Marriage has little to no sex life...WHATSOEVER!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by New_Wife

LOL @ Alpha. clearly then, you've never worked opposite shifts with a partner, paying a mortgage, raising a bunch of kids.

my point was that these things are always gonna exist in any relationship to some degree....make the time and stop giviing excuses.

[Moose]

Sex is an important issue when you're considering a liftetime comittment with someone. I don't think it should be the deciding factor though. Nor should it be the deciding factor in considering a divorce. (Unless it's a case where one strayed outside of the marriage just for sex).

 

There are other ingredients to a marriage. Same goals, caring for one another, raising a family, retirement......sex frequencies will always vary, and unlike Alpha.......I believe it most certainly is excusable......

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Moose

, and unlike Alpha.......I believe it most certainly is excusable......

So if MRS MOOSE put an embargo on the nookie for the rest of the marriage then you'd be OK with that?

[New_Wife]

Dude, you read into it what you want - but I'm not the one who's too tired. My H works from 7 in the eve to 5AM. I get up when he gets home and go to work until 5 PM. The kids, for some reason, insist on eating dinner every night, and the hubby kinds of likes that too - so then we're down to what? 10 minutes to rush off and knock boots?

 

Weekends are our times. Ideally, our job situation will change and then we'll be on it like rodeo riders again someday, but for now - we prioritize our family and their needs. No excuses - just life.

[Moose]

Originally posted by alphamale

So if MRS MOOSE put an embargo on the nookie for the rest of the marriage then you'd be OK with that?

I married Mrs. Moose because she's my best friend. She's the only one that really knows me and who I am, what I stand for. If she, for some unsound reason, decided that she no longer wanted sex in her life, so be it. I didn't marry her because she has sex with me.

[Mz. Pixie]

Moose-

You're a rare breed indeed and I applaud you for your integrity and honesty.

 

Symphony- I was thinking about this on the way to work this morning. Perhaps you're not meeting her particular love language? Have you gotten that book? The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Everyone's is different.

 

For instance, my number one need is affection, lots of it. My number two is acts of service- you know doing things for me. In my first marriage for some reason I always did things for my exh and he never appreciated them. I've come to think I thought his love language was acts of service but it was not it was something else!

 

In my marriage now, we have the same top two love languages and that helps us meet the others needs. Perhaps what you're doing for her is what you would want done for you but isn't what works for her. Try reading the book together and ask her what she wants to feel loved.

[jmargel]

Moose,

 

Part of the reality though is that men equate love with having sex with their gf/wife. It's not necessarily the act itself, it what it represents. Having sex with the one you love is like falling in love with them all over again for that brief period of time.

 

I didn't read the post, just the title and skimmed through some responses, I know I should've read them all. However I just needed to point that out.

[Moose]

Originally posted by jmargel

Moose,

 

Part of the reality though is that men equate love with having sex with their gf/wife. It's not necessarily the act itself, it what it represents. Having sex with the one you love is like falling in love with them all over again for that brief period of time.

 

I didn't read the post, just the title and skimmed through some responses, I know I should've read them all. However I just needed to point that out.

I understand that jmargel. More than you know. BUT, if you were to weigh things out in a marriage, sex shouldn't be the scale tipper. If it is, you should probably look into more reasons why you should marry, (if you're not already). If you don't have enough weight to offset the sex, you're setting yourself up for failure, (or, you shouldn't of married in the first place.)

 

That's part of the problem anymore........I fall in love with my wife all over again everyday, every morning when I see her curled up in a lil' ball next to me sleeping with a half smile on her face, when she's busy doing her motherly duties, (especially when she doesn't know I'm watching her).......when we tease each other like teenagers......there's SOOOOO much more to marriage than sex.

 

It would pain me more to lose my wife forever, (divorce), than to grow old never having sex again.

[jmargel]

I know moose, but you are the exception. When you don't get sex (making love) for months then you have suspecions, feel rejected, unloved, etc.. Sex is a major part of a relationship it's an initimate way of showing how you love your spouse.

 

When there is a lack of sex, that is usually a sign of more problems in the relationship.

[Moose]

Originally posted by jmargel

I know moose, but you are the exception. When you don't get sex (making love) for months then you have suspecions, feel rejected, unloved, etc.. Sex is a major part of a relationship it's an initimate way of showing how you love your spouse.

 

When there is a lack of sex, that is usually a sign of more problems in the relationship.

True, and I agree with Mz. Pixie about finding the OP's wife's love language.....BUT!!!, sex isn't the only way to show intimacy, and love, the sooner you lose that train of thought, the better. Discover other ways, and I guarantee you a happier wife, and life.

