is husband cheating?

[NTV]

She didn't dodge the question. She responded in the title answering the with " No, I'm not" to the question with. Check out post #16

 

Didn't see that. Right y'are!

[Gabria]

we already talked and told him i want divorce.

He does not like and he's trying to pursue me again.

I cannot move out of the apartment yet because i am still waiting for the results of my job applications.

Should i just ignore him the whole time even when we still sleep beside each other?

[Overtaxed]

actually i still have sex with him during my horny days. it is just not everyday like he likes it. we even both come, and do different things and enjoy it. there are just things i don't like to do anymore like giving him a b job.

i said i am not so interested anymore like before, so i only do it when i like it, not because he wants it.

 

Ahh, yeah; I'm probably going to get beat with a hammer for this, but...

 

That's not how it works. You pledged yourself to your husband and he to you when you stood on the alter. You don't get to decide when you want to honor that pledge (horny days) and when you don't (not horny days). Marriage is often defined as "work", I'd extend that to be it's a "job"; it's a job that I happen to enjoy very much, but it's a job.

 

You don't wake up today and decide, you know what, today isn't a day I feel like doing my job. Forget about it, I'll just take the day off and not let anyone know. Or, if you do, you don't have that job for very long.

 

I suspect if your husband woke up tomorrow and said to himself, you know, this work thing stinks, and I really don't enjoy cleaning the house or waking up with the baby or taking care of the pets or providing my wife emotional support you'd have serious issue with it. It's his JOB in the marriage to do those things for you, not when he feels like it, but when YOU feel like it or when it needs doing. He doesn't get to decide "I really don't feel like doing this work thing anymore" and expect to stay married, just like you shouldn't expect to decide "this sex thing when he wants it is for the birds" and expect him to stay with you.

 

Sadly, it's a bit worse than that. Sex is the only thing that we truly cannot get anywhere other than our spouse. So, as long as you have the money, if your husband does decide "This lawn mowing thing stinks, I'm not doing it anymore" you can hire that service out and the lawn is still mowed, everyone happy. Even if he decides this "waking up at 3AM with the kids is too much", you can have your/his mother stay with you or hire a live in; it's not exclusive, there are other ways to deal with your spouses lack of desire for certain tasks.

 

Except for sex. There's no "hiring it out" (well, there is, but very few women want that to happen) to have someone else take care of it. You are his only sexual outlet; you are the only way he's permitted, in they eyes of God and society, to have sexual relations with another person. If you say "No", it doesn't mean "But feel free to Google up someone to help you with that" it mean's "You are NOT having sex today". It's the only thing in a marriage that's like that; even emotional closeness, you can get that from your family, your friends, etc. You can get someone to listen to your deepest secrets at a psychologists office. You can get someone to do absolutely anything for you in the bounds of the marital relationship except for sex. Couple that with the male sex drive, that's a huge deal, and it gives women a shocking amount of power in a married relationship.

 

You might stay married going down the road your on; I know a lot of men who are in your husbands situation. Some of them grin and bear it. Some of them have women on the side. Some of them see pros. Some of them divorce. None of them are what I would consider "happy" in their marriage. I can promise you, having sex only when you "feel like it" is ripping your husband apart inside; yes, some sex is better than no sex, but being with a woman who doesn't really desire you is soul killing. And if you really "wanted" him you'd let him have you, not when you feel like it, but when he does.

[somanymistakes]

You are aware that marital rape is a crime, right? She still gets to decide what happens to her body.

 

And yes, if he doesn't like it, he can leave.

 

Couple that with the male sex drive, that's a huge deal, and it gives women a shocking amount of power in a married relationship.

 

How is it a shocking amount of power if you believe she doesn't have the right to decide that she doesn't want to have sex for even a single day?

[Unforseen]

You are aware that marital rape is a crime, right? She still gets to decide what happens to her body.

 

And yes, if he doesn't like it, he can leave.

 

 

 

How is it a shocking amount of power if you believe she doesn't have the right to decide that she doesn't want to have sex for even a single day?

 

You are quite right. Unwanted sex is a crime married or not. I may have misread something but I don't Overtaxed was implying that she doesn't have the right to say no. To extend the job analogy, no one is forced to go to work, but if you don't go you may not have a job the next day.

 

It is an incredible amount of power and like any power can be abused to cause harm or generously used out of mercy. Okay. I'm getting carried away. There is power though. My W used it to hurt me as much as possible. She admitted to withholding sex to hurt me and make sure my desires were not met. I don't think I deserved that kind of treatment and it did really hurt and cause a huge breach in our marriage. The fact that I was a jerk probably didn't help matters either.

 

Things are much better now. I take the time and effort and energy to do my best to earn that gift of sex from her and she is kind enough to grace me with it at times when maybe it isn't really what she wants to do.

