Reasons given for betrayal--preventive measures

[BluesPower]

One thing I keep hearing is that the BS has to take responsibility for his part in the leading to the affair. I've tried thinking about this for awhile now I have to say..there isn't a dang thing a BS did to deserve it..unless they are beating them, on drugs or even an drunk..but even then that not a reason.

 

This has been some of your problem TH from the beginning...

 

If someone said that, and it does not matter who, they are a moron.

 

The BS is never, ever, ever responsible for the WS's choice to have an affair. That is ridicules.

 

It is always the WS CHOICE to have an affair, it is never the fault of the BS.

 

Now the BS is responsible for issues in the marriage, and they are responsible for 50% of those, but the are never in any way responsible for the affair.

 

How are you doing be the way, Keep updating you Thread TexasHunter...

[Furious]

It's not about "losing looks" or gaining weight.

 

It's about marrying a person one fell in love with & they turn into something different. What kind of character is it to think just bc one gets married they can turn into a completely different person of what their spouse married & think there won't be any issues or it doesn't open up the marriage to difficulty.

 

Lack of character comes in all different forms & a BS can very much lack character also...let's say someone is cheated on, & they had a very big part of the relationship kind of falling apart but won't admit it bc they place all blame on their WS...how will they ever be in another successful relationship if they can't see their own issues?

 

Haven't you've met someone that says "they always get cheated on" but never take a look to what they're doing wrong to they keep ending up in the position.

 

Blaming someone for your own lack of character is an oxymoron. No one can make anyone cheat...period.

 

If a spouse has changed so much into something different that's life and does not qualify or justify one's own character.

 

Fix it or leave it. At the end of the day wherever you go there you are.

[somanymistakes]

It's not about "losing looks" or gaining weight.

 

It's about marrying a person one fell in love with & they turn into something different. What kind of character is it to think just bc one gets married they can turn into a completely different person of what their spouse married & think there won't be any issues or it doesn't open up the marriage to difficulty.

 

It requires a very immature mind with no grasp of consequences to think that upon marrying someone they will stay the same forever.

 

Everyone ages. Everyone changes. Some of those changes are predictable. Some of them aren't.

 

Obviously I have great sympathy for anyone who got married to someone who was lying about their true nature and changed immediately as soon as they had the ring and the legal rights, and there are both men and women who have done that to their spouses.

 

But change happens. That's part of the idea of the standard Christian wedding vows, to remind you that you're supposed to stand by each other THROUGH those changes, richer or poorer.

 

Sometimes you can't. Sometimes the person you married turns out to be a false image, or changes so much that you are no longer able to keep up your end of the original agreement. So what do you do? You talk about it, you try to reach a new understanding, and if all else fails, you break up.

 

Now, of course no one's perfect and people do stupid stuff, and being an ******* to your spouse or withdrawing affection or whatever does encourage them in the direction of cheating. But they didn't have to. They could have handled the problem better.

 

Haven't you've met someone that says "they always get cheated on" but never take a look to what they're doing wrong to they keep ending up in the position.

 

What they're doing wrong is probably dating jerks.

[Furious]

Is it selfish to have an A 100%. Is the actual action the WS fault 100%.

 

But a BS can be extremely selfish too..& that can make an relationship vulnerable for A.

 

Examples of BS selfishness...gains a ton of weight & becomes lazy (not due to medical issues it just bc) that's selfish to a spouse. Not having sex with their spouse regularly, Blowing off any communication they trying to have about issues.

 

Sincerely, as you are both a BS and WS, were you lazy, overweight and not giving your husband enough sex to cause your husband to cheat on you?

[DKT3]

This has been some of your problem TH from the beginning...

 

If someone said that, and it does not matter who, they are a moron.

 

The BS is never, ever, ever responsible for the WS's choice to have an affair. That is ridicules.

 

It is always the WS CHOICE to have an affair, it is never the fault of the BS.

 

Now the BS is responsible for issues in the marriage, and they are responsible for 50% of those, but the are never in any way responsible for the affair.

 

How are you doing be the way, Keep updating you Thread TexasHunter...

 

Absolutely no responsible. No matter what sideways excuse people like who knew makes. No one is ripe for an affair, they are just unhappy people with bad boundaries and poor coping skills. Everyone ever married has been unhappy yet only 25% have affairs. We're one ripe for an affair it would be 100%. Because, the argument can be made we all are at some point.

 

My wife doesn't have sex for two weeks, does that make me ripe for an affair?

 

I work 75 hours/wk to buy her a dream house, but have little time to spend with her, down that make her ripe for an affair?