[sunflower1008]

Originally posted by jmargel

I know moose, but you are the exception. When you don't get sex (making love) for months then you have suspecions, feel rejected, unloved, etc.. Sex is a major part of a relationship it's an initimate way of showing how you love your spouse.

 

Jmargel, I couldn't have said it better myself. I agree totally.

 

And moose, it's not that everything you say isn't true with regards to there are other things to make you love your wife (cuddling, teasing, just watching her)...it's just that sex COMPLETES the picture and should make both of you feel wonderful.

[symphony1125]

Hmm.... For lady jane (because this forum has gotten really sick...yeah right), I agreed a lot with what you said, but the conclusion that you drew (about me using sex as a weapon) was COMPLETELY, and I do mean COMPLETELY incorrect, and you were wrong for saying so as well.

 

First off all, there was a lot more to bringing home a trailer to move her crap out than just, 'oh poor me, we don't have sex'...How would you feel if you spent your whole marriage, pouring your heart out about EVERYTHING, (your goals, your dreams, family, children, etc, etc) only to get a shrug in return, or an 'Well I don't know what you want me to say'? How exactly would you feel if you came home from work EVERYDAY (mind you, she is the stay at home mom) and instead of being able to relax you were asked what we were having for dinner...or how about coming home most times and finding out that responsibilities were not taken care off.

 

In short Lady Jane, I appreciate your advice, I really do, but you ARE NOT a fly on my wall, do not pretend to be. I come here for advice not criticism about what kind of a person I am.

 

I never mentioned any of the other factors because this topic is supposed to be about a SEXLESS marriage, not a marriage where bills arent being taken care of on pay day. It's not a topic about a marriage where you can't talk to the other partner, the aim was, 'Hey give me some advice because our love life is nowhere where it used to be, and I feel extremely unloved'

 

However, had you asked questions before pointing a finger and assuming that I'm this horrible guy who uses sex as a weapon, I would've never been posting this. Yes I am new to the site, and I appreciate your input, just not your criticism.

[symphony1125]

Post partum deppresion...no actually I've never even thought of that. That's a really good point, maybe I should read some information on that as well.

 

No I don't have that book, but I did pick up the other two that SoulMate suggested. My wife said she'll read, 'The Sex Starved Marriage' while I continue to read 'His Needs, Her Needs'

 

This is what I told my wife this evening:

 

I love you with everything, and I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. I'm thankful for the life that we have. We have wonderful children, a nice house, nice things, and you of course. I can't think of anything better.

 

I also asked her to work hard with me this time, and address all the issues of our marriage together.

 

She told me that she couldn't stand to be without me and that she will work with me to make our marriage whole again.

 

So far, so good...we just have to keep working. The last time we tried, she stopped first, and so did I eventually.

 

 

PS: Brandi...my private messaging is enabled.

[Mz. Pixie]

Good for you S!

 

You know, I forgot to add the other day that I read that women who have regular orgasms with their partner feel more connected to them than women who don't. I would have never thought of that before but that's great research!

[Ladyjane14]

Well, I'm definately NOT "a fly on your wall"....quite glad about it too actually!

 

You may feel unfairly criticized by my disagreement with your position, but I can only develop opinion based on what you, yourself, have posted.

 

I'll freely admit that "sick" is strong verbiage, and I did most certainly 'see red' at the thought of a young mother being forcibly evicted from her home for noncompliance with her husband's directives.

 

She's not here to represent herself though, is she? It's all too easy to light the torches and grab the pitchforks when we're only presented with one perspective.

 

I'm in the "been there and done that" club on this issue. I've worked extremely hard to develop an understanding of my husband's side of the issue. The bulk of my posts on this subject reflect that, I think. But I identify with the woman's perspective.

 

A woman is not marinating in testosterone all day. She doesn't feel the constant, nagging urge to procreate that a man does.

 

I once watched a program about men who were getting sex-change operations. During one interview, a subject who had begun hormone therapy, expressed absolute relief in the absence of these sexual thoughts and urges. For him, it was something that he hadn't been fully conscious of until it was eliminated. Like white noise, I imagine

 

I find that story interesting, and I do try to understand it. But I can't feel it. No more than you can feel the effects of estrogen in large quantities. It's not something you can identify with....but I do guarantee that NONE of you guys would enjoy PMS.

 

This is why I urge people who are in a state of sexual dysfunction to reach for understanding of one another. It worked for me.

 

You might never get it exactly right, but it'll be as close as it gets without committing to a sex-change for yourself.

