From low Sex drive to no sex drive after having a child

[Gemma1]

I'm childfree so I've done a lot of research on this topic.

 

Based on my research, it's a myth that children strengthen the marital relationship. Studies Show What Happens to Marriages After Having Kids | Fortune.com

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/complete-without-kids/201103/fact-or-fiction-childfree-couples-are-happier-couples-kids

It's very easy to see why voluntarily childfree couples are happier than couples with kids. We have more freedom, time for each other and disposable income. YMMV. Parents who are painfully aware of all they gave up to have children are usually defensive about childfree couples. Those types are usually jealous as well and that comes out in unprovoked snide remarks.

 

You're right that couples with children are more likely to stay together. That fact is written in the articles I posted. Unhappy couples sacrifice their own happiness so that their children can be raised in a two parent home. I was raised in a two parent home with parents who hated each other and a mother who wasn't shy about listing the freedoms which children cost her. I'm happy that my marriage is based on authentic love rather than resentful obligation to children.

 

Many moms have told me that they completely understand why I am childfree. They have also confessed that if they knew what parenting was going to be like, they would have made the same decision as my husband and I. Fathers have also told me that I am lucky that I don't have kids and children worsened their marriages. You only need to Google "I hate being a mother" or "I hate being a father" to see that enjoying parenthood is certainly not universal.

 

That said, I agree that parenting can certainly be rewarding and bonding for some couples. I just don't think it makes sense to pretend that becoming a parent doesn't pose significant challenges for the marital relationship.

 

I was childfree long before I came to LS. It wasn't the threads that made me decide to avoid motherhood. I made this decision based on my experiences with children, what I was told by an overwhelming number of parents and my own childhood. I'm glad that I found a husband who feels the same way. I'm also glad that you and your husband prioritized your marriage. I don't think that's very common.

Thanks for the link, but I specifically said that marriages with children are only "strengthened" in the sense that they are less likely to divorce. I said in my post that they are not necessarily happier, so you've only reiterated what I said.

 

I think you misunderstood the point of my post. The point was not to convince you to have children or to pretend that becoming a parent doesn't pose a significant challenge to relationships.

 

The point was to say that it's not the children that are the root cause of the ensuing marital discord. It is the choice by the couple (often the woman) to sacrifice the marriage at the alter of children. Just as sometimes men choose to sacrifice their marriage at the alter of work. If children were the real problem, childfree couples would be enjoying low divorce rates. But they don't. Because the real issue is not children, it is a fundamental flaw in how most people approach marriage.

 

It's true that children are the biggest hurdle a marriage can face, but there are all sorts of other things that can have the same effect. It takes a common approach to each of these potential hurdles to overcome them - prioritizing the marriage. It's great that you have chosen to be childfree and I don't blame you. In fact, I think the VAST majority of couples should not have kids, because they just aren't capable of prioritizing their marriages in the face of the huge hurdle that is "children." When our friends ask us if we think they should have kids, my initial response is always "it's probably a bad idea." This is despite the fact that my H and I are genuinely happier for having had our son (and that's not me trying to rationalize it). I know that we are in the extreme minority.

 

I was not being defensive of my choice. I actually think it was a bad choice that worked out well. Nor was I offering any snide comments. If you took it that way, I apologize.

Edited April 21, 2017 by Gemma1

[BettyDraper]

Thanks for the link, but I specifically said that marriages with children are only "strengthened" in the sense that they are less likely to divorce. I said in my post that they are not necessarily happier, so you've only reiterated what I said.

 

I think you misunderstood the point of my post. The point was not to convince you to have children or to pretend that becoming a parent doesn't pose a significant challenge to relationships.

 

The point was to say that it's not the children that are the root cause of the ensuing marital discord. It is the choice by the couple (often the woman) to sacrifice the marriage at the alter of children. Just as sometimes men choose to sacrifice their marriage at the alter of work. If children were the real problem, childfree couples would be enjoying low divorce rates. But they don't. Because the real issue is not children, it is a fundamental flaw in how most people approach marriage.

