I'm married and want to have an affair with a married man

[Doscreetlady]

I've been married 4 years and have a 3 year old. My husband is amazing and I love him dearly, we have a great sex life and he's a great father.

 

Recently however, I've been feeling that I want to have an affair - nothing too emotional, just a physical act of exhilirating sex with someone other than my spouse.

 

I'm interested in a man from work (he's a similar age, 9 years married and 2 kids), we work in different offices but sometimes had the opportunity to meet up offsite for events and such like.

 

We have shared Snapchats and enjoy each other's company when we're together.... he's a little shy but he is coming out of his shell a bit more with me.

 

I want to have sex with him so bad and it's driving me mad. I don't k ow how to deal with this.

 

I don't want to leave husband - I'm not unhappy, I just feel for some reason that I need something 'extra'. I talked to my husband about this and he said if I do anything, he doesn't want to know and would prefer to live in ignorance - I hadn't taken this as a green light.

[SoleMate]

Do you have a question?

[wmacbride]

I've been married 4 years and have a 3 year old. My husband is amazing and I love him dearly, we have a great sex life and he's a great father.

 

Recently however, I've been feeling that I want to have an affair - nothing too emotional, just a physical act of exhilirating sex with someone other than my spouse.

 

I'm interested in a man from work (he's a similar age, 9 years married and 2 kids), we work in different offices but sometimes had the opportunity to meet up offsite for events and such like.

 

We have shared Snapchats and enjoy each other's company when we're together.... he's a little shy but he is coming out of his shell a bit more with me.

 

I want to have sex with him so bad and it's driving me mad. I don't k ow how to deal with this.

 

I don't want to leave husband - I'm not unhappy, I just feel for some reason that I need something 'extra'. I talked to my husband about this and he said if I do anything, he doesn't want to know and would prefer to live in ignorance - I hadn't taken this as a green light.

 

Is that need really worth destroying life as you know it, and hurting your husband and kids in ways you can't even begin to understand.

 

I do want to give you a huge amount of credit though. At least you are trying to understand why you feel like you do before you act instead of after. The feelings in and of themselves aren't bad ( it's normal for humans to feel physically attracted to others), it's acting on them that would be so destructive.

[Simple Logic]

I talked to my husband about this and he said if I do anything, he doesn't want to know and would prefer to live in ignorance - I hadn't taken this as a green light.

 

Explain how this will work when your AP's wife calls your husband telling him to keep his (add demeaning term) wife from banging her husband?

[NotCamelot]

Recently however, I've been feeling that I want to have an affair - nothing too emotional, just a physical act of exhilirating sex with someone other than my spouse.

 

You are treading into very dangerous territory. Most will not be able to separate the physical from the emotional, especially after the physical has happened.

 

 

Your husband's words are probably not what he is really thinking. I bet that, in his mind, there are completely different thoughts.

 

 

Be prepared. If you continue down this path, you may find yourself without the husband that you say is "amazing" and that you "love so much".

[aliveagain]

I've been married 4 years and have a 3 year old. My husband is amazing and I love him dearly, we have a great sex life and he's a great father.

 

Recently however, I've been feeling that I want to have an affair - nothing too emotional, just a physical act of exhilirating sex with someone other than my spouse.

 

I'm interested in a man from work (he's a similar age, 9 years married and 2 kids), we work in different offices but sometimes had the opportunity to meet up offsite for events and such like.

 

We have shared Snapchats and enjoy each other's company when we're together.... he's a little shy but he is coming out of his shell a bit more with me.

 

I want to have sex with him so bad and it's driving me mad. I don't k ow how to deal with this.

 

I don't want to leave husband - I'm not unhappy, I just feel for some reason that I need something 'extra'. I talked to my husband about this and he said if I do anything, he doesn't want to know and would prefer to live in ignorance - I hadn't taken this as a green light.

