Wife with no sexual desire, HELP!

[octaman]

My wife and I have been together for about 9 years, only married for 4 months. I am 25 she is 23. We were exclusivly until about Aug of last year when I joined the armed services. After basic training, we decided to take some time off and see other people, as she lives on the east coast and I got stationed in Hawaii. She came to visit me in Jan, and we decided to get married. We got married in March, and she came to live with me at the end of May. The problem is she have absolutly no sexual desire for me at all. At first I was hurt, but then figured she was adjusting to missing home and her friends and family, but she has been here a little over 2 month and still nothing. I have tried to ignore it and figured she would hopefully start up again buy nothing. I recently asked why and she said sex just seems like the least interesting thing she can think of. I asked if that is so, could she just surprise me with possibly oral every once in a while or something (oral is a normal practice for us) She said she thinks about it all the time (having sex and just giving me oral) buy she just cant make herself do it, even knowing how much it is upsetting. She says she has no idea why and no idea has to how to work on it. We love each other very much, and everything else since she has been here has been great. We go out all the time, have a blast, cuddle and watch movies, just sex has been at best once every 2 weeks, and I am pretty sure that is when she forces herself. She says once she gets going it is good, but just the thought of doing it she cant bring herself to do it. I would like to be the cool husbund and not worry about it, but it is driving me crazy. The only time we fight is when I just feel sexually frustrated and I can't help myself not to be irritated in general, even when I try to calm myself down. Any advice would be greatly appricated.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi there-

 

Are you connecting with her emotionally? That is the number one thing a man can do to make his wife feel sexual towards him. If we're upset, angry or feeling neglected in any way at times it's hard to turn that off to get turned on. Make a night all about her pleasure without expecting her to pleasure you. Send her flowers, make a special date, give her a massage with candlelight..........spend alot of time on foreplay. Kiss her deeply just for pleasure, not because it will lead to sex.

 

If you're already doing all of these things, perhaps she needs counseling or to see a doctor about her hormone levels. Is she depressed at all about leaving home? That might be affecting her sex drive. Did she want to before??

 

Doing without sex is not being a cool husband. In a marriage both parties have to feel that their needs are being met. If not, you'll never be faithful even if you try to be.

 

Men connect to their wives sexually. Wives connect to their husbands emotionally. God made us all different, but it's not bad. We have to learn to connect with each other. You guys are young. Have you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman?? Another good one is "His Needs Her Needs How to Affair Proof your Marriage" by William Harley. Both of those would be good to read together. Don't act like you bought it for "her" and "Her problem" but so you both can learn how to have a successful marriage.

 

Good luck!

[octaman]

yes, she is really depressed about leaving home, she has never been big on change, and this is probably the biggest change in her life. We talk openly about how she feels all the time, I do really sweet stuff for her, and do the most I can to ease the transition. I am hoping she will become more interested as some time goes by and she addjusts, before I left for basic the sex was about 2-3 a week and good. I am wondering if some of the new more exciting expierences she had while we took a break might be comparing to the same old thing we had for 8 years, I was the only one she was with before we took the break. Should I wait it out and see how it goes? I love kissing, even if it dosent lead anywhere and we still do that from time to time, but she always breaks it off first, I think becasue she thinks I think it will lead elsewhere. She says she thinks about why she dosen't have any sexual urge all the time, but literally CANT bring herself to do anything sexually even if she tries. I don't know how to deal with that.

[Heavenlyflower9]

I guess i can say i'm one of those wives! My H and I have been together for 12, married for 9. It began the same way with us. H joined AF moved away...did'nt see each other for 7 months and we were finally together. It changed. Yeah.. i was homesick. Did'nt have any friends and i was always home with the dogs. I could'nt get myself in the mood. Did'nt need it like him. The usually 3-4 times a week was enough. I admit i had to force myself too sometimes. Which was'nt fair to him or me!

 

But after having our 2 children it went down even more! No interest whatsoever. Once a week was too much! If it was up to me we'd go for weeks without it. My H would pop in a video (porn) and it would help me get in the mood. When he starts touching me, i close my eyes take a deep breathe and i go with it. I like sex.. i do..when we're doing it. I just can't get make the first move. It's really hard to describe it.

 

We saw a MC. She really helped us. I've been improving! We're at 2 times week.

