Reasons given for betrayal--preventive measures

[Mr Blunt]

Reasons given for betrayal

( by Ruined My Love)

 

1 selfish

2 taking care of others

3 Husband (spouse) ignored me

4 Husband (spouse) talked rude to me

5 I was Depressed and unhappy

6 I was not thinking

 

I see the reasons above given partially or fully for betrayal by many on forums. NONE of them are reasons for betrayal!

 

Since I think that many couples that have been married for years feel and react this way, partial or wholly at times, what can be some good preventive measures to deal with those reasons?

 

I will start by listing just a few of my measures below:

 

1 Selfish…..In the case of being selfish in the form of betrayal of the family, one way is to count the costs. You can cheat and get a sexual or emotional high for a short period but the cost is your loss of self-respect, loss of integrity, damages to your spouse and children, loss of finances, loss of home, Loss of 50% custody of the children, and permanent loss of 100% trust from your spouse. The costs of cheating are so very high and you will lose so much that a sane and balanced person would decide against betrayal IMO

 

 

2 Spouse ignores me and talks rude to me……try communication and counselling by a third party first then if that does not work then do the same back to the spouse, and if that does not work then do not interact much with your spouse, and finally if all else fails then either put up with it or divorce but DO NOT BETRAY! The betrayer will wind up the big loser.

 

 

What are your thoughts?

[understand50]

Mr Blunt,

 

I do not think you can really control the selfish issue. Because, it can come to the front in a second, and when acted on, go away only after the damage was done. I once asked my wife, if she thought about us, just before she got up and took, her OM to her bedroom. She stated, It was what she wanted, and I did not enter into the equation. Afterwords, yes she felt guilty and afraid she had done something to lose me. Then, and only then, did I come back to the front of her thoughts. We are all selfish to some degree, but some of use, can see the consequences if we take things too far. I do not think this lesion can be learned until it happens.

 

As for Ruined My Love, you may remember that she met her OM, and within hours of meeting him was giving him oral sex. I think in her case, plain lust was the the issue, with her being selfish is letting her self go ahead. In any case, it did not take much to have her stray. I think with her, nothing texashunter could have done would have stopped her. The other issue, " Spouse ignores me and talks rude to me" that is just her coming up with reasons to justify herself, nothing else. If being mad at your SO, is all it takes to cheat on them, well you will be a serial cheater.

 

I think in many cases, the WS get primed. In that they are not actively looking to cheat, but are in the mind set, and when something or someone comes along, act on their impulses. I do not know if Ruined My Love, would have cheated with the first willing good looking guy that came along, or if this was the only one that she could have done this with, but she should be honest with Texas Hunter on this question. My own opinion, with little evidence, is that she was primed, and the OM was just the first opportunity that came along and asked her for sex.

 

My two cents....

[Whoknew30]

Is it selfish to have an A 100%. Is the actual action the WS fault 100%.

 

But a BS can be extremely selfish too..& that can make an relationship vulnerable for A.

 

Examples of BS selfishness...gains a ton of weight & becomes lazy (not due to medical issues it just bc) that's selfish to a spouse. Not having sex with their spouse regularly, Blowing off any communication they trying to have about issues.

 

Every A situation is different...are some people a 100% selfish & would cheat no matter what, of course...but a lot of people wouldn't have just got up & cheated had they had a strong relationship. I know the argument "we'll just a get a divorce then" but most couples servive infidelity.

 

I'm not taking the blame from the actual WS away at all...I'm just stating sometimes a BS can make a marriage wide open for an A. Not every WS is a demon & not every BS is a saint that didn't contribute to the breakdown of their marriage at that time.

[NTV]

I know exactly what I did that caused my ww to cheat. I married the wrong person.

[BenchCoach]

Don't think you can really stave off an affair. What counts is in the aftermath, in my opinion... how you go about resolving the issue.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It is on each person in the relationship to conduct themselves as an adult and not a child (he pulled my hair, she took the last candy, he looked at me funny, she smells).