 

And understanding beats the heck out of escalating, hands down. It might be YEARS before you win back her trust after the "moving trailer" episode. Personally, if a man had done that to me....I'd have got in the car and hauled that trailer on down the road. You're lucky she didn't take you up on it.

 

With small exception, I do believe families should stick together. Your spouse IS your family. Afterall, you wouldn't tell 'Little Susie', "Sorry honey, go ahead and put your dollbabies on the truck. You didn't clean your room, so now you have to go". You wouldn't treat your child that way, why would you treat your wife that way? Either the love for a family member is unconditional....or it's not.

 

It's not that I've never recommended to anyone that they should call it quits. I think I posted "cut bait" just today on another thread. It's sometimes best to get away from your "family members" when they are actively inflicting pain on you. But you've only been in this for two short years. You have a child together, and no one seems to have done anything unforgivable yet.

 

This problem really isn't even remarkable in the grand scheme of things. There isn't any reason, aside from possibly mutual stubborness, why you two can't find a solution that's equitable for you both.

 

But you've got some work to do. You may not agree with me, but I think in the "moving trailer" incident, you showed your wife conditional love, love that only lasts for as long as she is compliant with your wants and needs. How can she fully trust you after that? How can you be a safe haven for her? How can she trust your connection with one another as familial?

 

You expressed a thought that your original question regarding sexless marriage was somewhat lost. But all these things are interconnected. Sexual dysfunction is only a symptom in the breakdown of a marital relationship. When the relationship problems are resolved, and the daily maintenance applied....the sex problem usually solves itself.

 

Anyway, good luck to you. Hopefully, the books will help you reach an understanding of one another....and you'll be well on your way to a better marriage

[symphony1125]

Lady Jane, I think that you are a bit confused. I thought that I made it clear that when I brought home that trailer, I wasn't quitting because we weren't having sex. I was quitting because, her actions, or the lack of her actions to do the basic things in a marriage were non existent as well.

 

It had been a long time since I was hugged or kissed or even asked how my day was when I came home tired from a long day of work on the mil base. When I would initiate conversation, she wouldn't reply, not even one peep. When I started to get depressed b/c of these issues (and MANY others), I tried to explain my feelings...her reply was that I was lecturing her like a child....all I was trying to do was tell her how this was effecting me, I made no demands as I thought that she would get the hint after I explained how distraught I was. I was shunned. We lived in Texas on a military base, and her home was in Ohio...my intent was to take her back home, not kick her on her a** without anything.

 

So you tell me if you would stay in a marriage in which emotion, passion, love, communication, etc, etc wasn't present for two years...tell me you wouldn't be discouraged after even seeing that your spouse didn't care, you went out to counselors, read books and articles, tried to have numerous conversations, and everything in between...and all this in vain b/c your spouse still didn't seem to care. She was not a victim here, I was living in a marriage where I couldn't even function at work. Supervisors, co workers, even my flight commander all asked me if everything was allright.

 

So no, it wasn't just about sex, b/c if it was, I'd be nothing but a genuine a**hole. I don't treat my wife like a whore, I show her respect, affection and love. Maybe we should get back on the topic here instead of me writing these silly posts in defense of myself.

[jmargel]

Symphony if you tried all of that and you are not getting any response then my only suggestion would be to just walk away from it all. Let her realize what she is missing. She has gotten so comfortable with you that she has taken you for granted.

 

Instead of what she calls 'lecturing' her, show action. You'll have to follow through with this though. When you tell her, tell her calmly that things just have not been working out between you two and that she needs to leave. Give her a week to find another place to stay. Are you sure there is not any other man in the picture?

 

I know what you are going through though, my wife can be that way as well. It hasn't been for two years like you but she has told me she's not an affectionate person. But it's just not that it's about wanting what you have, not what you don't. Maybe it's time like you said to move on with your life, you deserve to find someone who'll appreciate you.

[Brandi Renee]

lady jane is one in a million...................

[thegoodhubbie]

Originally posted by Brandi Renee

lady jane is one in a million...................

 

Could not agree more

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes, she truly is.......

 

Perhaps some of you here are not aware that Lady J has been here for a while and has consistently given people helpful advice. She's very well respected here.

Her perspective comes from where she is and where she has been. She has BEEN exactly in this situation, and her husband had a emotional affair.

 

Everyone has their own opinion and let's respect each of those. That's what makes LS great. Instead of feeling attacked because someone says something you're not comfortable with, file it under G for garbage if you're not interested.