 

But i agree with Mz. Pixie! Has she gone to the doctor? Maybe they can help.

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

The emotions of moving, getting married, being somewhere now where she is away from everybody she knows her comfort level is low. This has nothing to do with you, she does love you!! This is change. Getting used to a new life, starting over and that can be very stressful. Women (not all, but most) when they feel down the first thing to disappear is their sex drive. I know it's happened with me. I didn't want it to, but it just did. My mind wanted it, but the body couldn't. The sex drive is affected by our emotions.

 

So, do nice things for her. Romance her, make her feel special and sexy. Kiss and fool around, cuddle and do massages, take the pressure off and don't concentrate on getting laid or having oral sex. The more you push, the less she will want to.

 

Spend time together and have fun. She needs to settle in, make friends, find her way about etc. I think that once she gets to a comfortable place she will jump you!!!

 

Keep on posting and keep communicating with your wife. Tell eachother I love you every day!! And ofcourse, add in a kiss too!

[octaman]

I'll bring up going to a doctor, however she has told me while we were apart she didn't have these problems, so I'm don't really think it is a hormonal problem. She is on a new brand of the pill, but she says that even though she looks at me and finds me attractive (I'm not vein, but I am a pretty good looking guy so my self esteem isen't hurt) she just dosent feel any sexual desire towards me at all. I know she REALLY REALLY misses home and her friends and family (she has lived there her whole life) and being 3000 miles away is really hard for her. However we are young, and I am a very sexual person, I would be at 2x a day with the right person (shocking from a 25 yr old guy hun, lol) I love her more than anything in the world, and I don't want to think that I could let sex be a deciding factor in if my marrige is successful, but I fear that this would drive a wedge between us that I wouldn't be able to get over, no matter how much I love her. I would never cheat on her, but I could see myself after perhaps 8 months of her being here and nothing changing sexually saying I want to seperarte just so I would not be in a position that it would be cheating. I have a huge sex drive and that not being met I don't know if I could put up with ANYONE no matter how much I love them. It's a real depressing situation I am in.

[whichwayisup]

I still think her emotions have alot to do with this, and now that you've mentioned a new birthcontrol pill, the hormones could come into play too. I know depending on what pill you're on, it DOES affect the sexdrive! She may need to find another pill to take. Definately do the doctor thing, and ofcourse couples therapy wouldn't hurt either.

 

Aside from the sex issues, is the rest of your relationship going well? I know you love her, but are things good between the two of you generally? Just curious, that's all.

 

Anyway, I stick to my original thought, all this change in her life has alot to do with what is going on now.

[octaman]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

I still think her emotions have alot to do with this, and now that you've mentioned a new birthcontrol pill, the hormones could come into play too. I know depending on what pill you're on, it DOES affect the sexdrive! She may need to find another pill to take. Definately do the doctor thing, and ofcourse couples therapy wouldn't hurt either.

 

Aside from the sex issues, is the rest of your relationship going well? I know you love her, but are things good between the two of you generally? Just curious, that's all.

 

Anyway, I stick to my original thought, all this change in her life has alot to do with what is going on now.

 

When we are together she says in the only time she is really happy. We have a blast together and the only times things get tense is the whole sexual thing. We have great communication and can talk about these things, that is why she gets so frustrated about the sex thing because she says she just can't explain it, and it drives her crazy why she feels how she does. I am really hoping it is the whole change thing, I understand, when she moved out of her parents house to a house that was only 5 miles away she stressed big time, so I feel how she must feel about moving 3000 miles away. She says she could go totally without sex how she feels now, the only reason she does it at all is just to satisfy me. I have been on a ackward scheduel this month at work, and we have only had time to be together 3-4 times a week, which I am sure REALLY sucks for her, but she is working now and no sitting at home or going to the beach alone, and tonight is my last night of this crappy scheduel so I am hoping my being around more will help. We have had romantic nights, they just haven't seemed to help any. Tonight (its 4am Hawaii time, I get off at 6) we are going up to north shore to just sit on the beach look at the stars talk and drink some wine. I'm trying my hardest!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

The emotions of moving, getting married, being somewhere now where she is away from everybody she knows her comfort level is low.

Well, most people's lives are stressful and busy most of the time. When does it really settle down? NEVER! So this is a lame excuse for not wanting sex.