 

An adult owns their behaviour/responses wholly....no exceptions. It is never followed with a "but they did that first".

 

Infidelity is a grievous violation of the emotional, physical, mental, familial, self-esteem/worth, respect to the betrayed party.

 

It is the party that is involved/thinking of getting involved that is opening the door to an affair.....not the unsuspecting BS.

 

The onus is ALWAYS oneself to not open themselves up to an affair. Adults know full well when they are crossing lines. A child's mentality makes excuses for it.

[Gemma1]

I know exactly what I did that caused my ww to cheat. I married the wrong person.

 

I think there is more insight here than in many 10 page threads in this forum.

 

Almost all of the people I know who cheat on their partners do it because they simply don't value monogamy very much. They say they do, because that's what's expected of them and I think subconsciously they know it will be hard to find a partner if they don't. Our culture pushes monogamy, it's really the only widely socially acceptable relationship strategy. But many people just don't really value it in their "heart of hearts." So, they cheat. Maybe in the beginning they convinced themselves that they would be able to stick to the monogamous system, but a lot of them just know they'll cheat from the beginning. It doesn't necessarily make them bad people. I know a lot of guys like this who are great people, wonderful friends, and otherwise very loyal. They just can't be honest with themselves or with their partners for whatever reason. Sad for all involved.

[Mr Blunt]

By Unerstand50

I once asked my wife, if she thought about us, just before she got up and took, her OM to her bedroom. She stated, It was what she wanted, and I did not enter into the equation. Afterwords, yes she felt guilty and afraid she had done something to lose me. Then, and only then, did I come back to the front of her thoughts. We are all selfish to some degree, but some of use, can see the consequences if we take things too far. I do not think this lesion can be learned until it happens.

 

She stated, It was what she wanted, and I did not enter into the equation

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

Understand50, if she entered into the equation the consequences below what do you think she would have done?

 

 

The cost is your loss of self-respect, loss of integrity, damages to your spouse and children, loss of finances, loss of home, Loss of 50% custody of the children, and permanent loss of 100% trust from your spouse.

 

I agree that if your wife does not enter anything into the equation that she would have to learn after she commits the betrayal, gets caught, and pays the consequences. My point was that if someone reads the many posts on this forum, or ones like this, they cannot miss the point that the consequences are going to be horrible. That may give them pause on having their ego and/or sexual organs tickled.

[Mr Blunt]

By BenchCoach

Don't think you can really stave off an affair.

 

By Blunt

In some cases you are right. However, I have staved off an affair because of the consequences. I doubt that I am the only one that has done that. Has anyone else not gotten into an affair because they thought of the consequences?

Edited April 12, 2017 by Mr Blunt

[JustJoe]

Consequences....are what happens to the other guy/gal....never what happens to me.....right?

[Arieswoman]

Mr Blunt,

I think I have said this before on LS but I'll say it again.

 

There is only one sure-fire way to stop your Significant Other cheating and that is to lock them in the cellar and push bread and water under the door at intervals.

 

Cheating is a personal choice of the person who does it. There are no excuses/reasons/explanations that stand up to any scrutiny.

 

When I asked my WS why he used our bed/home to entertain his AP he said "because we wanted somewhere to be together".

 

So there you have it. ^^ Complete and utter selfishness and total lack of empathy.

 

Boy I am sooooo glad I divorced him !

[seren]

I think most of the BS I read about and listen to thought their marriage was bomb proof. We thought we had an agreement with our partner, that if there were problems we would talk about them. I read it over and over from people who haven't experienced an affair that their partner would never do that, they had agreed to talk, yes, well we all did.

