Cheating fantasy

[Maddieandtae]

Because he made me feel like nothing

 

adreamwithin nobody can make you feel like nothing. No one has the power to make you feel or do anything. Your feelings are something you need to own and get help with processing in a healthy way.

 

I had a revenge affair a couple of years after my ex-husbands affair and it sure messed me up. No feelings of being desired for a fleeting moment is worth 10 years of recovering from a very devastating choice of acting on a revengeful thought. Something to thing about before you destroy your soul.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Adreamwithinadream, it is sad that you think so little of yourself that your husband's actions led you to feel as if you are nothing! Your self image is something that exists in your mind and is something created by the sum total of your life experiences, family influence, indirectly by social influences while growing up, the value system inculcated in you in school and college and your church if you are the religious type and most importantly, by the degree of your own self esteem. It should not be influenced by the way other people think of you or treat you! If your husband treated you like dirt then that reflects on him and his self image and value system and not yours. In such a case you come out smelling of roses while he stinks to high heavens.

 

We can choose what should affect us and what should not. If someone treats us badly, we do not have to feel bad about it unless we choose to do so. I know this is difficult to implement in life but one can train oneself to react this way. The act of treating us badly is an action on the part of the person doing so. It has nothing to do with us because we did not initiate it and we can let it run off like water on duck's back with no consequence to us. Only if we have low self esteem and our capacity to feel good or bad about ourselves is dependent on what someone else thinks of us, will we let it affect us and will cause us to feel bad about ourselves. If you have been thinking of a revenge affair then it indicates that you feel poorly about yourself and suffer from low self esteem. You have said in your last post "For me I think I think about being with another man because it excites me to think that someone else could desire me." and this indicates that your feelings about your self, good or bad, are dependent on what someone else thinks about you. This is completely false. If you develop your own self esteem and become a confident, self assured person this make your personality shine out with a radiance that others will immediately notice and it will draw the right kind of people to you, people, who like you are imbued with self esteem and are self assured and confident themselves. These are the people who will not cheat on you but will value you for who you are. Guys like your husband lack this essential quality and are low self esteem people. That is why they need the validation of others to feel good about themselves. I would suggest that you get the book " Psycho Cybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Maltz as it will help you uncover the real you hidden under layers of emotional dirt heaped on you in your past. However, you will have to practice the exercises given in there diligently for the principles laid out therein to have an effect on you. If you can do that you will never look back. Warm wishes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Adreamwithinadream, it is sad that you think so little of yourself that your husband's actions led you to feel as if you are nothing! Your self image is something that exists in your mind and is something created by the sum total of your life experiences, family influence, indirectly by social influences while growing up, the value system inculcated in you in school and college and your church if you are the religious type and most importantly, by the degree of your own self esteem. It should not be influenced by the way other people think of you or treat you! If your husband treated you like dirt then that reflects on him and his self image and value system and not yours. In such a case you come out smelling of roses while he stinks to high heavens.

 

We can choose what should affect us and what should not. If someone treats us badly, we do not have to feel bad about it unless we choose to do so. I know this is difficult to implement in life but one can train oneself to react this way. The act of treating us badly is an action on the part of the person doing so. It has nothing to do with us because we did not initiate it and we can let it run off like water on duck's back with no consequence to us. Only if we have low self esteem and our capacity to feel good or bad about ourselves is dependent on what someone else thinks of us, will we let it affect us and will cause us to feel bad about ourselves. If you have been thinking of a revenge affair then it indicates that you feel poorly about yourself and suffer from low self esteem. You have said in your last post "For me I think I think about being with another man because it excites me to think that someone else could desire me." and this indicates that your feelings about your self, good or bad, are dependent on what someone else thinks about you. This is completely false. If you develop your own self esteem and become a confident, self assured person this make your personality shine out with a radiance that others will immediately notice and it will draw the right kind of people to you, people, who like you are imbued with self esteem and are self assured and confident themselves. These are the people who will not cheat on you but will value you for who you are. Guys like your husband lack this essential quality and are low self esteem people. That is why they need the validation of others to feel good about themselves. I would suggest that you get the book " Psycho Cybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Maltz as it will help you uncover the real you hidden under layers of emotional dirt heaped on you in your past. However, you will have to practice the exercises given in there diligently for the principles laid out therein to have an effect on you. If you can do that you will never look back. Warm wishes.

