Working it out?

[David Gevert]

Okay, here's a more unusual situation for you love experts. I see lots of, "what to do when he/she's cheating, lost interest, etc.," here, but what about relationships that are going absolutely great that the girl breaks off very suddenly? I've asked her to try and work it out, without trying to force her to give me "another chance," so to speak. Have I done the right thing? We're both really happy with each other, loyal to each other, and respect each other. She's 17 and I'm 18, by the way, and this is the first serious relationship either of us have really been in. I think the problem is on her end, because I don't think she understands why I treat her well.

 

Here's the situation in more detail. I'm a high school senior, she's a junior. Our high school is unique from others because it's actually residential, like a college - the students live in dorms (the dorms are split between a girl's side and a guy's side). It's also in the center of the state of South Carolina, and is for students from all areas of the state. I'm from the upstate area, and she lives in the center of the state. I'm going to go to college in Rochester, NY - a thousand miles away from my home state of South Carolina and my high school. For a long time I considered not asking her out (her name is Sarah) because of this, since I'm not usually one for "living in the moment." But I did, and found out that she liked me, too. We started going out on April 18.

 

The week that followed was pretty much your standard, "it feels like nothing can go wrong" week. We had no shortage of compliments to give each other. Then came prom, on the 28th of April. She seemed distracted and depressed, but mostly happy. I think we had a good time.

 

The next day she told me why she had felt that way. Apparently, she's manic-depressive - she experiences periods of time in which she has a natural inclination to feel happy, and periods of time in which she has a natural inclination towards depression. She told me that she was starting on a "down" phase at prom, and that it was not my fault. After reading a bit about manic depression, I believe her there. I know from one of her friends that she's not lying to me. She also told me that, while she had been on an "up phase" the previous week, she normally wouldn't have felt as naturally happy with me as she did, and that, if it weren't for me, after such a period of happiness that she'd have crashed really, really badly when starting her "down phase." I believe this, too. (She's a genuine person.)

 

After telling me that, we just spend time together. I manage to even bring several smiles to her face, through careful application of tickling.

 

She also described herself as 'like a porcupine,' in that sometimes the closer she tries to get to someone, the more she inadvertently pushes them away. I think that may be what's going on here, in fact.

 

Anyway, the next day seemed fairly normal until about 9:00 at night. Then, I found myself in a position of extreme awkwardness; she - without thinking - had ended up in a position of sexual discomfort with me. (Our clothes were on, and all of that, but suddenly I found her pushing her butt into my crotch.) I'm not the kind of guy who's just out for a sexual thrill, and I found this uncomfortable. I tried to play it off with a casual joke, which caused a little awkwardness on both sides, and I admit I handled it wrong. We spent about 30 minutes apart, but then we worked it out.

 

The next day (we're on Tuesday, the 1st of May at this point), I got some bad news. A friend of my mom had taken her life. I was depressed that day, and in fact, Sarah is the only one at school I told about it. If it weren't for her, I would've buried my feelings. I didn't know my mom's friend very well, but I did know she was a good person. But anyway, that, too, I survived, and that evening things looked like they were getting back to normal. I didn't spend much time with her, for two reasons - she had a history test to study for, and I probably needed the time alone to deal with my grief anyway.

 

Wednesday seems to be getting back to normal. We spend time together, like we had in the past, and we're happier again.

 

Then Thursday, she broke up with me. Thursday was a day when everyone at school has to pack up and take a three-day vacation at home, and leave campus. That afternoon, before leaving, I discovered a typed note in my box telling me that she thought it wasn't working out. There was also an indication that she felt guilt over her reason for liking me - the best I can understand it is to say that I think she feels guilt for realizing that her reason for liking me is because I make her feel happy, and she feels guilty because she interprets it as selfish. In all honesty, it is, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I think that she feels that because she's not reciprocating all of my actions in exactly the same way, that the relationship is one-sided.

 

Here's an example: several times, she needed to walk into town to accomplish an errand. I would offer to walk with her. I don't think she understands that she doesn't necessarily have to do the same when I need to go on an errand, and that I do things like that simply to spend time with her because I enjoy being around her, and that she doesn't need to return the favor exactly.

