EXTREME COLD FEET-- and my ex-husband isn't making this any easier

[Elisse01]

My wedding is in less than a month and I'm incredibly nervous, with emotions ranging from excitedly looking forward to our future, to extreme anxiety about my ex and wanting to cancel the entire enterprise. This is my second marriage and my engagement period hasn't been nearly as blissful as the first, even though my current SO is much more selfless than my ex. This has more to do with me than with the guys. I entered my first marriage full of faith and certainty that it would last forever-- since my ex had certain qualities that I loved and found hard to find in others (introversion, bookishness, homebody, super romantic), I didn't mind his dark angry side; but I soon learned that forever takes a lot of work and I left-- many issues, including my ex's selfishness, his controlling mother with whom we lived, and how easily he would tell me to "just leave" if I'm not happy. I did, and it has been the longest, most painful breakup ever, which still remains to this day three years later as I realize no matter who I'm with, there will be issues. We are both mature enough to be able to calmly analyze what happened, where we went wrong. This whole time he has asked for me back and to dump my guy, which has kept me in a confused state all through my courtship with my current guy. Yet I have never gone back.

 

My fiancé has qualities that my ex lacks. He's kind and patient with me; doesn't snap all the time by the slightest mistake; helps me carry my grocery bags, takes me to places I want to go (rather than ONLY going to the places he wants to go, as my ex would do), he's fun, selfless, caring, always there for me 100%. However, sometimes I worry that I may not be able to match his energy level down the road because he ALWAYS wants to be doing something, drinks almost every day, whereas I need alone time sometimes, which I'm able to catch up on if I skip work sometimes.

 

With my ex it was the other extreme. I had plenty of alone time with him-- both fortunately and sadly. Since he works weekends, I would spend weekends with my mom, and since I wasn't working at the time I was able to spend some of his days off with him, as he also needed alone time. We'd usually stay home, which I didn't mind, but sometimes I wanted to go out and he didn't.

 

He regrets all of that now and is begging me to cancel the wedding. I don't know what to do. The promise I made to him about being with him forever has a very strong psychological hold on me. Now making a promise to another man takes away that magic for both marriages. I'm sad about having to change my last name from my ex's to my fiancé's. Yet, when I have thought about leaving my fiancé, it hurts my soul also. Please help me to find clarity. My biggest fear is regret. I feel like no matter which way I go there will be pain and regret. HELP.

 

The funny thing is I didn't miss my ex at all when I started dating my current SO. We were separated and never talked. It wasn't until the divorce became official that it hurt most for both of us. With every step toward finality-- from divorce, to engagement, to moving in with fiancé, to now a new marriage-- it has been like a dagger pushed deeper and deeper into our hearts. Yet in spite of all this I just haven't been able to bring myself back to him, to that solitude again. Maybe this is all just temporary emotion caused by the big change. Deep down I feel like my current guy is the ideal partner, but what if it's true that my ex changed? Though it's hard to believe because he changes a lot too.

 

SO CONFUSED.

[mikeylo]

My wedding is in less than a month and I'm incredibly nervous, with emotions ranging from excitedly looking forward to our future, to extreme anxiety about my ex and wanting to cancel the entire enterprise. This is my second marriage and my engagement period hasn't been nearly as blissful as the first, even though my current SO is much more selfless than my ex. This has more to do with me than with the guys. I entered my first marriage full of faith and certainty that it would last forever-- since my ex had certain qualities that I loved and found hard to find in others (introversion, bookishness, homebody, super romantic), I didn't mind his dark angry side; but I soon learned that forever takes a lot of work and I left-- many issues, including my ex's selfishness, his controlling mother with whom we lived, and how easily he would tell me to "just leave" if I'm not happy. I did, and it has been the longest, most painful breakup ever, which still remains to this day three years later as I realize no matter who I'm with, there will be issues. We are both mature enough to be able to calmly analyze what happened, where we went wrong. This whole time he has asked for me back and to dump my guy, which has kept me in a confused state all through my courtship with my current guy. Yet I have never gone back.

 

My fiancé has qualities that my ex lacks. He's kind and patient with me; doesn't snap all the time by the slightest mistake; helps me carry my grocery bags, takes me to places I want to go (rather than ONLY going to the places he wants to go, as my ex would do), he's fun, selfless, caring, always there for me 100%. However, sometimes I worry that I may not be able to match his energy level down the road because he ALWAYS wants to be doing something, drinks almost every day, whereas I need alone time sometimes, which I'm able to catch up on if I skip work sometimes.