 

 

This has nothing to do with you, she does love you!!

It could...women also lose interest in sex when they lose interest in their man.

 

This is change. Getting used to a new life, starting over and that can be very stressful.

In life change is a constant. Get used to it.

 

Women (not all, but most) when they feel down the first thing to disappear is their sex drive. I know it's happened with me. I didn't want it to, but it just did. My mind wanted it, but the body couldn't. The sex drive is affected by our emotions.

Well, men use sex as a pick-me-up to make ourselves feel better and wanted, apparently women do not according to your theory. No wonder both men and women start to cheat.

 

So, do nice things for her. Romance her, make her feel special and sexy. Kiss and fool around, cuddle and do massages, take the pressure off and don't concentrate on getting laid or having oral sex.

So in essence....stop acting like a man and start acting like a castrated eunich? that should really turn her on!

 

 

Spend time together and have fun. She needs to settle in, make friends, find her way about etc. I think that once she gets to a comfortable place she will jump you!!!

I doubt it....she'll just find new excuse to avoid sex.

 

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Anyway, I stick to my original thought, all this change in her life has alot to do with what is going on now.

I think it is much more complex than that.

[octaman]

Originally posted by alphamale

Well, most people's lives are stressful and busy most of the time. When does it really settle down? NEVER! So this is a lame excuse for not wanting sex.

 

 

 

It could...women also lose interest in sex when they lose interest in their man.

 

 

In life change is a constant. Get used to it.

 

 

Well, men use sex as a pick-me-up to make ourselves feel better and wanted, apparently women do not according to your theory. No wonder both men and women start to cheat.

 

 

So in essence....stop acting like a man and start acting like a castrated eunich? that should really turn her on!

 

 

 

I doubt it....she'll just find new excuse to avoid sex.

 

 

I think it is much more complex than that.

 

next on Worlds Most Jaded People! just kidding, if you think it's more complex, what do you mean? As to getting used to change, she has lived her whole life 23 years in the same area, close to her family, gone to college there and still has most of her best friends there, and now she is 3000 miles away with only me, so I don't blame her for being down at all!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by octaman

next on Worlds Most Jaded People! just kidding, if you think it's more complex, what do you mean?

what i mean is that when a woman really loves a man and has a high interest level she will be f***ing him 3 times per day. She is making up excuses to not have sex with you because of a much more serious reason. YOU need to find out what that reason is....and it is NOT the krap she's telling you it is.

[Lonestar]

Originally posted by alphamale

what i mean is that when a woman really loves a man and has a high interest level she will be f***ing him 3 times per day. She is making up excuses to not have sex with you because of a much more serious reason. YOU need to find out what that reason is....and it is NOT the krap she's telling you it is.

 

He's right about the first part. When a woman is passionately into a man, there is never enough sex. I have sex about 7 times a week with my boyfriend, and if we lived together, it would be twice that. I rarely ever had sex with one of my ex's b/c I was not physically attracted to him at all. He got fat, and lazy, and stupid. I was so turned off that if he touched me, I'd cringe. The thought of sex with him repulsed me. He was like a hairy blubber man pumping away on top of me. Blech.

 

The guy I'm with now is hot, and we have hot sex as much as possible. Sexual exploration has become a huge hobby of ours, so it just keeps getting better. Just curious, what kind of shape are you in, and how's your wife looking these days?

[octaman]

Originally posted by Lonestar

He's right about the first part. When a woman is passionately into a man, there is never enough sex. I have sex about 7 times a week with my boyfriend, and if we lived together, it would be twice that. I rarely ever had sex with one of my ex's b/c I was not physically attracted to him at all. He got fat, and lazy, and stupid. I was so turned off that if he touched me, I'd cringe. The thought of sex with him repulsed me. He was like a hairy blubber man pumping away on top of me. Blech.

 

The guy I'm with now is hot, and we have hot sex as much as possible. Sexual exploration has become a huge hobby of ours, so it just keeps getting better. Just curious, what kind of shape are you in, and how's your wife looking these days?

 

I'm in great shape, I have mandatory 3 mile run 3x a week and my boys and I hit the gym 4 times a week, we all get hit on a lot at clubs and what not,my wife is in good shape, she has put on 5 pounds since she got here, im not complaining, I still find her EXTREMLY hot, and tell her that all the time, but she says she isen't happy with how she looks even though I see no difference and tell her she is hot.

