From low Sex drive to no sex drive after having a child

[Gemma1]

Ok so if we're addressing the whole thing of lost affection I would highly suggest the book "Where Has My Libido Gone" by Dr Rosie King. Generally speaking, problems inside the bedroom are related to problems outside the bedroom. She needs to get to the crux of why she's not feeling affection for him. Again though, she needs to get back to being her normal self first.

 

 

 

You've experienced being a new mother? I didn't realise that you had kids.

I'm in total agreement with you here. And yes I have a little boy.

[aileD]

The affection is definitely not only for sex, granted having a high libido I could almost go at anytime.

 

I usually don't try to initiate when cuddling or giving her a random hug. I tried to cuddle as I fell asleep last night, but a dog was in the way. I told the dog he was going to have to move as I wanted to cuddle, her response was don't worry about it as she'll be pumping in a little while anyway.

 

Now this doesn't always happen, not always turned down, but we had busy days yesterday and it was really the first time where we could cuddle up. Wanted to do it earlier but she was on her computer. Now I can be guilty of too much electronics too at times, but I would have liked a few minutes of cuddling as I fell asleep before she started to pump

 

 

No offense to you, but maybe she just needs a break from being needed and touched and having someone clinging to her body and boobs for 24 hours straight. It's probably a relief when the baby goes down to sleep and she gets to be "free" and then you want to cuddle and it's just replacing one human on top of her for another and she's probably claustrophobic and just wants to not be touched for a little bit.

 

It's not you. It is how it is. Her body is healing, pumping IS NOT PLEASANT, etc.

 

Instead of "cuddling" why don't you try giving her a massage or caressing her back? My husband is next to me asleep now and between typing I'm just caressing my hand across his back--it's how he falls asleep.

 

As many said, it does need to be addressed but now isn't the time. Babies change things. They just do.

[aileD]

Oh and if you have an affair and divorce while your baby is this young, that baby is going to be closer to their stepfather than you because they won't have a memory of you being with their mom.

[MarriageRut]

Jesus Christ, I'm not going to have an affair. I'm not that dumb (even extra dumb given she hangs out in our group of friends). Flirting doesn't mean I want to cheat. I have tone down the contact with my friend and I hope the crush will pass some. It feels like it has as the days pass. Also if I was going to cheat, I don't think I'd mention that I had been flirting.

 

Haven't brought it up my feelings yet. Waiting to see how Friday goes first (and no sex does not mean it was a "failure")

 

I get she's tired, but she was more tired on night shift. Thankfully our daughter is a great sleeper and I do the 3 am feeds to help. I'm also exhausted, I'm going to work and waking up in the middle of the night too. My daughter is the most important thing to me like it is my wife, but I still try to be a husband and my wife needs to still try and be a wife. Even if its just a night or two a week. There have been nights where I could go watch basketball in the basement and unwind with a beer and come up stairs and gone to bed, but I've chosen to sacrifice things like that so I can try and spend some time with my wife

 

I get pregnancy and c-section can take a lot out of the body, but it was the first week in January, my wife has been cleared for almost 8 weeks. This wouldn't be as concerning if it didn't seem my wife's libido has been dropping over the last few years. Had she had a normal horny second trimester or we were still having sex 2 or 3 times a week pre pregnancy, I wouldn't be as concerned. But first it was night shift, then when she got on day shift it was a new type of birth control, then she got pregnant but no jump in libido, and now it's postpartum and libido has gone down with each event (though there was a slight bump when she got back to day shift, but lower than pre night shift). Even on vacation, when she was on day shift and we were ready to start trying, she showed little interest in intimacy

 

It's the downward trend that worries me more and that she's doesn't seem to be taking time, even a day or two for a few hours a week to be a wife. I'm hoping and praying that Friday will start to get us back on the right track. If not, I'm going to have to bring up my concerns to her

[BluesPower]

Ok, I get everything that everyone is saying...

 

I totally understand how much time and energy children take, I have 3 and my youngest did not sleep through the night for 2 years. At 6 months he could crawl out of his crib, I am not kidding. At 9 months he could run.

 

But OP and to all you ladies. A marriage cannot just be about the children and a couple cannot lose site that sex is the most powerful bonding activity that a couple can have.

 

Of course he needs to help as much as he can with the baby, but she cannot lose site of the fact that she still has a husband that needs attention.

 

Sometimes I feel like some of the women in the world act like sex with their husband is some type of special secret birthday present. So if he is a good boy, and he does everything right, he might get a little missionary for a few minutes if he is lucky.

 

That is not how it works. Men need to be desired and chased just like women do. And yes they need sex just like a woman should.