 

With my ex it was the other extreme. I had plenty of alone time with him-- both fortunately and sadly. Since he works weekends, I would spend weekends with my mom, and since I wasn't working at the time I was able to spend some of his days off with him, as he also needed alone time. We'd usually stay home, which I didn't mind, but sometimes I wanted to go out and he didn't.

 

He regrets all of that now and is begging me to cancel the wedding. I don't know what to do. The promise I made to him about being with him forever has a very strong psychological hold on me. Now making a promise to another man takes away that magic for both marriages. I'm sad about having to change my last name from my ex's to my fiancé's. Yet, when I have thought about leaving my fiancé, it hurts my soul also. Please help me to find clarity. My biggest fear is regret. I feel like no matter which way I go there will be pain and regret. HELP.

 

The funny thing is I didn't miss my ex at all when I started dating my current SO. We were separated and never talked. It wasn't until the divorce became official that it hurt most for both of us. With every step toward finality-- from divorce, to engagement, to moving in with fiancé, to now a new marriage-- it has been like a dagger pushed deeper and deeper into our hearts. Yet in spite of all this I just haven't been able to bring myself back to him, to that solitude again. Maybe this is all just temporary emotion caused by the big change. Deep down I feel like my current guy is the ideal partner, but what if it's true that my ex changed? Though it's hard to believe because he changes a lot too.

 

SO CONFUSED.

 

If he hasn't then will your current husband -to-be , still be there for you to marry you ? Most likely not.

 

You are not ready for any relationship at the moment.

[Telemachus]

There are no choices in life that do not have consequences and foreclose other opportunities.

 

I see three basic problems in your posting, and you can and should address all three. First, you indicate others' behavior to happen "all the time" and "always." Nobody does something always - it's false and not constructive to characterize things that way. The fact that you believe that someone does something always indicates misperception by you. Leave "always" and "never" out of your conversation - they undermine what else you have to say.

 

Second, you're comparing two men. You're doing this too often and on too many individual characteristics. They're unique individuals, and it's fine to draw conclusions about whether you'll most probably be happy enough with your new husband, and whether he'll be happy enough with you. Leave your ex out of it - you already know that the two men are very different.

 

Third, you take commitments too lightly. You committed to a lifetime together, then you committed to leave him and divorce. Then you committed to marry someone else - you promised to say "yes" at the altar or courthouse, or there wouldn't be a date set. Now, it seems that you're entertaining both breaking the divorce commitment and the engagement commitment. Even if you did that, that wouldn't put you in the position of keeping your original marriage vows. That door closed long ago.

 

Pick a name or keep the one you have now. When you marry, you get a free name change, or you can keep the name you have. So can the groom. If you need to break or renegotiate your commitment to this new marriage, then do it soon, before you are legally wed. If you're serious about following through on this commitment, then do that.

 

Yes, falling in love is much easier than staying in love, than doing what it takes to make it work until death do you part.

Edited April 11, 2017 by Telemachus

[Mr. Lucky]

I did, and it has been the longest, most painful breakup ever, which still remains to this day three years later as I realize no matter who I'm with, there will be issues. We are both mature enough to be able to calmly analyze what happened, where we went wrong. This whole time he has asked for me back and to dump my guy, which has kept me in a confused state all through my courtship with my current guy.

 

There's a word to describe what you're doing - infidelity.

 

Continuing to interact with your ex while you're in a committed, exclusive and now engaged relationship with your fiancee is cheating.

 

Does your partner know the level of your involvement with your ex?

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

Do not marry your fiancé. He doesn't deserve a bride who is comparing him to an ex and trying to decide if she wants him or if she wants her ex. Marrying him when you feel this way would be a cruel and selfish thing for you to do. Call off the wedding and let your fiancé know your true feelings so that he can decide if he wants to spend anymore time being compared to another man.

 

Most of your complaints about your fiancé are silly and indicate that you don't really love him. He's too high energy and you don't want to change your name? Please. You describe him as a wonderful person who is always patient and kind and there for you 100% of the time, but that is not sustainable. He is a human who will have bad days, bad things will happen and he will disappoint you at some point. That is life, it's part of relationships, but I suspect the moment you get disappointed by him you will regret choosing him and you will want your ex. So don't choose him, he doesn't deserve marriage to a woman who has fickle feelings for him from the get go. He deserves a woman who is madly passionately in love with him. A woman who sees him as he one and only and who couldn't even imagine life with another man. Not a woman who marries him because compared to her ex, he came out slightly ahead. Call this fiasco off.

