road Posted April 13, 2017 Posted April 13, 2017 One thing I keep hearing is that the BS has to take responsibility for his part in the leading to the affair. I've tried thinking about this for awhile now I have to say..there isn't a dang thing a BS did to deserve it..unless they are beating them, on drugs or even an drunk..but even then that not a reason. As for me, I knew we were having issues but nothing that would say affair could happen from it. Just basic arguments that all couple have..cleaning and helping more. We talked about it and I tried to pick up the slack of these thing and still maintain the butt load of other things that I did for my family. I also worked hard on trying to fix us and show/tell her how much she meant to me. She had no lack of things I read are reasons that lead to or help keep the affair going. I believe she simply wanted out of the marriage but without having to lose the security of what our marriage provided. The truth is that she had no intent of killing the affair on her own proves she no longer wanted the marriage nor was she gone by to act on the idea of fixing it. She stated she wanted to fix the marriage but didn't know how to. Which is simply bs she feed herself. She thought that with time the marriage would just fix itself and she would just keep good by on till it did so...which we all know that nothing fixes itself without effort. It was only after being 100% caught did everything come crashing down and then she decided that she wanted her marriage and to be loved. See for me I feel they never wanted the BS..It only seems when they get caught that they feel these things for the BS..but is it real or just the fear that now they lose everything. For her the AP just stopped emailing her and left her. She says she was glad because she had wantednover but that she did nothing to end it herself. She wanted him to end it..other wise she would have let it keep going as long as he wanted her. What can one do to help prevent it? Well not a dang thing! Once they have it in their head that it's ok and isn't going to hurt anyone as long as they don't find out they will go full speed ahead. Being caught is the only 100%bway to break that train of thought...You can do absolutely everything in the world to stop/ prevent it but the truth is this there is nothing you can do..it's like being a kids and seeing your favorite candy.. you will do what ever it takes to get it..you will love it and enjoy it for the time..you don't worry about your mom kicking your but because she's at work and how can she find out? But we all know that they will find out at some point and then all hell will come down..that's when it hits you and you start Crying and saying your sorry..you knew what you were doing and why..but you just can't admit it to yourself or to your mom. But at this post by its to late and you can't put the candy back.. so in the end, you just can't do anything to stop it..she made me believe that we were fine and happy..we were safe and I shouldn't worry. When you feel safe with another person like that I feel you are doomed for crap like this to happen. To trust someone fully and believe that they will be faithful is all a fools dream. I made the affair happen because I put to much faith in her and gave her to much safety..she believed that I would always be here and never leave her. So she went out to play without any fear of what would happen to me or children.. Try as one may, there is no sure way to prevent. Only thing one can do is guard themself enough to not let the spouse feel that they are fully safe. I think if they fear that you could walk away from them just as quickly as they could it would make them think about the consequences of making a move to have an affair..for most of us it too late You need a hearing check for the BS is only responsible for their share in the marriage having problems. The only person responsible for the affair is the WS. No one forced the WS to have an affair. There are so many other ways to deal with a bad marriage. And if the WS does not want to deal then get a divorce first. Then they are single and free to date. 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted April 13, 2017 Posted April 13, 2017 My A is a 100% my fault but my desperation to feel love was not my fault & to save our marriage (& or to make my H future relationships successful, had he chosen to divorce me) my H had to take ownership that he was the reason that our marriage was in shambles. Wether we divorced or not, he needed to own that as an adult for himself & his own well being...as I had to own that my A was an extremely negative way to handle the desperation I felt from him being so cold & closed off. Once again & live by this...A is always just symptom of a bigger issue within either the WS & or the marriage. Cheating is never the actual issue itself. Your last paragraph speaks to the "my desperation to feel love was not my fault". If a WS feels desperation within themselves....is it automatically assigned as "blame" onto their SO? Are BS the only party in a relationship that has to uphold "standards of conduct"? Are BS responsible to ensure that their SO has their fill of ego kibbles? Are we an adult if we require our SO to serve our own internal faulty wirings/FOO dysfunctions/childhood traumas? Does an adult shirk their own choice by foisting it on to another? Isn't it the responsibility of each individual to have more tools in their life problems toolbox? Is cheating an appropriate/proper tool to have in ones toolbox? How does one get that in their arsenal of responses? What pathways did it use to come to fruition? Are there tentacles that reach into other trains of thought/processes/responses? Life is messy. Life is not a fairytale. Life has ebbs and floes. Life has trials. Life has tests. Life has drama. Life has lonely times. Life has conflict. Life has lows. We each only get one shot at life. It is the how.....the how WE choose to respond to life....the good, the bad and the ugly....that gives us our self respect. For when we respect ourselves, we give the best of ourselves to each situation....no exceptions. 2
todreaminblue Posted April 13, 2017 Posted April 13, 2017 (edited) For years I blamed myself ......as a bs......what could i have done...why didnt i do this ....why ddint i see sooner...why did i ignore this...i should have been more aware...i should have been in there fighting for us...shoudl hav eignored when he spent all our moneyadn didnt have enough fro food or bills on her...and yachts an dchampagne.....how selfish of me. to ask him for money to pay the gas.............i should have not said no once to sex even though every muscle in my boyd ached..........i should have been sexier when he cam home at 2 in the morning..... ...i should have gone and drunk and got wasted with him if that is what he wanted me to do ..instead of help my daughtr do a project for school.......its my fault he left.... if only i was prettier if only i didnt have mental illness if only i could be superwoman and save our relationship single handedly while looking after five children keeping a house paying the bills handling a court case and make sure he was happy and satisfied every second of the day..if only i could drive so h edoesnt yfeel so pressured to pick me up when i miss a bus.........i am so pathetic......... .if only if i didnt need to sleep..and was ready and waiting fully made up in high heels and negligee every time he works overtime........for when he stumbled home after having sex with her I had sex with him....should have done that more often ..........yeah actually tried that..didnt know he was havign sex with her at the time..thought he was working overtime and stopped for a few drinks after...........ended up in hospital because it all came crashing down anyway.................... biggest crock of self destroying emotionally vexing cruel bull shhhhhhhit things i have ever done to myself......and that is my fault......him cheating wasnt my fault......it was him thinking with his tiny head.....instead of his big head....and not beign willing to join in to keep our relationship together by workign through serious issues...of betrayal and thoughtlessness.......deb Edited April 13, 2017 by todreaminblue 1
wmacbride Posted April 13, 2017 Posted April 13, 2017 (edited) In the psychology world...there's a philosophy of "how to make your marriage A proof"...so what you're saying is that the whole psychology department that teaches this, is wrong? Priests, therapists, psychologists & psychiatrists all push for premarital counciling on the basis to help marriages to never get to that point. It's like a starving person stealing food to eat...is it absolutely wrong to steal, yes but sometimes people get desperate for things they are lacking...desperation in any situation can cause a lot of negative behaviors, no matter the situation. Does that mean their actual action are is not their responsibility, absolutely not! My A is a 100% my fault but my desperation to feel love was not my fault & to save our marriage (& or to make my H future relationships successful, had he chosen to divorce me) my H had to take ownership that he was the reason that our marriage was in shambles. Wether we divorced or not, he needed to own that as an adult for himself & his own well being...as I had to own that my A was an extremely negative way to handle the desperation I felt from him being so cold & closed off. Once again & live by this...A is always just symptom of a bigger issue within either the WS & or the marriage. Cheating is never the actual issue itself. I think I understand what you are saying, and while you do make a lot of good points, it still don't think you can affair proof a marriage, as that concept is predicated on the concept that you can control someone elses behavior, and that A's are always the result of an unhappy marriage. They're not. Some are, some have other "causes", but the one thing they all have in common is that they were a conscious choice by the ws. Edited April 13, 2017 by wmacbride 3
