Dealing with Gut Feelings

[Goldendragon]

Hey guys,

I'm 20 years old and have been in a long distance relationship for a little under a year, we live several states apart. We have met twice, and we waited for about 8 months before we met in person for the first time. I've always felt like we connect really we'll and share a sense of humor, interests, and understand eachother well. However, for awhile I've had a nagging feeling in my gut that something is wrong.

 

I tried to ignore it for a long time because there wasn't a clear reason for things to feel wrong, but it rarely fades away completely. This is my first serious relationship so it's very difficult because I have little to compare it to. He has become such an important part of my life that I couldn't imagine myself without him, I just wish this nagging feeling would go away for good. I've always been one to trust my intuition, although I don't believe it always helps me be a good judge of people. For example, in highschool I had a major crush on a guy for 2 1/2 years. Looking back, I was naive due to my age but for some reason I was positive he was the one and believed we had a very special connection.

 

He often had a girlfriend, and I was too shy to tell him how I felt. Years later, he confessed he had a really big crush on me and I told him I had really liked him too. Now, he's really changed and is no longer the kind of person I would want to date due to his life choices. My point is that my gut lead me down a wrong road in highschool due to my head-over-heels feelings for this guy, so how can I trust it now? My relationship now has changed my life in such a positive way, I feel so loved and respected by my current boyfriend and our bond is wonderful.

 

I have brought up my gut feelings to him before, and he responds compassionately but also advises me not to listen to closely if I don't have any actual reasons behind my feelings, just speculation. I hate talking to him about these doubts, because he's never been less than "all in" for me. Personally, my gut feelings essentially warn me that he isn't "the one" (even though I'm young to be worryingly about that) but I feel like this is probably just because he isn't who I imagined I would end up with.

 

Maybe a part of my is foolishly looking for the fairytale where "you just know" and I'm having doubts just because he doesn't fit that image. My main question is: Are these gut feelings of uncertainty primarily due to the distance (because I rarely feel them when we visit) or something I should absolutely listen to?

 

Thank you so much!

Edited April 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, please use them

[Ronnys93]

Can you explain a bit more about what the gut feelings are telling you? Is it just that he isn't the one? Maybe you need to spend more time together or talk about finding ways to visit a bit more often. It's hard to tell when you live far away and those feelings seem to vanish when you do visit. But I guess what I'm really wondering is, do you have any other feelings aside from that. Honestly, most people have that "This isn't "the one" feeling and it's usually true. Doesn't mean that it has to be true in your case unless those are the feelings you're projecting because you're just not feeling the same.

[Goldendragon]

Hi Ronny thanks for responding!

Unfortunately, the gut feeling is that he isn't the one. My issue is that I feel like this "gut feeling" is somewhat superficial because there isn't anything wrong with him, he's great. I just feel like he may not have all the qualities I expected for in "the one". This is where I feel like I should just ignore the feeling because I shouldn't expect some perfect person to fulfill all my desires in terms of a relationship. But then I read about people just knowing or feeling in their gut that their partner is their one. And I know that the distance complicates everything and I can't ever really know without spending more time together, but I don't have that head over heels feeling for him. I want more than anything to make it work, but I'm worried that this nagging feeling means that deep down I want someone else. I feel incredibly guilty about even thinking that because I can't imagine my life without him, but I feel like I'm doing him a disservice when he's completely in love and I'm having doubts.

[BluesPower]

At 20 YO???

 

Why be in a LDR and you have met twice in 8 months.

 

Are there no single men where you live?

 

At 20, you should have men hitting on you day and night. Why not start dating some of the locals? See what is out there.

 

Why try to be in a relationship at your age anyway? This is the time in life to party, have fun, get laid when you want. Not a time to pine away for someone several states over.

 

And you feel like he is not the one? How would you know one way or another, you have not dated enough men or had enough relationships.

 

Let the LDR go and start living...

[Jason Van Jason]

Honestly OP, I didn't read your post, did not come here with the intention of doing so, just wanted to say that I've been living through my gut feeling for entire life and I'm doing alright so far.

[MountainGirl111]

You can usually go with your gut on a lot of things. Seriously, if you are truly feeling that he isn't "the one", I'm thinking why do you continue. Do you want to spend the rest of your with someone who is not "the one". I don't think that would be a fulfilling thing. Just my take...take what you need; leave the rest.

[Whodatdog]

LDRs are just a bad idea for someone so young. You cant form a relationship with someone unless you are spending time with them, LOTS of time. At your age you need to be meeting others and spending time with them.

[Popsicle]

Seriously. My new roommate is an attractive, nice girl with a promising career. She's 26 and wasting her prime years on a LDR. The guy is 815 miles away and she's been in it for at least the last 3 years. They never had a real relationship, it's always been this way. They visit each other once a year if that, but other than that they just spend their evenings and weekends messaging on the damn phone. They don't even talk on the phone. She once uttered to me that he may possibly be gay. I wish she would just see the light.

[justwhoiam]

Are these gut feelings of uncertainty primarily due to the distance

I doubt it.

 

or something I should absolutely listen to?

Yes.

 

I don't have that head over heels feeling for him

This is it. You have the answer already. The moment someone comes around and sweep you off your feet, you will break your boyfriend's heart. The more it goes on, the worse it'll be for you both. And deep down, you know that. You're letting it go on, because you feel he was loyal to you and don't feel there's any real reason why for you to split up.

 

Also, you said you were wrong before thinking it was a great love and it was not. You had a teenage crush. And you can't compare that to a real relationship. Now it's not a fantasy, you are experiencing being with someone and you're not head over heels in love with him. With my first real relationship (which lasted around 1.5 years), I was, but just like you I knew he wouldn't be the one.