 

OP, you need to find a good time when all the distractions are out of the way, baby asleep, dishes out of the way (hopefully you did them), no TV, no phones, no distractions. And you need to talk to her calmly and openly about how you feel. You need to explain that her lack of desire makes you feel bad, and that you love her and you also want to have a meaningful fulfilling sex life with her.

 

Be open to how she feels and try to understand what you can do to help. But, she needs to understand that this is a really big issue that has to be fixed...

[wmacbride]

Jesus Christ, I'm not going to have an affair. I'm not that dumb (even extra dumb given she hangs out in our group of friends). Flirting doesn't mean I want to cheat. I have tone down the contact with my friend and I hope the crush will pass some. It feels like it has as the days pass. Also if I was going to cheat, I don't think I'd mention that I had been flirting.

 

Haven't brought it up my feelings yet. Waiting to see how Friday goes first (and no sex does not mean it was a "failure")

 

I get she's tired, but she was more tired on night shift. Thankfully our daughter is a great sleeper and I do the 3 am feeds to help. I'm also exhausted, I'm going to work and waking up in the middle of the night too. My daughter is the most important thing to me like it is my wife, but I still try to be a husband and my wife needs to still try and be a wife. Even if its just a night or two a week. There have been nights where I could go watch basketball in the basement and unwind with a beer and come up stairs and gone to bed, but I've chosen to sacrifice things like that so I can try and spend some time with my wife

 

I get pregnancy and c-section can take a lot out of the body, but it was the first week in January, my wife has been cleared for almost 8 weeks. This wouldn't be as concerning if it didn't seem my wife's libido has been dropping over the last few years. Had she had a normal horny second trimester or we were still having sex 2 or 3 times a week pre pregnancy, I wouldn't be as concerned. But first it was night shift, then when she got on day shift it was a new type of birth control, then she got pregnant but no jump in libido, and now it's postpartum and libido has gone down with each event (though there was a slight bump when she got back to day shift, but lower than pre night shift). Even on vacation, when she was on day shift and we were ready to start trying, she showed little interest in intimacy

 

It's the downward trend that worries me more and that she's doesn't seem to be taking time, even a day or two for a few hours a week to be a wife. I'm hoping and praying that Friday will start to get us back on the right track. If not, I'm going to have to bring up my concerns to her

 

Please do. Your feelings matter. She can't read your mind, and having a frank discussion might help. It doesn't sound like she's purposely trying to hurt you, and if she knows this, it might help create a change.

 

I've been a new mom myself, and I can assure that even if a doctor gives the green light for sex, that doesn't mean a woman is ready. It sounds like she had a really stressful time when your child was born, she she's still healing physically and mentally. There's a good chance that experience has affected her deeply.

 

That doesn't mean that you can't still be physically close. When you're out, hold her hand, if you go to a show, put your arm around her, be silly with each other and have fun. If there was a hobby you used to do together before the baby came, do it again. If that means the dishes have to wait, they have to wait.

 

Having a child is a huge adjustment, and you'll both have to find your way. Your kids get older, you get to sleep more, and the exhaustion fades.

[BettyDraper]

to be honest - your story sounds familiar; i don't think you were ready to be a father & your probably didn't think it all the way through. having a child is stressful and during the baby's 1st year - parents have very little time for each other. it seems like you don't really help your wife around the baby either - it's just a responsibility you weren't ready for.

 

i'd suggest communication IMMEDIATELY because you're ripped for an A. don't underestimate your own weakness and wish to get away because it does seem as if you're lowkey hoping for an excuse to look outside of your marriage. you don't seem like someone who fights tooth and nail for his marriage or like a dedicated husband, even though you do seek advice for your situation.

 

so - immediate communication, tell her everything and come up with a conscious plan to preserve your intimacy. organise better and help around the baby more.

 

 

This. People idealize parenting so much that they suffer greatly when the realities hit them.

Children are wonderful but they also bring a lot of new responsibilities and challenges.

 

I thought the OP mentioned helping with the baby often.

[Overtaxed]

I've read that a couple's relationship satisfaction takes a huge dip after a baby is born.

Women understandably lose interest in sex because of the demands of pregnancy, childbirth and caring for a baby. Those are some of the reasons my husband and I are childfree. Since you were already having sexual issues before your daughter was born, I'm not sure why you are surprised that having a baby has temporarily ruined your sex life.

 

I think that so many couples struggle after having a child because they don't think of the challenges that come with being a new parent. They think it's going to be easy and so wonderful to have a little one in their lives. Obviously there are benefits to having kids but people rarely consider the difficulties.

 

Same here Betty; the stories from men about having children like the OP's scared me off completely.