 

For those of us who were married, we made a vow or contract to be monogamous and we believed the other valued that as much as we did. None of us signed up to have the label BS. I see people try to say the BS made the marriage vulnerable, I would say that the marriage and the problems therein are experienced by both the people in that marriage, that not talking about it, making excuses or lying when asked if there was a problem are the start of the marriage breaking down. But, not for an affair, an affair is how one person deals with their issues, for sure some people fall out of love and in love with another. An affair isn't the answer, leaving the marriage is, if it cannot be fixed and if the person isn't in love with their spouse. But, as affairs are secretive it is difficult for the BS to address the issues that the WS has.

 

I know many long term, seemingly wonderful marriages suffer an A, mine being one of them. Could I have done anything to prevent it? I could have made H talk about his issues, tried asking and believed the stressed excuse for his new behaviour, but, honestly, no, I was as blindsided as the next person. It is usually only after the affair, when the married couple speak honestly, that both see where the marriage started eroding, being taken for granted and only then can steps be taken to ensure it doesn't happen again. But that takes true honesty, warts and all and while it can be painful to hear some things, nothing is as painful as dealing with the aftermath an affair creates.

[road]

Don't think you can really stave off an affair. What counts is in the aftermath, in my opinion... how you go about resolving the issue.

 

You can by living life with proper boundaries. First one to not

cross is no opposite sex friends.

[road]

Mr Blunt,

I think I have said this before on LS but I'll say it again.

 

There is only one sure-fire way to stop your Significant Other cheating and that is to lock them in the cellar and push bread and water under the door at intervals.

 

Cheating is a personal choice of the person who does it. There are no excuses/reasons/explanations that stand up to any scrutiny.

 

When I asked my WS why he used our bed/home to entertain his AP he said "because we wanted somewhere to be together".

 

So there you have it. ^^ Complete and utter selfishness and total lack of empathy.

 

Boy I am sooooo glad I divorced him !

 

 

What an extremist. Bare foot and chained to the stove is good enough

action to take.

[Texashunter]

One thing I keep hearing is that the BS has to take responsibility for his part in the leading to the affair. I've tried thinking about this for awhile now I have to say..there isn't a dang thing a BS did to deserve it..unless they are beating them, on drugs or even an drunk..but even then that not a reason. As for me, I knew we were having issues but nothing that would say affair could happen from it. Just basic arguments that all couple have..cleaning and helping more. We talked about it and I tried to pick up the slack of these thing and still maintain the butt load of other things that I did for my family. I also worked hard on trying to fix us and show/tell her how much she meant to me. She had no lack of things I read are reasons that lead to or help keep the affair going. I believe she simply wanted out of the marriage but without having to lose the security of what our marriage provided. The truth is that she had no intent of killing the affair on her own proves she no longer wanted the marriage nor was she gone by to act on the idea of fixing it. She stated she wanted to fix the marriage but didn't know how to. Which is simply bs she feed herself. She thought that with time the marriage would just fix itself and she would just keep good by on till it did so...which we all know that nothing fixes itself without effort. It was only after being 100% caught did everything come crashing down and then she decided that she wanted her marriage and to be loved. See for me I feel they never wanted the BS..It only seems when they get caught that they feel these things for the BS..but is it real or just the fear that now they lose everything. For her the AP just stopped emailing her and left her. She says she was glad because she had wantednover but that she did nothing to end it herself. She wanted him to end it..other wise she would have let it keep going as long as he wanted her. What can one do to help prevent it? Well not a dang thing! Once they have it in their head that it's ok and isn't going to hurt anyone as long as they don't find out they will go full speed ahead. Being caught is the only 100%bway to break that train of thought...You can do absolutely everything in the world to stop/ prevent it but the truth is this there is nothing you can do..it's like being a kids and seeing your favorite candy.. you will do what ever it takes to get it..you will love it and enjoy it for the time..you don't worry about your mom kicking your but because she's at work and how can she find out? But we all know that they will find out at some point and then all hell will come down..that's when it hits you and you start Crying and saying your sorry..you knew what you were doing and why..but you just can't admit it to yourself or to your mom. But at this post by its to late and you can't put the candy back.. so in the end, you just can't do anything to stop it..she made me believe that we were fine and happy..we were safe and I shouldn't worry. When you feel safe with another person like that I feel you are doomed for crap like this to happen. To trust someone fully and believe that they will be faithful is all a fools dream. I made the affair happen because I put to much faith in her and gave her to much safety..she believed that I would always be here and never leave her. So she went out to play without any fear of what would happen to me or children..

