Dealing with someone else's kids

[aileD]

(BTW this child is only two, are you sure she is really over her last relationship?)

Seems you have just jumped out of the frying pan into the fire here...

 

Excellent point. Your relationship can't be more than 2 years old, why would you get married so early.? And let's say you've been in this kids life since he was a baby.....you're practically his real dad. Biology doesn't matter except to people who don't REALLY care about the kids.

 

You need to tell your soon to be wife what your expectations are. I know I wouldn't marry someone that wasn't willing to consider my kids his own in all aspects of their lives . You owe her a chance to find someone who will befor rthe poor kids lose yet another father figure

[lucy_in_disguise]

It sounds like your fiancé has primary custody and bio dad doesn't pay much in support. How do you see your finances working, if you're not splitting the costs associated with the kids? Unless she is bringing in a lot more money than you, it will be very uneven in terms of what you can afford. Are you willing to live way below your means to ensure it is equal? Say you want to go on vacation, but she can't afford to pay for 3 flights. Are you going to go by yourself?

 

Do you plan to have more kids? Are you going to treat "your" kids differently than her kids? Do you plan to pay for after school activities, tutoring, college for "your" kids and let her deal with how to pay for hers? What happens if she is unable to work or decides to take time off to be a stay at home parent?

 

Avoiding childcare costs may work if the children are older or the bio parent is very involved and provides a lot of support, but I don't see how it can work logistically in this situation. This woman is very much a package deal and if you can't see yourself accepting the whole package as family i don't think it's the right relationship for you.

[GunslingerRoland]

I just read that the kids are 2 and 6 and the dad lives out of state.

 

Dude. YOU'RE THE DAD. The kids are going to remember you as dad, not some guy who doesn't live near them and doesn't see them often.

 

If you marry her, you carry this weight and you better be prepared for it. Those kids are your kids. It's unreasonable to expect you NOT to be involved financially in their lives

 

This, you'll be their step-father soon, but you will more likely then not be the primary dad to them for the rest of their lives.

 

You are entering into a marriage, which is where yours and hers stop being separate things. How can you guys share everything, but then separate the kids into a different category where they are only her responsibility.

 

You really have to make a choice here, you are not just choosing to spend the rest of your life with this woman, you are also choosing these to be your children for the next 50? years. Because you don't stop being a parent the moment they turn 18.

[darkmoon]

if you feel you are being used, then you are

[viatori patuit]

Interesting responses so far - everything from "WTF is she thinking" to "Don't Marry! you are incompatible!".

 

I have to believe it is somewhere in the middle. Now to answer a few questions -

 

1. I have both sent them away and paid for multiple vacations. I actually don't mind the money so long as it is not assumed. Sharing expenses is cool, just show some gratitude. The tickets have ranged from sending her home to canada on her own for a weekend to taking everyone to India with me (I work a fair bit there and they wanted to see it).

 

2. Of course I love the kids. They are great. I don't have any issues with them and as I said originally, they come along with the relationship and that is great.

 

3. She is well educated and makes plenty of money (IT consulting). Quite frankly the last marriage was driven by the biological clock (and she admits it). He ended the marriage and is marginally involved in the kids life. She wants nothing to do with him and actually only speaks with him via texts.

 

 

When I posted this I was miffed about something she had said about the kids, and the tone shows. Proves i have my own issues as I look like I hate the kids and don't ever want to share resources.

 

I think my primary issue here is I have been largely alone for my entire life. Although I have had several girlfriends I lived with, I always traveled. In my recent marriage I was gone perhaps 6 months a year primarily because I did not want to be around my ex wife. I have never spent this much time with kids and quite frankly I do not know the protocol for this situation.

 

So, how do I handle this? Am I being selfish? I don't wan't to stop spending money on the kids so much as I would appreciate the acknowledgement that I am doing something I don't have to do. If that is difficult, then simply being more transparent about the expenses and offering to pay for more is fine. It is not like she is poor.

 

Of course this could just be the wrong way to approach this situation - maybe I am just being selfish and I need to approach this differently. Maybe there is a different discussion we need to have about kid boundaries or something else and her expectations about the kids are totally reasonable. As I said, I have never actually been in a situation like this and I have zero idea what I am doing.

[aileD]

Don't you guys have a budget?