[Lonestar]

Originally posted by octaman

I'm in great shape, I have mandatory 3 mile run 3x a week and my boys and I hit the gym 4 times a week, we all get hit on a lot at clubs and what not,my wife is in good shape, she has put on 5 pounds since she got here, im not complaining, I still find her EXTREMLY hot, and tell her that all the time, but she says she isen't happy with how she looks even though I see no difference and tell her she is hot.

 

okay, so it's not that, except that she's not happy with her own self. Probably some mild depression. Get her exercising. In fact, exercise with her. People who work out together tend to get very turned on by each other. I read it releases some kind of hormone. Ever notice how everyone checks each other out at the gym?

 

She's also young. A lot of women don't really start enjoying sex until they hit their mid 30s, but I don't think you want to wait that long.

[octaman]

Originally posted by Lonestar

okay, so it's not that, except that she's not happy with her own self. Probably some mild depression. Get her exercising. In fact, exercise with her. People who work out together tend to get very turned on by each other. I read it releases some kind of hormone. Ever notice how everyone checks each other out at the gym?

 

She's also young. A lot of women don't really start enjoying sex until they hit their mid 30s, but I don't think you want to wait that long.

 

No, I don't think I want to wait that long, lol! Coming off this scheduel I'm on my wife said she wants me to motivate her at the gym, funny you should mention that, and we are starting a scheduel together, hope that helps out! Anything else I should try?

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

The emotions of moving, getting married, being somewhere now where she is away from everybody she knows her comfort level is low.

 

Well, most people's lives are stressful and busy most of the time. When does it really settle down? NEVER! So this is a lame excuse for not wanting sex.

 

Yes I am totally aware of that ALPHA, but she endured many changes and that affected her emotionally. Which then affects her sex drive. If she has some depression too, that WILL affect HOW she feels about herself. It's not bullcrap my dear...

 

This has nothing to do with you, she does love you!!

 

It could...women also lose interest in sex when they lose interest in their man.

 

Yes, that is possible, but just because their sex life isn't going well right now doesn't mean she's losing interest in him or not loving him. Read abit more between the lines...

 

This is change. Getting used to a new life, starting over and that can be very stressful.

 

In life change is a constant. Get used to it.

 

Not everybody handles change well. Some do, some don't. Ofcourse it's easy to say "get used to it and get over it" but it ain't that easy at times.

 

Women (not all, but most) when they feel down the first thing to disappear is their sex drive. I know it's happened with me. I didn't want it to, but it just did. My mind wanted it, but the body couldn't. The sex drive is affected by our emotions.

 

Well, men use sex as a pick-me-up to make ourselves feel better and wanted, apparently women do not according to your theory. No wonder both men and women start to cheat.

 

Agree and disagree. If a couple is having problems and she's feeling unloved by HIM and neglected, then yes, outside influences are usually a factor and could lead to cheating. BUT, if life is just hard, and she's happy with him, but not herself, not feeling as good about herself as before, SHE needs her husband's love and affection. She should be putting some energy into herself too, making herself feel better on her own too...

 

So, do nice things for her. Romance her, make her feel special and sexy. Kiss and fool around, cuddle and do massages, take the pressure off and don't concentrate on getting laid or having oral sex.

 

So in essence....stop acting like a man and start acting like a castrated eunich? that should really turn her on!

NO, that is how YOU interpret that...A man can be loving and kind without being a castrated eunich. Maybe that's not possible for you??? Either way, it won't hurt the marriage if he is attentive to her and showers her with affection. I think that kind of giving would enhance her sexual feelings towards him.

 

 

Spend time together and have fun. She needs to settle in, make friends, find her way about etc. I think that once she gets to a comfortable place she will jump you!!!

 

I doubt it....she'll just find new excuse to avoid sex.

 

We'll see...

 

Anyway, I stick to my original thought, all this change in her life has alot to do with what is going on now.

 

I think it is much more complex than that.

