Blended family struggling to 'blend'

[BobbyJ Bear]

Hey,

I don't know if this is the right category, or really where to start so I'm just going to dive straight in...

 

I'm 36, I have two kids, a 17 year old son, and a 15 year old daughter. My beautiful wife, their mother passed away 10 years ago and I've raised them by myself since then.

I went on a few first dates since she died but nothing more than that.

 

Two years ago I met my fiance. She is 33. She has two kids as well, a 16 year old daughter, and an 8 year old son. Her little boy has epilepsy.

She split up with her partner (kids father) 8 years ago, he literally upped and left out of the blue, but it was a blessing for her, he wasn't a good guy ad she was better without him.

She has dated since him, but it never worked out.

 

Our relationship is great. I never thought i'd feel like this again, never thought i'd connect with someone like this again, I love her, honestly i feel like a teenager again!

 

Which kind of brings me on to our 'teenagers'. She and her kids moved into my home at the start of March (its a bigger house, lots of land, right by the beach, its perfect for a family).

We are due to be married this July! Which of course means we we're always going to be 'blending families' when it came to living together.

 

It's not like our kids haven't met before, they've met loads. It's also not like we didn't know there could be issues, we did.

I'm extremely proud of the adults my kids are becoming, they are trustworthy, kind, popular, they are both athletically talented and dedicated to it too, they compete at the various sports at a very high level.

My SO's little boy is a real cheeky chappy, he loves to follow my kids around and hang out with them. Her daughter is, a good kid, I really like her and i feel like we have a good relationship but she has had her problems, underage smoking, underage drinking, truancy, a suspension from school, she's no angel, I guess it hasn't been the easiest upbringing for her and she has had issues. Although, id say if anything this is improving since me and Steph have been together.

She attends the same school as my kids so she already knew them, she was pretty close with my Fred, they both surf and the used to hang out in the same circles and this is actually how I met my fiance in the first pace.

 

However, her and my daughter, don't really get on. Not outward hostility, they don't argue or anything, but its always there under the surface.

 

Its something that is pretty in the open, my son offered to sleep in our caravan outside when they moved in so the girls didn't have to share a room. I don't know what it is exactly, i think they're just close in age and struggle to find common ground, I don't know.

 

I guess my question is, that I'm looking for advice on the best way to handle it. Our families are 'blended' now after all but i have always striven above all else to give my kids a happy home. My fiance thinks that it's not that bad and we just need to give it more time, while they get used to it.. but i don't know? Is that right? Obviously i don't want my daughter to be uncomfortable.

And I don't enjoy living in a frosty atmosphere, myself.

 

I did check in with my daughter about the subject a couple of days ago her words were "Dad, I love you, I love Steph , I love how happy she makes you, and I'm fine, me and Margo - it's fine"

I told her that I want her to be more that 'fine', and she responded 'well lets go with fine for now and try and work up, yeah?'

 

Which would be great but i don't know if i should be doing something more to try an enable that to happen? Its not like the kids have just met, they've known each other for years.

[RecentChange]

I think at this point you should be very satisfied with "fine".

 

Asking teens (who are already going a huge change in life) to adapt to a new family like this is hard.

 

[by the way, I am speaking as someone who had a single dad who re-married when I was 13, and I gained a 13 year old step sister in the process]

 

Now, am I reading correctly that the girls have to share a room? That your daughter now has to have her new step sister not only live in her own house, but also her one "private space" her bedroom? Thats REALLY difficult.

 

I wasn't thrilled with gaining "new family" when my dad re-married, but like these two girls, I got along with my new sister okay. We didn't fight, but weren't really friends. I would have thrown a FIT if my private space was now going to be compromised during this difficult time.

 

Look - you said that the girls have known each other for sometime right? But were they FRIENDS? If not, probably for a reason. They may not have much in common, they may not have compatible personalities. If they wanted to be friends, they probably would have chosen to be on their own - but instead they are now being forced to be.

 

Teen years are when kids start to become adults. A time when they want their own autonomy. Often this is the time that they get their private bedrooms if they did not have them before.

 

Is there anyway the two girls can have their OWN spaces?

 

I would imagine this is really hard for your step daughter as well - she has to feel like she is moving into someone else's home, especially if she has to move into someone else's bedroom.

 

Personally, I would think a new home, that was a fresh start, with enough room for everyone would be ideal. If that is not possible, as much as you can you need to allow these girls to have their own private spaces.

 

YOU choose to remarry, she did not choose a new sister. They do not have the history,blood and love that natural sisters share, nor do they share pre-existing friendship.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now, am I reading correctly that the girls have to share a room? That your daughter now has to have her new step sister not only live in her own house, but also her one "private space" her bedroom? Thats REALLY difficult.

 

I wasn't thrilled with gaining "new family" when my dad re-married, but like these two girls, I got along with my new sister okay. We didn't fight, but weren't really friends. I would have thrown a FIT if my private space was now going to be compromised during this difficult time.

 

As usual, RC has given some solid advice. Even if it took some DIY carpentry, I'd find a space for separate rooms (I wouldn't move, "lots of land, right by the beach" too much to give up!). While this new arrangement is a challenge for your daughter, think of the huge adjustment for your stepdaughter.