[aileD]

Hey there. Sorry you're having a hard time so close to your wedding, it's got to be really tough.

 

We will always feel a connection to our first loves, first husband on your case. You did love him once enough to commit to him for what you thought would be life.

 

It appears you tried, and he didn't. And that's too bad. It is selfish and unfair of him to come to you now wanting to make up for it. He's not thinking about your feelings at all. You are in turmoil because of him. He's continuing to hurt you.

 

He had his chance, and he lost it. The problems you describe having with your current fiancé are much more easier to fix than the ones you have with your ex---who has already failed you.

 

It's hard to struggle with the committment factor. Yes, you did promise til death do you part. But he didn't honor that. It's okay to let it go.

 

Change is hard. have you talked to your fiancé about your feelings?

 

My suggestion would be to cut off the ex, he's hurting you.

 

Good luck

[anika99]

Also in regards to your state of confusion, off course you are confused. There will always be confusion when trying to pick one of two people because people will always have qualities that appeal to us and flaws that are not so appealing. The problem here is that you are even comparing the two at all. That alone is enough for you to know you can't marry your fiancé. There should be no other man for you to be comparing him to. You will never be ready to marry someone else until your ex is completely out of your heart and mind. Break up with your fiancé and go back to your ex or stay single until you are properly over your ex.

 

I agree with the poster who sees this as infidelity. I don't get the impression that you had any children with your ex so why on earth are you even still talking to him? You don't have to wonder what to do about your fiancé because that part is a no brainer. You have not been loyal or honest with him and you are not devoted to him so you simply have to set him free to find himself a woman who is crazy for him only. Then you have to figure out what you want with your ex. If you want to reconcile then do so. If you don't then cut him out of your life and get counselling to help you grieve the end of your marriage for good. Once you are properly healed then you can entertain the thought of finding a new man to spend your life with.

[BMI03]

There's a word to describe what you're doing - infidelity.

 

Continuing to interact with your ex while you're in a committed, exclusive and now engaged relationship with your fiancee is cheating.

 

Does your partner know the level of your involvement with your ex?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

This is spot on! Do this new man a solid and be honest with him about what you have done. You are emotionally cheating on him and betraying his trust.

 

You made a mistake when you said 'yes' to his proposal. You were not honest with him, and likely not with yourself in that you had not given yourself the emotional time and distance to get over your feelings for your ex.

 

I have been where he is, where your SO tells you just enough about their relationship with their ex for you to be a nice understanding guy and think it's ok, then be punched in the gut and stung with betrayal of trust when you find out that much more emotional energy is going into those talks than what you understood.

 

What you are doing to your SO is unfair, and he has a right to know this information honestly from you before he marries you. Otherwise, he is marrying you under false pretenses and marrying what he thinks you are, not who you actually are. You don't want to start a marriage on a lie like that.

[Elisse01]

Thank you. Yours has been the most compassionate reply so far. You understand how torn I feel, and you gave me your opinion of who I should choose and why.

 

However, everyone's replies have been insightful and led to more reflection and clarity. Keep it coming, good or bad! This is the place to know the truth.

 

Hey there. Sorry you're having a hard time so close to your wedding, it's got to be really tough.

 

We will always feel a connection to our first loves, first husband on your case. You did love him once enough to commit to him for what you thought would be life.

 

It appears you tried, and he didn't. And that's too bad. It is selfish and unfair of him to come to you now wanting to make up for it. He's not thinking about your feelings at all. You are in turmoil because of him. He's continuing to hurt you.

 

He had his chance, and he lost it. The problems you describe having with your current fiancé are much more easier to fix than the ones you have with your ex---who has already failed you.

 

It's hard to struggle with the committment factor. Yes, you did promise til death do you part. But he didn't honor that. It's okay to let it go.

 

Change is hard. have you talked to your fiancé about your feelings?

 

My suggestion would be to cut off the ex, he's hurting you.

 

Good luck

[rester]

This is much more severe than "cold feet". You have unresolved issues with your ex and these issues are going to be worse when you realize you got married only out of fear of telling your fiancé the truth.