understand50 Posted April 13, 2017 Posted April 13, 2017 All, I think it is true, you cannot affair proof a marriage, or for that case "proof" other parts of your life. Studies have shown that even "happy" marriages have cheating. Again it does come down to one spouse being selfish, and it may be for only a hour or so, but cheating does not take long. In the moment that the WS is presented with a choice, they make the one for sex and gratification or work over a long time to set up and cheat. Even those that "work" and try and set up a affair, there comes a time when they have sex for the first time, take off their clothes, decide to engage. What, if anything, are they thinking right then? At that point, I would guess, they are only thinking of themselves, and maybe their AP. The BS does not enter into the equation. My two cents.... 2
KatieLaw Posted April 13, 2017 Posted April 13, 2017 Our marriage was fantastic, as H would tell you. As part of the huge promotion he had just received, he had several back-to-back conferences to attend. On the last night of one, he and his colleagues went dancing at a piano bar when he noticed one woman paying him a lot of attention, which he wasn't used to. Long story short, they ended up bar-hopping groping, making out, and so on, all in public. (Gross.) After the last bar, he forced himself to straighten up because he had to if he was going to find the Hilton. After exiting Fantasy land, he lead her to a fountain that had a ledge and wondered how he let himself get so out of control. He said out loud that he needed to go to his room to get some sleep. She leaned in and touched him. He told her to stop which shocked her at which point he reminded her he was married with children. She revealed her true agenda by howling that she would never again find another husband and on and on. He tried to console her but eventually gave up and told her was going to help her to her room. She did not like that idea and stated she wanted to go to his room. He told her it wasn't going to happen and made her stand up and walk, which was great until she fell splat onto the street. (Double gross.) That was one thing that brought him to his senses - she had been staggering to the point she was in danger of knocking them both on the ground. She never gave up even after he opened her door and one of her roommates was watching. Bunny boiler waiting to happen, IMO. So, what's my part? I was at home caring for our children, packing and baking for our vacation. Counting every calorie consumed, every body part worked, (she certainly did not) making a costume for our severely disabled son, . . .You get the picture. I've spent too much time trying to figure out what I could have done differently. There are only two areas that she might have over me. She has gigantic boobs and is willing to carry on like an animal in heat in public. I gently broached these issues with H. He said he would divorce me if I had plastic surgery. (TMI, but ladies, I'm 36 DD.) I mentioned that, throughout the years, we've never done any of the things he did with her that night. He looked horrified and said, Of course not! You're a lady. (He does not treat me like a lady behind closed doors nor do I act like one.) So, you tell me. What was my part? Tell me so I don't mess up again. 2
Author Mr Blunt Posted April 14, 2017 Author Posted April 14, 2017 By Katielaw So, you tell me. What was my part? Tell me so I don't mess up again. BY BLUNT Katie, are you insinuating that you did something that made your husband get drunk and group and make out with this drunken woman? If that is the case then you need to examine your self-respect. Your husband betrayed you and you are asking what you did that was messed up? Tell your husband that you are going to go out and get drunk then grope and make out with another man. Then ask him if he is going to ask for people to tell him how he messed up and made you act like he did. Now that you got me thinking, here is a good preventive measure to give your spouse pause before betrayal. Tell your spouse that if he/she betrays you then you are going to go to the bars and get drunk and naked as you can with the opposite sex and explore every nasty sexual act in the Kamasutra and then you will take pictures for the spouse to view. That might make a spouse think twice before they do what your husband did. 3
somanymistakes Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 Now that you got me thinking, here is a good preventive measure to give your spouse pause before betrayal. Tell your spouse that if he/she betrays you then you are going to go to the bars and get drunk and naked as you can with the opposite sex and explore every nasty sexual act in the Kamasutra and then you will take pictures for the spouse to view. That might make a spouse think twice before they do what your husband did. If someone told me that I'd assume they were just looking for an excuse to go out and commit all those nasty acts! 1
Zenstudent Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 If someone told me that I'd assume they were just looking for an excuse to go out and commit all those nasty acts! Yes, I believe that most people with a cheating mindset would go with that assumption.