 

Go slow, be patient, accept there will be a few bumps along the way.

 

Congratulations on your new life ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BobbyJ Bear]

I think at this point you should be very satisfied with "fine".

Yeah?

It's hard because ever since my first wife died everything ive done has been for my kids, every decision has been to create the best possible life for them.

And I do feel on some level a little selfish, that this decision is all about me, and yet it effects them too. Like you say, they didnt ask for a whole new step family.

 

Now, am I reading correctly that the girls have to share a room? That your daughter now has to have her new step sister not only live in her own house, but also her one "private space" her bedroom? Thats REALLY difficult.

No! My son has taken our caravan as "his room" so that the girls don't have to share a room! (It was his idea, initially, and i think he's loving having it as his room to be honest! It literally shakes when he plays his music )

 

Look - you said that the girls have known each other for sometime right? But were they FRIENDS? If not, probably for a reason. They may not have much in common, they may not have compatible personalities. If they wanted to be friends, they probably would have chosen to be on their own - but instead they are now being forced to be.

They certainly weren't! My son was friends with her, and this is how i met my fiance in the first place. But my daughter wasn't friends with her (and probably, if im being honest about it, didn't particularly like her).

I know i cant just force them together and expect them to be best mates, i know it doesnt work like that, i dont really know what i was expecting but its just not easy.

 

(I was slightly concerned initially that I might have the opposite problem with my son, that he might like her a little too much, and that she wouldnt be the best of influences on him, but actually, over the last year - 18 months where we've spent a lot more time as a "blended family", i would say if anything she's been positively influenced.. she's certainly attending school more (although she still smokes like a chimney, but baby steps i guess).

 

I would imagine this is really hard for your step daughter as well - she has to feel like she is moving into someone else's home, especially if she has to move into someone else's bedroom.

Totally. Totally. Obviously i see it from my daughters perspective of people moving into her home, but i absolutely see how hard it must be for my step daughter moving into another families home, especially when you already know there's some friction between you and the other person.

I actually think its especially hard for her because for a 16 year old shes had so much upheaval in her life (she witnessed a bad relationship between her mum and her dad), and a lot of responsibility (like being responsible for her little brother who's had health complications over the years while her mum worked a second evening job).

Plus shes not very good at expressing emotion, i can talk to my daughter about where her head is and how shes finding stuff, but my step daughter isn't like that, she bottles it up until its suddenly everything all at once.

The funny thing is that sometimes my step daughter reminds me more of my late wife than either of my kids do - cause my wife was a proper little rouge at that age! Whereas my kids have been so easy to raise!

 

Obviously my daughter is my daughter and i'd go to the moon for her, but i don't want to be "taking sides" particularly because ideally i want us to unite as a family, and because i do really like my step daughter, i think shes a great kid, and we have a good relationship (not long after dating my SO, my DSD's dog got attacked in the woods and ran off, i swear i helped her look until like near midnight for that dog, in the pouring rain" but my SO always says that when we got back from the vets my step daughter said to her "he's the one mum, hold on to him, right!" and that that was one of the things that just sealed the deal for her )

 

Personally, I would think a new home, that was a fresh start, with enough room for everyone would be ideal

Not really possible, my home is on my family farm, and thats how i make my living.

 

YOU choose to remarry, she did not choose a new sister. They do not have the history,blood and love that natural sisters share, nor do they share pre-existing friendship.

I know, i know. I guess the rreality of it is harder than i thought it would be.

[BobbyJ Bear]

As usual, RC has given some solid advice. Even if it took some DIY carpentry, I'd find a space for separate rooms (I wouldn't move, "lots of land, right by the beach" too much to give up!). While this new arrangement is a challenge for your daughter, think of the huge adjustment for your stepdaughter.

Right, i mean the reality is i dont have to live on site, we could move but like you say it seems too much to give up!!

My long term plan is to build an extension on the side of the house, but i wasn't going to start until after the wedding. I guess until then, Fred will just stay in the caravan.

 

Go slow, be patient, accept there will be a few bumps along the way.

True! I mean it was never going to be easy was it!

 

Congratulations on your new life ...

Thank you, Thank you! It is a good thing after all, and i dont want to lose sight of that!

[RecentChange]

Oh, well that is great to hear that everyone has their own space to retreat too, I think its very important and will help the process.

 

If they aren't fighting - I would simply let them be when it comes to their relationship. I wouldn't push them.

 

My dad met my step mom at a horse show - me and my step sister were competing against each other It was pretty cool to gain a "family" that shared my passion. But in the end it brought my step mom and I closer, while didn't have a huge effect on me and "sis".

 

I would think of it has moving in with college roommates. I know you see it as a family, but for them it will take time. If they can be friendly, and not have too much conflict thats a win.

 

For my step sister and I, we did stuff together, we would go to concerts etc. She befriended some of my friends, and I got along with some of hers.

 

But by the time we both left for college - that was really the end of our relationship - we just weren't ever naturally friends. And I don't see it as a bad thing. Its not that I don't like her and vice versa, we are just different people.

