was too painful for her and we had to stop. Was I disappointed? Yes, but I understood and supported her. That was at least 3 weeks ago and no hint of intimacy since.

 

I help clean more at home, try to be sweet and cuddle up, randomly hug her and make her life easier. If not working I feed and change our daughter (wife is still on leave). But it's hard to want to cuddle up and be sweet when I get very little affection back.

 

Last night I tried to cuddle up to her while we watched a movie in bed, she wasn't too happy and snapped at me as I was too far on her side. She did move to the middle so we could cuddle, but I got put out of the mood to cuddle. She rested her hand on my chest and that was that.

 

I might not be as romantic as when we first started dating, but it is a two way street. It's hard to be romantic when I get no intimacy in return and I don't only mean sex. The week after we attempted sex I was very romantic and cuddly, it put me in a great mood, like a first time dating someone new, but as that lead to nothing else, that feeling went away a week or so later.

 

It feels like a friendship and not a relationship. I still love and care for her but I feel neglected.

 

Even before the pregnancy our sex life started to dwindling. At first it was great and 3 or 4 times a week. Then she took a night shift job, understandably it dwindled to a few times a month as she was always tired. She switched to day shift and it got a little bit better, but she was also on a new birth control and then a few months after that she got pregnant.

 

Even on a short vacation last summer (when we were ready to start trying) there was no sex. A couple nights we were in a shared cabin, that is understandable, but two nights we were in a hotel room together, just us. I even slept in (which she complains I never do, I'm an early riser, she isnt and has hinted at that that might lead to morning sex), and even that didn't get anything going. I would think that being on vacation and wanting to start trying for a kid would have gotten her interested in sex, but it didn't.

 

I'm just at a lost at what to do and how to bring up the subject. We are both in our early 30s and way too young to not be having sex. I've built excuses in my head that it's just reason X and it will pass, but once reason X passes, reason Y comes along. I just can't believe I'm in a sexless marriages. I'm still in shape and my wife still looks good and has lost most of her pregnancy weight, but I'm sure she is still self conscious some.

 

We have our first date night planned this Friday since our daughter came home, so I'm hoping that might get things back on track, but I have a grave feeling that by the time we get back, get the baby settled, my wife's going to be too tired to do anything.

 

She starts back to work next week, so I feel like I should maybe give her a month to get in a grove and see if things improve, and if not, have a talk with her.

 

What's the best way to bring this up with my wife? I'm not good at bringing things up things as I seem to always phrase it kind of bluntly so I'm looking for tips and advice on when and how to bring this up gently with my wife.

 

Also it doesn't help that I've developed a small crush on a new girl who has joined our main group of friends. I'm sure it will pass, but we do flirt a little bit, though I can be a flirt with a few female friends as that's just me. This girl is also well aware that I'm married and have a newborn. I would never act on this, but it doesn't help the situation. I know I shouldn't flirt back if I'm developing a crush on her, but I can't stop thinking about her and it makes me feel good to be having some fun and getting some female attention even if neither of us have ulterior motives. I'm sure some of you see this as border line emotionally cheating, it not emotionally cheating, but I can't help how I feel right now and that's why I'm seeking advice.

 

I know this is long, but thanks for any advice or at least stories of people who have gone through a similar situation

[ExpatInItaly]

Stop flirting with this other woman, immediately. You are headed down a slippery slope if you keep that up. Just stop. You don't get to play footsie with others when you're married, no matter how starved for affection and attention you are. I don't think anyone would fault you for craving more affection with your own wife, to be clear, but flirting in this way is opening a Pandora's Box of trouble.

 

It does indeed sound like there were problems before your wife became pregnant, though. Circumstances with night shifts and hormonal birth control and now a new baby have not lent themselves to romance and intimacy.

 

Perhaps your wife has noticed you flirting with this female friend. If so, you've solved a big part of the puzzle regarding her present reluctance to be intimate. Of course she will back away from you if she sees you giving your attention to another woman.

 

There might be a deeper problem with postpartum depression. Your baby is still very young and this is no doubt exhausting on its own, but there could be more serious emotional health issues compounding this. Have you asked her how she's been feeling, in general?