 

I put the effort in because I love her, I love sex, and specifically love sex with her. She will put the effort into accommodating my needs and desires now because she loves me and wants me to be happy. An excellent compromise!

[BluesPower]

Hold on a minute unforeseen????

 

That gift that you speak of goes both ways. If you are in a situation where you are not giving a good as you get, brother that is a problem.

 

If I ever had a woman that made me think she was doing me a favor by having sex with me, she would be gone in a heartbeat.

 

I can get sex anytime I want it from a variety of women, just as she can. If she does not want to be with me because she is into me and enjoys me she can take a hike and I will move on to the next one.

 

Man, that is just some type of wrong headed think IMHO.

 

I could never live like that...

[Just a Guy]

I thought there was something known as "Conjugal Rights" or, maybe, in the twenty first century that concept went out the window to be replaced with "Marital Rape". I understand that a husband should not force himself on his wife for many legitimate reasons that she may have but if she denies him just because she doesn't feel like it, seems to me to be a poor reason. Women, in any case do not respond sexually as men do. It takes a lot of TLC to get them going. If a husband is prepared to make the effort and shower his wife with a lot of TLC, I guess most wives would respond positively. The OP's admission definitely sounds like she has her selfish reasons to deny her husband sex.

 

Other than the sex aspect I think her marriage is rather dysfunctional and commitment on both sides is weak if at all present in any measure. In such a situation the best would be to call off the marriage and go their separate ways. I wonder why her husband wants to hang on to the marriage if he is not committed to it? I think the OP has been pretty honest about her feelings and her intentions and I guess when she does have the means to support herself she will pull the plug on this sham of a marriage. Warm wishes.

Edited April 28, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Overtaxed]

You are aware that marital rape is a crime, right? She still gets to decide what happens to her body.

 

And yes, if he doesn't like it, he can leave.

 

 

 

How is it a shocking amount of power if you believe she doesn't have the right to decide that she doesn't want to have sex for even a single day?

 

Of course it is, and what you said is absolutely true, he (or she) can leave if they don't like it. However, the bent that society has taken around this is very different, if a man desires sex with his wife and she doesn't want it, the first answer is "What is he doing wrong", coupled often with a "You go girl" and "That's your right".

 

Well, guess what? I've had a lot of sex when I don't really feel like it. I also go to work all the time when I don't really feel like it. This is called being an adult, and in a married relationship, as an adult, you are going to be called on to do things you don't feel like doing at that particular point and time. I'd estimate that about 50% of the time I have sex with my W, I "feel like it" before we start. Does that make it "marital rape" because I acquiesced to it and didn't really want to? Of course not, it's called "give and take" in a relationship and putting the other person first. And sex, once you start doing it, is very often fun and enjoyable, even if you weren't int the mood first.

 

People throwing the word "rape" around need to have a primer on what rape really is. It's a violent crime, it's not "duty sex". No, I don't think that a husband should smack his wife around until she has sex with him, not at all. But expecting that your partner (male or female) would make themselves sexually available to you in a married relationship is, IMHO, a reasonable expectation. It's the ONLY thing that sets the married relationship apart from every other relationship you have out there, it's terribly important to most men and some women, and withholding it because "I don't feel like it" but then taking out the trash when "I don't feel like it" is ridiculous. Sure, best case, both of you are deathly horny at the same exact time and the stars align, which, of course, does happen. But it's not going to be every time, and if we put in people's heads that "If you don't really want it from your husband/wife right then and there, you're being raped" we're going to destroy a lot of marriages.

[Hecan]

Your posts always make me think....( sorry so long)

 

You are right. Marriage is a partnership. Both people have to be aware of what the other person needs or desires or wants. It's my job as a wife to be there for my husband just as it is his to be there for me. Do we sometimes fail one another? Absolutely !!! But for some reason ( usually women although I also know of the opposite in marriages ) think controlling sex is ok. The term I have seen used is "gate keeping". It's wrong, sorry ladies!!! I'm not saying that you can't ever say " no", that is ridiculous but to use it against our husband is wrong.

 

Several points.

One is men can usually just want sex. Women usually require some "warm up " time. So although I might not want it as soon as I walk in the door, that doesn't mean he can't get me in the mood. The truth is I do have the power/control to let him. That's not rape for goodness sake. (I think anyone that has read any of OT 's post and other men on here as well know they don't just want sex, they want it with their wife!)

 

If you don't enjoy it , think about why that is?? See if your husband can help out with that. He can't know if you won't talk to him.

 

I don't like the term "duty sex". To me, that implies no enjoyment. I do believe in " maintenance sex". Marriage requires maintenance, for guys that don't really like intimate conversation, you have to step up to the plate when your wife needs it. No different than sex IMO .