[symphony1125]

I can see that Lady J gives good advice...

 

However, I don't think that she was getting the whole picture as she thought that I was ready to give up my marriage for unfullfillment of sex ONLY. That's where her advice came from, as if the possible divorce was due to sex ONLY...

 

I'm sure that Lady J is a wise person and all, but when giving advice it would be nice to know that the person giving advice has read and taken into consideration all of your posts, therefore encompassing the whole thing, and not just focusing on one part of it. All of the advice recieved by her was great until that one post where its at a point where I must defend myself...

[symphony1125]

BTW, I've got a question...

 

I started to think about this aspect since Lady J's last post.

 

Allright, what exactly is unconditional love?? I mean the definition is obvious, however, if unconditional love existed amongst humans, we wouldn't have things such as divorce. I mean if unconditional love existed b/w husband and wife wouldn't they always have to forgive and stay with eachother. I love my wife, with everything, and I do show her unconditional love so to speak, but I'm almost to the point where I think that unconditional love is just like everything else...it has conditions...

 

What do you guys think??

[Outcast]

No such thing as unconditional love, except that you get from your babies or your dog. However, there is understanding and compassion when someone is suffering and sometimes spouses have to put their own needs aside because their partners are suffering. And your wife could be suffering.

 

You said

and she agreed, it is dull, and the act of it, is few and far between, yet she still does nothing to change

but what is your wife's explanation for her lack of desire? Has she seen a physician about it? Are you sure she's not depressed (not necessarily postpartum but just depressed)? Did she offer any explanation? Is she getting too little sleep?

 

The first thing you need to do in situations like this is go for a physical checkup. Many things can cause loss of libido although her lack of responsiveness in other ways sounds like depression.

 

You've said you told her x and y and z but have you listened to her? Can you have a discussion about this in which all you do is ask how she's feeling about her life and about motherhood and marriage and being a wife? Perhaps she's not all that happy with being a mother and doesn't like herself for it. Maybe she didn't lose all the pregnancy weight and feels bad or hasn't time to get tidied up for you and feels like a frump. Maybe any number of things but if all you do is tell her what you want and need, you'll not find out why you're not getting it.

 

You need to get to the whys of this without making it about you. Don't tell her what you need or how you feel - find out what's going on with her. You can't solve a problem until you know what's causing it so that's what you need to do. All the massages in the world won't help if her problem is not about whether or not you are attentive.

 

I wasn't suprised to see this:

After our initial confrontation, when I told him in no uncertain terms that the marriage was over, and in a moment when I didn't even care why he had done what he did...the lightbulb came on. What I finally saw, was my husband's pain, his vulnerability.

 

It was the realization that, even though my own feelings had been very badly hurt....the damage to him had been devastating. And it was ME that had caused his pain, because I had dismissed his complaints for YEARS as being of less priority than the hurt he was causing to me.

 

I am under the continuing impression that a lot of women don't really believe that the men in their lives have feelings. Men aren't supposed to have them, after all, and society has done a great deal over the years to force men to pretend they're tough and invincible and that nothing as silly as what a woman does can affect them. It's possible that your wife thinks that of you but I'd explore all the other options first before trying to investigate this one.

[symphony1125]

Hmmm.... yes interesting point.

 

However, I have tried countless times, over and over again to talk to her. It's worse than trying to pull teeth. I'm very caring and genuine with my words, I've asked her to tell me exactly how she feels, etc, etc, and it's like playing a big guessing game. Most times she can be VERY hard to talk to, and she even agrees with me on that point. She was on anti depressants for a few months, but this was almost a year ago, and she is very happy to be a mother, I mean if you look at my first posts you'll see that she was the one that kept on bringing up having a baby, and I'm sure that she didn't regret it since she already had a son before we were married (my step son).

 

So in answer to all those that may think that I'm all about me and not for anyone else...yes, I have time after time, asked her how she feels about marriage, love, life, motherhood, etc. She's always had communication problems even while we were dating...silly me, I thought that if I kept showing my sincerness and genuine love that aspect of her would change (hence my signature quote).

 

BUT, good news...We've been reading those books together, and she said that they really hit home for her, and that she will work with me so that we BOTH can meet eachothers needs like we always should have!

[Mz. Pixie]

That's great news!

 

As for what Outcast said. I don't think it's particularly that we don't think men have feelings, its just that sometimes we do not get how they feel a certain way about sex. I think there is a tendency to think it's just because they are horndogs. It's not that, it's how they connect with their mates. I'm sure, of course, there are exceptions to everything, but I'm saying for most men in steady, committed relationships.