Marriage has little to no sex life...WHATSOEVER!

[jeanniemarie]

Sex has a whole lot to do with marriage. I agree. I knew that after i had my baby i had a lot of extra weight still so that was a barrier to. But i took a 2 week vacation and things seemed to get better my husband missed me and then he noticed how much weight i lost. It can get better good luck. Take a vacation

[Reallystarving]

You guys have no clue. You define "No sex life...Whatsoever" as 1-2 times per week?? Try twice a year. My wife and I used to argue about sex (6-7 years ago). Same situation, I wanted it more frequently, she always had excuses:

 

I'm tired, I hate my job, I hate this job too, I don't hate my job but I'm not really fulfilled at work,

The kid's awake, kid's home, kid's away but he still lives here and could be home in a day or two,

I wish you would do more around the house, I wish we did housework together, I'm tired from doing housework together

I would feel more like it if we were engaged, if we were married, I'm too fat, etc.

 

One by one each excuse got solved but no change in the sex dept. Our discussions would become arguments and then fights. She takes any statement of unhappiness on my part as an attack (no matter how presented, I had years to try every approach), and snaps back. She seems more concerned with who's fault it is than what the problem is, and spends the whole time justifying herself or listing my shortcomongs (which can be plentiful at times). By the time we finished, I felt like a perverted sex predator because I wanted her to have sex more freqently than every couple of weeks and I wanted her to touch me from time to time. Also she can hold a grudge a lot longer than I can. The fallout would last days, so I think twice about saying anything.

 

After feeling unwanted, unattractive, unloved, and depraved, I began investigating ways to kill my sex drive. I researched "anti-aphrodisiacs", but they're all dangerous (think saltpeter). So, since it is all mental, I tried to control it myself. I stopped looking at her when she dressed. I stopped touching her as I passed. I kiss her goodnight on her forehead. Got to admit, we aren't very affectionate at all.

 

Most of the time, I can keep my libido in check and it doesn't really bother me anymore. What gets me is on the rare (2-4 a year for the past few years) occaisions that she decides (for God knows what reason) that she wants to have sex. It does two things. First, it makes me think of it again, and second, I don't enjoy it that much. All the bad connotations and feelings of rejection become refreshed. It's not that much fun. I actually don't want to, but don't want to go through the fight if I refuse (how's that for a turn around?).

 

I've read the books (some time ago, in fact) and had to chuckle when Weiner-Davis said on the Today Show that sex-starved is 10 times a year! Sounds pretty good to me.

 

We have tried a few approaches to bring back some sizzle, but she quits after a day or two. Unfortunately, the books assume that both parties are actually willing to fix their sex lives. If only one is willing, it won't work. As she points out in the book, the one with the lower libido calls the shots. My wife is willing for me to change. So, I have. Fights are WAY down.

 

Other than our sex life, our marriage isn't in trouble. I love her very much, and don't want to leave. I haven't had an affair (not even close), but I am not remotely happy with the situation. I don't know how I would react if a real opportunity presented itself. I'd like to think that I would take the high ground, but we all think that.

 

Now if anyone has suggestions that don't involve "Leave the bitch", I'd be interested. Sadly, if they depend on her working at it, they are destined to fail.

[symphony1125]

Wow...all I can say is that with any problem, you guys both have to realize that it is in fact a problem and work together...easier said than done, I know, but even in the case of my wife, our sex life has started to improve dramatically, since we've been reading together...does your wife know how important this is to you?

[wizdom]

I sympathize with you husbands out there. Not trying to turn this into a relgious debate but it even says in the BIlbe that a wife needs to fulfill her husbands needs and not leave him lacking so that he desires another. That does not give you husbands ground to cheat or to just give up on the marriage. But i will say this it is better to leave before you commit adultry. Try going to Christian marriage counsling so that she can get some sound doctrine. God created you man and he put the sexual desires in you and he created us women to be for you and to fulfill you and to complete you.

 

I can understand somethimes when you wife does not want to have sex but all the time that is selfish and hurtful. I believe that sex was created for husband and wifes so if your not married you shouldn't be having sex anyways. But to you who are married, God even commented on a mans desire and a need for his wife to satisfy him.

