Time is a healer... apparently

[kawaguchi]

I'll keep this short.

 

I was in a relationship with a woman for 10 years.

 

We were engaged for the last 2.

 

She finished the relationship 1 month before our wedding.

 

After that, I heard nothing.

 

I tried contacting a few times, nothing.

 

That was 2 years ago.

 

I'm still not over it.

 

I've tried everything that people suggest: focus on myself, focus on my career, date again, travel, get new hobbies, get new friends, improve myself blah blah blah.

 

I've made so many positive steps in the past 2 years but still I think about her every day.

 

I can now see that we were wrong for each other.

 

I have even begun to accept the heartache.

 

But what I cannot come to terms with is the complete cutting of contact. No explanation, no acknowledgement of our very long, very deep relationship - nothing. As if I never existed, as if *we* never existed. I sometimes look at her Facebook, Instagram. She's living a totally different life, new country, new friends, probably a new partner.

 

I can't fathom that we'll never talk again in our lives. I'll never get closure. I'll always be left wondering, hanging.

 

It's so cruel and there's nothing I can do.

 

t's like someone dieing, only maybe worse. At least when a loved one dies, we generally have the chance to part on good terms, or at least know that they didn't go willingly. But to have someone voluntarily extract themselves from your life, and voluntarily treat you like one of the other billions of strangers, as if 10 years didn't matter, as if the promise to spend a life together never married. It's more than I can ever explain.

 

Can someone, anyone, help?

[Telemachus]

Why would anyone offer help, after you've characterized the thoughtful advice and valuable insight you've already received as "blah, blah, blah"?

 

Maybe your most pressing problem isn't loss or lack of closure, but rather intentional rudeness.

[kawaguchi]

I think you've misinterpreted my comment, as can easily happen in an online forum.

 

With "blah, blah, blah", I did not mean that it was bad advice. It is advice I've given others and even myself. I simply meant to suggest that it has not entirely worked.

 

There is no obligation on anybody to reply or offer advice - I just thought I might reach out.

[Kitchen]

Why would anyone offer help, after you've characterized the thoughtful advice and valuable insight you've already received as "blah, blah, blah"?

 

Maybe your most pressing problem isn't loss or lack of closure, but rather intentional rudeness.

 

I think this comment is the one that's rude. The "blah blah" is meant to portray that he's done all that he can in terms of personal improvement to no avail. Clearly not meant as an attack on the "thoughtful and valuable" advice.

 

OP I'm sorry to hear this. It must be an awful feeling. Looks like you've done everything on the personal improvement front, time to move on to the next step - date, get under someone else, it'll help seal the recovery. Easier said than done, I know. But just go out there and enjoy, meet women. Sooner or later you'll come across one that tickles your fancy. Once she does, you'll start forgetting about the previous monster at an exponential pace.

Edited April 12, 2017 by Kitchen

[Satu]

There are three very common reasons why some people have difficulty moving on, even after a long time has passed:

 

1. An omitted or incomplete grieving process.

 

2. Rebound relationships.

 

3. Genuinely traumatic experiences within the relationship.

 

1 and 2 are much more common than 3.

 

I suspect that you fall under #1.

 

 

Take care.

[SpecialJ]

The only other thing I can think of that could possibly help is figuring out what exactly you're missing. I'm sure you loved her and miss her, especially after ten years. But do you also miss anything about the way she made you feel? Is there anything else you can do to fill those voids or make yourself feel that way without another person? If you're relating to what I'm saying in any way, then getting under someone else may help break the bond in your head and heart to your ex, but if you want to find a better relationship too, you have to first figure out how to replace what you feel you lost on your own. Otherwise you risk losing yourself again if you just find a replacement person and it doesn't work out.

 

If I'm way off base, then I can only offer you sympathy for someone you love disappearing without a word, since that would make me feel disrespected and powerless and sounds terrible. But I hope you can find your own closure, and that doing it on your own without her boosts your self esteem!

[Hoosfoos]

I'll keep this short.

 

I was in a relationship with a woman for 10 years.

 

We were engaged for the last 2.

 

She finished the relationship 1 month before our wedding.

 

After that, I heard nothing.

 

I tried contacting a few times, nothing.

 

That was 2 years ago.

 

I'm still not over it.

 

I've tried everything that people suggest: focus on myself, focus on my career, date again, travel, get new hobbies, get new friends, improve myself blah blah blah.

 

I've made so many positive steps in the past 2 years but still I think about her every day.

 

I can now see that we were wrong for each other.

 

I have even begun to accept the heartache.