 

Also, how would you feel about seeing a marriage counselor? Adding a new baby to a marriage can be stressful for the strongest of couples, but when you're already on shaky ground, it can certainly magnify the pre-existing problems. A counselor might be able to identify what exactly the issues are and how to cope with them. Do you feel your wife would be open to this idea?

[Raena]

My doctor told us to wait at least 6 weeks after birth to have sex but it took me almost 3 months before sex was no longer painful. Did your dr give you some advice on that? I get that there may have been some issue before the baby but there is a good chance that she just isn't feeling very sexy these days and it could still be very painful for her. Birth control, odd work hours, stress, a new baby and healing are all very normal reasons to lose your libido for awhile.

 

Flirting with another woman is definitely the wrong thing to do. As someone else said, if your wife is aware of this (and trust me, women do pick these things up very easily) it could explain a lot of why she's pulled back from you.

 

Give her some space, don't demand sex, focus on helping her with the baby and getting some rest. I remember being so incredibly exhausted when my son was a baby that sex was the very last thing on my mind.

[NTV]

Do you and her go out on dates?

[basil67]

Sorry, my reply is going to sound harsh. But despite the fact that my children are almost adults, I still remember clearly the demands on my mind and body they made as babies.

 

When a mother has a new baby, her body ceases to be her own. All that personal space she once took for granted is now taken by a needy little human who needs to spend so much of his/her life attached to her for nurture and comfort. When your wife needed space on the bed, this wasn't about you. This was about her grasping at some personal space. Then when the guy wants sex, she's faced not only with a little human who wants her body All The Time, but also a grown man who's making a fuss about needing her body too. Quite simply, she's overwhelmed with the demands on her body. It's emotionally exhausting.

 

Oh, and the whole sleep deprivation thing does terrible things to a new mother's sex drive. And the pain of going back to sex. It took me around 6-8 months for the scar tissue from my stitches to properly heal and not cause me pain during sex.

 

All that stuff you're doing at home...the feeding, changing, help cleaning, cuddles and dates with your partner....well yes, you should be doing all that because you are husband and father. However, you seem to be doing it with a goal of getting a leg over. Sharing housework and child rearing duties are what should happen no matter whether or not you're getting sex. And it says little for your approach to marriage if you resent giving an exhausted mother cuddles or a date if you're not getting sex.

 

You can help how you are feeling now. Start by reworking your priorities here. At this point in time, she needs to do what she can to keep afloat. And you need to do what you can to support that. Even if it means allowing her some personal space, understanding that she's exhausted and time for her body to heal.

 

And now I'm going to kiss my husband because you've reminded me how supportive and loving he was during this time in our lives.

[Gemma1]

I feel like the OP made it clear that he is not just looking for sex, but affection also. I don't think he is JUST doing the housework and childcare because he wants sex. It sounds like he is doing it for a multitude of reasons, like every other normal person on the planet. It's not asking too much to want some affection from your partner. She may be a new mother, but she's still his wife. He is having to adapt to parenthood also. It doesn't take much to reassure your husband that you still desire him as a man and a partner, despite being tired/sore/body conscious/etc.

 

I've been through this all myself and I just don't have much sympathy for women who forsake their husbands at the alter of children. (NOT saying you did this, Basil, this is not directed at you. I'm sure that despite not being able to have sex, you did not make your husband feel rejected as the OP's wife is doing now). Also, it's clear that the OP's wife was starting to make him feel neglected before the baby, so I really don't think this can all be chalked up to new motherhood.

 

The OP didn't mention any complications with childbirth, such as major tears that would interfere with sex, so I'm going to assume there weren't any. Sex could still be painful after three months, but she could still show him affection (sexual and non sexual) to reassure him that things will get better. There are other things you can do besides sex.

 

If she's still having pain after another month or so, I would make sure she discusses it with her doctor. She has to understand that this is a real problem. You guys are young and despite what people say, healthy babies should not be this much of a roadblock for happy couples. I think SHE is the one who needs to seriously rethink her priorities. Marriages shouldn't be it for tat "do childcare to get sex" but they are partnerships in which each person should be taking care of the other's needs as best they can. She just isn't making yours a priority.