 

Once you step over that line there is no turning back and there is absolutely no way to ever unfu*k yourself. Before you forever change your life and the life of your potential other man please read the post of Angelita also in the Infidelity forum. What you find boring now you will never have back again. Take this time and find out what is causing you to have these feelings with the help of a professional before you not only destroy your future but that of your child, your husband and everyone that loves you.

 

What you are considering is a life changing event. No cheating spouse ever expects to get caught but they do. Just look at how many thousands and thousands of members are on this site, they or their spouse got caught, ask them if they would do it again. Once you become a liar and a cheat you will spend the rest of your life guarding that secret, that's a long time to carry something that life changing. You will never be free of it because you can't control other people and you still have to look at yourself every day in a mirror. Adultery is a conscious choice, cheating on your spouse takes planning, your husband, your family, your friends all know this and that is why the penalty is permanent. Wake up before it is too late, read Angelita's post, "My Husband Found Out About My Affair." Her affair was already over and he found out, the pain to him is the same regardless of when he finds out, the consequence to her, her children her family and friends are the same as if it just happened. This will be you. I would bet she would give everything she has to be in your position and stop herself from doing what she did. Just read her earlier posts from before she got caught and see the difference.

Edited April 13, 2017 by aliveagain

[central]

You may have a green light, but there are still two problems: the OM does not, and what happens IF your husband does find out? He may be willing to put on blinders now and while he doesn't know - but what if that changes if he does know?

 

 

Your best course of action is to find a way to get over this urge. The next best is to see if your husband would enjoy having another woman, and if so, try swinging together - better to have consensual sex with others who are also having consensual sex, than to cheat or endanger another couple's relationship.

[Michelle ma Belle]

And...?

 

Not sure what the point is to this thread. Are you looking for us to give you that green light?

 

I think you already know this isn't an ideal situation and one that can blow up in your face potentially ruining both your marriage and his, and the damage you'll do to each of your families.

 

But whatever, right?

 

You've got needs that need to be met despite a supposedly happy and fulfilling marriage.

 

Good luck.

[BaileyB]

I've been married 4 years and have a 3 year old. My husband is amazing and I love him dearly, we have a great sex life and he's a great father.

 

Don't do it, unless you are prepared to lose everything that you hold so dearly...

 

You know, that experience when you take your child to the grocery store and she starts to ask, "Mommy, I want that treat." And you say "darling, we can't have that treat. We have treats at home. And, too many treats are not good for you..." And, she doesn't like your answer so she starts to scream, throws a tantrum, and you have to carry her out of the store. You do this because you know that you can't have exactly what you want, all the time... Sometimes, you have to say no and walk away because you know that it is for the best. You are, in fact, trying to teach your daughter some self control.

 

Perhaps, you also need to learn the same lesson. You can't always get what you want... and, as a wife and mother, it's not only about you - you have the ability to destroy your husband and your daughters family if you are selfish and have an affair with this man. Is it really worth it, or should you put it back on the shelf and keep walking...

[Doscreetlady]

I'm definitely not looking the green light for the forum. And I haven't taken my husbands words as a green light. I spoke to my husband as I thought by letting him k is what was in my head, I'd be a lot more weary of my actions.

 

I know that once I do it, I can't undo it. Yet I feel like I'm on a fast track and the temptation is so great, I can't possibly put the breaks on. It's an awful feeling and is consuming my thoughts daily.

 

We have such a great family unit, yet I can see it all falling apart in front of me.

 

Il definitely going to read Angelitas thread, that's my next stop.

[d0nnivain]

My advice -- fantasize to your heart's content about this other guy but do not make any of it a reality. Take all that longing & desire & pour it into being excited by your husband again.

[aliveagain]

I'm definitely not looking the green light for the forum. And I haven't taken my husbands words as a green light. I spoke to my husband as I thought by letting him k is what was in my head, I'd be a lot more weary of my actions.

 

I know that once I do it, I can't undo it. Yet I feel like I'm on a fast track and the temptation is so great, I can't possibly put the breaks on. It's an awful feeling and is consuming my thoughts daily.