 

Chit happens, life happens, what separates WS from BS is one has the ability to cope with life changes and the other doesn't.

[Whoknew30]

Absolutely no responsible. No matter what sideways excuse people like who knew makes. No one is ripe for an affair, they are just unhappy people with bad boundaries and poor coping skills. Everyone ever married has been unhappy yet only 25% have affairs. We're one ripe for an affair it would be 100%. Because, the argument can be made we all are at some point.

 

My wife doesn't have sex for two weeks, does that make me ripe for an affair?

 

I work 75 hours/wk to buy her a dream house, but have little time to spend with her, down that make her ripe for an affair?

 

Chit happens, life happens, what separates WS from BS is one has the ability to cope with life changes and the other doesn't.

 

It depends on what you & your wife have spoke about.

 

Example...if not having sex do two weeks is really an issues & you go to speak to her about it & she continually puts your needs aside & cuts off communication about your issue or acts as your issues is not important to her...after awhile, absolutely would make the marriage ripe for an A.

 

Now if you had an A,the action is 100% on you but the breakdown of the relationship would be your W fault (in the example given) bc you actively tried to fix what's wrong.

 

Breaking down of a relationship can be a BS fault for sure.

 

So let's say you cheat, get divorced & your W blames it all you. She'd move on without taking a look at herself, never understand her wrongs & continue to do the same in different relationships...& you being taking a 100% blame for the failed marriage, would probably move on to understand your faults &

 

Now a reconciled couple would both own their own actions to why it got to that point (or at least should)...no a BS does not hold responsibility for the cheating but surely they don't get off in every situation over a broken relationship.

[Whoknew30]

Absolutely no responsible. No matter what sideways excuse people like who knew makes. No one is ripe for an affair, they are just unhappy people with bad boundaries and poor coping skills. Everyone ever married has been unhappy yet only 25% have affairs. We're one ripe for an affair it would be 100%. Because, the argument can be made we all are at some point.

 

My wife doesn't have sex for two weeks, does that make me ripe for an affair?

 

I work 75 hours/wk to buy her a dream house, but have little time to spend with her, down that make her ripe for an affair?

 

Chit happens, life happens, what separates WS from BS is one has the ability to cope with life changes and the other doesn't.

 

Blaming someone for your own lack of character is an oxymoron. No one can make anyone cheat...period.

 

If a spouse has changed so much into something different that's life and does not qualify or justify one's own character.

 

Fix it or leave it. At the end of the day wherever you go there you are.

 

 

Who's blaming? I've stated that cheating is 100% the fault of the WS but that doesn't mean the breakdown of the marriage wasn't bc of the BS.

 

Also if a BS gets cheated on but was the main part of the relationship breakdown & doesn't take ownership on their part...their doing themselves a major disservice in life bc no relationship will ever be good if they can't own their own issues...you're saying as of every BS has great character bc they didn't cheat. I can name you off a million different things that are lack of character.

 

I personally don't put people into one category based on one action...that's extremely surface to me...it always deeper. Seems extremely closed minded.

[aileD]

I take full responsibility for my part in the problems in our marriage that made it vulnerable to an affair. However I take absolutely no responsibility in my husband's choice to break our vows and actually have an affair.

[DKT3]

I take full responsibility for my part in the problems in our marriage that made it vulnerable to an affair. However I take absolutely no responsibility in my husband's choice to break our vows and actually have an affair.

 

No, your actions didn't make your marriage vulnerable to his affair, you could have those exact same actions with thousands of different men who wouldn't respond by cheating. You contributed​to a bad marriage but so did he and you didn't cheat. So there is more to than the state of the marriage.

 

Whoknew, you're talking something different. If a couple wants to reconcile after an affair, it's important that all prior issue are put on the table to be worked through.

 

HOWEVER, those prior issue are not WHY the WS cheated. Cheating is a individual activity within the marriage no matter how much they want to blame. Unless I actually placed the OM p in my wife's v her affair was a stand alone activity outside the scope of the other issues. Had she chose divorce then I would say I was responsible for that.

 

Divorce is unfortunate, but for those of us with kids while painful its something that shows them a healthy way to get out of a bad situation. Affairs have no teaching value and set as has an example for our kids as any extremely selfish act there is. Going dark for a second, but it's the leading cause of murdered women in the US, some combination of OW, MW, BW. Nothing to be learned there.

[somanymistakes]

The leading cause of murdered women, sadly, is jealous and controlling men. Quite often there is no affair involved at all... and often, it's after the woman officially leaves him that he kills her. Leaving is the most dangerous time.

