Had six month affair; broke it off recently, then resumed. Help!

[Rockergrl84]

I didn't know where else to go for answers and advice, so here is my story.

 

I was involved in an affair for about 6 months. I met MM through work (thankfully he no longer works there) and we became friends. We would talk and go out with other people from work for a couple of months. As we got to know each other we realized how much in common we had and we were so compatible. He also would tell me how unhappy he was in his marriage, you know, the usual lines.

 

A couple of months after meeting we started an affair. I fell for this guy hard. He told me he felt the same, that he felt like he could tell me anything and that he had never had a connection with anyone before like he did with me.

 

After just a month of the affair, I broke it off. I told him that this wasn't going to go anywhere, he was never going to leave his wife for me and I certainly wasn't going to ask him to. Two days later, he texts me and wants to talk. Foolishly, I agreed. He said he wanted to be with me that he couldn't lose me, and that he was planning to leave his wife (FYI, they have no children) and I bought it. We resumed the affair.

 

After another couple months of this, I grew tired of it, how nothing had changed and told him I was thinking of ending it again. Then it happened. His wife found out. She had gone through his phone and saw text messages between us. She kicked him out that day, but the next day asked to talk to him. She said she wanted to work it out, and said that her conditions would be that he was to no longer have any contact with me and that she would have to basically be a warden. He refused and said that he hadn't been happy and would not be a prisoner. He moved out a few weeks later.

 

So now I'm thinking everything is going to be great, he left her and we can finally be together. He introduced me to his closest friends and one of his cousins who were all supportive of us. But I noticed that maybe a month after he had moved out, he was pulling away. I asked what was wrong a few times, and was always told nothing was wrong, he was just "busy" I saw him and heard from him much less than I did before. Then it became whole days where I wouldn't hear from him, and was down to seeing him once or twice a week. He wouldn't even answer my texts and then the next day would say "sorry I was busy" I had had it. I was planning on ending things, except he ghosted me. When I asked him if he was busy so that we could talk, he never answered. Have not heard from him since (2 months NC now)

 

The other day, I got my answer. He's back with his wife. I swear this was not intentional, but I passed his wife's house coming home from a friends around 2 am and his vehicle was there.

 

I don't get it. He said he was miserable, that he didn't want to go back despite pressure from his family, and went through the trouble of moving out just to go back? And he couldn't even tell me, I had to find out this way. Why would he go back? And does this ever really get easier?

[BuddyX]

Cheaters lie, get used to it.

 

Did you hear the entire marriage story from him? Odds are, the marriage was failing apart but was more likely 50/50. He was also to blame for marriage failure.

 

He went back, because it wasn't that bad. He'll give you some excuse (she's blackmailing me, or I'm Christian) but don't believe it.

 

Move on. Go NC

[somanymistakes]

I don't get it. He said he was miserable, that he didn't want to go back despite pressure from his family, and went through the trouble of moving out just to go back?

 

They were (well, are) married. Even if the marriage isn't great, even if he actually does feel neglected and mistreated and frustrated, there's probably some bond there. They got married for some reason. He hadn't left her before you came along. He didn't leave her on his own timetable, but as part of a fight.

 

Maybe when they were apart long enough he missed her, maybe the guilt got too much, maybe his family was laying into him, maybe she promised things would be different, maybe he eventually decided that starting over with a new relationship would be too much work, who knows? Relationships are complicated.

 

And he couldn't even tell me, I had to find out this way. Why would he go back? And does this ever really get easier?

 

Well, when you're dating someone who keeps you a secret because he doesn't want to confront his wife, you're dating someone who probably won't want to confront you either. Telling you the truth would be awkward and uncomfortable so he just didn't bother.

[sandylee1]

Would a man of sound mind who was so unhappy in his marriage and didn't have any children choose to return?

 

He was happy to have you as a mistress. I just wonder why she took him back, but I'm guessing he begged and begged for another chance. Promising not to speak to you and agreeing to have his wife monitor him.

 

That's how bad he wanted back in the marriage.

[aileD]

He realized he made a mistake.

 

 

It doesn't matter. He's married . Life lesson: don't get involved with anyone planning to get divorced unless they're actually divorced and can prove it.

