Mom doesn't want me to leave her for a relationship across the country

[Knix]

Hi LS Forum!

 

 

My year and a half relationship with my boyfriend has become long distance because he decided he needed to move back home to Wisconsin. I supported his decision because I met him when we were both living in Nevada and the part we were living in wasn't great, I moved back to the SF Bay Area and he went back to Green Bay. The long distance was a little rocky at first, but I think we're getting into a good groove and we're both trying really hard to make it work. He's flying down for my birthday in a few weeks. When I went to Wisconsin I fell in love with everything about it, and I also have a close relationship with his parents. With housing in California being very overpriced and becoming more and more crowded, it's starting to become clear that if I want to be with my boyfriend I will need to move to Wisconsin at some point. He and I have discussed the possibility of buying a home together, making bigger commitments, and his commitment to supporting me while I finish college.

 

 

My mom sees this happening and she's trying to make me afraid of it. She says I will never see my family and she will be all alone. She also says that if something bad was to happen with my boyfriend and I, that I would be stranded. I was hoping she'd be more supportive and say that she'll always be there for me...

 

 

It completely breaks my heart, but I also know that my mom is getting married next year and now SHE is even discussing moving out of state with her fiancé.

 

 

 

 

I guess my main question is does anyone have this experience where they moved out of state and away from their family? Do you see each other often? My boyfriend has assured me that if I was to move there he would make sure I could come back here and see my family whenever I wanted and that they can come over whenever they want too... (he's not a big fan of the drama my family stirs up, and I notice he tries very hard to be polite and accepting of their criticisms).

[d0nnivain]

Your mom is scared & talking out of fear. Be patient with her. Let your actions reassure her that she's not losing you.

 

 

Perhaps do a real estate price comparison for her. Show her the various airline schedules Map it for her so she knows how long of a drive it is. Make sure she knows how to Skype & do other things to keep you connected. Once you get settled in your new home immediately invite her over.

[darkmoon]

ok, so what would you do if it went wrong with him?

 

do you have spare money put by for emergencies?

 

if you are "heartbroken" at the thought of your mother not being there for you, then atmo, you are too young to move out

 

independence marks out the adult

Edited April 10, 2017 by darkmoon

[RecentChange]

If I was young and had an opportunity to relocate from the bay area I would take it in a heart beat.

 

Buying a house here is a pipedream for most young people.

 

The only ones I have known who have done it got a considerable down payment given to them by their folks (I am talking well over 100K)

[Knix]

ok, so what would you do if it went wrong with him?

 

do you have spare money put by for emergencies?

 

if you are "heartbroken" at the thought of your mother not being there for you, then atmo, you are too young to move out

 

independence marks out the adult

 

No, we're a very close family. My father passed away last June and I have always had a fear of leaving her. I'm 24 and live alone, but she doesn't want me moving across the country where she thinks I will forget her.

[d0nnivain]

Darkmoom makes some valid points. What is your contingency plan if things don't work out? Will you have enough money to come back home if things don't work out with this BF? My experience tells me if you plan for this possibility, it's less likely to happen. But if you show your mom the cold hard cash for moving back expenses, that may make her feel better. If things work out, you will some money to put toward a wedding or the down payment on the actual house.

[Knix]

If I was young and had an opportunity to relocate from the bay area I would take it in a heart beat.

 

Buying a house here is a pipedream for most young people.

 

The only ones I have known who have done it got a considerable down payment given to them by their folks (I am talking well over 100K)

 

 

 

It's so difficult renting out here, let alone buying a home. Most of his friends have already purchased homes and some of them have even done it with low income jobs. I thought Wisconsin would be just grassy fields and cows, but it's gorgeous with their lakes and rivers, I'm excited

[Telemachus]

You mention him commiting to support you while you finish college. It isn't clear whether you intend to do that where you are or after you move to Green Bay. UWGB is just OK. If you're planning to finish a degree there, you should think about whether you want to get into a top grad school and whether finishing where you are going now may be better.

 

Wisconsin is a very nice state, and the Green Bay area is very livable. On the down side, there is a near-certainty that you will at least once hit a deer with your car. If you wouldn't find the prospect soul crushing, go for it. My favorite parts of Wisconsin are the parts near St. Paul, MN, and Dubuque, IA, but you will find your own favorite places to go.