NTV Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 Wow... you guys got me. What makes those acts nasty? I'm might be missing a step here but the kamasutra seemed like a beginner manual to me. To me nasty sexually acts usually involves a lot of sticky substance like honey. Or jello. Even then it's only nasty cause someone has to clean it up. I do think that maybe if my wife had greater fear of my reaction to cheating it might have slowed her down. Then again for criminals, studies show that even the death penalty is not a good deterrent. If someone is going to sell drugs illegally they already know the potential risk and do it anyway. I think it's the same with cheating. There is only one way to prevent marital crimes and that is to not marry a criminal in the first place. And sure, every sorry SOB in prison has a human interest story and learned their lesson and will never do it again. That is... until they get out. We're no more likely to prevent spouses from cheating than we are to stop criminal behavior. It's not like we enter a mutually assured destruction Pact with our spouses upon marriage lol. Although. .....
road Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 Wow... you guys got me. What makes those acts nasty? I'm might be missing a step here but the kamasutra seemed like a beginner manual to me. To me nasty sexually acts usually involves a lot of sticky substance like honey. Or jello. Even then it's only nasty cause someone has to clean it up. I do think that maybe if my wife had greater fear of my reaction to cheating it might have slowed her down. Then again for criminals, studies show that even the death penalty is not a good deterrent. If someone is going to sell drugs illegally they already know the potential risk and do it anyway. I think it's the same with cheating. There is only one way to prevent marital crimes and that is to not marry a criminal in the first place. And sure, every sorry SOB in prison has a human interest story and learned their lesson and will never do it again. That is... until they get out. We're no more likely to prevent spouses from cheating than we are to stop criminal behavior. It's not like we enter a mutually assured destruction Pact with our spouses upon marriage lol. Although. ..... What make them nasty is that they are not doing it with their BS but instead they are doing it with their AP. 2
somanymistakes Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 Wow... you guys got me. What makes those acts nasty? I'm might be missing a step here but the kamasutra seemed like a beginner manual to me. Well, I'm more thinking the whole 'getting drunk and screwing half a bar and taking pictures' is the nasty part rather than the specific acts but that's just me.
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 It's not about "losing looks" or gaining weight. It's about marrying a person one fell in love with & they turn into something different. What kind of character is it to think just bc one gets married they can turn into a completely different person of what their spouse married & think there won't be any issues or it doesn't open up the marriage to difficulty. Lack of character comes in all different forms & a BS can very much lack character also...let's say someone is cheated on, & they had a very big part of the relationship kind of falling apart but won't admit it bc they place all blame on their WS...how will they ever be in another successful relationship if they can't see their own issues? Haven't you've met someone that says "they always get cheated on" but never take a look to what they're doing wrong to they keep ending up in the position. i want to address what I have bolded. My husband did not change and become a different person... he was who he always was... it was me that changed. So maybe we better take a look introspectively and make sure that before we start pointing fingers at our spouse we better make sure that it isn't us that needs the attitude adjustment. John is an introvert ... I knew that when I married him. I expected HIM to change and conform to what I wanted him to become.... and when I could not MAKE him become someone he wasn't... I gave myself permission to blame HIM. We all change as life progresses... but our basic personality traits remain the same. We learn to deal with the ebb and flow of life the best way we know how... and the way you choose to handle something may not be the best way for me to handle it. My cheating had nothing to do with john... it had everything to do with me. None of us is a perfect spouse... and if we have to live in fear that in our imperfection as defined by our spouse... they can cheat on us validate it by claiming we changed and became unlovable is pathetically unfair. Now... I am not saying that relationships do not deteriorate due to lack of effort by both people... but teamwork requires one partner to take up the slack of the other partner and visa versa. When one person looks at the other and decides they are no longer worth the effort... who then is at fault? Who then do we get to blame? Who then is the betrayer and the betrayed? 4