 

We have such a great family unit, yet I can see it all falling apart in front of me.

Il definitely going to read Angelitas thread, that's my next stop.

 

You have already put your husband on notice, I will bet money he is now watching your actions and those of the other man. Your path is already changing, your family unit will be affected because the seed of distrust has been planted. If these feelings are consuming you, get help and find out why, better still decide what is more important to you, your job or your marriage because one of them is going to go. Maybe you should be looking to change jobs if your too weak to fight for your marriage.

[DKT3]

It always peaks my interest when a spouse response is "I don't want to know" to me, it seems to translate to don't ask don't tell which indicates that he too is on the fence about fidelity or on the other side.

 

I was once watch a show where the wife was having an affair, the husband found out and basically responded like your husband, she then runs back to her affair partner and recounts​the conversation to him in which he reports "silly girl, the only time a man says that is when he is already f'ing some other woman" the wife was shocked and almost instantly lost all interest in her affair focusing on what her husband was doing....Oh it was the nanny.

[Doscreetlady]

I've started reading Angelita's thread.. very interesting and thought provoking.

 

To give you some back story... we got married quickly following a very passionate start to our relationship (although we'd known each other for a lot longer as friends). We ended up fall pregnant very quickly into our r'ship too.

 

Roll on to when we had our baby... I had severe post natal depression and ended up losing my job. We scraped by financially and he bore the brunt of the childcare and managing the house while I recovered. We barely had any sex during that period.

 

I'm fully recovered now and back to work - I have quite a high powered career that requires travel, and I earn more than double what my husband earns so I guess in some ways, I hold a lot of power and have a lot more freedom than he has.

 

Things have been really tough for us as a couple and I thought we were working through that. We don't have the same financial pressure as we once had, we're not rich but we're comfortable and have a nice lifestyle. We do still have ups and downs - his complaint is that I disengage from him and I do wonder if this is when I start to look elsewhere.

 

My husband isn't perfect, neither am I (far from it, in fact), but he's perfect for me. We're very well matched and we have a lot of shared interests, he agrees with me that we're a very good team.

 

However, even with all of that, I still have this urge to go and try something new on for size.

 

I know this sounds awful and you must all be thinking my poor husband, and I think that myself. He's one of the nicest guys I've ever met and I know I'd never meet another, yet I want to do this to him. I'd say I'm already at the stage of an emotional affair as I'm so consumed by this so how can I possibly be giving my marriage my full attention.

 

I just don't know what to do or how to deal with these feelings. I need a slap

[Doscreetlady]

Once you become a liar and a cheat you will spend the rest of your life guarding that secret, that's a long time to carry something that life changing.

 

 

I also think that it would open the floodgates for me... if I do it once with Mr A. What's to stop me doing it again in another 3-4 years time with Mr B.? I know this, yet I can't stop my thoughts.

[d0nnivain]

You are an alpha female married to a beta (at least by comparison) guy. You are looking for exciting & think your husband is too boring to give it to you.

 

 

Instead of going elsewhere, do something to ramp up what is going on in your marital bed. If getting him to spank you does it, so be it. (You said you need to be slapped which I know you meant figuratively but think about what I said. If you can find a way to restore him as "head of household" even though you are the primary bread winner & he's doing more child care, I think you will solve your problem without destroying your marriage)

[mightycpa]

It always peaks my interest

That's "pique"... It always piques my interest... Not a scold, just an FYI.

 

Your husband's words are probably not what he is really thinking. I bet that, in his mind, there are completely different thoughts.

So in your mind, the tables are turned! HE is the liar, while she's been 100% honest! Interesting....

 

I've been feeling that I want to have an affair - nothing too emotional, just a physical act of exhilirating sex with someone other than my spouse.