[Tulipwood]

Take the ghosting as a gift and block this guy on all avenues he could show up on at a later date.

 

Get yourself into counselling to process the fall out of the affair and figure out why you went down this path. You do not want to do this again.

 

I have a friend who has had four affairs as a single woman, the last one going on ten years. What a complete waste of precious time and I say this because I know she's unhappy. Her unhappiness has destroyed long term friendships and bitterness has clouded her thinking:(

[Eight]

As we got to know each other we realized how much in common we had and we were so compatible. He also would tell me how unhappy he was in his marriage, you know, the usual lines.

 

Exactly. The usual lines. I bet when he married his wife he said they had so much in common, were so compatible.

 

He told me he felt the same, that he felt like he could tell me anything and that he had never had a connection with anyone before like he did with me.

 

It's amazing how every married man and woman in affairs feel exactly this way and utter these same exact words and yet...so few go on to marry this one special snowflake they've finally found.

 

I'm sorry to sound harsh but if you read enough of the stories around here you start to see things as they are. These aren't great love stories; they are stories of people who need to do some personal work on themselves and their psychology.

 

Here's a couple great rules to live by that make everything really clear and simple:

 

If you are married, don't start dating someone else.

If you are single, don't start dating someone who is married or separated or "in the process of divorce" or "thinking about divorce" or "going to leave when the kids are older."

 

It's much easier for everyone.

[Minnie09]

When my MM started flip flopping after - allegedly - discussing D with his wife, and being "on the same page and in agreement with her", and after a few years in the A with me, he did the same thing: Communicating less and less, withdrawing, being evasive and vague. You would think that after a few years, even if it's only an affair, they would give you the common courtesy of discussing things with you if they're conflicted, because after all, you as the OW, are also involved in this, esp after discussing a life together.......but no. Avoidance it was. Like that will solve anything.

 

During that time of "being conflicted", he resorted to just talking about shallow stuff with me.....keeping it light, but still wanting to be in touch. Never approaching and resolving the real issues. It's common. That's why they're still married. The M is blah, but not bad enough, and if the BSs don't pull the plug for them, they just stay stuck. They are not necessarily where they want to be - but they're too complacent and too lazy to face the struggle of a D, which would change their lives a LOT.

 

I personally am glad that I'm not in a blah marriage, I don't envy him, and neither do I envy her. I'd rather be single and happy, and I know he's wondering about me. I'm free to choose what I want, while he's not. And he knows this.

[travelbug1996]

You didn't really think everything was gonna be "great". I'm guessing there was probably that gnawing feeling of never really being able to trust him. Trust your gut. Married men lie and lie and lie. Protect your heart from these vultures.

[darkbloom]

It sounds like he is conflict avoidant.

 

Do you really want to be with someone that doesn't even have the balls to tell you it's over?

 

No, you don't.

 

I have found that a lot of people are unhappy in their marriage. Or say they are. But to become happy again would require change. Big change. That makes people uncomfortable. So they lie to themselves and try to stay in the relationship because it's easy. And they don't know what else to do.

 

The beautiful part?

 

You have all the choices in the world. You are not stuck in an unhappy marriage nor are you married to this coward. This is a gift. Take the lesson and go forward.

[Bejangled]

Hi Rockergrl84

 

I've no doubt when he said all those lovey-dovey things to you that he meant it at the time. You felt the love, it was real....but sadly, he was most likely using your relationship as a rose-tinted escape from the harshness of his real world.

 

He and his wife were obviously having issues and instead of holding fast and standing by her, he chose to avoid the problems and use you as a balm for his wounded feelings. At best, he's an escapist who used your relationship to boost his faltering ego. At worst, he's a spineless, low-grade liar, who played 2 women in order to prop up his lack of commitment. He has clearly shown you by his actions that he is not an honest, upfront character who lacks the ability to draw lines with integrity.

 

Right now, I would say, be glad that you had a short time of fun and intimacy in a dangerous/exciting/bad-girl kind of way. Then be glad you got to see the ugly truth that affairs like this almost always end in tears. You've learned a lesson here. Now it's time to purge it from your system, chalk it down as a weird moment and focus on attracting a more confident and honest man. Good luck!