 

To the OP, what you're seeing/experiencing is, unfortunately, normal. For some of my friends, the sexy time did come back, for some it really never did. This is the reality of having children; you're sex life will never be the same (not to say it won't be good, it could be very good, some people do pull that off, it's just an exception).

 

Now for the part that's going to get me flamed. Women, sex to men is like air, it's the most important thing in a marriage. I know kids tire you out (as they do to us as well), and I know that you might not be feeling exactly sexy after a day of childcare; but, you have to make time for it. The concept of no sex for 6 months (PP) is just beyond reason to me, I haven't had a 6 month "no sex" spell since I was 17 years old. And that's a "normal" period of time, sometimes this goes on for years (or forever). Sex is as important to your man as everything that he does for you is to you. Having a good job, taking care of the house, mowing the lawn, playing with the kids.. All of it is wrapped up in one thing for most men; sex. Take that away, and the analogy would be a man who doesn't work, lays on the couch all day playing video games, weighs 400lbs and doesn't bathe, and is verbally abusive to boot. That's what a "no sex" marriage looks like to a man.

 

Last thing, it doesn't have to be "sex-sex". A BJ or HJ would be just as good for most men at least during the dry spell following childbirth.

 

It literally takes 5-20 minutes and stands a very good chance of keeping your marriage/family together. Even if your man will "tough it out" for months on end, no sex for that period of time builds an incredible amount of resentment and lack of intimacy. You don't want to overcome that hurdle every day just so you can avoid a few minutes of time that's supposed to be mutually enjoyable.

[HereNorThere]

Meh. Sex to some men and some women for that matter is like air. To me, the only thing that's like air is air. My personal opinion is that if you're on an online forum talking about trading your wife in for a younger one after she had a child 3 months ago, she's not the one who is broken.

 

It sounds like you didn't read the brochure before you decided to pull the trigger on marriage and kids. Funny because lack of sex after getting married is literally the butt of the joke on most sitcoms. I'm not sure how this is a surprise to you.

 

The paradox is that the longer she feels like you're trying to make her do something she doesn't want to do, the more she's not going to want to do it. It's a typical "distancer-pursuer" relationship. High libido partners can be extremely annoying especially when they aren't being understanding about your situation. This will cause a partner to retreat even further away until you leave them alone. Anecdotally, I haven't met too many people "high libido" people that didn't have some other issues going on upstairs. The majority of ones I've had a relationship with usually had some underlying impulse control issues like adhd. Most of my guy friends that have a high libido have one because they have become addicted to Internet porn. They're constantly ramping up the system with videos and images and then wonder why women don't live up to their sexpectations.

 

3 months? You should be basking in the warm glow of having a new child just like she is. The fact that you're on here talking about sacrificing your child's happy home for a younger piece of a$$ (which btw will get older and then you'll have to trade her in again) makes me suspect that you have a bigger problem than she does. Maybe you should lay of the porn, go "nofap" for a month or so and see where you're at. If you read around the forums, you'll find most guys settle down once they lay off the porn and jerk off material for a while.

Edited April 16, 2017 by HereNorThere

[BettyDraper]

Same here Betty; the stories from men about having children like the OP's scared me off completely.

 

To the OP, what you're seeing/experiencing is, unfortunately, normal. For some of my friends, the sexy time did come back, for some it really never did. This is the reality of having children; you're sex life will never be the same (not to say it won't be good, it could be very good, some people do pull that off, it's just an exception).

 

Now for the part that's going to get me flamed. Women, sex to men is like air, it's the most important thing in a marriage. I know kids tire you out (as they do to us as well), and I know that you might not be feeling exactly sexy after a day of childcare; but, you have to make time for it. The concept of no sex for 6 months (PP) is just beyond reason to me, I haven't had a 6 month "no sex" spell since I was 17 years old. And that's a "normal" period of time, sometimes this goes on for years (or forever). Sex is as important to your man as everything that he does for you is to you. Having a good job, taking care of the house, mowing the lawn, playing with the kids.. All of it is wrapped up in one thing for most men; sex. Take that away, and the analogy would be a man who doesn't work, lays on the couch all day playing video games, weighs 400lbs and doesn't bathe, and is verbally abusive to boot. That's what a "no sex" marriage looks like to a man.

 

Last thing, it doesn't have to be "sex-sex". A BJ or HJ would be just as good for most men at least during the dry spell following childbirth.

 

It literally takes 5-20 minutes and stands a very good chance of keeping your marriage/family together. Even if your man will "tough it out" for months on end, no sex for that period of time builds an incredible amount of resentment and lack of intimacy. You don't want to overcome that hurdle every day just so you can avoid a few minutes of time that's supposed to be mutually enjoyable.