 

As a wife, what can your husband do to help you get there. If he is any kind of decent man, he will most likely try to meet that critical need. The thing is, you have to honest and tell him!! As with anything, our husbands can't read our mind and although WE can't figure out how they could possibly not know , they don't think like we do. My husband has said MANY times, " baby why didn't you just tell me instead of waiting till you were spiitting mad". BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE KNEW... I mean it was obvious to me!

 

One other point I would like to make. Although sex is the one thing that sets marriage apart, I need an emotional bond to get there, and it HAS to be with my husband. Yes, I can share life with others but I need to know that I share an emotional bond with my husband that I do not have with anyone else, not my best friend etc. Sex binds that and I think that is the case for most females, where guys may bond with the sex first.

 

 

Now, here the OP. asks about us he cheating before the rest of the story has come out. I can't say based on the information given. I do know that usually marriages won't survive when the involved persons are not all in but emotionally and sexually. Question to you is " are you ". And " do you want to be"". If yes, please try to fix your marriage.

[Unforseen]

Hold on a minute unforeseen????

 

That gift that you speak of goes both ways. If you are in a situation where you are not giving a good as you get, brother that is a problem.

 

If I ever had a woman that made me think she was doing me a favor by having sex with me, she would be gone in a heartbeat.

 

I can get sex anytime I want it from a variety of women, just as she can. If she does not want to be with me because she is into me and enjoys me she can take a hike and I will move on to the next one.

 

Man, that is just some type of wrong headed think IMHO.

 

I could never live like that...

 

I get what you're saying. I could probably get sex from other women but who I want it from is my wife. Generally speaking my goal is to completely melt her mind with pleasure. And generally speaking her goal is the same. But in those times when I am really in the mood and she isn't she will typically have sex with me anyway because she wants me to be happy and enjoy myself. And even if she's not in the mood she likes how happy she can make me with a few minutes of her time. She does this because she loves me and knows that her pleasure is my goal and that I put in the time and effort to make that happen. It's subtle but different from pity sex or strictly as a favor.

[Gabria]

But my main problem is not just involving sex.

I want emotional and financial freedom.

I don't have a job, only some painting commissions once in a while and i am taking care of our child and doing household chores. But i don't even get any allowance from my husband. I am taking up an online course that I have to pay all by myself, whatever I wanna do.

When i still was not so good in their language, he made me sign a prenuptial contract wherein it says, we will not ask for Alimony after divorce.

[GorillaTheater]

But my main problem is not just involving sex.

I want emotional and financial freedom.

I don't have a job, only some painting commissions once in a while and i am taking care of our child and doing household chores. But i don't even get any allowance from my husband. I am taking up an online course that I have to pay all by myself, whatever I wanna do.

 

 

Is there any obstacle to you getting a job?

 

 

When i still was not so good in their language, he made me sign a prenuptial contract wherein it says, we will not ask for Alimony after divorce.

 

 

Check with a lawyer to see whether this clause is enforcible. Depending on your jurisdiction, there's a good chance it's not.

[Gabria]

I barely have time for a parttime job because we have a child and he always prioritizes his work even till evenings and weekends.

[aileD]

Tell him he needs to pay for daycare for the child....his child...so you can get a job since he doesn't want to share "his" money with you.

 

Or tell him to rip up the prenup....because it's ridiculous to make your wife be a SAHM but also require her not to have any stake in the money he makes because you are giving up your career for the child you had together.

[Gabria]

I already told him all of those and that i'm also lonely because my family is not here. H e doesn't understand me. He's always just saying that i am just complaining. That is why i really made up my mind. it's been a month that i told him that i want a divorce. And i will really not change my mind anymore. If he thinks i cannot live without him then i will prove him the opposite. I am applying for jobs now before separating from him. It's the government paying for the child's daycare not him. He doesnt even give me the rest of the child's govt support.

I am not gonna let him put me down anymore. I've given him enough time to change

[aileD]

Take the child and move back to your family

[Gabria]

I decided to live in this country where my child has more opportunities, even when i am alone. I have friends here anyway and i finally got a good-paying job as public servant, will start in August.

Oh i am so blessed. Next step now is cheap apartment search.

[Cephalopod]

sex was already quite boring for me before, i just really loved him that i put up with it but now i don't have the passion with him anymore. and he feels it. i just don't want him anymore and don't care if he cheats. he just doesn't like us to separate or divorce. he said i am jusz making up stories

 

You should have never married someone you were sexually incompatible with.

 

Tell us honestly, if you find out he has been cheating, will it hurt you? Or will you find it a relief?

 

Staying together for the kids is NEVER the right thing to do. You and your husband can learn to be effective co-parents and can even learn to be friends, without being in a lonely, miserable marriage that creates a sad, hostile environment.