cocorico Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 None of us is a perfect spouse... and if we have to live in fear that in our imperfection as defined by our spouse... they can cheat on us validate it by claiming we changed and became unlovable is pathetically unfair. Yet, by the same token, it can be argued that becoming complacent and taking one's partner for granted ("after all, he married me 'for better or worse'...") is pathetically unfair, too. Assuming that promises made in the context of certain understandings extend to all possible circumstances is also unfair. It's often said on these boards that, even in civil ceremonies where oaths to forsake all others, etc, are not part of the vows, the understanding is still there and therefore still binding *even if not verbally expressed*. If that's the case, then that should also extend to other tacit understandings, such as the limitations of the vows: "when you promise 'for richer or poorer', does that include me wilfully gambling away all our assets, running up huge debts and leaving you screwed financially, unable and unwilling to support a family?" Or, "does your understanding of 'in sickness or health' extend to my making lifestyle choices which leave me unwilling to have sex, but denying you any prospect of getting any elsewhere - while threatening that you will have your R with the kids irreparably damaged by what I tell them if you consider leaving me?" Or, "if you promise 'till death us do part', does that mean you will go to extreme lengths to prevent D, making any settlement so egregious and threatening to alienate me from the kids, so that I'm going to feel trapped in this M and unable to escape because D is against your moral code and you'll refuse to let me leave and find happiness elsewhere."
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 Yet, by the same token, it can be argued that becoming complacent and taking one's partner for granted ("after all, he married me 'for better or worse'...") is pathetically unfair, too. Assuming that promises made in the context of certain understandings extend to all possible circumstances is also unfair. It's often said on these boards that, even in civil ceremonies where oaths to forsake all others, etc, are not part of the vows, the understanding is still there and therefore still binding *even if not verbally expressed*. If that's the case, then that should also extend to other tacit understandings, such as the limitations of the vows: "when you promise 'for richer or poorer', does that include me wilfully gambling away all our assets, running up huge debts and leaving you screwed financially, unable and unwilling to support a family?" Or, "does your understanding of 'in sickness or health' extend to my making lifestyle choices which leave me unwilling to have sex, but denying you any prospect of getting any elsewhere - while threatening that you will have your R with the kids irreparably damaged by what I tell them if you consider leaving me?" Or, "if you promise 'till death us do part', does that mean you will go to extreme lengths to prevent D, making any settlement so egregious and threatening to alienate me from the kids, so that I'm going to feel trapped in this M and unable to escape because D is against your moral code and you'll refuse to let me leave and find happiness elsewhere." I believe that my post insinuated that it goes both ways. No one wants to live in constant worry or fear that we are not "good" enough... and divorce is a whole different subject that screwing another person. I am all for divorce... I am not all for cheating. I don't believe people should be obligated to stay in an unfulfilling relationship. Divorce yes... adultery no The point of my post was that we should all examine ourselves before we start placing blame in a failed relationship... there is plenty of blame to go around. But when we start validating our own repulsive behavior by placing the blame on our spouse... we have a problem. There are always circumstances surrounding failing relationships.....but those situations never warrant screwing around. If you are unhappy ... leave... but don't have sex with somebody else And cerataimly don't start spouting I screwed around because you were a jerk to me. I screwed around because I wanted to... plain and simple. Cause and effect.... you disappointed me so I can screw around.... uh.. nope 6
aileD Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 (edited) There is absolutely no reason why a person cannot get a divorce instead of cheating. No one traps another person. One can try to manipulate another, but they don't have to accept that. There are plenty of people who get divorced when they don't have the money to, have small children, just bought a house, one has medical issues, etc. there is no excuse that makes cheating okay. If your spouse broke unspoken vows by withholding sex or not paying attention to you, that's fine. You have a right to remove yourself from the marriage commitment thru divorce. If you don't want to do that, that's your problem...doesn't mean you can cheat and it's justified. Edited April 14, 2017 by aileD 2
Betrayed&Stayed Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 Reasons given for betrayal ( by Ruined My Love) 1 selfish 2 taking care of others 3 Husband (spouse) ignored me 4 Husband (spouse) talked rude to me 5 I was Depressed and unhappy 6 I was not thinking I see the reasons above given partially or fully for betrayal by many on forums. NONE of them are reasons for betrayal! What are your thoughts? I went through all of the "reasons" my wife listed about her affair. I categorized them as "factors" and "reasons". FACTORS Low Self-Esteem Lack of Friendships Felt "settled" by being married Didn't get along with my parents Lack of Boundaries (thought she could have platonic relationship with OM) Seeked companionship REASONS Developed a Crush on OM Sexual Attraction Excitement Sense of Freedom None of those has to do with me as a person or as a husband. During MC and IC we uncovered other factors that contributed to her A. In my opinion, the reason why she had an affair is because she wanted to; and of course she thought she would never get caught (which turned out to be true).