 

We'll see...I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by octaman

 

When we are together she says in the only time she is really happy. We have a blast together and the only times things get tense is the whole sexual thing. We have great communication and can talk about these things, that is why she gets so frustrated about the sex thing because she says she just can't explain it, and it drives her crazy why she feels how she does. I am really hoping it is the whole change thing, I understand, when she moved out of her parents house to a house that was only 5 miles away she stressed big time, so I feel how she must feel about moving 3000 miles away. She says she could go totally without sex how she feels now, the only reason she does it at all is just to satisfy me. I have been on a ackward scheduel this month at work, and we have only had time to be together 3-4 times a week, which I am sure REALLY sucks for her, but she is working now and no sitting at home or going to the beach alone, and tonight is my last night of this crappy scheduel so I am hoping my being around more will help. We have had romantic nights, they just haven't seemed to help any. Tonight (its 4am Hawaii time, I get off at 6) we are going up to north shore to just sit on the beach look at the stars talk and drink some wine. I'm tryingmy hardest!

 

I guess patience is a virtue right now. Keep doing what you're doing. It's not easy, so hang in there.

 

Originally posted by octaman

 

next on Worlds Most Jaded People! just kidding, if you think it's more complex, what do you mean? As to getting used to change, she has lived her whole life 23 years in the same area, close to her family, gone to college there and still has most of her best friends there, and now she is 3000 miles away with only me, so I don't blame her for being down at all!

 

I'm glad you understand that. She may not be handling this change as well as she should be. Again, patience and understanding is important.

 

I do want to make another point though, (thanks ALPHA, your thoughts are now invading my mind! ) if this continues to go on for another bunch of months then it's really time to sit and talk, figure out what is really going on. I highly doubt any feelings for you have changed. Don't worry yet, I have confidence that things will be OK.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Either way, it won't hurt the marriage if he is attentive to her and showers her with affection. I think that kind of giving would enhance her sexual feelings towards him.

I've tried that before with women....it does not work. The more you "give" and "shower" her the less sex he'll get. What he needs to do is distance himself from her and become indifferent. All of a sudden her sexuality will awaken. Works for me!

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by alphamale

 

I've tried that before with women....it does not work. The more you "give" and "shower" her the less sex he'll get. What he needs to do is distance himself from her and become indifferent. All of a sudden her sexuality will awaken. Works for me!

 

Yes, I understand that, but the difference is were you married to that woman? Maybe that works when you're not married or in a long committed relationship, but in marriage when you do that it means something else...Or is taken the wrong way. THAT causes more problems...

[alphamale]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

but in marriage when you do that it means something else...Or is taken the wrong way. THAT causes more problems...

thats why one does not get married

 

in general when a woman stops wanting sex with her man there is a MAJOR problem. Problem is that the women can't identify what that problem is, or if they can then they don't say it honestly and directly.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by alphamale

 

thats why one does not get married

 

I knewyou were gonna say that! You're getting TOO predictable my dear!

[New_Wife]

To the Original Poster,

 

What a good husband you must be to try to figure this out and get help, instead of doing some of the stuff folks seem to think is a good idea (e.g. cheating, etc).

 

I had a medication change in my life recently, and my sex drive just went down to zero. It was odd to me, because I was previously a pretty horny wife. I wanted to tell you that because sometimes the chemicals in a body (women or men) can change in ways you don't really understand and leave you with a dead libido for a bit. I still adore my hubby, I find him sexy as all get out, and I love it when we do get busy - I just don't find myself thinking about it much or initiating it.

 

For me, depression can do the same thing, and certain medications to treat it can make it even worse sometimes. I think that you are on the right track to try to figure out what's in your wife's heart & if you take her to counseling (with or without you - together might be best) it certainly won't hurt anything.

 

Good luck.

[Ladyjane14]

I'd say the most likely cause of her decrease in sexual desire is physiological. She's only 23 after all.

 

It's NORMAL for women to have occasional fluctuations in their sex drive....even incidences of sexual aversion from time to time.

 

She should definately see her gyno. The effects of oral birth control are usually minimal in regards to libido....but there is a small percentage of women who are seriously effected by it.

 

Here's one such article available on-line:

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/84/98116

 

After she's cleared by her gyno for physiological problems, and if the problem has not subsided, you might consider psychological counseling for her. Sometimes aversion can develop for psychological reasons.

 

This probably has NOTHING to do with her love for you, kiddo. Relax.