 

Try as one may, there is no sure way to prevent. Only thing one can do is guard themself enough to not let the spouse feel that they are fully safe. I think if they fear that you could walk away from them just as quickly as they could it would make them think about the consequences of making a move to have an affair..for most of us it too late

[Texashunter]

You can by living life with proper boundaries. First one to not

cross is no opposite sex friends.

 

You can set all the boundaries you want but they don't matter if the other person respects them to not cross them. I had really only one..don't cheat..and well that was their favorite one to cross and then some.

[Whoknew30]

I think most of the BS I read about and listen to thought their marriage was bomb proof. We thought we had an agreement with our partner, that if there were problems we would talk about them. I read it over and over from people who haven't experienced an affair that their partner would never do that, they had agreed to talk, yes, well we all did.

 

For those of us who were married, we made a vow or contract to be monogamous and we believed the other valued that as much as we did. None of us signed up to have the label BS. I see people try to say the BS made the marriage vulnerable, I would say that the marriage and the problems therein are experienced by both the people in that marriage, that not talking about it, making excuses or lying when asked if there was a problem are the start of the marriage breaking down. But, not for an affair, an affair is how one person deals with their issues, for sure some people fall out of love and in love with another. An affair isn't the answer, leaving the marriage is, if it cannot be fixed and if the person isn't in love with their spouse. But, as affairs are secretive it is difficult for the BS to address the issues that the WS has.

 

I know many long term, seemingly wonderful marriages suffer an A, mine being one of them. Could I have done anything to prevent it? I could have made H talk about his issues, tried asking and believed the stressed excuse for his new behaviour, but, honestly, no, I was as blindsided as the next person. It is usually only after the affair, when the married couple speak honestly, that both see where the marriage started eroding, being taken for granted and only then can steps be taken to ensure it doesn't happen again. But that takes true honesty, warts and all and while it can be painful to hear some things, nothing is as painful as dealing with the aftermath an affair creates.

 

I personally have seen situations to where if the couple hadn't faced infidelity yet, I knew that's were they were headed. I've not been wrong once...literally not once.

 

I've seen BS that make their marriage ripe for A & as much as one can't blame themselves for someone else's action, sometimes it can be their fault for the breakdown of their own relationship.

 

If I can hang out with a couple & see they're headed that way. Where's the BS, you don't just buy a plant & assume it will thrive without any real effort. A lot of people do that, get married thinking that's all you have to do, get married & you'll be together forever, not realizing they stopped working at it.

 

I see people always say (obviously) that it's always the WS fault, their action is their fault but I've seen personally that the actual relationship sucked & not every time it was just bc of the WS cheating.

 

example...there's a woman out of school my group right now, her husband left her for another woman. Now I had called this & no believed me "they have the perfect marriage"...of course we kick in for her & after 6 months, not only does everyone understand why her husband did it, they're all on his side secretly...its not really easy to get a group of married women to say they would have done the same to her...& many of the younger mom's even said watching her has taught them never to judge someone for having an A.

 

After Dday can suck...but what does it mean that more people reconcile than divorce after A...of it's the absolutely worst thing, wouldn't everyone get divorced?

 

I understand anyone that gets a divorce, thinking it's the worst thing but I think it's a little hypocritical of a BS to say it's the worst thing ever & stay.