 

It's sad how something as wondrous as becoming a parent can tear a couple apart in other ways. I've always heard that becoming parents strengthens a marriage, yet mothers and fathers have told me that their marriages were much better before they had children.

 

It's normal for a husband to want sex but I believe that there is an adjustment period when there's a baby in the house. I feel for the OP but it looks like all he can do is be patient. 3 months isn't a long time.

 

OP, how was your date?

[Gemma1]

It's sad how something as wondrous as becoming a parent can tear a couple apart in other ways. I've always heard that becoming parents strengthens a marriage, yet mothers and fathers have told me that their marriages were much better before they had children.

 

It's normal for a husband to want sex but I believe that there is an adjustment period when there's a baby in the house. I feel for the OP but it looks like all he can do is be patient. 3 months isn't a long time.

 

OP, how was your date?

BettyDraper and Overtaxed -

 

I think in some ways, having kids does strengthen a marriage. After all, marriages with children statistically have lower divorce rates than marriages without. However that doesn't mean the marriages are necessarily happier, just less likely to divorce. So take from that what you will.

 

It IS possible for a newborn to not affect your relationship too much. You just have to find someone who really understands the difficulties you are about to face and chooses to make the marriage a priority over the children (provided that the children's basic necessities are taken care of, obviously).

 

That's why I dont relate to the people on this thread demonizing the OP for wanting to restore intimacy in his marriage. This was going on before the baby and is a serious problem for marriages. Just because it is "normal" does NOT mean that it's ok. Should we accept everything that is normal? Divorce and crappy marriages are also very normal. We should be working to overcome normal, not settling for it!

 

When I first had my baby, I couldn't put him down for the first few weeks without him crying. He was basically still part of my body even after giving birth. So I get it, I really do. I just don't think it's an acceptable excuse for what a lot of women do to their husbands after children.

 

Now, of course this is all assuming the man is doing his part. I had an excellent partner in parenthood. Our first few weeks of parenthood were spent vegging out on the couch crushing some great shows and movies while my H brought me food on TV trays and my baby slept on my chest. We were basically a 3 person cuddle puddle those first weeks and it was great. And I made sure my H new he was appreciated even when I didn't feel like it.

 

It's easy to let the threads on here make you feel gloom and doom about children, but it's not like that for everyone. And the fundamental difference between happy marriages and unhappy ones is the same regardless of children - prioritize your marriage! :-)

Edited April 16, 2017 by Gemma1

[HereNorThere]

Wow, have you even read any of the OP's subsequent posts?

 

I don't think it's even worth fully responding to this so I'm just going to implore OP to ignore posts which are not relevant to his situation and just focus on the advice that applies to him so as not to derail the conversation.

 

Ugh, I went back and read the thread again thinking I missed something. I'll never get that time back.

 

The great thing about posting is that you can hear a different perspective than your own. It helps you gain insight into someone else's actions, motivations, and behaviors without bombarding your partner with questions they may not know the answer to or want to answer. While crowdsourcing your problems online isn't an exact science, there's a lot of wisdom to be gained from the awesome posters that hang around here.

 

Both sides are being represented on this thread and that's a great thing. Both perspectives are equally valid and realistically, OP wouldn't gain much perspective if he was simply being parroted back his own talking points. The onus is on each OP to find the signal in the noise and decide which viewpoints apply to his situation and which ones one don't. I simply cannot give advice from OP's viewpoint because I relate with the distancer side of the distancer-pursuer relationship. I can tell you - nothing killed my libido faster than feeling "bugged" about having sex. I also know I'm not alone in this perspective. If my advice is irrelevant, I gladly give refunds for exactly how much I was paid for it.

Edited April 16, 2017 by HereNorThere

[Gemma1]

Both sides are being represented, all right, and that's fine. However, your comments about high libido men being annoying and often 'not right upstairs', and that the OP is considering trading his wife in for another woman are just unhelpful and rude and I'm not going to bother pointing out why. You are free to your opinion of course, and I won't derail the thread further.

[wmacbride]

Same here Betty; the stories from men about having children like the OP's scared me off completely.

 

To the OP, what you're seeing/experiencing is, unfortunately, normal. For some of my friends, the sexy time did come back, for some it really never did. This is the reality of having children; you're sex life will never be the same (not to say it won't be good, it could be very good, some people do pull that off, it's just an exception).