 

EDIT - just realized I didn't address your main question, OP. I think you should be honest, but gentle. Sit her down and say, "Wife, I love you, and I know we've gone through some major changes lately and you're doing an amazing job. But I'm also feeling a little insecure about my place in our relationship and I really need you to help me. I will support you in every way that I can, but I need reassurance that you still want me as a partner and feel affection for me as a husband. I know that our daughter demands so much of you and your body, and I don't want to be just another person making demands of it too, so I'm not just talking about sex. I just need more affection from you. I want us to please put each other first, not just because I love you, but because that is how we will be the best parents we can be."

 

Something like that?

Edited April 10, 2017 by Gemma1

[Johnsmith1003]

Lol get use to it. 3 months? Kid turning 4 this year and still sex is nonexistent. And we're mid 20s

[Mr. Lucky]

All that stuff you're doing at home...the feeding, changing, help cleaning, cuddles and dates with your partner....well yes, you should be doing all that because you are husband and father. However, you seem to be doing it with a goal of getting a leg over. Sharing housework and child rearing duties are what should happen no matter whether or not you're getting sex. And it says little for your approach to marriage if you resent giving an exhausted mother cuddles or a date if you're not getting sex.

 

Harsh but true. My youngest now 18 but at one time had two kids 363 days apart. I remember doing a lot of "dancing with myself" in between the very occasional HJ/BJ. My wife only wanted her legs and feet rubbed, said it was better than sex. You've both had a child, that means sacrifices all around. As with most things, this too will eventually pass.

 

Which means you'll some day have to face the remaining sexual issues in your marriage as a couple. For now, have to put those thoughts on the back burner...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

Lol get use to it. 3 months? Kid turning 4 this year and still sex is nonexistent. And we're mid 20s

 

I would be checking phone records if I were you.

 

Op, a few months after baby is born is normal. If it's still like this at 6 months then I'd worry. Focus on making sure you both get enough sleep is the biggest thing with a new baby.

[MarriageRut]

Thanks for replies

 

She had a c section, had to give birth early and baby wasnt in right position.

 

Things I'm doing at home is NOT just to get sex or have a leg up. I want to help my wife because I lover her and our daughter. I just want some affection back. When she snapped at me when I tried to cuddle up in bed. How would that make you feel? Made me feel like ****.

 

I brought up all I do to show that I'm supportive and helping out. When I Google around a lot of posts talked about being supportive with chores and that not helping out might be causing issues.

 

We will be going on our first babyless date Friday. Hoping it turns things around some.

 

I am open to counseling but would like to try on our own first.

 

I know a baby changes things, but I'm also afraid this is a pattern that has been going on since before we got pregnant

[Mr. Lucky]

I know a baby changes things, but I'm also afraid this is a pattern that has been going on since before we got pregnant

 

Might be true but doesn't address the question of timing. Right now, when she's dealing with the dual challenges of recovering from surgery and first-time child rearing, isn't the time to work on the problem.

 

Support her, enjoy bonding with your child and bide your time. The issue will eventually bubble back up to the top...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

Your kid is what ??? 6-8 weeks old?

 

Stop being selfish. The attention isn't on you right now. so what.

 

Think an affair will help? Think again.

[standtall]

Well dude you gotta give it more time...say 6 month or so, then re-evaluate. It is troubling that she was slowing down before the baby. If things don't improve after that, then it is time for counseling...if it improves a little and then goes back to no sex, I would divorce...she is not honoring her marriage vows at that point...end of story.

[Gemma1]

Your kid is what ??? 6-8 weeks old?

 

Stop being selfish. The attention isn't on you right now. so what.

 

Think an affair will help? Think again.

 

That's pretty ridiculous given the information provided. The baby is 3 months old, and they have had sex four times in the last year. And she was starting to make excuses for not having sex before pregnancy. This does not look good and it seems to have little to do with the baby.

 

It is possible to refrain from sex due to pregnancy and childbirth and yet still reassure your partner, show them affection, and be a loving spouse. It sounds like she is doing none of those things, and it is not selfish of him to want to fix the situation.

