Scoooby Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 I've just broken up with my ex partner after 4 and a half years. We were friends before the relationship started for 4 years. Not sure if this has happened to anyone else? My ex had split her her husband and six months after we just happened. She was going through a tough time with the divorce and all the bits and pieces that come with a divorce. Anyway, I was there for her, travelling up North every weekend to get her through it, on the phone to her every day. She eventually moved down South after a year of our relationship. I got her through her divorce, nursed her through two hip operations, nursed her through a nervous breakdown, death of her Mother, I was the brains of getting her ex husband out of there former home through the courts with the house being sold, moved her into a new home down South, basically rebuilt her confidence and as a person. When her former home was sold, she got thousands of pounds from the sale of the house (that was 3 and half years of us being together) she then dumped me two days after the sale of the house and after everything I did for her previously. Like a fool I took her back after 3 months and we lasted another year until recently and she dumped me again saying her feelings have changed and she only loves me like a friend. I have seen such a different side to her in the last 6 months, she was quite sly and could see no wrong with her behaviour towards me, it was like butter wouldn't melt in public but behind closed doors she was a different person and the emotional abuse I now realise I suffered is immense. She told everyone that her ex husband gave her a tough time in the marriage and he was this and that, the marriage was abusive towards her etc etc. However some of her behaviour I have witnessed towards me had been eye opening. She has told me her feelings have now changed towards me and not in love with me no more. She is a completely different person and is now saying she needs to find herself and there is no more me and her. I just feel that now I've gotten her on her feet and she has done this, I feel usedetc etc - she cannot see no wrong in herself or her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 You were just a rebound nothing more. She played you for what she needed at the time and has moved on which if you're smart you'll do. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 I am so sorry this has happened. It is always a risk getting involved with someone just before/during/shortly after a relationship has broken down. There is the risk the person will lean on you for their own needs. It sounds like this is what happened, though of course she could have genuinely loved you before her feelings changed. It's a very painful situation for you to have given so much and to have this happen. She was so lucky you were there for her. I don't know how to help with the pain you must be feeling, except to say it is perfectly understandable. From what you say, it sounds like she is saying some of the same things she said about her ex, only she is saying them about you now. It may well be that you have now seen her true character. All this ending shortly after she has got her house and payment does seem suspicious. I am sure you must feel incredibly angry. All I can say is be the bigger guy and leave her to it. Cut her off completely and do not give her the chance to be abusive or to mess you around any more. Have you got somewhere to stay? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoooby Posted April 10, 2017 Author Share Posted April 10, 2017 Hi Yes I have got somewhere to stay thank you. Looking at the whole situation now, she would always say her ex husband used to bully her, however not that I condone some of the things that have herd went on in her marriage, I can now understand it was like it was being on the end of some of behaviour towards me, it's like the bullied has become the now bullier if that makes any sense? Looking back she started to change towards me about 3 - 6 months before I eventually got her back on her feet mentally, physically, emotionally and regaining her confidence. She would go hot and cold on me and when I would try to discuss things with her she would tell me it's just her and everything is fine. However she didn't like it when I pointed some things out about how she was behaving towards me and wouldn't listen, say it was me being insensitive etc, but when any of her friends came calling with problems she was there for them. She was very clever with her wording towards me and it finally got to the point for me not to discuss anything with her because I just knew how it would turn out trying to discuss things with her. I feel she has taken and abused my loyalty, caring, love etc etc for granted and also myself for granted. She tells me her ex husband was everything in her marriage you don't want anyone to be and left him and she has now left a person who was the complete opposite of her ex husband. All I have got from her is she now needs to find herself, she don't want a man or relationship etc etc. She has told me she deeply loves me but only as a friend, however I just cannot help it's the grass is greener syndrome. I know what I have to do is cut her off and let her just get on with it, she always used to tell me that she always messes up in life but now have to find that out for herself. Myself I feel I have been emotionally abused over the 18 months something she won't and cannot see, as she has told me leaving me is her mistake to make. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 She feels she did nothing wrong because you did what you did to help her, because you loved her and she loved you, and that's what people who love each other do. But now that has changed. She doesn't want to be with you any more, and to be honest would you want her to stay with you just because she feels she owes you for helping her with her ex? That's not really much basis for a relationship. Also, perceptions differ. There is a song about your situation... it begins "You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar"... You sound like the classic "Nice Guy". If you haven't already then you should read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover (free download). I think you will identify a lot with what you read in there. It won't help you deal with your ex (it sounds as though that horse has bolted) but may help you avoid this kind of thing in the future. In particular the unwritten contract chapter. You made an unwritten contract that if you help with her divorce and dealing with her ex, then she would love you forever. She never agreed to, or even knew of the existence, of that contract. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maldives Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Scooby I hope u find the strength that ur she ever did come back to u u dont and close that door. And on that I hope me n u both do this. I can relate. I stuck thru thick in thin wth the last ex only to be put in a really bad position at my own expense I've wised up and won't let this happen again. Be strong enough to walk away from this lady as hard as it is. She's no good for u and has no appreciation or love for the lengths u went for her. Wat it does demonstrate is is u may not see this but I do ur strength. If u can pick her up through all that crap imagine wat u can achieve on ur own right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoooby Posted April 10, 2017 Author Share Posted April 10, 2017 Goodguy05 I have to say I have not thought about it quite like that re what I can do for myself, thank you. Crazy because instead of thinking straight due to getting caught up in all the muddle, you are so right. I feel the road to recovery is looking at her as the person on the inside rather than what I seen on the outside. It's been 2 months now since the break up and I've had a few texts from her saying how guilty she is and feeling for what she has done, cares for me etc etc but she still needs to find herself. I know deep down that she will never be able to be trusted again and she will make a mistake maybe, but now she's not my worry anymore to pick her up if and then that happens. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maldives Posted April 11, 2017 Share Posted April 11, 2017 Goodguy05 I have to say I have not thought about it quite like that re what I can do for myself, thank you. Crazy because instead of thinking straight due to getting caught up in all the muddle, you are so right. I feel the road to recovery is looking at her as the person on the inside rather than what I seen on the outside. It's been 2 months now since the break up and I've had a few texts from her saying how guilty she is and feeling for what she has done, cares for me etc etc but she still needs to find herself. I know deep down that she will never be able to be trusted again and she will make a mistake maybe, but now she's not my worry anymore to pick her up if and then that happens. Yes again i can relate to the trust part we love them still but the actual break up has caused too much damage they have nuked the relationship and destroyed wat was left of the love u had. It's now harder great she found herself but lost u in return. Unfortunately they come back only wen they know we've let go. Somehow they pick up on the energy and then they call lol a bit late 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoooby Posted April 12, 2017 Author Share Posted April 12, 2017 I'm now in a bit of a predicament. Was only explaining on here in the last week that my ex girlfriend who I was with for four and half years finished the relationship 2 months ago after me rebuilding her life and as a person in the time I was with her. Her reasons were she only loves me as a friend and needs to find herself for ending the relationship. Now yesterday after 2 months apart she has contacted me to say she wants to hang out together. I basically rebuilt her life in the 4 and half years we were together. Now she has contacted me and the easiest thing is to meet her but struggling with what do for the best. I know what I need to do but easier said than done. I have yet to respond to her text!! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 It's a breadcrumb. Seeing her will probably cause you more pain. If you want to reconcile but can't bear to see her & not date her, tell her that. Make it clear that if she's not offering getting back together the kindest thing she can do for you is stay away 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jamili Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 It's a breadcrumb. Seeing her will probably cause you more pain. If you want to reconcile but can't bear to see her & not date her, tell her that. Make it clear that if she's not offering getting back together the kindest thing she can do for you is stay away I agree with this however i wouldn't hint at it being "difficult" or "hard" to see her because, ad true as that might be, you dont want to look weak or hurting IMO. Just assert your boundaries and ask why she wants to meet up. If its just as "friends", respectfully decline and go back to NC. Or, just keep NC and dont respond at all. Definitely wouldn't go in there blind. Almost certainly isnt about reconciliation, and you dont want to be too eager either way as it might turn her off and make you look needy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 To "hang out with you"? As a friend? But she already told you she loves you as a friend, and I understand you didn't accept her offer to be friends. So why would she make the same offer you already declined? If that is what she offers, it means that you mean nothing to her, she doesn't care about you at all. All she wants is to use you, without pay any attention to how much this can hurt you. After all, you helped her to rebuilding her life before. Why should she give up a useful builder like you? She doesn't give a damn about you. Now remind me, why is it so hard to ignore a selfish self centered girl? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 She probably wants to tell you that her new BF has proposed and she is going to say yes, and would love you to be in the front row at the wedding. Do you need to hear that kind of stuff? Will that help you move on? DON'T. REPLY. Link to post Share on other sites
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