 

Now for the part that's going to get me flamed. Women, sex to men is like air, it's the most important thing in a marriage. I know kids tire you out (as they do to us as well), and I know that you might not be feeling exactly sexy after a day of childcare; but, you have to make time for it. The concept of no sex for 6 months (PP) is just beyond reason to me, I haven't had a 6 month "no sex" spell since I was 17 years old. And that's a "normal" period of time, sometimes this goes on for years (or forever). Sex is as important to your man as everything that he does for you is to you. Having a good job, taking care of the house, mowing the lawn, playing with the kids.. All of it is wrapped up in one thing for most men; sex. Take that away, and the analogy would be a man who doesn't work, lays on the couch all day playing video games, weighs 400lbs and doesn't bathe, and is verbally abusive to boot. That's what a "no sex" marriage looks like to a man.

 

Last thing, it doesn't have to be "sex-sex". A BJ or HJ would be just as good for most men at least during the dry spell following childbirth.

 

It literally takes 5-20 minutes and stands a very good chance of keeping your marriage/family together. Even if your man will "tough it out" for months on end, no sex for that period of time builds an incredible amount of resentment and lack of intimacy. You don't want to overcome that hurdle every day just so you can avoid a few minutes of time that's supposed to be mutually enjoyable.

 

I can't say I disagree with you, but this really is a situation where you can't understand it unless you have been there.

 

I think it might be different for men. Women traditionally do the bulk of the child care duties ( although that is changing), and this is often after having major surgery (c-section). If the labour was prolonged and stressful, a woman has to also cope with that.

 

It's tough on the body, especially for a first child.

 

Add to that the fact that the op's baby was born early and likely spent time in the hospital, and the mom is likely stressed out, scared, and in need of physical closeness without the pressure to perform sexually. Even if the doctor said the baby is okay, there is still that fear, and it can't take a long time to adjust.

 

I'm not saying the op should feel bad for wanting sex and physical closeness at all. After all, he's also been through an incredibly difficult time. He's probably tired, emotionally worn by the difficult birth and finding his way as a new dad.

 

I would caution the o though about reading too much into anyone who claims that because they recovered quickly after having a baby, that all women can. Each women is different, and has her own schedule of recovery. Both the op and his wife are navigating their way through raising this new little human being who is completely dependent on the for everything. That's enough to overwhelm anyone, but give some time and understanding on both their parts, things should improve.

[wmacbride]

I don't know about the idea of putting your spouse first before your baby, so long as the baby is fed and changed, etc.

 

That was not an option for us, but here we are, 20 years later, happily married and having sex. Mind you,taht was our situatin, and each new family has to find its own way.

 

btw, here's a video a young couple going through the exact same thing...it's an oldie but a goodie:laugh:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JusbrsBKLWU&index=21&list=PLFzgGepsLw4ofhJRud6sor1hkU8vLy34S

[Overtaxed]

I can't say I disagree with you, but this really is a situation where you can't understand it unless you have been there.

 

I think it might be different for men. Women traditionally do the bulk of the child care duties ( although that is changing), and this is often after having major surgery (c-section). If the labour was prolonged and stressful, a woman has to also cope with that.

 

It's tough on the body, especially for a first child.

 

Add to that the fact that the op's baby was born early and likely spent time in the hospital, and the mom is likely stressed out, scared, and in need of physical closeness without the pressure to perform sexually. Even if the doctor said the baby is okay, there is still that fear, and it can't take a long time to adjust.

 

I'm not saying the op should feel bad for wanting sex and physical closeness at all. After all, he's also been through an incredibly difficult time. He's probably tired, emotionally worn by the difficult birth and finding his way as a new dad.

 

I would caution the o though about reading too much into anyone who claims that because they recovered quickly after having a baby, that all women can. Each women is different, and has her own schedule of recovery. Both the op and his wife are navigating their way through raising this new little human being who is completely dependent on the for everything. That's enough to overwhelm anyone, but give some time and understanding on both their parts, things should improve.

 

I do agree, however, I'll add a counterpoint to this. A few years ago I was seriously injured (back injury). I could barely get off the couch to walk for about 3 months. However, during that time, I was intimate with my wife pretty much as much as I normally was, even though it hurt my like crazy. I went to work, even though the drive was excruciating. I kept taking out the trash, doing projects around the home, and carrying on as normally as possible.

 

Thing is, sex is the number 1 thing in a relationship for most men. Yes, women go through a trauma when they have children, and yes, it does take time to heal. And yes, your tired and moody. But women have to try to push that aside so that their relationship doesn't die; because, no sex for a year to me (and to a lot of men) would be a dead relationship. You might stay for the kids, but you'll never feel the same as you would if you were having sex. Grit your teeth and get through it; when I was injured, having sex was not pleasurable at all, it hurt like crazy. But I knew it was important to keep me bonded to my wife, and I wanted to do it for/with her to show her how much I appreciated her helping me recover.