 

I don't think these incendiary comments help anyone.

[BettyDraper]

I've read that a couple's relationship satisfaction takes a huge dip after a baby is born.

Women understandably lose interest in sex because of the demands of pregnancy, childbirth and caring for a baby. Those are some of the reasons my husband and I are childfree. Since you were already having sexual issues before your daughter was born, I'm not sure why you are surprised that having a baby has temporarily ruined your sex life.

 

I think that so many couples struggle after having a child because they don't think of the challenges that come with being a new parent. They think it's going to be easy and so wonderful to have a little one in their lives. Obviously there are benefits to having kids but people rarely consider the difficulties.

[basil67]

The baby is 3 months old, and they have had sex four times in the last year. And she was starting to make excuses for not having sex before pregnancy. This does not look good and it seems to have little to do with the baby.

 

The problem may have been in existence before the baby came along. But now is not the time to fix the problem. It must wait until after she starts to regain her sense of self.

[Simple Logic]

Too long, won't read summary: early 30s couple, wife's libido and our sex life has slowed down and after having a kid nonexistent

 

I've been unhappy with my marriage since the birth of our daughter who was born in January

 

Even during the pregnancy I started to feel unhappy, but looked past it because my wife was pregnant and figured it would pass. Since then, our sex life has gone away. She never had a second trimester horny period. We had sex two or three times during pregnancy and once since .

 

Understandably my wife was hesitant about sex. It didn't last long, it was too painful for her and we had to stop. Was I disappointed? Yes, but I understood and supported her. That was at least 3 weeks ago and no hint of intimacy since.

 

I help clean at home, try to be sweet and cuddle, randomly hug her and make her life easier. If not working I feed and change our daughter (wife is still on leave). But it's hard to want to cuddle up and be sweet when I get very little affection back.

 

Saturday, I tried to cuddle while we watched a movie in bed, she wasn't too happy and snapped at me as I was too far on her side. She did move to the middle so we could cuddle, but it put me out if of the mood to cuddle. She rested her hand on my chest and that was that.

 

I might not be as romantic as when we first started dating, but it is a two way street. It's hard to be romantic when I get no intimacy in return and I don't only mean sex. The week after we attempted sex I was very romantic and cuddly, it put me in a great mood, like a first time dating someone new, but as that lead to nothing else, that feeling went away.

 

It feels like a friendship and not a relationship. I still love and care for her but I feel neglected.

Even before the pregnancy our sex life started to dwindling. At first it was great and 3 or 4 times a week. Then she took a night shift job, understandably it dwindled to a few times a month as she was always tired. She switched to day shift and it got a little bit better, but she was also on a new birth control and then a few months after that she got pregnant.

 

Even on a short vacation last summer (when we were ready to start trying) there was no sex. A couple nights we were in a shared cabin, that is understandable, but two nights we were in a hotel room together, just us. I even slept in (which she complains I never do, I'm an early riser, she isnt and has hinted at that that might lead to morning sex), and that didn't get anything going. I would think that being on vacation and wanting to start trying for a kid would have gotten her interested in sex, but it didn't.

 

Im just at a lost at what to do and how to bring up the subject. We are both in our early 30s and way too young to not be having sex. I've built excuses in my head that it's just reason X and it will pass, but once reason X passes, reason Y comes along. I just can't believe I'm in a sexless marriages. I'm still in shape and my wife still looks good and has lost most of her pregnancy weight, but I'm sure she is still self conscious some.

 

We have our first date night planned this Friday since our daughter came home, I'm hoping that might get things back on track, but I have a grave feeling that by the time we get back, get the baby settled, my wife's going to be too tired to do anything.

 

She starts back to work next week, so I feel like I should maybe give her a month to get in a grove and see if things improve

What's the best way to bring this up with my wife? I'm not good at bringing things up as I seem to phrase it kind of bluntly so I'm looking for tips and advice on when and how to bring this up gently with my wife.

