symphony1125 Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Hi guys, (meant to post this in this forum first, but accidentally posted in the infidelity section) When my wife and I first got together, the sex was absolutely great! We were always wanting to try new things, play games, and even use toys from time to time to keep it interesting... However soon after we got married, the topic of having a child came up...often. Eventually, I began to think that it would be great to have a child of my own, to raise and to love. We tried for three months... I mean, we tried a lot... my wife wanted to have sex three times a day, quickies when I came home for lunch, etc, etc... I thought it was great! It seemed like the moment we got pregnant, our sex life slowed down, a WHOLE lot. Now don't get me wrong, my wife has, on occasion, put on something lacy, and lit a few candles, and we do have sex...but it is way too few and far in between... sometimes once a week, most times once or twice every two or three weeks. Sex is very important for me in this marriage, I have explained that to her, time and time again with the utmost respect and such. It also seems as if I'm the only one who has ever done the communicating as well. I had a talk with her about a week ago about our sex life...and she agreed, it is dull, and the act of it, is few and far between, yet she still does nothing to change it... I constantly have been getting rejected since my wife's pregnancy, and I don't mean to sound like a stereo typical guy (meaning always thinking nothing more but sex), but the absolute stress from having no sex life (b/c it is a serious thing to me, as in, it's much more than just getting off) has taken its toll, time and time again. She doesn't understand how I could get angry or feel unloved or whatever I am at the moment, b/c of our lack of sex life. What do you guys think?? We've been married for over two years, and most of it has been a total lack of our intimate/private life?? I mean, sometimes I think walking would just be so much easier than constantly fighting what seems to be a losing battle. Any suggestions?? And yes, by the way, we've already been to marriage counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Brandi Renee Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 I feel your pain except the roles are reversed............ and I have a full grown 7 eyar old, so there are no excuses - but this is the SAME thing I am dealing with as well. Its very frustrating and I have thought of walking/cheating just to get satisfied but I really dont want to get to that point. Link to post Share on other sites
Heavenlyflower9 Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 My H and I are dealing with the same problem. After our first child..my sex drive just went down the drain. Why ? I have no idea! Maybe the pregnancy had something to do with it? It's really hard to explain! I just was'nt in the mood for it. If it was up to me..we'd go for weeks without it. Don't get me wrong...when we get in to it..yeah i like it and it feels good. But i feel, i don't need it as much as he does. We talk about it....seen a MC and i'm trying to get better. Like wear sexy lingerie to get in the mood and watch pornos. He still does'nt understand.... Hey.. i heard that most women don't reach the peak of their sex drive (libido) unitl the age of 30. I don't know...i have 2 years Just talk to her again about it. Do something romantic for her. I hope i helped somehow. She's not the only one out there. My H is still trying to figure it out too. Smile! Heavenlyflower Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Please get a copy of The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. Also His Needs, Her Needs by Harley Willard (or Willard Harley???). You have a deep-seated emotional need for enthusiastic physical intimacy with your wife...just like she needs your affection and family commitment. Marriage works when you both meet each other's needs. Guess what...every one is an individual and the marriage partner needs to understand their spouse's needs and MEET tham. Two-way street. She can learn to be a great and enthusiastic lover even if her current desire level is low. Please take this problem SERIOUSLY. It can lead to ruined marriages. Get the books and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author symphony1125 Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 One thing that I just do not understand is that she acknowledges the fact that we need to work on our intimate life... I mean she actually says "Yes I agree we need to work on it" but does absolutely nothing about it! Even when I try doubly hard, with romanticism and the whole lot. Sometimes I'll even give her a massage, and just leave it at that, cuddling at the end of it, and nothing works! It's really discouraging, and yes, the temptation to walk or cheat has been there, although I would never actually cheat, I think it would be more like walking b/c of unmet needs and having my heart broken after I pour it all out time after time. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by symphony1125 One thing that I just do not understand is that she acknowledges the fact that we need to work on our intimate life... I mean she actually says "Yes I agree we need to work on it" but does absolutely nothing about it! Even when I try doubly hard, with romanticism and the whole lot. Sometimes I'll even give her a massage, and just leave it at that, cuddling at the end of it, and nothing works! It's really discouraging, and yes, the temptation to walk or cheat has been there, although I would never actually cheat, I think it would be more like walking b/c of unmet needs and having my heart broken after I pour it all out time after time. Tell her how it makes you feel, being rejected by her. She does have to make the same efforts back. You can't be the only one doing all the leg work here. She HAS to understand the affects of her actions on you. Not having sex is one thing but not returning the intimacy, cuddles and massages is kind of selfish. Keep the communication going and do couples therapy. Good luck and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