 

With only a month left before the wedding I would cancel it ASAP. Save everyone the trouble and expense of going through with it and explain to your fiancé your ex is still in your life and you have mixed feelings about the both of them.

 

At the very least, seek out premarriage couples counseling immediately. A third party and a safe, neutral environment may make it easier for you to tell your fiancé the truth.

[Elisse01]

Telemachus, I never saw it that way. Your Greek logos never fails! I broke my first commitment, and now I'm intending to break the divorce commitment AND the new marriage, with really no guarantee of recovering the old....

 

There are no choices in life that do not have consequences and foreclose other opportunities.

 

I see three basic problems in your posting, and you can and should address all three. First, you indicate others' behavior to happen "all the time" and "always." Nobody does something always - it's false and not constructive to characterize things that way. The fact that you believe that someone does something always indicates misperception by you. Leave "always" and "never" out of your conversation - they undermine what else you have to say.

 

Second, you're comparing two men. You're doing this too often and on too many individual characteristics. They're unique individuals, and it's fine to draw conclusions about whether you'll most probably be happy enough with your new husband, and whether he'll be happy enough with you. Leave your ex out of it - you already know that the two men are very different.

 

Third, you take commitments too lightly. You committed to a lifetime together, then you committed to leave him and divorce. Then you committed to marry someone else - you promised to say "yes" at the altar or courthouse, or there wouldn't be a date set. Now, it seems that you're entertaining both breaking the divorce commitment and the engagement commitment. Even if you did that, that wouldn't put you in the position of keeping your original marriage vows. That door closed long ago.

 

Pick a name or keep the one you have now. When you marry, you get a free name change, or you can keep the name you have. So can the groom. If you need to break or renegotiate your commitment to this new marriage, then do it soon, before you are legally wed. If you're serious about following through on this commitment, then do that.

 

Yes, falling in love is much easier than staying in love, than doing what it takes to make it work until death do you part.

[Elisse01]

This is much more severe than "cold feet". You have unresolved issues with your ex and these issues are going to be worse when you realize you got married only out of fear of telling your fiancé the truth.

 

With only a month left before the wedding I would cancel it ASAP. Save everyone the trouble and expense of going through with it and explain to your fiancé your ex is still in your life and you have mixed feelings about the both of them.

 

At the very least, seek out premarriage couples counseling immediately. A third party and a safe, neutral environment may make it easier for you to tell your fiancé the truth.

 

What if I realize later that I made a huge mistake in leaving such a caring guy? Conversely, I could also regret not going back to my first love and husband.

[BaileyB]

First, I would avoid relationships with people who have a dark angry side... That, should never be overlooked.

 

Second, this is why any person should deal with the baggage from one relationship before beginning another. You are not done with your ex, I feel badly for your current fiancé. It's never good to compare two men. It's also not a good plan to be talking to one man while engaged to another.

 

Would he be talking to you if you were not about to marry another man - that's a very good question. And, would you have cold feet about your marriage if you were not still dealing with your ex...

 

Remember, people always look better with a little time and distance. But when you get back together, you remember all the things that made you leave the relationship...

Unfortunately, I don't think you know what you want which means that you are not ready to commit to anyone right now.

[d0nnivain]

Elisse01

 

 

You need to cancel or at least postpone the wedding. You are not ready to make such a commitment.

 

 

Your EX does not love you. This is just him wanting you because somebody else now wants you. He has not changed. His mother certainly has not changed. If you go back it will simply be more of the same. As soon as he knows he has you, in the face of any conflict or disagreement all you will hear is "leave" just like last time.

 

 

Simply because you already know -- or should know -- that your EX is a bad choice does not default to marrying your FI.

 

 

The level of comparison you are doing; the wistful way you wax on about the good times in your first marriage while seemingly glossing over the bad stuff which didn't outweigh the good the 1st time around; and your fixation on the wrong things (feeling like you broke your vows when you divorced & concerns about changing your last name) tell me you are in no frame of mind to fully commit to a 2nd marriage.

 

 

I'm not saying that you will never be ready. I am also not saying that when you apply the brakes at this late date your FI won't end things permanently but the timing is bad. You are not fully committed to your FI from where I sit because you are too busy romanticizing your 1st marriage. Seriously if your 1st marriage has been any good, you would still BE married. Take off the rose colored glasses & look again.

 

 

Still your FI deserves all of you -- moving forward with him & not looking back.