 

I also found out through talking to one of her friends that she had started asking him how to break up with me about four days from Thursday, which, depending on how he's counting, could be either Sunday or Monday. I'm pretty sure it was before the incident Monday night that left us both feeling awkward.

 

Anyway, since Thursday, I haven't seen her. I actually don't have her home phone number; the preferred method of communication when we're both at home was going to be AOL instant messaging and e-mail. She hasn't been online. I sent her one e-mail Thursday that basically said that I wasn't angry with her, and that if she changes her mind, I'll welcome her with open arms. I don't want to push her to "give me another chance"; I don't think the problem's on my end (I only wish it were.) But I did fire off another email just now that basically asked her to talk to me and try and work things out, because I think that at some level, there's a situation of misunderstanding going on between us. Either I don't understand how she's feeling, or she doesn't understand how I'm feeling. I do feel it's foolish to give up a good thing over a misunderstanding.

 

Did I do the right thing, though? I mean, in my opinion, if we don't try to work it out at all, I won't have closure, and I'll always torment myself because I don't fully understand why she broke up with me. If we do try to work it out and fail, at least I'll have that understanding, and obviously, if we can work it out, then great.

 

What do you guys think?

[Tony T]

This girl has got problems with hair on them. You'll never, ever win in a relationship or friendship with her.

 

Manic depressive illness if often hereditary so it's very likely one or both of her parents had a problem. So even if she hadn't contracted it herself, she would be somewhat screwed up. People who are manic depressive, although it's not their fault, are often impossible to deal with even if they are taking proper medication. She may never have all her marbles.

 

There are not a great number of doctors willing to take the time to manage proper medication and dosages to stabilize these patients. And once stabilized, this stability can change with body chemistry. It's likely she may have to change medications and dosages periodically all of her life.

 

Even being friends with somebody like this girl will be taxing and draining. She will push you away with every ounce of energy she's got. That's just the nature of her illness. In time, her sleep patterns will be disturbed and her brain's rapid cycling will cause her to rise and sleep at awkward times. I'm sure she has a very low self esteem because of her problem and because of her upbringing and there's nothing you can do about that.

 

She broke up with you because she felt guilty because you made her feel good. Understand, that's the reason sane women stay with guys...because the guys make them feel good. Not a good sign.

 

My recommendation is you remain friends with the lady but don't spend a lot of time with her. You will be very sorry if you keep pursuing this lady and trying to make her a part of your life. I mean VERY SORRY.

 

I also recommend to you that you find out the reasons you would be attracted to someone so difficult. A challenge presented by someone who is healthy and capable of having a relationship is a lot different from the natural challenge presented by someone with a serious brain dysfunction.

 

There are some men who are always attracted to women who need lots of help. Maybe your self esteem is low as well and you feel you must be needed. Maybe you feel like you have to help people or be of some service to them to justify your relationship with them. In any case, nail this down and get over it.

 

Find out what good, healthy relationships are all about and seek one.

 

It is tragic this girl has her highs and lows. But it would be even more tragic if you allowed yourself to get sucked into her life. To her credit, she understands this and cares enough about you not to drag you into her dark world. Respect that and move on.

 

You will NEVER have a nice romance with this lady. You will only get frustration.

[David Gevert]

Tony,

 

I should state three things. I didn't know she was manic depressive when I asked her out. She doesn't seem to be one of the more severe manic-depressives (I've heard of the ones that can have very sudden and violent mood swings...hers are more like a week or two of having an up-beat attitude followed by another week or two having a depressed attitude).

 

The third thing is that I truly care about her. For better or worse...you know the deal, right? I'm sorry, but your solution just doesn't cut it for me.

[Tony T]

I understand perfectly. Some people like roller coasters. I avoid them. I do hope this works out well for you.

[David Gevert]

I understand perfectly. Some people like

roller coasters. I avoid them. I do hope this works out well for you.

It's not because I like roller coasters...it's in spite of the fact that it will be a roller coaster. Thanks, Tony, because despite whatever advice or response I got, it feels good to have been able to type that and get it out of my system.