Married girl - I'm an idiot, huh?

[BCCA]

So, I'll make this as short as I can...

 

I've known this girl for a long time, like 15 years. About 8 years ago, we kind of had a "night" together, but didn't really talk again until a couple months ago, when we just started texting all day, talking on the phone for hours, sexting and exchanging pics, saying we loved eachother, etc. She led me to believe she was going to get a divorce soon, so I didn't really think much of the husband.

 

Then a couple weeks ago, she just says she can't do this, it was too much to fast, can't we slow down, and now she's just acting totally different. She'll make excuses for not responding and everyone she knows is sick. Blah blah blah. I asked straight up if she just wasn't interested any more, and she swears that's not it, but that I deserve more, that she's trying but it just isn't the same at all and I feel worse and stupider all the time.

 

She used me huh? And now she just wants me to go away without her being the bad guy? She says sorry for somethibg, like ignoring a text or "falling asleep" then does it again within a day or so. Should I just assume I was used and go no contact? I know I should, it's hard, i really did love this girl

[NTV]

What would you want if you were in her husband's shoes?

[BCCA]

I'd want to know, should I tell him?

[DKT3]

I'd want to know, should I tell him?

 

I'm guessing with the way she flipped, he already has an idea that something is off. She is trying to lay low.

 

Following the handbook, if she can get hubby off her back she will be all in again.

[Birdies]

I'd want to know, should I tell him?

 

I would. Everyone deserves to have the whole truth with which to make decisions in their life going forward. Be prepared to show PROOF since he won't want to believe you.

 

(Saying this as a former cheating married girl myself :/ )

[BCCA]

I'm guessing with the way she flipped, he already has an idea that something is off. She is trying to lay low.

 

Following the handbook, if she can get hubby off her back she will be all in again.

 

I kind of thought the same thing, my issue is that right now I feel like unwanted garbage. It's not really cool to get someone emotionallemotionally invested and then back away and say let's slow down. Plus, she's gone from replying instantly to being flaky and making a lot of BS excuses for blowing me off.

 

I feel like a you she plays with when she feels like it, then ignores me when she doesn't, then tries to tell me "I'm trying" when I get upset.

[BCCA]

I would. Everyone deserves to have the whole truth with which to make decisions in their life going forward. Be prepared to show PROOF since he won't want to believe you.

 

(Saying this as a former cheating married girl myself :/ )

 

I've got a phone full of naked pics and raunchy sexts, proof won't be an issue.

 

Which brings up another thing, she's being a little careless with me, whose to say I won't get upset enough to tell the world? I've been quiet so far, but I don't get why she's assuming I'll stay that way, especially if she pissed me off

[Telemachus]

She didn't use you. You didn't buy her a boat and aren't paying her mortgage.

 

You received the same kinds of texts and pics from her that she did from you, unless those you sent are somehow much better and more valuable, which I doubt.

 

It's called time managment and prioritization. She wants to spend less time with you. Honor that. You aren't paying her to be on-call 24 hours per day.

 

She "led you to believe" that she was getting a divorce soon. Really? You saw the papers, paid the invoices from her attorney, or drove her to court? If the basis for your belief was wishful thinging, or spoken words alone, that is self-deception. You beleived it was true because you wanted it to be true.

 

Love is eternal, for as long as it lasts. Love by text message and nude selfie never really lasts all that long.

[harrybrown]

go tell the H.

 

give him the truth.

 

maybe then her divorce will be final.

 

But be careful, if she cheated on her H, she might cheat on you.

[BCCA]

She didn't use you. You didn't buy her a boat and aren't paying her mortgage.

 

You received the same kinds of texts and pics from her that she did from you, unless those you sent are somehow much better and more valuable, which I doubt.

 

It's called time managment and prioritization. She wants to spend less time with you. Honor that. You aren't paying her to be on-call 24 hours per day.

 

She "led you to believe" that she was getting a divorce soon. Really? You saw the papers, paid the invoices from her attorney, or drove her to court? If the basis for your belief was wishful thinging, or spoken words alone, that is self-deception. You beleived it was true because you wanted it to be true.

 

Love is eternal, for as long as it lasts. Love by text message and nude selfie never really lasts all that long.

 

If someone tells you they're in the process of getting a divorce you would demand to see papers? Come on, you take people at their word unless they give you a reason to do otherwise.

 

And I saw her in person, many times. We were intimate and she told me in person that she loved me and I was the best thing about life, then did a 180 out of the blue.

 

You're basically saying that even if she wasn't honest and said things she didn't mean that messed with my head it's ok because I should've known better and not gotten attached? If someone tells you they love you, and you have every reason to believe they're being honest, when they start acting totally different for no reason it hurts.

[BCCA]

go tell the H.

 

give him the truth.

 

maybe then her divorce will be final.

 

But be careful, if she cheated on her H, she might cheat on you.

 

I think I will, I'm just trying to figure out the best way.

[Whoknew30]

You knowingly slept with another's man wife, my advice, cut the line from her, learn from the experience & move on with your life. She doesn't nor ever owed you anything.