 

It's still better to divorce than have an affair but if we bring murder into the picture suddenly divorce is pretty scary.

[wmacbride]

I take full responsibility for my part in the problems in our marriage that made it vulnerable to an affair. However I take absolutely no responsibility in my husband's choice to break our vows and actually have an affair.

 

The only person who is responsible for their actions is themselves.

 

The contribution of the bs to the state of the marriage is certainly an important issue that needs to be addressed.

 

The A is separate. This is why you can't affair proof a marriage. All you can do is be the best husband or wife you can be.

[wmacbride]

The leading cause of murdered women, sadly, is jealous and controlling men. Quite often there is no affair involved at all... and often, it's after the woman officially leaves him that he kills her. Leaving is the most dangerous time.

 

It's still better to divorce than have an affair but if we bring murder into the picture suddenly divorce is pretty scary.

 

Having an A can also lead to murder.

 

If a a marriage is so bad that the woman is scared of being hurt or killed, she needs to get out NOW. Not have an affair and drag it out, keeping herself in harms way.

 

the same is true for men who are being abused by their wives. No one should stay and endure that.

[Whoknew30]

No, your actions didn't make your marriage vulnerable to his affair, you could have those exact same actions with thousands of different men who wouldn't respond by cheating. You contributed​to a bad marriage but so did he and you didn't cheat. So there is more to than the state of the marriage.

 

Whoknew, you're talking something different. If a couple wants to reconcile after an affair, it's important that all prior issue are put on the table to be worked through.

 

HOWEVER, those prior issue are not WHY the WS cheated. Cheating is a individual activity within the marriage no matter how much they want to blame. Unless I actually placed the OM p in my wife's v her affair was a stand alone activity outside the scope of the other issues. Had she chose divorce then I would say I was responsible for that.

 

Divorce is unfortunate, but for those of us with kids while painful its something that shows them a healthy way to get out of a bad situation. Affairs have no teaching value and set as has an example for our kids as any extremely selfish act there is. Going dark for a second, but it's the leading cause of murdered women in the US, some combination of OW, MW, BW. Nothing to be learned there.

 

In the psychology world...there's a philosophy of "how to make your marriage A proof"...so what you're saying is that the whole psychology department that teaches this, is wrong? Priests, therapists, psychologists & psychiatrists all push for premarital counciling on the basis to help marriages to never get to that point.

 

It's like a starving person stealing food to eat...is it absolutely wrong to steal, yes but sometimes people get desperate for things they are lacking...desperation in any situation can cause a lot of negative behaviors, no matter the situation. Does that mean their actual action are is not their responsibility, absolutely not!

 

My A is a 100% my fault but my desperation to feel love was not my fault & to save our marriage (& or to make my H future relationships successful, had he chosen to divorce me) my H had to take ownership that he was the reason that our marriage was in shambles. Wether we divorced or not, he needed to own that as an adult for himself & his own well being...as I had to own that my A was an extremely negative way to handle the desperation I felt from him being so cold & closed off.

 

Once again & live by this...A is always just symptom of a bigger issue within either the WS & or the marriage. Cheating is never the actual issue itself.

[DKT3]

The leading cause of murdered women, sadly, is jealous and controlling men. Quite often there is no affair involved at all... and often, it's after the woman officially leaves him that he kills her. Leaving is the most dangerous time.

 

It's still better to divorce than have an affair but if we bring murder into the picture suddenly divorce is pretty scary.

 

According to national council on domestic 72% of women are murdered by an intimate partner, 39% involved confirmed affairs, multiple sexual partners, making it the largest chunk of the pie. 18% are murdered by someone unknown to them. That only leaves 33% for all others which would include what you described.

[Whoknew30]

No, your actions didn't make your marriage vulnerable to his affair, you could have those exact same actions with thousands of different men who wouldn't respond by cheating. You contributed​to a bad marriage but so did he and you didn't cheat. So there is more to than the state of the marriage.

 

Whoknew, you're talking something different. If a couple wants to reconcile after an affair, it's important that all prior issue are put on the table to be worked through.

 

HOWEVER, those prior issue are not WHY the WS cheated. Cheating is a individual activity within the marriage no matter how much they want to blame. Unless I actually placed the OM p in my wife's v her affair was a stand alone activity outside the scope of the other issues. Had she chose divorce then I would say I was responsible for that.

