Meeting up with her tomorrow

[Redstar91]

BU topic: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/615062-ex-reaching-out-via-my-parents-updated-my-ex-gf-manipulating-me-via-fb

 

I invited her to go for a hike, so we can have a nice conversation. She brought it up she wanted to meet up. We're spending the whole day together. It's one of the best forests of the country, weather is nice and I'm taking my dog with me. Now it's been a little over 2 months since I last saw her, and still have feelings for her (not the gaga-gogo drooling kind of feelings anymore, but I've been there) and I want her back.

 

My plan is to hear her out, be spontaneous and fun, making a nice new memory with her without bringing up getting back together. Acknowledging my and her mistakes and go from there. I just want to go very, very slow.

 

Any advice how to handle this, how to avoid, would be appreciated. Have a small question already, how do I greet her when we see each other without coming off to strong? Is a warm hug ok if she goes along with it?

[Sweetfish]

BU topic: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/615062-ex-reaching-out-via-my-parents-updated-my-ex-gf-manipulating-me-via-fb

 

I invited her to go for a hike, so we can have a nice conversation. She brought it up she wanted to meet up. We're spending the whole day together. It's one of the best forests of the country, weather is nice and I'm taking my dog with me. Now it's been a little over 2 months since I last saw her, and still have feelings for her (not the gaga-gogo drooling kind of feelings anymore, but I've been there) and I want her back.

 

My plan is to hear her out, be spontaneous and fun, making a nice new memory with her without bringing up getting back together. Acknowledging my and her mistakes and go from there. I just want to go very, very slow.

 

Any advice how to handle this, how to avoid, would be appreciated. Have a small question already, how do I greet her when we see each other without coming off to strong? Is a warm hug ok if she goes along with it?

 

 

So you were dumped and now trying to find ways to please her. You are placing your self in a situation where you have to walk on eggshells. Something tells me this won't go well in the long run. She displays immaturity and strung you along via your parents. You haven't had time to really process whats going on. At this point of time its possible she is testing the waters by seeing you.

[PegNosePete]

You must have rocks in your head if you think this is going to end well.

 

You will have a nice chat and your feelings will grow. She will be "open and honest" and you will talk all day. You'll say goodbye, must do this again soon. And you'll do it again next week. And eventually you'll gather up the courage to ask her out again... And she will say "WHAT??! NO! I thought we were friends!"

 

She is talking to you because she likes the attention, she likes to know that you're doing OK (ie. that she didn't break you completely), she is basically talking to you for HER own reasons. Not because she wants to build up a relationship slowly!

 

No amount of special greetings when you meet is going to change that.

 

I think you need to re-read your old thread, especially all the responses on page 4, whose advice you have completely ignored. What has changed since then?

[trustyourself]

 

Any advice how to handle this, how to avoid, would be appreciated. Have a small question already, how do I greet her when we see each other without coming off to strong? Is a warm hug ok if she goes along with it?

 

Dude...

 

Okay. You have accepted to meet up. You now cant back out.

 

You need to greet her like an aquaintence. No hug, no kiss on the cheek. Nothing. Just a Hi

 

DO NOT bring up the relationship. Do not tell her how you feel. Do not tell her you miss her or want to work things out.

 

I would highly recommend you not try and do anything romantic.

 

Hopefully you are meeting her there and did not offer to pick her up?

[PegNosePete]

You now cant back out.

Of course he can. And he should, if he values his mental sanity!

[Altair0770]

The problem is you have a game plan on how to win her back and those never really work.

 

She broke up with you, correct? Have her fix it. If she doesn't make any effort to repair the damage she caused, she's not into you bro.

[trustyourself]

Of course he can. And he should, if he values his mental sanity!

 

Well this is the Second Chances forum.

 

Though he is definitely playing this wrong. She needs to put in the work and be clear what she wants.

 

If it is just friendship, OP needs to walk away.

[Redstar91]

Quick update: We went on the hike together last Wednesday and it went really well. We talked about what went wrong in the first place: She feeling it was going to fast and her being unable to talk about it, instead pushing me away. My reaction to it was being a pleaser and I just lost myself because I was afraid of losing her. She cried in my arms and told me she is not over it by a long shot.

 

That hike was 6 hours, at a point it felt like we were a couple again. We had a wonderful time together, felt weird.

 

Also a mind****: I went out to meetup with new people in town the first week after our BU, that's a healthy way to cope instead of staying at home all the time. I met a girl who was going through a BU herself, we found comfort in each other. I even asked her out to go to a concert with me, tickets for the XX I originally bought for me and my ex as an early Christmas gift.

 

Now my ex also met up with a guy who recently dumped his girlfriend because he was going through a difficult time in his life. They were longtime friends and they went to the opera together. Now that guy and the girl I met and went out with, they were THAT couple that also broke up... We went out- and found comfort in each others exes.