[Midwestmissy]

When wh was in the affair (and I was confused but unaware), his therapist told him to try to feel the spark with me by doing things with me. The only thing it accomp,ished was the mow upping her game and me setting myself up to lose. She was aware of what was going on, I wasn't. Totally humiliating in retrospect. We talked about recently and he sees how degrading it was to put me in that position - we'd be at a romantic dinner, I'd go to the ladies room and he'd text the mow - and wonder why he wasn't feeling it with me. Poor little kielbasa.

 

He ended it with her when I moved to the beach for the summer with the kids. He had the run of our house, and 600 miles between us. But with one leg of the triangle gone, the thrill was gone as well. She thought they'd romp all summer, and he realized that wasn't what he wanted, the thrill was gone. So stupid, right? It was just 6 months or so, but oh the damage.

 

My pain, my kids pain, my suspicions - nothing stopped him until he no longer wanted to be with the mow anymore. He told himself that he didn't feel the spark with me, blamed that on me, when the truth was he wasn't truly present in our marriage and therefore incapable of feeling anything. He sees that he was 100% responsible for every problem starting with the day he and the mow crossed the professional boundary. And from that point on, I became the symbol of everything horrible that he was doing and had become, which made it easier to justify the cheating. All I did was remind him, unknowingly, that he was a tool. The only thing that would have stopped him was having the meatballs to tell her and himself that their conversations were out of line. But for some reason, he felt that wasn't "manly". Being the guy who said "yes" after all the men who had said "no" to her didn't seem offensive to him at the time. He decided it was flattering, real, and that he deserved it.

[Spring23]

When wh was in the affair (and I was confused but unaware), his therapist told him to try to feel the spark with me by doing things with me. The only thing it accomp,ished was the mow upping her game and me setting myself up to lose. She was aware of what was going on, I wasn't. Totally humiliating in retrospect. We talked about recently and he sees how degrading it was to put me in that position - we'd be at a romantic dinner, I'd go to the ladies room and he'd text the mow - and wonder why he wasn't feeling it with me. Poor little kielbasa.

 

He ended it with her when I moved to the beach for the summer with the kids. He had the run of our house, and 600 miles between us. But with one leg of the triangle gone, the thrill was gone as well. She thought they'd romp all summer, and he realized that wasn't what he wanted, the thrill was gone. So stupid, right? It was just 6 months or so, but oh the damage.

 

My pain, my kids pain, my suspicions - nothing stopped him until he no longer wanted to be with the mow anymore. He told himself that he didn't feel the spark with me, blamed that on me, when the truth was he wasn't truly present in our marriage and therefore incapable of feeling anything. He sees that he was 100% responsible for every problem starting with the day he and the mow crossed the professional boundary. And from that point on, I became the symbol of everything horrible that he was doing and had become, which made it easier to justify the cheating. All I did was remind him, unknowingly, that he was a tool. The only thing that would have stopped him was having the meatballs to tell her and himself that their conversations were out of line. But for some reason, he felt that wasn't "manly". Being the guy who said "yes" after all the men who had said "no" to her didn't seem offensive to him at the time. He decided it was flattering, real, and that he deserved it.

 

I guess being with her was only fun if it was "bad." I wonder if that's how most men feel with the OW.

[understand50]

By Unerstand50

I once asked my wife, if she thought about us, just before she got up and took, her OM to her bedroom. She stated, It was what she wanted, and I did not enter into the equation. Afterwords, yes she felt guilty and afraid she had done something to lose me. Then, and only then, did I come back to the front of her thoughts. We are all selfish to some degree, but some of use, can see the consequences if we take things too far. I do not think this lesion can be learned until it happens.

 

She stated, It was what she wanted, and I did not enter into the equation

 

By Blunt

Understand50, if she entered into the equation the consequences below what do you think she would have done?

 

 

The cost is your loss of self-respect, loss of integrity, damages to your spouse and children, loss of finances, loss of home, Loss of 50% custody of the children, and permanent loss of 100% trust from your spouse.