 

I can say this that i don't always feel like having sex but i know that if i don't perform my duty to my husband that another women will. After my first child my sex life was fine, but after i had my daughter I don't have a strong desire for sex and could probally go with out it. I do find that when i do get into it and just let my mind go i really enjoy. Sometimes it hurts but my husband is sensitive to my needs and adjust so that we can both enjoy it. Maybe you wife is having a battle in her mind. For women 90% of sex is in you mind. So she has to let it all go so that she can truley experience the intamicy with you.

 

Have you tried doing some of the things that use to get her off before you had children. Maybe she should try a sex inhancer pill to get her in the mood like levitra i think it's called. As long as it's not affecting her health she should try what ever means necessary to get back her sexual desire to please you especially if she belives that you are such a good husband and father. She needs to be a good wife. Try talking to her doctor with her of course and see if there is something she can get to inhance her libido. Or even try a glass of wine or tow to help her get ride of some of her exibitions. Also what works for me is a clit massager try getting one of those so that she can have her clit massaged while your penetrating her at least to me it is an awesome feeling.

[passingby]

I have been married 24 years. The years just after having a baby (we have 3 sons) were among the hardest on our marriage. Most women do enjoy and desire sex you know. We are not sexless creatures. If she doesn't want sex with you, there is probably a valid reason. Whether it is emotional or physical. I have heard of women who thnk becoming a mommy means they have to be sexless. Just like men who think becoming a daddy means they have to quit being a lover. BuT It it my personal belief that these are more the exception than the norm.

 

Is it physical: How hard was the pregnancy and delivery? Sometimes it takes awhile for a woman to recover. The last two babies were big babies and the last baby took my back out. It has never been the same since. Labor with all three kids was long and I wound up having to have it induced all three times because I could not fully dilate. I had alot of damage and really never knew it or did anything about it until I was much older. I never talked about these things with my husband because I didn't realize how hard my labors were and how extensive the damage was. I lost sensitivity. I could not feel him like I could before. I didn't want to damage his ego so I did not mention it.

 

Does your wife take care of her health? Is she one of those like me who just doesn't complain much about her aches and pains and mostly just ignores them?

 

Is it emotional: If my husband had bought a trailer and told me he was moving me back home after having had his baby a year earlier, I think it would have hurt me tremendously. I would have felt sure that he didn't reallly love me. How would you feel if she left you? I would question whether I could depend on us being together for the rest of our lives. I would worry he would do it again or just up and leave me. People should not ask their spouses to leave or leave their spouses unless they are sure they want to end the marriage. That kind of behavior attacks the very core of a good relationship - trust. It's hard to feel sexual about someone you can't trust. If you are truly unhappy with her, then leave for good. Dont bounce around like a ping-pong ball and destroy her self-esteem in the process.

 

Your threatning divorce because she is not sexual enough for you is tantamount to her threatining divorce because you are not man enough for her. It cuts a woman to the core to feel like she can't please her man in the bedroom, just as it would a man.

 

I hope you open up to each other and you can get it resolved. Whatever you do, do not have an affair as it will do nothing to help your marriage, it will damage it even more. Ending a marriage because one or the other has an affair is a lousy way to walk away from a relationship. Get a divorce first if sex with another woman is what you want.

[mlgriffith]

My daughter is 5 though. My husband is not interested at all. I have tried the lingerie, romance, everything. I have talked to him and he says we are going to work on it, but nothing has changed.

 

The only time he is interested at all is when he thinks it's the "right time" to get pregnant. He told me i need to be more diligent about tracking it and I finally told him I wouldn't because we would only have sex a day a month.

 

I love my husband profusely. I try flirting with him and i am not afraid to initiate. No matter what I try most of the time he simply says "no, thank you" or makes up an excuse.

 

I never thought I was an ugly woman. I am slim, I work out constantly. I also have tried to make sure to look nice by the time he gets home from work hoping that would help. No such luck.

 

We don't fight. We get along really well and have no communication issues on either side. I feel like I am just absolutely respulsive to him. The constant rejection is hurting me and I am starting to really worry. THere was a time when our sex life was great, but now there is little to nothing. I don't know why. He says he just doesn't have the sex drive he used to, but I never thought that it could drop from almost every day to once a week and then once a month or even less in a six month period. He isn't cheating or checking out porn either...at least then I would know it isn't me.