cranium Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Sex is very important for me in this marriage, I have explained that to her, time and time again with the utmost respect and such. It also seems as if I'm the only one who has ever done the communicating as well. but the absolute stress from having no sex life (b/c it is a serious thing to me, as in, it's much more than just getting off) has taken its toll, time and time again. Your situation is hauntingly familiar. I also explained to MW time and again until I became apathetic and resigned to the fact nothing was going to change. MW said our arguments were always about sex. We have been married 16 years and it got to the point I stopped being very affectionate outside the bedroom. I felt totally unwanted and undesired. My mistake was not talking more. Once I withdrew, she felt her needs weren't being met, so she had an A last year. OM was so good at fulfilling her needs for conversation (talking about my lack of attention) and admiration that she decided he could fulfill her sexual needs also. Your W needs to comprehend how important your need for intimacy with her is; she can't marry you, tell you she is the only one you can have sex with and then NOT have sex with you. Check out the books SoleMate referenced and take a look at the Emotional Needs questionnaires over at Marriagebuilders website. Try counseling again. Are you meeting her needs? MW is finally starting to understand how important this is to me. Too bad it took so long and her being unfaithful to reach this point. Link to post Share on other sites
octaman Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by symphony1125 One thing that I just do not understand is that she acknowledges the fact that we need to work on our intimate life... I mean she actually says "Yes I agree we need to work on it" but does absolutely nothing about it! Even when I try doubly hard, with romanticism and the whole lot. Sometimes I'll even give her a massage, and just leave it at that, cuddling at the end of it, and nothing works! It's really discouraging, and yes, the temptation to walk or cheat has been there, although I would never actually cheat, I think it would be more like walking b/c of unmet needs and having my heart broken after I pour it all out time after time. I'm in the same boat you are, I have been trying for about 2 months with a partner I love and loves me but has no sexual desire at all, and to be honest, I'll do my best, I told myself I will do everything I can for 6 months, if nothing changes I'm going to do the only thing I can for my own mental health and happiness in life and move on. I love my wife, but I can't go through life with a unhappy sex life no matter how much I love someone, I'm a very sexual person and the person I spend my life with will have to be as well. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Tell her how it makes you feel, being rejected by her. naah...I disagree. The sensitive and expressing feelings approach won't work here. He needs to take major action like moving out of the house and tell her that he will come back if and when she is ready for sex. Period, end of story and debate. A hard line needs to be drawn in the sand here. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 If counseling doesn't work, then it's time to go. She's gotten comfortable, because you put up with it, and she knows you won't leave, even though she knows you're not happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author symphony1125 Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 Just a bit more information about the situation... I have sat down rationally, many times, and have told her (yes, w/o raising my voice) exactly what intimacy means to me, how important it is, and how bad and unwanted she makes me feel, when there seems to be a lack of existance concerning that part of our live. She apologizes, seems to listen well...but in the long run, I conclude that she's listening, but not really LISTENING, ya know? I mean, like I told her before, (as she keeps reassuring me that I'm a great husband and father) 'we have a lot of work to do, but sometimes, I'm just tired of working constantly'. Now I'm not saying that I'm giving up just yet, but working your a** day after day, giving, and giving to make sure everyone in your family is pleased (with the exception of you) gets a bit tiresome when your relationship lacks something so fundamental as intimacy, sex, or whatever you want to call it. I mean the way I look at it...having sex with my wife whom I love is what makes us husband and wife and seperates us from just being best friends. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Are you going to get the books? I assure you they have the detailed, practical advice you need. Specific steps to take. So......??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author symphony1125 Posted July 30, 2005 Author Share Posted July 30, 2005 Yes, as a matter of fact, I've already picked up the books this evening from B&N and have read the first chapter out of both of them...they seem to be helpful thus far...I mean not that anything has changed, but with the knowledge provided by both books, and by application of the knowledge hopefully something will. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Fantatsic to hear that you have taken some positive steps. It shows you are willing to put in the effort and focus that WILL be required to fix this. If you want a happy marriage that lasts a lifetime, it will require this kind of special effort time and again...like all good things. As we mostly know, you don't build something great without plenty of heavy lifting. Here's to hoping you get (and feel) lucky in the very near future. Link to post Share on other sites