 

I moved long distance once, and my first wife did so to be with me. Plan on going home once or twice a year. If that's enough for you, I think you'll do just fine.

[Els]

I don't live in the US and can't comment on the various states, but I do have experience with moving for a LDR.

 

I moved out of my parents' country after I finished college. My parents were against me moving, as your mother is, but several years on, I'm so very, very glad I didn't let them stop me. My life (in terms of my relationship, my quality of life in general, my mental state, etc) is so much better due to the move I made, and even my relationship with my parents is probably better than it would have been if I had acquiesced to them and stayed.

 

I think you should go where you want to go and not anchor yourself to your mother. I honestly think that, despite the natural and understandable fear of not being able to see their offspring as much as they would like, parents should try to be supportive of their children spreading their wings and flying as adults. Because that's what's best for their children - and that should be their top priority. Not themselves or their fear. If they can't be, then you have to do it anyway.

 

That being said, the main concern for me in your opening post is that your boyfriend seems to have moved AWAY from you to be with his parents. Did I read that right? Does that not concern you?

Edited April 18, 2017 by Elswyth

[justwhoiam]

My approach is very simple: did she ask what you think about her getting married?

Maybe she was divorced, because your father only died 10 months ago, still she's getting married and might go on with her own life regardless of where you will be. If she will need to follow her husband, she'll be in your same shoes. I would simply tell her that. If she believes that only what she thinks is important, then maybe she's not ready to get married. If you have the conversation in front of her prospect husband, the better. He might change his mind and draw back or postpone.

[Knix]

Hi LS forum,

 

So I've posted a lot about my LDR on here, he's living in Wisconsin right now and I'm in California.

 

He flew down this past weekend for my birthday and I was so happy to see him. Everything I thought went well except my boyfriend gets really nervous around my family and can be quiet. He doesn't make small talk and will usually just go with whatever the plan is.

 

I dropped him off at the airport this morning and my mom got in my face saying he's a weirdo and I'm going to throw my life away. Quite frankly I thought it was really not her place to say any of it. She said he never said thank you which is a total lie because I heard him say it over and over, and he TOLD me he was feeling a little uneasy being in a house of women.

 

My moms first marriage was very abusive and she always tells me that I'm going to end up in the same situation. I told my boyfriend in front of my family that we should get pedicures in a joking way, he said he'd rather not and my mom said that's proof that he is selfish, doesn't love me, and I'm throwing my life away.

 

I'm feeling incredibly invaded by this. I LOVE my boyfriends parents so much, they have always been so welcoming and accepting of me-- I'm embarrassed by my mom being so rude to him and then looking for reasons to say he's not the one for me.

 

We had a great weekend overall and we left in tears because we love each other so much. It's so expensive living here in California and I'm still living at home with my mom because of it. Ultimately I want to move to Wisconsin with my boyfriend but my mom is telling me I'll end up flying home knocked up or something crazy. He has a great job, we are talking about buying a home, but my mom is saying she will NEVER visit me and basically disown me. This is all because my boyfriend is quiet around my family... I think deep down he doesn't like them but tries to make me happy. Quite frankly none of my friends have liked my mom either. she's abrasive, rude, and doesn't know how to talk to people without sounding like she is a know it all (she's very insecure)

 

I'm just in tears about this because one minute I'm leaving my boyfriend at the airport next minute I'm getting screamed at by mom and then her simultaneously laughing saying "please go to Wisconsin. I want to see what happens"

 

My boyfriend told me he was upset about my mom also saying to us on my bday that any kids we have will have to get their names approved by her first. No concern for me... I want to believe that she has my best intentions, and sometimes my boyfriends quietness makes me feel bad--but it's because my mom makes me feel so on edge. Idk what to do at this point. I feel like I have no good option.

[d0nnivain]

Go to Wisconsin. Your mother will get over it eventually.

[Whodatdog]

Its your mothers choice if she wont come to Wisconsin to see you or if she chooses to dislike your boyfriend. Its HER problem, not yours.

 

Do not make a relationship decision based on your mother. She has led her life, its time for you to do what you want to do. All you can say to her is, Im sorry you feel that way, but I have to do what I have to do.

 

And do it. Be happy.