I'm not sure this is 100% true. You're not looking for sex with "someone other than your spouse". It's not like any old d*ck will do. You want sex with a "certain someone" other than your spouse. That implies at least some emotional desire or connection with the individual who is attached to that d*ck.

 

I would simply suggest that once you do that, imagine how you're going to feel right afterwards. Everything around you is going to become something you need to hide; where you were, what you were doing, who you were with. All of a sudden, you'll feel vulnerable to someone exposing the truth. Him, his wife, your phone, an acquaintance who happened to see you at the hotel. Do your clothes smell different? What if you don't like it, but he does? What if he didn't like it, but you do? You're going to be on high alert and you will look at yourself differently after you do it.

 

Tread carefully. I'm sure you can't know exactly what to expect, but expect something different than what you feel today.

[GorillaTheater]

I also think that it would open the floodgates for me... if I do it once with Mr A. What's to stop me doing it again in another 3-4 years time with Mr B.?

 

 

Realizing the impact it may have on the marriages and families of Mr. A and Mr. B?

 

 

You may or may not have a green light from your husband, but I'm pretty skeptical that these guys have received or will receive similar permission from their wives. Don't be complicit in destroying someone else's family. Be better than that.

[aileD]

Sounds like your husband has stuck with you through some tough times.

 

It's too bad it seems mien you're going to screw that all up for an obsession.

 

I would suggest counseling to help you discover the reasons behind why you are self-centered, obsessive, and needing constant excitement to keep you happy.

[jenkins95]

Please don't do it DoscreetLady.

 

I am a former cheater and I so understand that urge you have, but some itches shouldn't be scratched.

 

I went to the next level - I experienced thrills, highs and a lot of hormones - but the cost has been immense. It wasn't worth it, the pain has been 1000 times more than any pleasure I got in the early A days - pleasure which now sickens me daily. I wish I could go back now...and take up golf instead!

 

I hurt a lot of people and am still a mess now, almost two years after the A ended. As well as all other predictable damage that an affair does, one thing I hadn't foreseen was how much it changes you, as the cheater, irreversibly. And there's no escape from that - wherever you go, YOU are always there and you have to look at yourself in the mirror and deal with the demons in your head. They get quieter, but never fully go away.

 

I am actually one of the lucky ones, I was forgiven and my wife and we have been giving 100% to reconciliation ever since. We are happy again and rebuilding. But it can never be undone and there will always be that stain. Think of a racing driver who has an awful crash and breaks almost every bone in his body. If he is lucky, he will survive and his injuries will heal gradually. But that body is never going to be like it was before the crash.

 

Like wmac, I think you deserve enormous great credit for coming here for advice and for really thinking this through before taking the plunge. I truly admire you for that. I didn't hit this site until after D-day and my life and those around me were already a bomb site. This site has been amazing for me too, but prevention is so much better than cure.

 

You seem like a lovely person with a lovely family - don't spoil it (and don't allow your colleague to either). Talk with your husband and try to discover other ways of bringing more excitement into your lives, but please don't have an affair.

 

...and keep posting. Lots of very knowlegdeable peope here who have been on all sides of this kind of story, almost all hurting in one way or another. I agree with almost evrything that has been written on this thread.

 

Good luck. I wish you, your H and your family nothing but the best.

[magnesium]

You seem like a smart lady.

 

My advice: drink tea, meditate, hit the spa.

 

Ask the lord and saviour [insert what you worship here] for guidance.

[vanhalenfan]

Don't do it, unless you are prepared to lose everything that you hold so dearly...

 

You know, that experience when you take your child to the grocery store and she starts to ask, "Mommy, I want that treat." And you say "darling, we can't have that treat. We have treats at home. And, too many treats are not good for you..." And, she doesn't like your answer so she starts to scream, throws a tantrum, and you have to carry her out of the store. You do this because you know that you can't have exactly what you want, all the time... Sometimes, you have to say no and walk away because you know that it is for the best. You are, in fact, trying to teach your daughter some self control.