 

Also it doesn't help that I've developed a small crush on a new girl who has joined our main group of friends. I'm sure it will pass, but we do flirt a little bit; I'm a bit of a flirt with some friends normally . This girl knows I'm married and have a newborn. I would never act on this, but it doesn't help the situation. I know I shouldn't flirt if I'm developing a crush, but I can't stop thinking about her and it makes me feel good to be having some fun and getting some female attention even if neither of us have ulterior motives. I'm sure some of you see this as border line emotionally cheating, it not emotionally cheating, but I can't help how I feel right now and that's why I'm seeking advice.

 

I know this is long, but thanks for any advice or at least stories of people who have gone through a similar situation

 

While some may lay the selfish pig logo on you, you need to discuss this with your wife sooner rather than later. The longer you accept this, the more normal it will seem to her. If you don't have a frank discussion and some change, you are headed toward divorce.

[somanymistakes]

The lack of sex might be a serious problem in the marriage BUT shortly after the birth of a child, particularly if there was pain and distress involved, is not a good time to push it. Even if absolutely nothing went wrong and she really wanted to have sex all the time it would likely be painful and miserable right now!

 

The week after we attempted sex I was very romantic and cuddly, it put me in a great mood, like a first time dating someone new, but as that lead to nothing else, that feeling went away.

 

What you definitely don't want to happen is for your wife to get the idea that all affection and cuddling on your part is JUST an attempt to get her to sleep with you.

 

Now is probably not a good time for much in the way of sex but it's critical that you can maintain a physical and affectionate bond, just as it's critical to build one with your new baby.

[Gemma1]

The problem may have been in existence before the baby came along. But now is not the time to fix the problem. It must wait until after she starts to regain her sense of self.

 

I can see your point but unfortunately this is one of those things that if let go, can turn into a pattern that's hard to break. I gather from his posts that it's not just sex she's denying him, but basic affection and a sense of partnership. I could be wrong there but that's what I gather. If that's true, I don't think it's something he should let go. I think letting that go, even for a day or two, is bad news for a marriage. It's so easy to take our partners for granted and when we do that, everything just slowly erodes away.

 

Think about how many people have been sexless for years and come here and complain...and what is often said? "Why have you put up with this for so long?!" You can ALWAYS come up with a reason why now is not a good time to bring it up. I think the best time to address an issue is when it starts. Granted, it started before the baby and he should've addressed it then. But it might not be too late now. And I certainly don't think a topic as important as intimacy in a marriage should have to be put on hold because a woman had a baby three months ago. LOTS of women have babies. It's not like she has some debilitating disease. Even if she really can't have sex right now, she should be able to listen to his concerns and reassure him.

 

Childbirth is hard. Newborns are hard. But women aren't snowflakes. We are meant to handle this and we can, while also not making our husbands feel rejected (whether we can actually have sex with them or not). It is doable, I just don't think she's making an effort.

[Gemma1]

 

 

 

What you definitely don't want to happen is for your wife to get the idea that all affection and cuddling on your part is JUST an attempt to get her to sleep with you.

 

Now is probably not a good time for much in the way of sex but it's critical that you can maintain a physical and affectionate bond, just as it's critical to build one with your new baby.

This is super important. If you are especially affectionate with her and then it doesn't lead to sex, and then your behavior changes when you don't get it, she WILL notice and you can kiss your sex life goodbye (possibly permanently). There is nothing more unattractive than a man who clearly only shows affection because he wants sex. I know you said you aren't just doing it for sex, and I've been giving you the benefit of the doubt in my posts here so I just want to reiterate this point. And my point in my posts to you has not been that she owes you sex specifically, but affection and nonsexual intimacy in order to maintain a healthy relationship until sex is physically an option.

Edited April 11, 2017 by Gemma1

[Telemachus]

Your daughter is only three months old. Life has changed. As I look at the milestones in my life, there are only two that really stand out, and one of them is being a parent. There was life before children and now life with children. This may not be much of a change for you, but it may be far more significant for your wife.

 

Life-changing events aside, ask her if she wants more children. You aren't going to have a second without sex, and in your early 30's you can't wait ten years. If she doesn't want more children, tell her that you liked the sex life you shared when you were newlyweds and ask if she wants that also.