 

If you're getting married, why don't you pool your money with hers and come up with a budget and both agree to what you spend money on. That's what people do. My H and I both get s small allowance for personal stufff but otherwise the rest of our money is family money

 

If she makes good money too, you're less likely to see it as just YOUR money and feel more like it's coming out of the "family" pool of funds.

 

And if you're going to marry this woman, you should have no problem saying "hey, are you appreciative of this this and this? Because sometimes I can't tell and I want to know you appreciate my efforts at this this and this"

[noelle303]

 

So, how do I handle this? Am I being selfish? I don't wan't to stop spending money on the kids so much as I would appreciate the acknowledgement that I am doing something I don't have to do. If that is difficult, then simply being more transparent about the expenses and offering to pay for more is fine. It is not like she is poor.

 

Of course this could just be the wrong way to approach this situation - maybe I am just being selfish and I need to approach this differently. Maybe there is a different discussion we need to have about kid boundaries or something else and her expectations about the kids are totally reasonable. As I said, I have never actually been in a situation like this and I have zero idea what I am doing.

 

Why would an acknowledgment mean that much to you? If you have no problem with doing something and it's not an inconvenience then it shouldn't be such an issue.

 

I think that you just want to separate yourself and make a distinction that you're not the kids' father and that's why you want her to express gratitude. Because by not expressing it, she is treating you almost like an equal parent whose duty it is to contribute and that is what's bugging you the most.

 

I get it, but then I simply think that you two should talk and keep it less about the finances and more about what kind of a role she wants you to have in her children's lives and what kind of a role are you comfortable with having. Will you discipline them? Will you spend one-on-one time with them? Will you get up in the middle of the night if they need something?

 

Personally, I'm a single mom to a six year old. If I ever have a long-term partner with whom I would live with with my child, I would expect that he contributes towards groceries, utilities and household bills that we all use, but any expenses that directly concern my daughter - school tuition, extra-curriculars, trips, hobbies, clothes, etc. would be coming out of my own pocket and her father's pocket. But that directly relates to the fact that I wouldn't want that hypothetical stepfather to act or take on a role of a parent. Just my preference, your wife-to-be may have a complately different vision.

[dichotomy]

My situation was slightly different because my step kids dad was only partially in the picture and not supportive (basically a deadbeat). Also I was happy to be a surrogate dad.

 

My wife to be at the time said she would pickup most of her kids costs - and she did - but my view was that I was creating a new family. It was a step family but still my family. That meant as a the head of this hew family I would chip in for vacations and presents and bdays, etc. My wife and I more or less split/shared costs on these things. So we would go to Disney and I would pay around half. Sometimes she would deliberately pick up the cost of her kids but I did not mind much either way.

 

This basically continued once we had our own biological kids - we shared costs based on our ability to pay (I make more than my wife). Recently because of some debt I have - she picked up 100% of the cost of a vacation for all of us - step and non step kids. Nice !

 

She has never really thanked me for all I did for "her" kids, nor really have her (my step) kids ever thanked me for being a surrogate dad. However if your going to be a dad (step or otherwise) dont expect a lot of thank you's for all you do.

 

I guess my point is - yes there is a biological dad - but I think your creating a family of your own anyway and should think of it that way.

Edited April 12, 2017 by dichotomy

[Blanco]

It's important to note that some people are better at expressing their gratitude through non-verbal cues. My ex rarely threw any praise my way for anything relating to my relationship with her children. But for a while, I knew she was grateful, because she would show it in other ways.

 

Where things started to fall apart was when those non-verbal expressions of gratitude became more infrequent (ironically, as I became more involved) and her verbal criticisms toward me became more frequent.

 

If the OP is getting signs of gratitude from his fiance, then it's not necessarily a big deal if he's getting verbal "thank yous."

[DrReplyInRhymes]

My opinion:

 

You marry the woman, you marry the kids.

 

They are a package deal. You don't get one without the other.

[Heathen]

Speaking as someone who has lived this life, you are right where you should be. All of these issues need to be worked out prior to marriage.

 

Splitting the cost down the middle, when there is child support, is unfair. Lets assume that child care cost, outside of basic housing upkeep, is $1500 per month. If the cost is split 50/50 then you would be paying $750 and she would pay $250.(deducting the $500 CS). Splitting the cost after CS is deducted appears to be a fairer formula. The $500 is Child support, not alimony and should not be considered her portion of household expenses.