 

Divorce is unfortunate, but for those of us with kids while painful its something that shows them a healthy way to get out of a bad situation. Affairs have no teaching value and set as has an example for our kids as any extremely selfish act there is. Going dark for a second, but it's the leading cause of murdered women in the US, some combination of OW, MW, BW. Nothing to be learned there.

 

I'm going to add that if a woman got murdered over an A...you're going to say that her BH wasn't off to begin with? That is a completely hypocritical statement.

 

So murder is defended bc of an A but an A isn't defended by a crazy BH...bc if you murder someone strictly based on an A, you were never right mentality to begin with...which would have opened up that particular marriage to an A.

 

I can't understand this kind of hypocritical thinking...that's completely illogical.

[HereNorThere]

In the psychology world...there's a philosophy of "how to make your marriage A proof"...so what you're saying is that the whole psychology department that teaches this, is wrong? Priests, therapists, psychologists & psychiatrists all push for premarital counciling on the basis to help marriages to never get to that point.

 

It's like a starving person stealing food to eat...is it absolutely wrong to steal, yes but sometimes people get desperate for things they are lacking...desperation in any situation can cause a lot of negative behaviors, no matter the situation. Does that mean their actual action are is not their responsibility, absolutely not!

 

My A is a 100% my fault but my desperation to feel love was not my fault & to save our marriage (& or to make my H future relationships successful, had he chosen to divorce me) my H had to take ownership that he was the reason that our marriage was in shambles. Wether we divorced or not, he needed to own that as an adult for himself & his own well being...as I had to own that my A was an extremely negative way to handle the desperation I felt from him being so cold & closed off.

 

Once again & live by this...A is always just symptom of a bigger issue within either the WS & or the marriage. Cheating is never the actual issue itself.

 

 

Not everyone has a desire to try and rationalize and justify their thoughts and actions. This kind of nonsense is what leads to having affairs in the first place. While you grasp for straws, blame-shift and make excuses, the rest of us would just accept that we selfish, crappy people and look for insight on becoming a better person.

 

At most, a neglectful for spouse justifies filing for divorce. There's nothing your spouse can do that would justify your abuse. The moment you hit, kick, humiliate, cheat or any other type of abusive behavior, you lose all moral high ground.

 

Should we excuse sexual assault because a person was lonely? "Sure, he assaulted you but you gotta understand, he was like a starving person who steals food to eat." Did you really compare cheating to eating? Really? That's a pretty far stretch and a dangerous way of thinking. I guess that's where the tern "man-eater" comes from.

Edited April 12, 2017 by HereNorThere

[aileD]

No, your actions didn't make your marriage vulnerable to his affair, you could have those exact same actions with thousands of different men who wouldn't respond by cheating. You contributed​to a bad marriage but so did he and you didn't cheat. So there is more to than the state of the marriage.

 

I agree my actions didn't be make him cheat. He has it within himself to be a cheater, and that's a character flaw. That said I don't think he would have cheated if our marriage was great, and I say that still knowing no matter how good or bad it was there's no excuse to cheat.

[DKT3]

I'm going to add that if a woman got murdered over an A...you're going to say that her BH wasn't off to begin with? That is a completely hypocritical statement.

 

So murder is defended bc of an A but an A isn't defended by a crazy BH...bc if you murder someone strictly based on an A, you were never right mentality to begin with...which would have opened up that particular marriage to an A.

 

I can't understand this kind of hypocritical thinking...that's completely illogical.

 

Where did I say anything like that...... Basically what I'm saying is emotionally healthy balanced adults don't blame others for thier actions PERIOD.

[aliveagain]

The best insurance against an affair is zero tolerance. If you inform your spouse before you marry them that infidelity is a deal breaker, keep your word. If they are stupid enough to test your word they know exactly what to expect, no surprises. Most betrayed spouses are afraid of what the future will be like and compromise themselves, their boundaries, their beliefs to hold on to what is familiar. It may take the better part of a lifetime to get the trust back. You got rid of their affair partner but you gained a white elephant that will always be in the room. He will show up every time they work late or have a girls/guys night out, every time you work late, travel for work or can't reach them during lunch.

 

Once your spouse has stepped over that invisible line it is easier to do it a second time, that is a fact and something that will always be at the back of your mind. So many of us settle for this new discounted version of our marriage because of fear of the unknown. We settle for so many things, a changed future, a new tainted version of our spouse, a life with little to no trust, years of mental images of them and this other person, a change in finances if they have to quit their job, humiliation of being cuckolded. Sh*t sandwich after sh*t sandwich. Think this through because in the end you have to like who you are when you look in the mirror. Never settle, never be plan "B," never let someone who makes really bad choices choose your future.