 

 

The fact that you are talking to your EX at all should send your FI running for the hills. Once he finds out that the EX was trying to talk you into cancelling & getting back with him, your FI will be furious. If you are truly honest & confess to your FI that you seriously considered reconciling with the EX, it wouldn't shock me if your FI bailed. At the very least he needs to be able to make up his own mind about you & your future together armed with ALL the facts, especially these ugly, uncomfortable ones.

 

 

Better you lose the wedding deposit money & disappoint a few people then marry & have to spend money on lawyers to undo this mess.

[anika99]

What if I realize later that I made a huge mistake in leaving such a caring guy? Conversely, I could also regret not going back to my first love and husband.

 

Yes you will have regrets no matter who you choose, because that's what happens when you regard people as objects. You are trying to select a man like one might choose a new dress or an entree from a menu. Which person will care for me the most and do the most for me? No matter who you choose the moment trouble arises you will regret not choosing the other one. You are not truly in love with either man. You are only considering yourself and seem to have no concern or regard for what is good for your fiancé. Do you think he deserves to marry someone who feels as you do? He is a caring guy who cares only for you, does he not deserve a caring woman who only cares for him? It goes without saying that you will have regrets because you only see these men in terms of what they can do for you so the second you are disappointed you will regret your choice. I think you don't love either.

[PegNosePete]

What if I realize later that I made a huge mistake in leaving such a caring guy? Conversely, I could also regret not going back to my first love and husband.

You can play the "what if" game until the cows come home if you like. What if you get hit by a bus tomorrow, or win the lottery? Nobody can see the future, and nobody can change the past. You have to decide what the best choice is, and make the best decision based on the best outcome, with the information you have on hand.

 

Here's the information you have on hand:

• Things didn't work out with your first husband the first time. Do you think they are likely to work out again? I would say it's extremely unlikely.
  
• Do you think you'll be happy with your fiance? Especially considering that you're already considering leaving him, and you're not even married yet! Marriage doesn't suddenly make you more faithful. It's just a (legally binding) piece of paper.
  
• What would you think if your fiance were having a similar dilemma? If he was thinking of leaving you at the altar to go back to his ex? Would you be happy with that? Would you want to marry him if he was talking to his ex behind your back and posting on internet forums asking if he should leave you to be with her?
  

[Elisse01]

First, I would avoid relationships with people who have a dark angry side... That, should never be overlooked.

 

Second, this is why any person should deal with the baggage from one relationship before beginning another. You are not done with your ex, I feel badly for your current fiancé. It's never good to compare two men. It's also not a good plan to be talking to one man while engaged to another.

 

Would he be talking to you if you were not about to marry another man - that's a very good question. And, would you have cold feet about your marriage if you were not still dealing with your ex...

 

Remember, people always look better with a little time and distance. But when you get back together, you remember all the things that made you leave the relationship...

Unfortunately, I don't think you know what you want which means that you are not ready to commit to anyone right now.

 

Well, I'm a firm believer that everyone has a dark side. My ex, my fiancé, you, me. For some it's lust, for others its wrath. So my ex's angry emotional side didn't necessarily dissuade me on its own. Though it is nice to not have to walk on eggshells for fear of angering him.

 

Yes, he would still be here even if I wasn't engaged. He's been trying to get me back ever since we separated. My plan was to go back eventually, but not without having fun first, which I could never do with him. Every time I was about to go back, I couldn't bear to go back to that confinement just yet so I'd postpone. There was a lot of back and forth on both sides too. When he found out I was dating my guy, he thought it was just a fling and said I could go back when I'm done. But there was a lot of anger too. He'd range from saying he never wants to talk to me again to begging me to dump the guy and go back.

 

Now, would I have cold feet if it weren't for my ex? Most likely not. I love my fiancé and my only problem are these psychological chains holding me back to the past.

[d0nnivain]

Yes, he would still be here even if I wasn't engaged. He's been trying to get me back ever since we separated. My plan was to go back eventually, but not without having fun first, which I could never do with him. Every time I was about to go back, I couldn't bear to go back to that confinement just yet so I'd postpone. There was a lot of back and forth on both sides too. When he found out I was dating my guy, he thought it was just a fling and said I could go back when I'm done. But there was a lot of anger too. He'd range from saying he never wants to talk to me again to begging me to dump the guy and go back.

 

Now, would I have cold feet if it weren't for my ex? Most likely not. I love my fiancé and my only problem are these psychological chains holding me back to the past.