 

When she said "I'm going to get a divorce", you should have said "call me when you do". You didn't care at the time she was still married & only are telling out of spite. Sorry but that's not very "manly" behavior.

 

You're judging her but not taking a look that you sound just as selfish. I really don't get OM/OW mentally sometimes. People that willing put their hand on a burner & then throw a fit when burned & try to blame someone else for it.

 

Her husband isn't any of your business, move on & get your own life on track & work on figuring out how YOU (no one else) allowed this in your life...& also realize no amount of spite in the world will take away the wrong from uour own actions that you can't blame on her.

[kendahke]

I'd want to know, should I tell him?

 

Are you ready to get a beat down from him and his friends? Are you ready to have your business put in the street as retaliation?

 

I'd stop messing with married women if I was you--that seems to be the more important thing here. It's not like you didn't know she was married, yet you did it anyway.

Edited April 11, 2017 by kendahke

[Purepony]

If you tell him she will hate you so be ready to lose her completely

 

I'd just disappear and forget about it

If you leave she might miss you

[aileD]

Let it go and consider it a life lesson:

 

Don't get involved with people who are only separated, going thru a divorce, just divorced yesterday etc. for future reference, that period in life is a very confusing, stressful, tough time in their lives (both men and women) as they're going through emotionally, financially and legally ripping apart a significant relationship.

 

Sometimes people change their mind and go back, for lots of factors- money, kids, convenience, change of heart after being on their own etc.

 

It's best just to wait till they have gone through all that life change and come out on the other side knowing who they are Now.

[lostgirl87]

As a recently former OW, I'm not going to judge or tell you what to do/not to do, but I'll say this:

 

I was with my MM for over a year. We started off as friends and slowly moved to more. It wasn't until 6 months later that we finally slept together. He said he loved me, we planned our future/near future wedding, talked about our kids names and more improbably, we discussed how he'd address my family and answer to them for being with me while he was still married. In other words, i thought it was real. Towards the end, we started fighting a lot about when we were finally going to be together until ultimately we decided we needed time apart for each of us to figure things out (more so him, honestly). Never did I ever consider telling his wife about us. Even though I knew there was a huge chance that this break was it for us, I never would've told the wife. I willingly brought it on myself.

 

I eventually ended up telling the wife but only bc I found out about him sleeping with another woman while we were fighting and I wanted to be DONE! I knew we'd continue the cycle until it was broken and telling the wife was the only way to get him to stay away from me. She (seems to) have handled it well with regards to me but who knows what the consequences could be.

 

From what you wrote, it seems clear that she wants to detach herself from the situation with you (for whatever reason) and you want to get back at her for breaking up with you by telling her husband. I told the wife bc it became clear it wasn't just me, there were others and she deserved to know for many reasons. I also needed him out of my life and he wasn't ever going to leave me alone willingly. You don't appear to have that problem. It all seems vindictive. Again, do what you want but be honest with yourself about your intentions and remember that you'll have to live with that decision and the consequences.

[Darren Steez]

It's not really cool to get someone emotionallemotionally invested and then back away and say let's slow down.

 

It's not really cool getting with a married woman cheating on her husband..but hey..

[BaileyB]

You knew she was married...

 

Seems to me, you went pretty willingly into this "affair." I'm not really sure why you are surprised when she decides to stay with her husband. And, I'm not really sure you can say that you were "used" when you decided to sleep with another man's wife...

[Ruffian1]

It's not really cool to get someone emotionallemotionally invested and then back away and say let's slow down.

 

She may have been truthful about getting a D, one of them filed or perhaps they talked about it but neither one made a move to file, who knows, or perhaps she just told you that . . .

 

Like people lie to the bill collector - - - - The check is in the mail.

 

It is said that the person who cares least has all the power in a R.

 

I think you wanted her more that she wanted you.

[magnesium]

OP,

 

Just disappear for a while, until this married woman finally reaches out to you. Eventually she will.

 

When she does message you....

 

You have to respond with the most self-righteous, hypocritical, god will show you no mercy, judgemental text to this woman for stepping out on her husband with another man. SHE broke her marriage vows, and you must guilt-trip her every way possible.

 

And your defence is that you found god, and started a new life as a saint (a self-righteous one at that). You are a single man, and you found a new purpose and your past sins are clear. Make no sense at all!

 

This may be the only retribution you can get which lets you walk away from this, and get the last word in in an absolute immature, hilarious, and irritating manner.

 

And the fact you are making a joke out of things will make her realise she lost her power over you...double win!

 

Consider this an alternate strategy....a very, very childish strategy at that.

Edited April 11, 2017 by magnesium

[BCCA]

You knew she was married...

 

Seems to me, you went pretty willingly into this "affair." I'm not really sure why you are surprised when she decides to stay with her husband. And, I'm not really sure you can say that you were "used" when you decided to sleep with another man's wife...

 

She told me her marriage was done, over with, kaput. I wouldn't have done anything with her if I thought she was going to stay with this other guy. If someone tells you their getting divorced, I guess next time I'll say call me when its final, but this is the first time something like this happened to me so I didn't know to be weary.