 

It's true that children are the biggest hurdle a marriage can face, but there are all sorts of other things that can have the same effect. It takes a common approach to each of these potential hurdles to overcome them - prioritizing the marriage. It's great that you have chosen to be childfree and I don't blame you. In fact, I think the VAST majority of couples should not have kids, because they just aren't capable of prioritizing their marriages in the face of the huge hurdle that is "children." When our friends ask us if we think they should have kids, my initial response is always "it's probably a bad idea." This is despite the fact that my H and I are genuinely happier for having had our son (and that's not me trying to rationalize it). I know that we are in the extreme minority.

 

I was not being defensive of my choice. I actually think it was a bad choice that worked out well. Nor was I offering any snide comments. If you took it that way, I apologize.

 

I apologize as well because I clearly wrote my post in a way that it was easy to misinterpret. I was talking about other parents making snide remarks. You didn't say anything rude or snide in your post at all. I thought you were just sharing your personal parenting experience.

 

I'm not sure what the divorce rate are for childfree couples. I just posted research that supports the idea that childfree couples are happier. YMMV.

 

To be honest, I think that parents shouldn't be demonized for saying that they don't always like raising kids. It's like the last taboo.

[Overtaxed]

I apologize as well because I clearly wrote my post in a way that it was easy to misinterpret. I was talking about other parents making snide remarks. You didn't say anything rude or snide in your post at all. I thought you were just sharing your personal parenting experience.

 

I'm not sure what the divorce rate are for childfree couples. I just posted research that supports the idea that childfree couples are happier. YMMV.

 

To be honest, I think that parents shouldn't be demonized for saying that they don't always like raising kids. It's like the last taboo.

 

I agree; the expectations that are set in society for what having kids is like compared to the reality is very jolting for most new parents (so I've been told). And admitting you don't enjoy it is akin to saying you sympathize with the nazis; it's just something that nobody would ever admit unless they feel very safe.

 

I honestly don't think, in most of the cases I've heard of 1st hand, that it's the parenting that the dad's don't like. They adore their kids. What they lament the loss of the "marriage" with their wives. I never hear them complain about the lack of sleep, and honestly rarely hear them complain about the money. What they complain about, in most cases, is the lack of sex/intimacy in their marriage and (speaking bluntly here, apologies if I offend) the changes in their wives from a sexy woman wearing a thong to bed to a woman who's 30lbs overweight who only wears something cute when she's going to be seeing her friends.

[wmacbride]

To be honest, I don't think the op is going to find his answers on an internet forum. It sounds as if the issue started even before he and his wife became parents, and that has exacerbated the problem.

 

I guess it comes down to the fundamental question of why, at least for his wife, sex is just "meh". Is something bothering her, is this just the way she is, is ( and I know this is sensitive, so I will tread lightly) is sex just not satisfying to her so it isn't all that important?

 

No one on here can answer that, and it's a huge part of the equation. The op is not a pig, and I really get the sense that it's not even the sex, in and of itself that he misses, it's the sense of a loving connection. In other words, even if his wife gave him 'duty sex", it's not going to be more than a band aid, as he wants an emotional connection with her too.

 

Whatever her side may be, we aren't hearing it, which is the nature of an internet forum. It's hard to advise someone about an issue that takes two when you can only hear from one.

 

OP, if you haven't already done so, please find a marriage counselor who can work with you and your wife together as a team to figure it out. Counseling is not exactly a fun time, but it can be really helpful. If you won't go for yourself, think of it as going for your daughter, because you want her to grow up in a loving and happy home.

 

You can even include it as part of a date night. See the counselor, then go out for dinner or a drink afterwards and talk it over. It's not going to offer a quick fix, but it might just be your best chance to find a way of working through the issues in your relationship.