 

 

Are you kidding? Your whole plan was always to go back to your EX. In that context you were wrong to ever get serious with your FI. You made it worse by accepting his proposal. Now you are costing everybody money to add insult to injury.

 

 

Do not marry your FI. He deserves better. He's your consolation prize not your plan B. You aren't acknowledging that out of some misguided sense of honoring a commitment you were never free to make.

[Elisse01]

Are you kidding? Your whole plan was always to go back to your EX. In that context you were wrong to ever get serious with your FI. You made it worse by accepting his proposal. Now you are costing everybody money to add insult to injury.

 

 

Do not marry your FI. He deserves better. He's your consolation prize not your plan B. You aren't acknowledging that out of some misguided sense of honoring a commitment you were never free to make.

 

No, that wasn't my whole plan. When I left, I thought it was completely over. It's dragged in much longer because I get tempted by his requests for me to return. I love my fiancé and there are moments when I can't imagine being with anyone else; but when things go wrong, I always wistfully look back, and it doesn't help that my ex says he will always keep his doors open. That's something I will need to work on. However, there were also times when I did want to go back and he would say no, it's too late; or he would requests something sexual that he knows I wouldn't do; then when I feel like I've moved on, book, he texts again that he loves me, that he's heartbroken, that he only said that because he's mad, etc.

[Mr. Lucky]

W My plan was to go back eventually, but not without having fun first, which I could never do with him. Every time I was about to go back, I couldn't bear to go back to that confinement just yet so I'd postpone. There was a lot of back and forth on both sides too. When he found out I was dating my guy, he thought it was just a fling and said I could go back when I'm done. But there was a lot of anger too. He'd range from saying he never wants to talk to me again to begging me to dump the guy and go back.

 

And this is the guy you want to go back to?

 

The one consistent piece of advice you've been given is not to marry your fiancee - or anyone else - in the next 30 days.

 

You're. Simply. Not. Ready...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

No, that wasn't my whole plan. When I left, I thought it was completely over. It's dragged in much longer because I get tempted by his requests for me to return. I love my fiancé and there are moments when I can't imagine being with anyone else; but when things go wrong, I always wistfully look back, and it doesn't help that my ex says he will always keep his doors open. That's something I will need to work on. However, there were also times when I did want to go back and he would say no, it's too late; or he would requests something sexual that he knows I wouldn't do; then when I feel like I've moved on, book, he texts again that he loves me, that he's heartbroken, that he only said that because he's mad, etc.

 

Your ex sounds like a real gem - I can't quite believe that any self respecting woman would look back on that relationship wistfully or consider returning to an unhealthy relationship with a controlling, manipulative, and sexually intimidating man.

 

Your current fiancé deserves more than a partner who has one foot in the door, and one foot out. Do him a big favour and cancel your planned wedding.

 

And you, really need to think about what you want for your life and what is most important in a healthy relationship. Based on what you've described, you Haven't even begun to figure this out yet. But, I will say that it is not your ex husband! The bottom line, you really should not be in any relationship and you are definitely not ready for any kind of serious commitment.

Edited April 13, 2017 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Well, I'm a firm believer that everyone has a dark side. Though it is nice to not have to walk on eggshells for fear of angering him.

 

Totally disagree and has absolutely not been my experience in relationships - with friends, family, and my significant other. But then again, unhealthy and abusive relationships are not my thing...

 

I hope you don't really think that it's normal or acceptable to have to live your life, walking on eggshells for fear of angering the man in your life.

Edited April 13, 2017 by BaileyB

[whatnot]

"Now, would I have cold feet if it weren't for my ex? Most likely not"

 

 

Hypothetical. Can't know.

 

Tell your fiancé' the truth if you have any heart or compassion at all.

 

"Torn between two lovers..." I've never understood that song other than the part about a woman doing 2 men wrong.

[whatnot]

You like to telling yourself one option available to you is to marry this new guy if you desire, and just forget about the old guy. Then everything would be might could be cool with that option.

 

Doesn't work that way. The dynamics you have with this new man carries the baggage of your having the old man as an option. So your "Would I have cold feet were it not for my ex, I think not" is a moot point. Doesn't matter what you think because what you think is based on something that's never happened, never will happen, and cannot happen.

 

You had too much baggage to begin with to commit to marrying this man.

 

 

You have a conscious, or you wouldn't have posted here. Exercise it.

Edited April 16, 2017 by whatnot