 

Now my step mom on the other hand I developed a much closer relationship with.

[GunslingerRoland]

Even sibling by birth won't always be friends. You can't force it to happen. It doesn't sound like a major issue. They just are different people right now. You never know, as adults they may end up having more in common and becoming closer. Maybe they won't.

[BobbyJ Bear]

Even sibling by birth won't always be friends. You can't force it to happen. It doesn't sound like a major issue. They just are different people right now. You never know, as adults they may end up having more in common and becoming closer. Maybe they won't.

True true. But if they were siblings by birth, like if it were my son and daughter, then i would tell them to get over it because I'm not going to live in the middle of a cold war, haha!

Whereas i have to be a lot more sensitive on this because its not their choice, its all mine, Y

 

If they aren't fighting - I would simply let them be when it comes to their relationship. I wouldn't push them.

Yeah? You think that's okay long term, if like their relationship doesn't improve?

 

My dad met my step mom at a horse show - me and my step sister were competing against each other It was pretty cool to gain a "family" that shared my passion. But in the end it brought my step mom and I closer, while didn't have a huge effect on me and "sis".

Yeah? I guess you can never really predict how well people are going to get on

 

I would think of it has moving in with college roommates. I know you see it as a family, but for them it will take time. If they can be friendly, and not have too much conflict thats a win.

Yeah, i see that. I'd say 'friendly' is pushing it a little, but then its hard isnt it. College roommates you're starting afresh with, whereas in this scenario the i knew my daughter and her already didn't particularly get on and then they've kind of been thrust together.

My daughters had to share her house, share her brother, share her dad.

 

Its just a weird scenario, i feel a bit bad for putting my daughter in that position, but i also genuinely care for my step daughter and I have a good relationship with her.

 

For my step sister and I, we did stuff together, we would go to concerts etc. She befriended some of my friends, and I got along with some of hers.

That's nice! They don't really do anything like this, i couldnt really envisage it either.

My step daughter and my son do get on very well though, their relationship seems to be strengthening and they do do things together (and share some of the same friendship circle). Which i can imagine is also a little tough for my daughter because her and my son have always had a strong relationship.

 

But by the time we both left for college - that was really the end of our relationship - we just weren't ever naturally friends. And I don't see it as a bad thing. Its not that I don't like her and vice versa, we are just different people.

Yeah yeah, I do see that!

 

Now my step mom on the other hand I developed a much closer relationship with.

Thats nice!

I guess we are lucky that we both have good relationships with each others kids, we've never had problems in that regard.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Some families aren't meant to blend, no matter how much you try and force it.

[OatsAndHall]

So, you've laid out multiple positives that have come from the relationship but one negative. Now, any negative is serious to a parent when it comes to their children so I do understand where you're coming from.

 

However, you have created a quality life with your fiance and the blended family, for all intents and purposes. Your kids' lives are better because of the steps you have taken and it sounds like they generally realize that. Your fiance's daughter will either get on board with it or she won't. It may be a difficult situation at times but you'll weather the storm as long as you and your fiance stay on the same page and handle things with fairness and consistency

 

I will say, there may come a point where you'll need to hand the discipline of the 16 year old to your fiance and tap out. My ex-wife had three boys, including a 12 year old son when we first met. He is a great kid and never got into trouble. But he continually failed classes in high school because he is lazy and just generally caused issues. Those issues started to spill over to my ex-wife and I so I told her that I would no longer have a hand in disciplining him. We disagreed strongly with the way his laziness should be handled so I completely tapped out on it.

[BobbyJ Bear]

So, you've laid out multiple positives that have come from the relationship but one negative. Now, any negative is serious to a parent when it comes to their children so I do understand where you're coming from.

Absolutely! I dont mean to sound like im moaning because im not. I know im lucky.

 

However, you have created a quality life with your fiance and the blended family, for all intents and purposes. Your kids' lives are better because of the steps you have taken and it sounds like they generally realize that. Your fiance's daughter will either get on board with it or she won't.

I do believe that my Fiances daughter is 'on board' so to speak, i think she is happier with life now and i think she definitely realises her life is better as part of our blended family. I guess my doubt comes from, my daughters point of view, I know she'd never say it but I'm not convinced my daughter would say her life was better from the "blending", and that's hard as a dad, becuase you always want your kids to be as happy as they can be

 

It may be a difficult situation at times but you'll weather the storm as long as you and your fiance stay on the same page and handle things with fairness and consistency

Yeah, true!

 

I will say, there may come a point where you'll need to hand the discipline of the 16 year old to your fiance and tap out. My ex-wife had three boys, including a 12 year old son when we first met. He is a great kid and never got into trouble. But he continually failed classes in high school because he is lazy and just generally caused issues. Those issues started to spill over to my ex-wife and I so I told her that I would no longer have a hand in disciplining him. We disagreed strongly with the way his laziness should be handled so I completely tapped out on it.

Yeah, I hear you. I don't feel like I've stepped into much of a discipline role for her kids as of yet. Her daughter especially, being 16, i'll talk to her daughter about things, but any real discipline comes from her mum. My step son is only 8 so it's different with him, but he's a really good kid - wants to please you!