 

I agree that if your wife does not enter anything into the equation that she would have to learn after she commits the betrayal, gets caught, and pays the consequences. My point was that if someone reads the many posts on this forum, or ones like this, they cannot miss the point that the consequences are going to be horrible. That may give them pause on having their ego and/or sexual organs tickled.

 

Mr. Blunt,

 

I am going to modify your consequences a bit to fit my story, but your main idea is sound. My wife at the time was my Girlfriend, and the potential consequence was losing me as her boy friend. At the time of her ONS, she just did not care, or she just wanted what she wanted to do. If she had put some thought into it, I am sure she would not have had ONS. That is the issue, in her case she did not see anything but getting laid, and that is what she wanted right then and there.

 

She did feel cheap, and did feel guilty, and that is why she confessed to me, as soon as we were face to face. She did have to pay a price, but not the same a a married women with kids and a family. If cheaters could stop and think what they could lose, I am sure many would not start. The problem is humans tend to get cought up in the moment, and do not think ahead. I do not know how to prevent against this. I know I have been successful in not falling into this trap. BTW, I am talking about the type of affairs, where the WS does kind of blunder into it, not the cold blooded WS that sets out to cheat, or cheating is just part of their makeup.

 

That also brings up a point. I think your idea has much more merit, when you talk about he WS, that does have time to think about the consequences of their actions, and are clear headed. The WS, that gets drunk and winds up in bed with someone, is in a different category, then the sober, clear head WS that sets out to cheat. The sober clear head WS just does not care, while the drunk WS can at least point to the fact they were not thinking clearly.

 

My two cents.

[understand50]

When wh was in the affair (and I was confused but unaware), his therapist told him to try to feel the spark with me by doing things with me. The only thing it accomp,ished was the mow upping her game and me setting myself up to lose. She was aware of what was going on, I wasn't. Totally humiliating in retrospect. We talked about recently and he sees how degrading it was to put me in that position - we'd be at a romantic dinner, I'd go to the ladies room and he'd text the mow - and wonder why he wasn't feeling it with me. Poor little kielbasa.

 

He ended it with her when I moved to the beach for the summer with the kids. He had the run of our house, and 600 miles between us. But with one leg of the triangle gone, the thrill was gone as well. She thought they'd romp all summer, and he realized that wasn't what he wanted, the thrill was gone. So stupid, right? It was just 6 months or so, but oh the damage.

 

My pain, my kids pain, my suspicions - nothing stopped him until he no longer wanted to be with the mow anymore. He told himself that he didn't feel the spark with me, blamed that on me, when the truth was he wasn't truly present in our marriage and therefore incapable of feeling anything. He sees that he was 100% responsible for every problem starting with the day he and the mow crossed the professional boundary. And from that point on, I became the symbol of everything horrible that he was doing and had become, which made it easier to justify the cheating. All I did was remind him, unknowingly, that he was a tool. The only thing that would have stopped him was having the meatballs to tell her and himself that their conversations were out of line. But for some reason, he felt that wasn't "manly". Being the guy who said "yes" after all the men who had said "no" to her didn't seem offensive to him at the time. He decided it was flattering, real, and that he deserved it.

 

Midwestmissy,

 

I wonder if your WH, told himself, that this was fun, but I will go up to and right to the line of Sex but not cross it. Of course, when the line is there, it got crossed. I wonder how many affairs start in this vain. I am going to flirt, but only that.

 

I wish you luck....

[understand50]

After Dday can suck...but what does it mean that more people reconcile than divorce after A...of it's the absolutely worst thing, wouldn't everyone get divorced?

 

I understand anyone that gets a divorce, thinking it's the worst thing but I think it's a little hypocritical of a BS to say it's the worst thing ever & stay.