[dichotomy]

It can be an empowering fantasy - or thought - to cheat on a cheater.

 

Many people who end a marriage with a cheater or abusive ex - go on a F' Spree.

 

Some have revenge affairs - either to get revenge or simply to feel desired and powerful after being hurt.

 

A few years after dDay my wife thought I was cheating (I wasn't) and I hate to say that I loved it in a bad way- her worry - her concern - and most importantly the increase in sexual attention and sexual acts she gave me. I was not very reassuring to her I was not cheating - played it out a bit. Probably my happiest time in the marriage. Ya I know - not healthy - what ever - after years of hurt - it felt good for a while (and did not have to cheat).

 

However - Your guy does not sound worried - he sounds controlling and abusive. I think this is a different issue.

Edited May 6, 2017 by dichotomy

[NTV]

I guess, coming back to this thread, it also depends on the kinda person you are.

I know prior to my marriage I wasn't a good guy. Awesome? Oh hell yeah! Good? Not so much.

I could see myself having a revenge affair. Or affairs. I could see myself enjoying it and it never coming to light. I could see getting awesome sex more than I could handle.

I could see myself not ever feeling an ounce of guilt. Why would I? Hell, I've done worse things. I didn't owe my wife anything anymore. Why spell commitmint? (Lol)

But there was another part of me that had grown up during the marriage... The part of me that wanted the best for my kids. The part of me that acts like a responsible adult and upstanding gentleman to set an example for them. Was I really ready to throw that part of me away? I wasn't.

Lol, the old me from before the marriage would have called me a chicken****. The me now doesn't care. I know my role as a father are part of who I am now. And I like that part of me. I can take pride in it.

[Vesalio]

Yes when I decided to stay with him it felt like starting a completely new relationship with a stranger I didn't even Like but really hoping it would work out! I have got over the loathing and hate towards him but things will never be the same as before he cheated. I do love him and I know cheating on him would never solve anything. yes I think that feeling will pass eventually. For me I think I think about being with another man because it excites me to think that somone else could desire me. Because he made me feel like nothing

 

That is exactly what i'm going through right now. To the "T". It sucks. Bad.

[Overtaxed]

I guess, coming back to this thread, it also depends on the kinda person you are.

I know prior to my marriage I wasn't a good guy. Awesome? Oh hell yeah! Good? Not so much.

I could see myself having a revenge affair. Or affairs. I could see myself enjoying it and it never coming to light. I could see getting awesome sex more than I could handle.

I could see myself not ever feeling an ounce of guilt. Why would I? Hell, I've done worse things. I didn't owe my wife anything anymore. Why spell commitmint? (Lol)

But there was another part of me that had grown up during the marriage... The part of me that wanted the best for my kids. The part of me that acts like a responsible adult and upstanding gentleman to set an example for them. Was I really ready to throw that part of me away? I wasn't.

Lol, the old me from before the marriage would have called me a chicken****. The me now doesn't care. I know my role as a father are part of who I am now. And I like that part of me. I can take pride in it.

 

You just described me perfectly. I could have done it without the slightest hesitation before I met my wife. And now I could do it with the best possible justification (she did it first). I was a fun guy like you, but I was a terrible man to women before my W.

 

And here I sit, cheated on, without the slightest urge to do anything but repair our relationship. No desire to cheat, no desire to get revenge (well, OK, I'd love to beat the OM 1/2 to death, but, come on, I'm not a monk). I guess it really is "growing up". Sad it takes some of us so long to get there (and leave such devastation behind us).