 

As to your roving eye, married and with a three-month-old at home, be a decent man, husband, and father. If you're a decent human being, it isn't even worth considering. You did exchange vows, didn't you? Not feeling like having sex with you is no justification for what you're considering. Leave infidelity out of the equation all together, unless that's the kind of man you want to be.

[minimariah]

to be honest - your story sounds familiar; i don't think you were ready to be a father & your probably didn't think it all the way through. having a child is stressful and during the baby's 1st year - parents have very little time for each other. it seems like you don't really help your wife around the baby either - it's just a responsibility you weren't ready for.

 

i'd suggest communication IMMEDIATELY because you're ripped for an A. don't underestimate your own weakness and wish to get away because it does seem as if you're lowkey hoping for an excuse to look outside of your marriage. you don't seem like someone who fights tooth and nail for his marriage or like a dedicated husband, even though you do seek advice for your situation.

 

so - immediate communication, tell her everything and come up with a conscious plan to preserve your intimacy. organise better and help around the baby more.

[MarriageRut]

The affection is definitely not only for sex, granted having a high libido I could almost go at anytime.

 

I usually don't try to initiate when cuddling or giving her a random hug. I tried to cuddle as I fell asleep last night, but a dog was in the way. I told the dog he was going to have to move as I wanted to cuddle, her response was don't worry about it as she'll be pumping in a little while anyway.

 

Now this doesn't always happen, not always turned down, but we had busy days yesterday and it was really the first time where we could cuddle up. Wanted to do it earlier but she was on her computer. Now I can be guilty of too much electronics too at times, but I would have liked a few minutes of cuddling as I fell asleep before she started to pump

[wmacbride]

The affection is definitely not only for sex, granted having a high libido I could almost go at anytime.

 

I usually don't try to initiate when cuddling or giving her a random hug. I tried to cuddle as I fell asleep last night, but a dog was in the way. I told the dog he was going to have to move as I wanted to cuddle, her response was don't worry about it as she'll be pumping in a little while anyway.

 

Now this doesn't always happen, not always turned down, but we had busy days yesterday and it was really the first time where we could cuddle up. Wanted to do it earlier but she was on her computer. Now I can be guilty of too much electronics too at times, but I would have liked a few minutes of cuddling as I fell asleep before she started to pump

 

Have you had an opportunity to sit with your wife and explain to her, in frank terms, that you miss her, because that's what it sounds like to me.

 

Does she understand that your desire for physical affection ( touch, but that doesn't have to mean sex right now) is because you love her and miss her?

 

I've been the c-section mom myself, and recovery is draining, especially if there was extra worry. Then there's the hormones, she's nursing and likely exhausted. Right now, she needs your support and love, and to her,that might mean through helping out as often as you can. Just like she needs to know you love her, you need to know she loves you. Explain to her that even snuggling up at night, holding hands, other physical signs of affection will show you that.

 

About thinking of an affair. Please don't. Your little one is still so tiny, and needs you. Those days go by so fast, and then they are gone. you'll blink and she'll be walking across the at her college graduation.

 

Don't marr these early days with an affair.

[basil67]

I can see your point but unfortunately this is one of those things that if let go, can turn into a pattern that's hard to break. I gather from his posts that it's not just sex she's denying him, but basic affection and a sense of partnership. I could be wrong there but that's what I gather. If that's true, I don't think it's something he should let go. I think letting that go, even for a day or two, is bad news for a marriage. It's so easy to take our partners for granted and when we do that, everything just slowly erodes away.

 

Ok so if we're addressing the whole thing of lost affection I would highly suggest the book "Where Has My Libido Gone" by Dr Rosie King. Generally speaking, problems inside the bedroom are related to problems outside the bedroom. She needs to get to the crux of why she's not feeling affection for him. Again though, she needs to get back to being her normal self first.

 

Childbirth is hard. Newborns are hard. But women aren't snowflakes. We are meant to handle this and we can, while also not making our husbands feel rejected (whether we can actually have sex with them or not). It is doable, I just don't think she's making an effort.

 

You've experienced being a new mother? I didn't realise that you had kids.