Author Mr Blunt Posted April 14, 2017 Author Posted April 14, 2017 (edited) BY NTV We're no more likely to prevent spouses from cheating than we are to stop criminal behavior By Blunt I think that most understand that some are going to be cheaters no matter what. However, I do think that some can be prevented. My post listed a few bogus reasons why Ruined My Love cheated. My question was “…what can be some good preventive measures to deal with those reasons?” I gave one preventive measure as reprinted below: "Selfish…..In the case of being selfish in the form of betrayal of the family, one way is to count the costs. You can cheat and get a sexual or emotional high for a short period but the cost is your loss of self-respect, loss of integrity, damages to your spouse and children, loss of finances, loss of home, Loss of 50% custody of the children, and permanent loss of 100% trust from your spouse. The costs of cheating are so very high and you will lose so much that a sane and balanced person would decide against betrayal IMO." Now here are some more questions for you readers: 1 Which of you have never been selfish? 2 How many of you have never entertained the thought of sex with a person that is not your spouse (be honest) 3 How many of you that have thought of having sex with some not your spouse never allowed that to become an action of cheating because you COUNTED THE COSTS? How many of you are brave enough to answer the questions above? Edited April 14, 2017 by Mr Blunt 1
understand50 Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 BY NTV Now here are some more questions for you readers: 1 Which of you have never been selfish? Sure, I have been and will be for some things in life. That last piece of cake, Maybe staying away from home doing my hobby. Buying something that we really do not need, but I want for my hobby. None of this has put the marriage or my kids in danger. My wife likes to be by herself from time to time, or take a night off and not make dinner. We cannot go though life always serving others. 2 How many of you have never entertained the thought of sex with a person that is not your spouse (be honest) Again, I have posted that I fall in lust all the time. I just know that I am married and can not take this past fantasizing in my head. If I am attracted to some woman I make it a point to avoid them, but, I certainly entertained the idea that it would be nice to have sex with them. I feel this is part of being human. You are attracted all the time. It is how you act upon these urges that sets apart the honorable man or woman. 3 How many of you that have thought of having sex with some not your spouse never allowed that to become an action of cheating because you COUNTED THE COSTS? OK, I would say that part of not cheating is that I would run the risk of losing my wife, or at least hurting her badly, but I do not think that I would cheat if I knew there would be no costs. IE, I have been in situations where the wife would never know. IE no costs, but decide to not let anything happen. How many of you are brave enough to answer the questions above? Well me, if you are counting. In the end, it comes down to what type of person you are. Some will never cheat, some may only fall once, and realize the damage, other just do not care. Some are just plain lucky and never get to see if they would. I do not think until you are faced with the choice, will you know how you will react. By the way, just because you "pasted" one time does not guarantee that you will the second. Being on guard with yourself is the only way. My two cents.... 1
DKT3 Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 Yet, by the same token, it can be argued that becoming complacent and taking one's partner for granted ("after all, he married me 'for better or worse'...") is pathetically unfair, too. Assuming that promises made in the context of certain understandings extend to all possible circumstances is also unfair. It's often said on these boards that, even in civil ceremonies where oaths to forsake all others, etc, are not part of the vows, the understanding is still there and therefore still binding *even if not verbally expressed*. If that's the case, then that should also extend to other tacit understandings, such as the limitations of the vows: "when you promise 'for richer or poorer', does that include me wilfully gambling away all our assets, running up huge debts and leaving you screwed financially, unable