 

Whoknew,

 

You do have a point, about those BS, who had a bad marriage, or were making their marriage bad, and then are a bit surprised that their spouse had an affair. Both must try and see clearly how the marriage was before the cheating started, but we find here that many WS make up, or see their situation as bad to justify their actions. Cheating, just puts gas on to the fire, and as infidelity is such a betrayal, it tends to overshadow everything that went before. What went before, get buried, and remains unresolved. Part of reconciliation is to work on all problems, along with the loss of trust and the hurt and pain from the cheating.

 

As for why some can set aside infidelity and reconcile, each BS and each couple will have their reasons. It is a hugely bad thing to happen to you, and it will color your marriage and life going forward. Some can forgive this, and then work to rebuild the relationship, and some just cant. Add Kids and other reasons, and you then have why some stay together. I do not think divorce solves as mush as everyone thinks, some just are still in love and that love can prevail.

 

My two cents.

[Furious]

Yikes....not buying the excuse that cheating can be blamed on losing looks, gaining weight, or everyday hurdles in a marriage. Cheaters are not exclusive to to being overweight, lazy and passive aggressive.

 

Most often cheating is about the cheater. It could be a cultural thing, it could be someone who is fearful of being single and therefore needs a replacement before ending a marriage. It could be someone who is passive aggressive and an affair is a silent FU revenge. It could be someone who likes the stability of marriage but feels entitled to a one sided open marriage.

 

The thing is cheating is very simple, you don't need to be a model or a genius to cheat. There's always someone out there who will gladly sign up to be the OM or OW, but's that another kettle of fish.

 

What it really comes down to is character, and character is determined by not what you do when people are watching but what you do when no one is watching. To cheat, it requires the ability to lie and the ability to deceive.

A person of character feels awful lying, a person of character will try to fix it or leave it.

[Midwestmissy]

In the state of mind wh was in at the time, it was less fun than running away. He was a toddler sticking his fingers in his ears. As for crossing the line, moving the goalposts for every kick justifies each decision. Denying the game is on is rule number one.

 

Once the line was crossed, the sex became the currency in their transactions, not the reason. She made herself available and was validated when he said yes. He said yes and got his ego fix. If she didn't offer, she wasn't 'winning'. If he said no, he didn't get to hear how awesome he was. They were both totally screwed up.

 

It's been over for almost 4 yrs and she stills emails him. So using sex and flattery for validation and to get attention still seems to be her thing. Keep in mind we are all around 50 and have 7 kids between us. Brilliant stuff.

[Whoknew30]

Yikes....not buying the excuse that cheating can be blamed on losing looks, gaining weight, or everyday hurdles in a marriage. Cheaters are not exclusive to to being overweight, lazy and passive aggressive.

 

Most often cheating is about the cheater. It could be a cultural thing, it could be someone who is fearful of being single and therefore needs a replacement before ending a marriage. It could be someone who is passive aggressive and an affair is a silent FU revenge. It could be someone who likes the stability of marriage but feels entitled to a one sided open marriage.

 

The thing is cheating is very simple, you don't need to be a model or a genius to cheat. There's always someone out there who will gladly sign up to be the OM or OW, but's that another kettle of fish.

 

What it really comes down to is character, and character is determined by not what you do when people are watching but what you do when no one is watching. To cheat, it requires the ability to lie and the ability to deceive.

A person of character feels awful lying, a person of character will try to fix it or leave it.

 

It's not about "losing looks" or gaining weight.

 

It's about marrying a person one fell in love with & they turn into something different. What kind of character is it to think just bc one gets married they can turn into a completely different person of what their spouse married & think there won't be any issues or it doesn't open up the marriage to difficulty.

 

Lack of character comes in all different forms & a BS can very much lack character also...let's say someone is cheated on, & they had a very big part of the relationship kind of falling apart but won't admit it bc they place all blame on their WS...how will they ever be in another successful relationship if they can't see their own issues?

 

Haven't you've met someone that says "they always get cheated on" but never take a look to what they're doing wrong to they keep ending up in the position.