 

Anyway after our meet I texted her a book title I told her about and told her I needed some time to process it all, but that I had a great time together. She texted me back she'll be also needing some time and was proud of us we we're able to do this.

 

I did not hear from here since.

[Sweetfish]

Quick update: We went on the hike together last Wednesday and it went really well. We talked about what went wrong in the first place: She feeling it was going to fast and her being unable to talk about it, instead pushing me away. My reaction to it was being a pleaser and I just lost myself because I was afraid of losing her. She cried in my arms and told me she is not over it by a long shot.

 

That hike was 6 hours, at a point it felt like we were a couple again. We had a wonderful time together, felt weird.

 

Also a mind****: I went out to meetup with new people in town the first week after our BU, that's a healthy way to cope instead of staying at home all the time. I met a girl who was going through a BU herself, we found comfort in each other. I even asked her out to go to a concert with me, tickets for the XX I originally bought for me and my ex as an early Christmas gift.

 

Now my ex also met up with a guy who recently dumped his girlfriend because he was going through a difficult time in his life. They were longtime friends and they went to the opera together. Now that guy and the girl I met and went out with, they were THAT couple that also broke up... We went out- and found comfort in each others exes.

 

Anyway after our meet I texted her a book title I told her about and told her I needed some time to process it all, but that I had a great time together. She texted me back she'll be also needing some time and was proud of us we we're able to do this.

 

I did not hear from here since.

 

 

So in the end what do you wish to achieve?

[frigginlost]

Quick update: We went on the hike together last Wednesday and it went really well. We talked about what went wrong in the first place: She feeling it was going to fast and her being unable to talk about it, instead pushing me away. My reaction to it was being a pleaser and I just lost myself because I was afraid of losing her. She cried in my arms and told me she is not over it by a long shot.

 

That hike was 6 hours, at a point it felt like we were a couple again. We had a wonderful time together, felt weird.

 

Also a mind****: I went out to meetup with new people in town the first week after our BU, that's a healthy way to cope instead of staying at home all the time. I met a girl who was going through a BU herself, we found comfort in each other. I even asked her out to go to a concert with me, tickets for the XX I originally bought for me and my ex as an early Christmas gift.

 

Now my ex also met up with a guy who recently dumped his girlfriend because he was going through a difficult time in his life. They were longtime friends and they went to the opera together. Now that guy and the girl I met and went out with, they were THAT couple that also broke up... We went out- and found comfort in each others exes.

 

Anyway after our meet I texted her a book title I told her about and told her I needed some time to process it all, but that I had a great time together. She texted me back she'll be also needing some time and was proud of us we we're able to do this.

 

I did not hear from here since.

 

Just keep in mind, that the above action told her that the onus is on you to contact her. Don't wait around expecting her to contact you because more than likely she will not...

[jamili]

Hate to sound negative but sounds like she used this meetup to relieve her guilt, get closure, help her move on from you completely, and secure you firmly into the friendzone. I dont think this meetup was a good idea. This has "friends" written all over it, but i really hope im wrong. I guess just see what happens... what is your plan moving forward? What do you think of this concert girl?

[Redstar91]

So in the end what do you wish to achieve?

 

I'm just really confused right now. I'm starting to feel these past 2 days like it would not be a good idea to reconcile after all. This girl just takes too much energy from me to make it work, relationships should not be this hard in that stage and at our age. It looked like we were a perfect fit for each other, but that push/pulling of her and that fear of serious commitment... So hard to deal with.

 

I said to her I need some time, I actually still do to make up my own mind now. For the first time in months I can look at other women and feel sensation of attraction and new opportunity, I did not feel anything like that while I was in the relationship.

 

These feelings are new for me, almost 11 weeks after the BU. I think I'm finally getting over her.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Redstar91

[Been]

Look- You will never get the truth as to why she dumped you. You'll get what she wants you to hear.

 

The time for talk is over. She made a decision now she has to deal with it.

And I'll tell you from personal experience that most of the time that THEY DO want you back is because the grass wasn't greener on the otherside or they don't want to be alone and there you are waiting with open arms to take them back-and make no mistake they know they can comeback by how you act around them.

Don't sell yourself short by being a second choice. Have the courage to be by yourself until YOU find someone who meets your standards.

[Redstar91]

Asked her yesterday via text how she feels about a second meetup, got this text in return this morning:

 

"Hi 'name', I found our hike enlightening but to see each other in short term is not possible for me. I need time to find a place for it, I hope you understand. I'm not saying it's not possible in the future but for now it's too soon Love"

 

Aaaand she's stringing me along, back to full no contact it is.

 

Got to learn it the hard way

[Sweetfish]

So you were dumped and now trying to find ways to please her. You are placing your self in a situation where you have to walk on eggshells. Something tells me this won't go well in the long run. She displays immaturity and strung you along via your parents. You haven't had time to really process whats going on. At this point of time its possible she is testing the waters by seeing you.