 

She led me to believe, through actions and statements made, that this marriage was ending and she wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with me. We've known each other a long time and there's always been chemistry between us.

 

My point is that she lied to me about her current situation, got me emotionally invested, now just wants to be friends with benefits. Call me crazy, but when someone calls to say they love you and was thinking about you one day, then the very next day acts standoffish and wants to "slow things down" I feel misled. Maybe I Should of known better, I should of been more wary and less eager to go along with it, but I wasn't. Lesson learned.

 

To the person who said he was going to beat me up lmao, not going to happen, and he shouldn't be mad at me anyway. I'm not going to tell him just because it would just hurt an innocent person, and I don't want to be spiteful. Been there, done that, and it doesn't make the hurt go away.

 

I fell in love with this girl and this hurt, but I'm willing to take responsibility for my part since I should've thought this out better. I was naive, but I didn't do anything maliciously, and maybe she didn't either.

[Whoknew30]

She told me her marriage was done, over with, kaput. I wouldn't have done anything with her if I thought she was going to stay with this other guy. If someone tells you their getting divorced, I guess next time I'll say call me when its final, but this is the first time something like this happened to me so I didn't know to be weary.

 

She led me to believe, through actions and statements made, that this marriage was ending and she wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with me. We've known each other a long time and there's always been chemistry between us.

 

My point is that she lied to me about her current situation, got me emotionally invested, now just wants to be friends with benefits. Call me crazy, but when someone calls to say they love you and was thinking about you one day, then the very next day acts standoffish and wants to "slow things down" I feel misled. Maybe I Should of known better, I should of been more wary and less eager to go along with it, but I wasn't. Lesson learned.

 

To the person who said he was going to beat me up lmao, not going to happen, and he shouldn't be mad at me anyway. I'm not going to tell him just because it would just hurt an innocent person, and I don't want to be spiteful. Been there, done that, and it doesn't make the hurt go away.

 

I fell in love with this girl and this hurt, but I'm willing to take responsibility for my part since I should've thought this out better. I was naive, but I didn't do anything maliciously, and maybe she didn't either.

 

I know you're hurting but the truth of the situation someone isn't divorced until they're divorced...she's going to have to live with her choices & one gets what they're give.

 

The pain of all of this does go away at some point...& it's all about perception. You dodge a bullet & shes no longer your issue. You didn't want to be the guy that's at home while she's out doing whatever. It's a blessing in disguise for you.

[magnesium]

She told me her marriage was done, over with, kaput. I wouldn't have done anything with her if I thought she was going to stay with this other guy. If someone tells you their getting divorced, I guess next time I'll say call me when its final, but this is the first time something like this happened to me so I didn't know to be weary.

 

She led me to believe, through actions and statements made, that this marriage was ending and she wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with me. We've known each other a long time and there's always been chemistry between us.

 

My point is that she lied to me about her current situation, got me emotionally invested, now just wants to be friends with benefits. Call me crazy, but when someone calls to say they love you and was thinking about you one day, then the very next day acts standoffish and wants to "slow things down" I feel misled. Maybe I Should of known better, I should of been more wary and less eager to go along with it, but I wasn't. Lesson learned.

 

To the person who said he was going to beat me up lmao, not going to happen, and he shouldn't be mad at me anyway. I'm not going to tell him just because it would just hurt an innocent person, and I don't want to be spiteful. Been there, done that, and it doesn't make the hurt go away.

 

I fell in love with this girl and this hurt, but I'm willing to take responsibility for my part since I should've thought this out better. I was naive, but I didn't do anything maliciously, and maybe she didn't either.

 

Hey man, we all been there where we wanted to believe someone at their words, and then got played/used by them.

 

She lied to you, she is lying to her husband...and she see's nothing wrong with that...that's her character.

 

Your feelings of love are valid; it's going to hurt for a while for you to get over this. Not just to allow your feelings of love to dwindle, but also that the other person used you for her own selfish reasons; she betrayed your trust in her.

 

She is still trying to use you for her own selfish needs, while at the same time taking a royal grand crap on her husband and marriage.

 

This person is a monster; I know you can see that.

[BCCA]

Thanks to everyone for the replies, even the ones I didn't like reading. It sucks, I was really happy, she brightened up my life and made me feel special. Then she made me feel like the most unwanted pile of trash ever, and I couldn't help but wonder what happened.

 

Deep down, though, I know what happened: I let what I wanted to believe cloud my judgment. When viewed in hindsight, it's easy to see red flags that I ignored because I didn't want to see them.

 

I'm at least partially responsible for what happened to me, and it's easy to villainize someone else when things go bad, but I don't see her sitting up thinking up cruel ways to mess with my head and hurt me. It just went crazy, things happened, and it was too late to save me from getting hurt.

 

I've been bitter and done things out of spite that I'm not proud of in the past. At best, you feel good for a split second before realizing that viewed in the most favorable light you're just as big of an ******* as the other person. I'm just going to lick my wounds and walk away, but I'll learn from this and never put myself in a situation like this again.

[Quiet Storms]

It's not really cool to get someone emotionally invested and then back away

 

No, that is NOT cool. It's hurtful.

Edited April 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator