Help me find my dignity and self worth

[Lylalou]

Ive been reading threads on here for a few months now and can see that many of the affairs are very similar.

I've been having an affair with MM for 4.5 yrs. He persued me just when I was getting to a good place after a break up. I have worked with him for 23 yrs and cried on his shoulder when my marriage broke up and again when my long term relationship broke down both relationships ended with my husband and partner having an affair, I never thought I would end up doing the same, I've always considered him as my friend, but I wouldn't treat a friend like this so why do I accept it from him.

The last 4 years have been hell and I can only liken how I feel about him as having a bad addiction, he lies constantly to me to the extent I question my sanity. I love him but how can I love someone that mentally abuses me and lies so much.

I have tried so many times to end it, the longest I have managed is 2 weeks. I know that nc is going to hurt so much but know it's the only way out. He has told me so many times he will leave but hasn't and I know that the reason is he doesn't want to, he's happy to have his family and then extra cake with me. He told me recently that he will leave when his daughter is 16 in another 4 years but then there would be another reason not to.

Please help me see that I'm worse more than the crumbs he throws in my direction.

Edited April 12, 2017 by Lylalou

[Patrice]

these kinds of men. For me? I had a highly critical father and a passive mother. There was no physical abuse in my childhood, but my mom passed two years ago, with the stress of living with him (massive stroke, high blood pressure). I got divorced in 09, ending a 27 year marriage .. got taken up in a vulnerable moment with a man I had no place being with. I would examine what you saw in your childhood, and realize you are in a place that you can break the cycle. Go NC, and deal with your inner self ..

[Lylalou]

Thanks Patrice, I have never thought it was a flaw in me to pick the wrong man, I had a good childhood and find it hard to understand how my poor judgement in men stems from then. But you are right in that I'm the only one who can break the cycle, he will carry on using me for however long I allow him to.

[beautiful_day]

I think you don't so much find your dignity and self worth, as earn it back for yourself.

 

You begin by making yourself and your mental health central in your life.

 

You look hard at your choices, and you vow only to make good ones going forward, whether they are emotional, financial, education, career, friendships ...

 

You vow to either move forward in a new direction, reinventing your life for the better, or you reset your life to who you were before you met him.

 

You recognize that you alone set your house on fire, and you alone can walk out of the building.

 

And most of all, you trust that this is not who you are, and you are going to prove it to yourself, and be able to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone with their head held up, and someone who respects fellow women.

 

Women who disrespect other women, disrespect themselves.

 

Chin up. You got this. This woman is routing for you!

[Confused48]

I think this is a good description of what is taking place. I'm quoting another poster.

 

 

Then I would turn to my BF and remember all the amazing things about him and why I ever started dating him in the first place, and I would think to myself/promise myself that I would forget about and get over the OM and be perfectly happy. Then the withdrawal would set in. Those chemicals started dwindling, I started missing the OM, thinking about him all the time, obsessing over him, and because I didn't understand the anatomy and physiology of an affair at the time, I convinced myself that this must mean I loved the OM more than my BF. Of course, when I was away from my BF, I wasn't going into withdrawal because the nature of our relationship was not that of an affair, it was not a drug addiction. This further convinced me that if I didn't miss my BF as much as I missed the OM, then surely I felt more strongly about the OM. So then, next time the OM would contact me, I would jump in like a junkie. I would misconstrue his contact as proof that he actually cared, when really, he was probably going through the same withdrawal and needed his own fix too. This cycle would repeat hundreds of times throughout the affair. The battle between the affair fog/need for the fix, and the logical part of my brain which told me that my BF was the better man, the better choice, the time-tested better fit for me, raged on constantly in my mind throughout the affair. The under-the-influence part of me felt I needed the OM and would do anything to be with him, but on some level, I also knew that if I could just cut the OM out of my life and survive the withdrawal, I would be able to get back to that former loving, fulfilling relationship that I once had with my BF and that I once thought was everything I ever wanted

 

At the time of D-day, I had already been in IC for about 7 months, and I was coming to terms with this realization more and more each day. This, with the help of my therapist, is what led to me writing and sending the NC letter 3 weeks before D-day. When I wrote it, I thought that if only I could cut the OM out of my life completely, I could move on and get back to that happy place with my BF again. Of course, in the 3 weeks following the day I sent the letter, I went through terrible withdrawal, I relapsed and contacted the OM, and when he began saying things like how much he cared for me, how part of him wanted to run away with me, all those chemicals came rushing back, and it felt so good. I got my fix, and I begged him not to cut my supply short, i.e. to be with me for good. When he refused, of course I was upset, I was devastated. Of course I was angry. He had given me so much hope, built up those chemicals so much, and then tore it all away from me. I was so sick of the back and forth, the up and down, the emotional roller coaster. It was mental anguish, emotional torture, and I was inflicting it on myself like a masochist. I knew that I had chosen this, that I was actively participating, and I decided once and for all to stop subjecting myself to it. I knew that the only way to do so was to cut all contact, to go through the withdrawal, and to come out on the other side. I knew the only thing that would prevent me from relapsing was to confess to my BF and to get it all out in the open. Because as long as it was still a secret, I would always hold onto hope that it could work out, that I could have a little taste of my drug when I needed it, and then go back to being normal. Of course that's impossible for any addict.

 

Of course, I know that now that I have made the decision to cheat and have been through the affair, I will always be a cheater and an addict. An alcoholic who is not drinking is still an alcoholic, and should not be around alcohol. It was eye-opening for me to learn that I have such an addictive/obsessive personality, and that I lack impulse control, but now that I recognize it, I can take the steps necessary to avoid going down that slippery slope in the future, including maintaining NC with the OM for as long as I live. I think my guilt and shame will be tremendous tools in helping me to stay clean, and although I want to move on from this stage in my life, I hope I never forget how terrible, how awfully low and abysmal this affair made me feel so that I can always remember to avoid going down the same path in the future.

By Paenitentiae

[BaileyB]

The title of your post makes me so sad...

 

Only you can rediscover your value, and it begins the day that you decide to love yourself enough not to tolerate being treated badly by anyone.

 

I would think, it's a path to self discovery. Spend time alone, do things that bring you pleasure, spend time with people who make you feel good, and counselling...

 

But it begins when you say, no more! I am worth more than this... And only you can do this for yourself. But, I'm really cheering for you.

[travelbug1996]

The only way out is through. If you go complete nc you will have feelings similar to withdrawal. There will be obsessive thoughts and wondering what will come of you without this person.

My take on it is that I can live without anyone on this earth. It is only when I convince myself that I need another that I struggle with letting go. You have to get to a point where you need absolutely nothing from this person.

 

Deal with your feelings and you will come out the other side of this situation a better person. Don't beat yourself up too bad since doing so can keep you stuck even longer.

 

You made a not so smart choice to get attached and dependent emotionally on a married man. You are not the first and won't be the last. Go NC and know that your life will improve. You will feel worse before you feel better.

 

But you will get better.

[Heymialouise]

My heart hurts for you... Insanity can be described as doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. You are driving yourself insane with this situation. I can tell that you understand the issue of being with someone else's husbands because you have felt the same pain. I don't think you are worthless, in fact, I think you can be a great person to help other women overcome these same things. It starts with you, first Loving yourself, trusting in yourself, and feeding your soul. Find a counselor to speak with, journal your pain, and cut him off completely.

 

Praying for your strength to prevail soon!

 

 

Mia

[GypsumSatellite]

The best way to find your dignity and self-worth is to discover yourself again. When I became involved with my MM, I was in a lonely and vulnerable time in my life. As the A carried on, I was less housebound, I was more financially independent, and I was acquiring more education. I became empowered. MM liked seeing that but it also scared him. The more love I had for myself, the less his world concerned me. The less I clung to the A. The more he had to work to get me to stay involved with him.

 

The thing is, no matter who you are partnered with - you have to find your own path to self worth. Much of it will start with being able to depend on yourself and opening yourself to new friendships and experiences. Putting yourself first and learning to say no. This helps build esteem. It is not easy (took me several years before I got to a truly good level of self-worth) but you will get there. Make small steps that will turn into great strides. The hardest part of it will be loving yourself, forgiving yourself, and leaning to move on.

[Lylalou]

Thank you all for your replies and encouragement.

I am on day 4 of NC after finding him telling me another big lie, but when confronted he turned the situation on me and is punishing me for not believing him, so consequently he hasn't contacted me and I haven't him.