 

Perhaps, you also need to learn the same lesson. You can't always get what you want... and, as a wife and mother, it's not only about you - you have the ability to destroy your husband and your daughters family if you are selfish and have an affair with this man. Is it really worth it, or should you put it back on the shelf and keep walking...

 

Exactly this. You are being incredibly selfish. If ruining your own children's lives and that of your husband isn't enough for you, maybe think the OM's children and wife. There are a lot of lives to be affected by your selfish needs. Many women would give anything to be in your shoes now...Happy home life, amazing husband and children. Don't throw it away for a quick thrill. You will regret it, believe me. Just step away and count your blessings.

[ChatroomHero]

Be realistic. Think of the first time you had sex. After you were probably like, "so, that was it? Eh". I bet in your fantasies you only imagine up to the point of the sex and nothing after. Think about when the excitement loses it's edge and it becomes more real.

 

 

You don't fantasize about lying about things to your husband and how you will feel guilt. You don't fantasize about his wife finding out and it affecting your job. You don't fantasize about the inevitable day that one day you and the other guy will have to call it quits and one of you can't let go. You don't fantasize about being in the middle of sex and your phone rings and your husband is calling for your help with the baby.

 

 

Maybe just try fantasizing the whole thing through and not just the initial good part and see if it still seems so appealing.

[GoldenR]

The only answer I can come up with is this:

 

Divorce your husband. Immediately. You say he's perfect for you, but then you say you're obsessed with another man. So no, he's not perfect for you. You like the comfort and security he provides you. You don't love him. And you are for sure in no way possible, perfect for him. Quite the opposite, actually. You're lethal to him. You want to destroy him. You care about you and only you. You don't deserve your H, and he deserves much better than you.

 

So divorce him first, and then go after your MM. It'll hurt him less that way. And then at least that way you'll only be destroying one family with your selfishness, or more, depending on how many MM you go through.

[aliveagain]

Please don't do it DoscreetLady.

 

I am a former cheater and I so understand that urge you have, but some itches shouldn't be scratched.

 

I went to the next level - I experienced thrills, highs and a lot of hormones - but the cost has been immense. It wasn't worth it, the pain has been 1000 times more than any pleasure I got in the early A days - pleasure which now sickens me daily. I wish I could go back now...and take up golf instead!

 

I hurt a lot of people and am still a mess now, almost two years after the A ended. As well as all other predictable damage that an affair does, one thing I hadn't foreseen was how much it changes you, as the cheater, irreversibly. And there's no escape from that - wherever you go, YOU are always there and you have to look at yourself in the mirror and deal with the demons in your head. They get quieter, but never fully go away.

 

I am actually one of the lucky ones, I was forgiven and my wife and we have been giving 100% to reconciliation ever since. We are happy again and rebuilding. But it can never be undone and there will always be that stain. Think of a racing driver who has an awful crash and breaks almost every bone in his body. If he is lucky, he will survive and his injuries will heal gradually. But that body is never going to be like it was before the crash.

 

Like wmac, I think you deserve enormous great credit for coming here for advice and for really thinking this through before taking the plunge. I truly admire you for that. I didn't hit this site until after D-day and my life and those around me were already a bomb site. This site has been amazing for me too, but prevention is so much better than cure.

 

You seem like a lovely person with a lovely family - don't spoil it (and don't allow your colleague to either). Talk with your husband and try to discover other ways of bringing more excitement into your lives, but please don't have an affair.

 

...and keep posting. Lots of very knowlegdeable peope here who have been on all sides of this kind of story, almost all hurting in one way or another. I agree with almost evrything that has been written on this thread.

 

Good luck. I wish you, your H and your family nothing but the best.

 

This, read it over and over and over again. Would you mind leaning forward a bit while I aim my open palm for the side of your face. I hope it was hard enough to roll your eyeballs back into focus so you can see the damage your about to create before you act on it. Just a question, have you always sabotaged yourself when things are going too well?