 

Quoted for stubborness

[Redstar91]

My birthday is in 2.5 weeks. Do I ignore her when she reaches out again?

[Blanco]

Duuuuuuude.

[Blanco]

I think you need to ask what your long game is in this. If it's reconciliation, then I think you have to be real with yourself and know that it doesn't look to be in the cards and that further communication with her is only going to keep you stuck.

[Zahara]

My birthday is in 2.5 weeks. Do I ignore her when she reaches out again?

 

Yes, because anything other is unattractive.

 

The worst thing you can do as a man when dealing with a woman like this is to consistently present yourself as a doormat. She knows you're weak and this is nothing more than her need for attention.

 

So, when she sends you a text on your birthday, you ignore it. Toughen up even if you have to fake it. Be done with this unless you want to be in a constant loop. You don't allow this woman to play you like a marionette.

[devilish innocent]

You should only allow contact if you're really to the point where you have no interest in getting back together for her. If there's any part of you that's hoping you'll get back together in the future, it's better to ignore her completely.

[jamili]

My birthday is in 2.5 weeks. Do I ignore her when she reaches out again?

 

Yes, like we have been saying all along. Stay NC!

 

Realize that each time you break NC and respond to her texts, you look weak and she loses attraction to you.

Edited April 27, 2017 by jamili

[Redstar91]

I have to reinforce some boundaries. I won't focus on what she could do eventually but just try to focus on myself. If that means strict no contact then so be it. Something I advise so many other people on forums and subreddits, but seeming to fail to accomplish myself.

 

It may seem bitter not to respond, but the hell with what she thinks of it. She is stringing me along and that ends now.

Edited April 27, 2017 by Redstar91

[Redstar91]

She texted me last night again:

 

"Hey X, i was thinking about your question to meet up again. Why do you want to see me again? Did you want to be friends with me or did you still wanted to say something? I want to understand it, it confuses me because you told me friendship was not possible anymore."

 

My response: "We had a great time together but it's best we don't contact each other anymore. You're great, don't get me wrong, but I'll always want more than a friendship. If you ever change your mind, we can work from there"

 

Her: "You'll always want more than a friendship? It's hard because I still miss you despite the silence between us"

 

Me: "I'm sorry, I would have wanted it to turn out otherwise as well"

 

Her: "It's such a shame I did not know you any better, but I cherish the moments we had with each other"

 

I ignored that last one. I broke NC but it felt good to handle it this way. It's nice to know she still misses me but I'm not going to play her emotional tampon. It's all or nothing, take it or leave it. I have a feeling this isn't over yet, finals are coming up for both of us and that means isolation from friends ad family for a month. Can't wait to see whats next in our little drama soap!

[Sweetfish]

She texted me last night again:

 

"Hey X, i was thinking about your question to meet up again. Why do you want to see me again? Did you want to be friends with me or did you still wanted to say something? I want to understand it, it confuses me because you told me friendship was not possible anymore."

 

My response: "We had a great time together but it's best we don't contact each other anymore. You're great, don't get me wrong, but I'll always want more than a friendship. If you ever change your mind, we can work from there"

 

Her: "You'll always want more than a friendship? It's hard because I still miss you despite the silence between us"

 

Me: "I'm sorry, I would have wanted it to turn out otherwise as well"

 

Her: "It's such a shame I did not know you any better, but I cherish the moments we had with each other"

 

I ignored that last one. I broke NC but it felt good to handle it this way. It's nice to know she still misses me but I'm not going to play her emotional tampon. It's all or nothing, take it or leave it. I have a feeling this isn't over yet, finals are coming up for both of us and that means isolation from friends ad family for a month. Can't wait to see whats next in our little drama soap!

 

 

This is the game you don't want to play..

 

She is asking all these questions as if she does not know the answers.

 

No contact... why do you want DRAMA?

 

AGAIN YOU FAIL to listen to the advice here... ignore her or get stringed along.

 

remember this

 

"Hi 'name', I found our hike enlightening but to see each other in short term is not possible for me. I need time to find a place for it, I hope you understand. I'm not saying it's not possible in the future but for now it's too soon Love"

She has you by the balls bro. Let it go.

 

wouldn't be surprised if she is not juggling two guys at the same time.

[Redstar91]

This is the game you don't want to play..

 

She is asking all these questions as if she does not know the answers.

 

No contact... why do you want DRAMA?

 

AGAIN YOU FAIL to listen to the advice here... ignore her or get stringed along.

 

remember this

 

She has you by the balls bro. Let it go.

 

wouldn't be surprised if she is not juggling two guys at the same time.

 

She thought she could have me now as a friend and I said no. Felt and still feeling great after the texts. How would ignoring that help to reach my endgoal? She has doubts and I'm stating my boundaries very clearly