 

But what I cannot come to terms with is the complete cutting of contact. No explanation, no acknowledgement of our very long, very deep relationship - nothing. As if I never existed, as if *we* never existed. I sometimes look at her Facebook, Instagram. She's living a totally different life, new country, new friends, probably a new partner.

 

I can't fathom that we'll never talk again in our lives. I'll never get closure. I'll always be left wondering, hanging.

 

It's so cruel and there's nothing I can do.

 

t's like someone dieing, only maybe worse. At least when a loved one dies, we generally have the chance to part on good terms, or at least know that they didn't go willingly. But to have someone voluntarily extract themselves from your life, and voluntarily treat you like one of the other billions of strangers, as if 10 years didn't matter, as if the promise to spend a life together never married. It's more than I can ever explain.

 

Can someone, anyone, help?

 

Monstrous people like her, they are capable of such things. That's all I can give you. My past is similar to yours in some ways. I know that the damage that she caused you is profound. I've been there. I hope you find someone that can make you forget about her.

[Altair0770]

Have you spoken to a therapist? Therapy has helped me go from suicidal to "lol **** that bitch".

 

 

I suggest you try it if you haven't.

 

Other than that I'm really sorry man. I couldn't imagine. My condolences to you.

[DontBreakEven]

Why would anyone offer help, after you've characterized the thoughtful advice and valuable insight you've already received as "blah, blah, blah"?

 

Maybe your most pressing problem isn't loss or lack of closure, but rather intentional rudeness.

 

As another has said, it's THIS comment that is so unbelievably rude. OP, ignore this.

 

It's funny you mention the part about how it may be easier if the person had died. I said this exact same thing over and over again when my ex-fiance left me. Because it's true. It's just a much harder thing to handle when someone WILLINGLY extracts themselves from your life entirely never to even act like you exist again. That person is out there, choosing this. It's awful. That and, at least when someone dies, you get condolences, time off work, it's ACCEPTED to be grieving months, years after. With something like this, after a month or two people are like, okay ... let's gtf over this now mmmmk?

 

Anyway, here is my advice to you, from someone who has been through it TWICE (both times engaged, both times they were Casper to me afterwards and married other people). Yes, as everyone says here, try and find someone else, but first, grieve. Lean into the pain. I'm serious. Buy this book - google it - The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver. Read it and do the exercises in it. If you cannot afford it, PM me your address and I will mail it to you. That's how serious I am about this.

 

Please know that you are not alone. But it is time to let yourself feel this.

[keiji]

There are some parallelisms between your story and mine. Me and my ex-wife were together for nine years and got married two years before the breakup. We had previously bought a very expensive apartment and in the last months of our relationship we were trying to have kids. It turned out she had some fertility problems, apparently nothing serious, so she started a treatment. One month later she left our place and never came back. I just saw her the day we signed our divorce, and that was four years ago.

 

Much like your ex, she changed her lifestyle completely and also moved to a different place. She suddenly became a sports-oriented person, when she'd struggle to get her ass off the couch when we were together, became a mountain addict when she'd always been a beach person, etc. She even changed physically (dyed her hair, completely different clothing style, etc).

 

It took me four or five years to completely accept all of this, the fact that someone can leave with no explanation and never look back. You feel miserable, a worthless person even, and as some others have suggested, my advice is for you to resort to therapy. A professional can help you understand why she behaved like that and what kind of "person" she is, because yes, I think closure is important, and also give you tools to rebuild your life and find your self worth again. It's a slow and sometimes painful process, but it's absolutely necessary. There aren't many evil people in the world, in my opinion, but we were unlucky that our paths crossed with one of them.

 

You can use this experience positively to know more about yourself and improve your life. As I said, ours was an unlucky encounter with a mean person, and it's very important to avoid extrapolating it to people you may know in the future. She's a one-off. The moment you realize and digest that, you'll be able to see her for what she is and even pity her to an extent.

[Jopes]

Two minutes before class and I just read his friends and himself (at 42 btw) mocking me with a statement "while your dreaming of his ass, his ass is mine". I am in the same boat and really struggling to put this behind me. I don't know if I can see myself happy in a relationship given the extent of the pain during the break up.. The bullying etc.

[EmilyJane]

There are three very common reasons why some people have difficulty moving on, even after a long time has passed:

 

1. An omitted or incomplete grieving process.

 

2. Rebound relationships.

 

3. Genuinely traumatic experiences within the relationship.

 

1 and 2 are much more common than 3.

 

I suspect that you fall under #1.

 

 

Take care.

 

Well f*** me, thanks #3 I guess I'm screwed, that completely explains why I'm still freaking out, I was totally counting on being completely over it by September in time for my birthday