Blackfrost Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 This happened to me in my first marriage, and I did exactly what octaman says here: I told myself I will do everything I can for 6 months, if nothing changes I'm going to do the only thing I can for my own mental health and happiness in life and move on. I love my wife, but I can't go through life with a unhappy sex life no matter how much I love someone, I'm a very sexual person and the person I spend my life with will have to be as well. Ultimately after 6 months of trying everything (while she did nothing) I decided it was time to divorce. Even though it was emotionally devestating to me at the time - when the pain finally subsided and I met the "right" girl later on - I was able to reconcile the feelings of "maybe i'm asking too much of my partner." My wife now, who was the "right" girl, proved that you can have your cake and eat it too. Sex is not an issue with her, and never has been. Don't settle for unhappiness, or you've cheated yourself out of how good the right relationship can be. Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by Blackfrost My wife now, who was the "right" girl, proved that you can have your cake and eat it too. Sex is not an issue with her, and never has been. That is great BLACKFROST....its nice to know there are a few women out there that don't use sex as a way to get what they want or as a "reward" for their man when he is good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author symphony1125 Posted July 30, 2005 Author Share Posted July 30, 2005 OK, so I got the books and started reading them... I like the books a lot, however my wife seems to lack interest. I tried just talking to her today about it, she made me feel guilty, like I should've known our marriage would lack a sex life forever, but I explained to her way before we got married that sex to me is not just sex, it's more than just a physical connection, its the most emotional connection that I can have to her, its the most wonderful connection, it's a spiritual connection. I'm a very genuine, straight-up kind of guy, and I don't like my emotions being played on especially when I deem someone trustworthy enough to spill them to. I can't explain the whole 'sex' thing any better than that, it's just what it is. I mean I was reading 'The Sex Starved Marriage' last night, and it said something like 'Your wife tells you that she loves you, but she's not into sex, so don't expect to get it from her or from anyone else..what's wrong with this picture?' Exactly right?! I mean, am I so selfish to have thunk those thoughts before? I mean, c'mon, I put everything that I have into our marriage, love, time, money, devotion, honesty, communication, respect...everything! I come home every night to my wife, I'm faithful, loyal, and I'm not even a bad looking guy... In my mind, what could possibly be wrong with my wife not wanting to have sex with me. I told her today, that I cannot stay in a marriage where a love life doesn't exist, or where she's not willing to even try and work on herself. Her answer you ask??..... "Fine then, divorce me because I don't want to have sex with you!" Sometimes I think that there is an underlying reason.... maybe someone abused her before I met her... possibly some guy raped her. I mean, unless she is cheating on me, which I highly doubt, there has to be some reason as to why. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by symphony1125 "Fine then, divorce me because I don't want to have sex with you!" that is your answer right there, bud.... one of the main reasons for marrying is to have a safe, willing and steady sexual partner Link to post Share on other sites
Author symphony1125 Posted July 30, 2005 Author Share Posted July 30, 2005 Yeah, that's what I thought too... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Nope... She doesn't mean it. She sees you prioritizing sex as more important than your love for her. Not true, I'm sure, but perception is much the same as TRUTH, in that whatever she believes is TRUE for her. I'm going to see if I can find an old thread for you..... Link to post Share on other sites
Blackfrost Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 that is your answer right there, bud.... one of the main reasons for marrying is to have a safe, willing and steady sexual partner A great quote! and i would like to add on to the end of it by saying: one of the main reasons for marrying is to have a safe, willing and steady sexual partner - as well as a completely trusted allie whose got your back through everything single quirk that life throws at you. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 She sees you prioritizing sex as more important than your love for her. Not true, I'm sure, but perception is much the same as TRUTH, in that whatever she believes is TRUE for her. one problem here is that most women need love first to have sex and most men need sex first to have love.....what a conundrum Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by symphony1125 Yeah, that's what I thought too... I bet if you challenged her a bit she'd respond. Right now she's got you by the balls, and she knows it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Here it is: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49416//15-1?highlight=flavius The coolest thing about this particular thread is the attitude of the originating poster. It's not that he's completely unbothered by the problem of lop-sided libidos....avery common problem. But he IS unfettered by it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale one problem here is that most women need love first to have sex and most men need sex first to have love.....what a conundrum I agree. And unfortunately, too many women are unwilling to be the first to embrace a change in attitude. It hurts ALOT when you feel like your man has more use for your vagina, than he has for your brain...or your heart. A woman who can FINALLY let go of that hurt, will be more likely to adopt a new attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
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