I'm feeling strong right now prob due to me being so angry, I know it would never work with him as I don't believe a word he tells me and trust him as far as I could throw him. So it confuses me as to why I have wanted and waited for him for so long. I really feel a mug to have accepted how he has treated me over the last 4.5yrs and would be the first to try and make anyone in my position to see the MM for what he is, a liar, a cheat and an untrustworthy person.

Happy Easter everyone

[BaileyB]

Just be kind to yourself and repeat, when you knew better, you did better.

 

He has revealed himself to you - he lied to you, he's manipulated you, and now he is punishing you... Not exactly the kind of guy you with whom you want to spend another moment of your time. Hold onto that anger, it will help you get through the lonely days...

 

But, don't regret it - learn from this experience such that you will find a healthier partner for your next relationship... Someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Best wishes.

[Kat Keller]

Just be kind to yourself and repeat, when you knew better, you did better.

 

He has revealed himself to you - he lied to you, he's manipulated you, and now he is punishing you... Not exactly the kind of guy you with whom you want to spend another moment of your time. Hold onto that anger, it will help you get through the lonely days...

 

But, don't regret it - learn from this experience such that you will find a healthier partner for your next relationship... Someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Best wishes.

 

 

Excellent post. Couldn't agree more.

 

 

To the OP: You don't deserve crumbs. You are more than that and I think you know that or you wouldn't post here at all. You'd be content to just accept whatever he doles out to you.

 

 

However, the pain you feel is very valid and runs deep after 23 years....which is a very long time. Lots of marriages don't even last that long.

 

 

I wish you the best and peace.

[Patrice]

I let him back in, in the past - even on the phone, I am setback. He just lies, never follows through and I have come to believe if his lips are moving he is lying. These men look to prey on women, have to deal with their own crap and leave us alone.

[Lylalou]

Well I’ve been reading on here a lot recently, it’s been 6 long years of settling for the crumbs I’ve been thrown, trying to realise that things will never change because I’ve accepted all the bad behaviour, lies and broken promises, time and time again. He knows I crumble every time he’s offered a little more when I, as he puts it “gone into one, and here we go again” when I’ve questioned him about why he doesn’t do the things he promises.

 

I realise it’s because he doesn’t want to, he’s happy with his wife and family, I’m just enabling him with a little extra that’s maybe missing from his life.

 

This year has been awful, lots of falling out, going NC and failing when he contacts me, followed by a long talk about the future, more promises and then nothing coming to fruition.

 

I’m now 20 days NC, and this week struggling, I don’t want answers anymore like I used to, why I’m not good enough for you to want to be with? Etc. I know I will never get those answers and to be honest if I did they would be lies. I just want to move on without the daily anxiety of if I’m going to see him, if he’s going to call, what he’s doing at home with his wife, I want to be free from the negativity in my life that he brings, I know I’m the only one who can do this, I’ve just got to get my brain and heart singing from the same hymn sheet.

[FMW]

Good luck, I hope the NC will stick this time.

[Abetterme]

I wish I had advice, but only offer support as I’ve put myself in a similar situation. I know we both know NC is the very best thing but it is painful. You sound like you’ve hit your limit. You are worth more and you see him for what he is. I hope closing your heart to that possibility will bring someone new into your life who will give you their all. Take care.

[ladydesigner]

Affairs are exactly like an addiction. The withdraws are just as bad, but as more time passes you begin to heal, but it takes time and NC. It's not easy at all but doable. I hope you find the strength to end this and bring peace to your life again. Affairs are not good for anybody.

[Vivir]

The following is so awesome that it really needs to be stated again:

 

I think you don't so much find your dignity and self worth, as earn it back for yourself.

 

You begin by making yourself and your mental health central in your life.

 

You look hard at your choices, and you vow only to make good ones going forward, whether they are emotional, financial, education, career, friendships ...

 

You vow to either move forward in a new direction, reinventing your life for the better, or you reset your life to who you were before you met him.

 

You recognize that you alone set your house on fire, and you alone can walk out of the building.

[Lylalou]

Ladydesigner I know it’s an addiction, I know it’s a habit but change is hard, I will always love him but we want different things, I was more than being cake, I wanted actions, but his actions were always that he wants his wife and family and that’s not enough anymore so I have to move on getting through one day at a time and getting stronger.

 

Abetterme good luck with moving onto a better place free from the awful feelings that we just aren’t good enough for them to want to be with, coming to the reality of everything they say is prob a lie to get us to hang in there.