[Whoknew30]

Where did I say anything like that...... Basically what I'm saying is emotionally healthy balanced adults don't blame others for thier actions PERIOD.

 

It would be that the number one reason those women got murdered was due to unstable men...not bc they had A.

 

A healthy adult doesn't go victiming blaming a murdered woman bc she had an A...or were you pointing out...that was their H motive to why he killed her even know the action wasn't justified???

 

 

So your example is the exact same thing I've been saying...people can have motives for any kind of behavior, doesn't mean the behavior itself is justified but the motive can be understandable.

[DKT3]

It would be that the number one reason those women got murdered was due to unstable men...not bc they had A.

 

A healthy adult doesn't go victiming blaming a murdered woman bc she had an A...or were you pointing out...that was their H motive to why he killed her even know the action wasn't justified???

 

 

So your example is the exact same thing I've been saying...people can have motives for any kind of behavior, doesn't mean the behavior itself is justified but the motive can be understandable.

 

You do understand that that number included ow mw bw killing one another....Right?

 

Not really a gender issue, but do you realize 50% of women who kill the husband are involved in a affair?

[Whoknew30]

Not everyone has a desire to try and rationalize and justify their thoughts and actions. This kind of nonsense is what leads to having affairs in the first place. While you grasp for straws, blame-shift and make excuses, the rest of us would just accept that we selfish, crappy people and look for insight on becoming a better person.

 

At most, a neglectful for spouse justifies filing for divorce. There's nothing your spouse can do that would justify your abuse. The moment you hit, kick, humiliate, cheat or any other type of abusive behavior, you lose all moral high ground.

 

Should we excuse sexual assault because a person was lonely? "Sure, he assaulted you but you gotta understand, he was like a starving person who steals food to eat." Did you really compare cheating to eating? Really? That's a pretty far stretch and a dangerous way of thinking. I guess that's where the tern "man-eater" comes from.

 

There is motive to everything...behavior itself comes down to one concept.

 

Any living being commits a behavior bc they are getting something from it...wether it be biting, cheating, eating, rape &

 

Does that make certain actions justified, no but when a therapist, psychologist is treating someone they try to get to the bottom of their patient/clients motive. The motive can be anything, lonely & raping. I never said that bad behavior is ok...but it is based on a reason. Wether or not you or anyone else thinks that the reason behind a particular action is valid or not...does not matter. So someone doesn't agree with another's thought process...if mental professional stuck to that view point, mental health care & help would have never gotten passed scarlet letters & public hangings. Do you know how beneficial for society as a whole, it has been to study & listen to the motives of people that have committed certain actions?

 

Validity for any action is always in the eye beholder...

[NTV]

You do understand that that number included ow mw bw killing one another....Right?

 

Not really a gender issue, but do you realize 50% of women who kill the husband are involved in a affair?

 

100% of married men in the us killed by their cheating wife had life insurance. Therefore if you want to live and your wife is cheating cancel your life insurance policy.

 

=)

[Southwardbound]

It takes two to cheat, but only ONE to say NO. So, I'm of the ilk that it is always down to WS to be the one who makes the final action- choice. If they have strong marriage boundaries, then it won't happen no matter how many times the opportunity presents itself.

 

Just because you married someone that doesn't mean you can always rest on that fact that their marriage boundary is a strong one. I say this having been a: WS, BS, & OW; all sides of the coin. Marriage takes continual work, if you get lazy in keeping your marriage in a good state, well then, when opportunities happen, your other half just might take advantage of them.

 

I don't buy the weight gain as an excuse. If you really love, appreciate, & care for someone how they look superficially on the outside shouldn't matter, unless you're a really shallow person.

[Furious]

Who's blaming? I've stated that cheating is 100% the fault of the WS but that doesn't mean the breakdown of the marriage wasn't bc of the BS.

 

Also if a BS gets cheated on but was the main part of the relationship breakdown & doesn't take ownership on their part...their doing themselves a major disservice in life bc no relationship will ever be good if they can't own their own issues...you're saying as of every BS has great character bc they didn't cheat. I can name you off a million different things that are lack of character.

 

I personally don't put people into one category based on one action...that's extremely surface to me...it always deeper. Seems extremely closed minded.

 

 

You seem to be backtracking your own words. On one hand you point the blame on betrayed spouses and then pivot with putting it on the WS. You didn't answer my question on how you were responsible for being cheated on by your husband.

Edited April 12, 2017 by Furious