and unwilling to support a family?" Or, "does your understanding of 'in sickness or health' extend to my making lifestyle choices which leave me unwilling to have sex, but denying you any prospect of getting any elsewhere - while threatening that you will have your R with the kids irreparably damaged by what I tell them if you consider leaving me?" Or, "if you promise 'till death us do part', does that mean you will go to extreme lengths to prevent D, making any settlement so egregious and threatening to alienate me from the kids, so that I'm going to feel trapped in this M and unable to escape because D is against your moral code and you'll refuse to let me leave and find happiness elsewhere." I've never heard a vow that said love honor and feed an unhealthy need for validation. There are times in marriage that life outside of being a couple are more pressing. If you can't trust a spouse to have boundaries and honor it's no fault of your own. Bottom line is everyone is responsible for thier own actions, they make Thier own decisions. Cheating is usually if not always a continuation of prior behavior, blaming the spouse is weak, and a sign of someone who doesn't accept responsibility. 1
DKT3 Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 There is absolutely no reason why a person cannot get a divorce instead of cheating. No one traps another person. One can try to manipulate another, but they don't have to accept that. There are plenty of people who get divorced when they don't have the money to, have small children, just bought a house, one has medical issues, etc. there is no excuse that makes cheating okay. If your spouse broke unspoken vows by withholding sex or not paying attention to you, that's fine. You have a right to remove yourself from the marriage commitment thru divorce. If you don't want to do that, that's your problem...doesn't mean you can cheat and it's justified. Because justification is just excuses for not holding themselves accountable. Well, if he paid attention to me I would have never cheated. When the reality is if they set boundaries they would have never cheated.They don't divorce because it not what they want before they are involved in the affair. 1
aileD Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 1 Which of you have never been selfish? I have been selfish 2 How many of you have never entertained the thought of sex with a person that is not your spouse (be honest) I have entertained....fantasize is a better word ...the idea 3 How many of you that have thought of having sex with some not your spouse never allowed that to become an action of cheating because you COUNTED THE COSTS? I have never cheated not because I counted the costs but because my personal moral standards regarding loyalty, marriage and relationships are high. 1
somanymistakes Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 Haven't been married so I can't really answer the questions. From the OM/OW perspective, though, we do count the costs but our math doesn't come up with the answer you might want it to. "Sure, the BS will be miserable, but I'll be happy and the WS will be happy! That's two happy out of three so it's a better result!" (Or sometimes we think even the BS will be happier because the marriage is bad anyway.) I think if you get to the point where you're sitting down and trying to add up numbers to count the cost to determine whether cheating is okay or not, you've basically already decided that cheating IS okay under at least some circumstances. At best you're trying to decide if these circumstances are 'good enough' to count. At worst you're just trying to justify it to yourself.
aileD Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 I think there's a distinction need to be made betweeen counting the costs and counting the costs unselfishly.
BTDT2012 Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 Now here are some more questions for you readers: 1 Which of you have never been selfish? I have been much more selfish after being cheated on. 2 How many of you have never entertained the thought of sex with a person that is not your spouse (be honest) I have not. Before marrying my WH, I thought long and hard about whether he would be enough for me. 3 How many of you that have thought of having sex with some not your spouse never allowed that to become an action of cheating because you COUNTED THE COSTS?
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