[Spring23]

The affection is definitely not only for sex, granted having a high libido I could almost go at anytime.

 

I usually don't try to initiate when cuddling or giving her a random hug. I tried to cuddle as I fell asleep last night, but a dog was in the way. I told the dog he was going to have to move as I wanted to cuddle, her response was don't worry about it as she'll be pumping in a little while anyway.

 

Now this doesn't always happen, not always turned down, but we had busy days yesterday and it was really the first time where we could cuddle up. Wanted to do it earlier but she was on her computer. Now I can be guilty of too much electronics too at times, but I would have liked a few minutes of cuddling as I fell asleep before she started to pump

 

Your wife sounds tired.

[wmacbride]

I do agree, however, I'll add a counterpoint to this. A few years ago I was seriously injured (back injury). I could barely get off the couch to walk for about 3 months. However, during that time, I was intimate with my wife pretty much as much as I normally was, even though it hurt my like crazy. I went to work, even though the drive was excruciating. I kept taking out the trash, doing projects around the home, and carrying on as normally as possible.

 

Thing is, sex is the number 1 thing in a relationship for most men. Yes, women go through a trauma when they have children, and yes, it does take time to heal. And yes, your tired and moody. But women have to try to push that aside so that their relationship doesn't die; because, no sex for a year to me (and to a lot of men) would be a dead relationship. You might stay for the kids, but you'll never feel the same as you would if you were having sex. Grit your teeth and get through it; when I was injured, having sex was not pleasurable at all, it hurt like crazy. But I knew it was important to keep me bonded to my wife, and I wanted to do it for/with her to show her how much I appreciated her helping me recover.

 

I read what you wrote, and I have to ask if you were pushing yourself to have sex for her or were you doing it for you? Given the circumstances, I doubt she would have lost affection and attraction for you, unless there was more going on like some sort of underlying issue.

 

Most women would be very understanding if sex were to be put on hold while her husband recovered from a major injury.Why on earth would a man want to have sex with his wife if he knew she was gritting her teeth through the discomfort?

 

I doubt that's going to make her feel any closer to her husband. It's going to make sex into a chore and could quite possibly remove any sense of bonding from it.

 

As for how difficult it can be for a woman, sorry, but no man can understand that. Some women breeze through it, but other find it much more difficult. Each is different, and comparing one to another, or comparing a woman who has just had a baby to someone who is injured isn't really valid, as they are completely different kettles of fish. The sudden shift in hormones alone can be really difficult.

[Overtaxed]

I read what you wrote, and I have to ask if you were pushing yourself to have sex for her or were you doing it for you? Given the circumstances, I doubt she would have lost affection and attraction for you, unless there was more going on like some sort of underlying issue.

 

Most women would be very understanding if sex were to be put on hold while her husband recovered from a major injury.Why on earth would a man want to have sex with his wife if he knew she was gritting her teeth through the discomfort?

 

I doubt that's going to make her feel any closer to her husband. It's going to make sex into a chore and could quite possibly remove any sense of bonding from it.

 

As for how difficult it can be for a woman, sorry, but no man can understand that. Some women breeze through it, but other find it much more difficult. Each is different, and comparing one to another, or comparing a woman who has just had a baby to someone who is injured isn't really valid, as they are completely different kettles of fish. The sudden shift in hormones alone can be really difficult.

 

Fair enough, the injury was the only experience I can relate "painful sex" with, so it's all I've got.

 

I did it because it brings 2 people closer together. Yes, it was painful for me, but it's also pleasurable (of course) and it's the glue that binds a married couple. I didn't want that glue to get weak, and, because of that, it was important enough to me to suffer through the pain.

 

Listen, everyone today seems to want everything to be pleasurable all the time. That's not how it works, relationships and life are work; some of the time it hurts, and some of the time it's fun. No, it's not "supposed to" hurt, but it does. Could be a million things, hanging with your spouses friends, being with your in-laws, going shopping with the W, climbing under the house to replace the pipes.. Whatever, it's not what you want to be doing and it's "painful" either physically or mentally. That's life people. No, we don't try to hurt the other person, and we do try to make things the other person doesn't enjoy as much fun for them. But, end of the day, a relationship means compromise and sometimes that's going to be a bit painful experience.

 

Also, in this particular discussion, pain isn't really a foregone conclusion. Most men would be just fine with a BJ (and most women would be just fine with oral sex).

[BettyDraper]

BettyDraper and Overtaxed -

 

I think in some ways, having kids does strengthen a marriage. After all, marriages with children statistically have lower divorce rates than marriages without. However that doesn't mean the marriages are necessarily happier, just less likely to divorce. So take from that what you will.