 

Trips to Disneyland are not basic child care cost and should be split.

 

I think the biggest issue is understanding what role your (fiancée?) wishes you to play in the children's lives. If she expects you to be 100% the father and Dad, everything is now your duty and you need to accept that before you walk down the aisle.

 

As far as appreciation goes, you are of the Male gender, so get used to not receiving it. You will have to accept that being called Dad is appreciation enough. A lighter wallet is now a fact of life. Later in life when the going gets tough and they call YOU to talk, is when you will get your pay.

 

Just the way it is.

Edited April 13, 2017 by Heathen

[viatori patuit]

 

As far as appreciation goes, you are of the Male gender, so get used to not receiving it. You will have to accept that being called Dad is appreciation enough. A lighter wallet is now a fact of life. Later in life when the going gets tough and they call YOU to talk, is when you will get your pay.

 

Just the way it is.

 

HILARIOUS! That hasn't changed in all the relationships I have had in some respects.

 

I guess I would have expected that as far as the kids went there would be a difference in behavior with mom than what I normally experience from the women I have dated.

 

We still have a fair bit of time until the wedding, so I think I will just watch and evaluate.

 

Oh, and I will enjoy the kids. They are fun to play with for the most part.

[GunslingerRoland]

Personally, I'm a single mom to a six year old. If I ever have a long-term partner with whom I would live with with my child, I would expect that he contributes towards groceries, utilities and household bills that we all use, but any expenses that directly concern my daughter - school tuition, extra-curriculars, trips, hobbies, clothes, etc. would be coming out of my own pocket and her father's pocket. But that directly relates to the fact that I wouldn't want that hypothetical stepfather to act or take on a role of a parent. Just my preference, your wife-to-be may have a complately different vision.

 

Honestly I think you'll want to really think about how that will affect your children. Living in a house with a man who is their step parent, but who you've deemed to not have any role as a parent to them. I think that would be really hard for both the man who is now an adult in a house with kids he has no discipline over, and the kids who are being told that this man shouldn't be treated as a parent to them.

[Timshel]

HILARIOUS! That hasn't changed in all the relationships I have had in some respects.

 

I guess I would have expected that as far as the kids went there would be a difference in behavior with mom than what I normally experience from the women I have dated.

 

We still have a fair bit of time until the wedding, so I think I will just watch and evaluate.

 

Oh, and I will enjoy the kids. They are fun to play with for the most part.

 

Excellent that you have a 'fair bit of time' until the wedding.

 

This question has already been posed...how do you honestly feel about the children? Really, truly, deeply?

 

There is a hint of sarcasm in your post...if you are waffling about your level of commitment, now is the time to make yourself plain.

[viatori patuit]

Excellent that you have a 'fair bit of time' until the wedding.

 

This question has already been posed...how do you honestly feel about the children? Really, truly, deeply?

 

There is a hint of sarcasm in your post...if you are waffling about your level of commitment, now is the time to make yourself plain.

 

I like the kids. They are fun to be around and generally well behaved.

 

That being said, I was alone most of my life. It is not like I can point to any one thing and say this is it now and forever. I will say the kids are not an issue for me. I wasn't sure when this started as I had never had this leve of close contact with kids.

[Timshel]

I like the kids. They are fun to be around and generally well behaved.

 

That being said, I was alone most of my life. It is not like I can point to any one thing and say this is it now and forever. I will say the kids are not an issue for me. I wasn't sure when this started as I had never had this leve of close contact with kids.

 

Ok. What are you really afraid of?

 

If your gut is telling you that something is off, listen. You can love a person and intellectually know that you need more time to sort.

 

Take your time...this is the rest of both of your lives together and of course, the kids will always be a big part.

[viatori patuit]

Ok. What are you really afraid of?

 

If your gut is telling you that something is off, listen. You can love a person and intellectually know that you need more time to sort.

 

Take your time...this is the rest of both of your lives together and of course, the kids will always be a big part.

 

Not a thing. I am just an analytical person. If something is off, it could be me or that something is in fact off. I like seeing what others have to say. Sometimes I get garbage back, but more often than not I find the advice of others (even random strangers on the internet) helpful. I often find I am in fact the problem, and I need to change something.