 

It IS possible for a newborn to not affect your relationship too much. You just have to find someone who really understands the difficulties you are about to face and chooses to make the marriage a priority over the children (provided that the children's basic necessities are taken care of, obviously).

 

That's why I dont relate to the people on this thread demonizing the OP for wanting to restore intimacy in his marriage. This was going on before the baby and is a serious problem for marriages. Just because it is "normal" does NOT mean that it's ok. Should we accept everything that is normal? Divorce and crappy marriages are also very normal. We should be working to overcome normal, not settling for it!

 

When I first had my baby, I couldn't put him down for the first few weeks without him crying. He was basically still part of my body even after giving birth. So I get it, I really do. I just don't think it's an acceptable excuse for what a lot of women do to their husbands after children.

 

Now, of course this is all assuming the man is doing his part. I had an excellent partner in parenthood. Our first few weeks of parenthood were spent vegging out on the couch crushing some great shows and movies while my H brought me food on TV trays and my baby slept on my chest. We were basically a 3 person cuddle puddle those first weeks and it was great. And I made sure my H new he was appreciated even when I didn't feel like it.

 

It's easy to let the threads on here make you feel gloom and doom about children, but it's not like that for everyone. And the fundamental difference between happy marriages and unhappy ones is the same regardless of children - prioritize your marriage! :-)

 

I'm childfree so I've done a lot of research on this topic.

 

Based on my research, it's a myth that children strengthen the marital relationship. Studies Show What Happens to Marriages After Having Kids | Fortune.com

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/complete-without-kids/201103/fact-or-fiction-childfree-couples-are-happier-couples-kids

It's very easy to see why voluntarily childfree couples are happier than couples with kids. We have more freedom, time for each other and disposable income. YMMV. Parents who are painfully aware of all they gave up to have children are usually defensive about childfree couples. Those types are usually jealous as well and that comes out in unprovoked snide remarks.

 

You're right that couples with children are more likely to stay together. That fact is written in the articles I posted. Unhappy couples sacrifice their own happiness so that their children can be raised in a two parent home. I was raised in a two parent home with parents who hated each other and a mother who wasn't shy about listing the freedoms which children cost her. I'm happy that my marriage is based on authentic love rather than resentful obligation to children.

 

Many moms have told me that they completely understand why I am childfree. They have also confessed that if they knew what parenting was going to be like, they would have made the same decision as my husband and I. Fathers have also told me that I am lucky that I don't have kids and children worsened their marriages. You only need to Google "I hate being a mother" or "I hate being a father" to see that enjoying parenthood is certainly not universal.

 

That said, I agree that parenting can certainly be rewarding and bonding for some couples. I just don't think it makes sense to pretend that becoming a parent doesn't pose significant challenges for the marital relationship.

 

I was childfree long before I came to LS. It wasn't the threads that made me decide to avoid motherhood. I made this decision based on my experiences with children, what I was told by an overwhelming number of parents and my own childhood. I'm glad that I found a husband who feels the same way. I'm also glad that you and your husband prioritized your marriage. I don't think that's very common.

[RedBaron2765]

I've read that a couple's relationship satisfaction takes a huge dip after a baby is born.

Women understandably lose interest in sex because of the demands of pregnancy, childbirth and caring for a baby. Those are some of the reasons my husband and I are childfree. Since you were already having sexual issues before your daughter was born, I'm not sure why you are surprised that having a baby has temporarily ruined your sex life.

 

I think that so many couples struggle after having a child because they don't think of the challenges that come with being a new parent. They think it's going to be easy and so wonderful to have a little one in their lives. Obviously there are benefits to having kids but people rarely consider the difficulties.

 

Our kids are adopted, but at least from my perspective, my satisfaction has gone way down. Our sex life was waning before we adopted the kids, and now that they're five (we got them as newborns), we've had sex three times in that five years. There are other issues which are major contributors to my dissatisfaction, but suffice to say that the only thing that keeps me there is the kids. I'd probably be better off financially (kids have a better understanding of money than she does), but don't want to lose this time with the kids.

[BettyDraper]

Our kids are adopted, but at least from my perspective, my satisfaction has gone way down. Our sex life was waning before we adopted the kids, and now that they're five (we got them as newborns), we've had sex three times in that five years. There are other issues which are major contributors to my dissatisfaction, but suffice to say that the only thing that keeps me there is the kids. I'd probably be better off financially (kids have a better understanding of money than she does), but don't want to lose this time with the kids.

 

Sadly, your situation tends to be the rule and not the exception. I'm sorry.

I would hate to feel stuck with my husband because of kids.

That's another form of freedom that childfree couples have; they can separate without feeling terrible guilt about traumatizing their children. Have you spoken to your wife about your concerns?

[BettyDraper]

OP, considering how common it is for a couple's sex life to be on hold after they have a child, maybe you just have to give your wife more time. If she isn't interested in sex now and you raise your concerns, your wife may feel like you're not being understanding and that certainly won't make her want to have sex.

[Overtaxed]

I'm childfree so I've done a lot of research on this topic.

 

Based on my research, it's a myth that children strengthen the marital relationship. Studies Show What Happens to Marriages After Having Kids | Fortune.com

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/complete-without-kids/201103/fact-or-fiction-childfree-couples-are-happier-couples-kids

It's very easy to see why voluntarily childfree couples are happier than couples with kids. We have more freedom, time for each other and disposable income. YMMV. Parents who are painfully aware of all they gave up to have children are usually defensive about childfree couples. Those types are usually jealous as well and that comes out in unprovoked snide remarks.

 

You're right that couples with children are more likely to stay together. That fact is written in the articles I posted. Unhappy couples sacrifice their own happiness so that their children can be raised in a two parent home. I was raised in a two parent home with parents who hated each other and a mother who wasn't shy about listing the freedoms which children cost her. I'm happy that my marriage is based on authentic love rather than resentful obligation to children.

 

Many moms have told me that they completely understand why I am childfree. They have also confessed that if they knew what parenting was going to be like, they would have made the same decision as my husband and I. Fathers have also told me that I am lucky that I don't have kids and children worsened their marriages. You only need to Google "I hate being a mother" or "I hate being a father" to see that enjoying parenthood is certainly not universal.

 

That said, I agree that parenting can certainly be rewarding and bonding for some couples. I just don't think it makes sense to pretend that becoming a parent doesn't pose significant challenges for the marital relationship.

 

I was childfree long before I came to LS. It wasn't the threads that made me decide to avoid motherhood. I made this decision based on my experiences with children, what I was told by an overwhelming number of parents and my own childhood. I'm glad that I found a husband who feels the same way. I'm also glad that you and your husband prioritized your marriage. I don't think that's very common.

 

As I've gotten older, I started to hear something which at my age now, I hear all the time when talking to men around my stage in life. Basically, goes like "You have any kids" (to me). When I answer no, they'll sometimes ask why, maybe some smalltalk, and then the bomb drops. And this is quoted again and again by men, so much so that I almost cringe when I hear it, because I know what they're going to say, and I know they are embarrassed about it, but tell me because I'm "safe" as a married man with no kids.

 

"Man, Overtaxed, let me tell you, I LOVE my kids. Love to them to death. But, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had them".

 

What are they talking about? Well, in most cases, it's that their relationship with their wives ended when the kids came home. Sex, fun, adventure with the spouse, all stopped that day and probably won't ever come back. This absolutely DOES NOT have to happen, but it does happen in a lot of cases. I think some of my less well off friends can't believe how much money their kids cost them and lament the years they'll have to work to make up for it and the fact that they can't provide everything for their kids like they wanted to be able to.

 

But those are all guesses. What's not a guess is that a whole lot of men I know would opt out if given a "do over". The only time I don't hear that is when talking to really wealthy men (think 7 figure incomes) who have stay at home wives or are divorced and remarried (and kids with the first wife, not the 2nd). Those men seem pretty happy, but it's because they didn't give anything up. If they want to go ski in Aspen, they go. If they want it to be the wife and him, they hire a nanny. It's all the best parts with none of the bad; it's all outsourced. Not sure that's a good way to raise kids, but it does seem to make for happy husbands.

 

Also, and this is really touchy, but I will say that men who divorced the mother of their children do seem to have it pretty good. My uncle did this, and he's got an awesome relationship with his kids, AND he gets to do all the "DINK" stuff too with his new wife. Not good for the kids, for sure, but it seems to be a good arrangement, free/built in babysitter when either the bio mom or dad wants to go out of town with their new spouse.

[RedBaron2765]

Sadly, your situation tends to be the rule and not the exception. I'm sorry.

I would hate to feel stuck with my husband because of kids.

That's another form of freedom that childfree couples have; they can separate without feeling terrible guilt about traumatizing their children. Have you spoken to your wife about your concerns?

 

Sorry for the late reply - just got a chance to log in. No, haven't spoken to her. I honestly think I'd be a lot happier if we had sex on a consistent basis - I do care about her (we had some major issues several years ago related to her being totally stressed out about the kids - she's gotten much better in this regard), but sex to her is a chore. She does have body image issues (she's put on a lot of weight, and can stand to lose around 40-50 lbs), but I'd still have sex with her.