I still fancy my ex...and she appears to be making herself available. Should I?

[Winfield]

Hi folks. I just wanted to post this up to see what your opinions are as to what I should do with regard to my current dating situation. I apologise in advance to the reader as it's a long post, but hopefully it's easy to follow...

 

I met a girl online about 6 months ago. After e-mailing and a few MSN sessions, we decided to meet up in real life. In total, we had 3 dates over the course of a month, and seemed to get long like a house on fire…

 

But then things started to slide. Now, I realise that when relationships are “new” people tend to get carried away and send endless messages (i.e., what they’re doing in the next 5 minutes, etc). But communication here seemed to come to an abrupt halt.

 

I admit to being insecure, and after a few days of “being kept in the dark”, I asked her outright if she wasn't interested in me anymore. What happened next made me feel really, really bad…she said that she’d been busy with work and family issues (talk about wanting the world to open up and swallow me alive). I felt terrible at practically accusing her of cheating on me.

 

We tried to patch things up between us, but it seemed as though the damage had been done. I tried to arrange a meeting where I would take her out and apologise in person, but we never managed to get that far. So, a few weeks passed, we didn't get it together again, and I decided it was best for us to break up but remain as friends. She agreed, and we went our separate ways.

 

About a fortnight later, I’m chatting to her via MSN. Our conversation led onto the topic of work, and she explained that she was going through a bit of a hard time, what with bad management, etc. Being a friend, I put my spin on things to her, and give her some advice. She appeared grateful to me for listening to her, and trying to cheer her up.

 

A couple of days after this, I got a couple of text messages from her stating her thanks again for my sympathetic ear. I said that it was no problem, and that I would offer the same advice to any other friend of mine.

 

Next, an unexpected surprise. She sent me an e-mail saying that she missed me, and that having spoken to her on the night when she was feeling down made her realise how much she missed me. I sent a reply, saying that I missed her too, but if things continued as they had done when we were seeing each other then it would have led to resentment.

 

But it was clear at this time that we still had feelings for each other. She later sent another message, asking if I’d like to get back together with her. After a bit of thought, I agreed to try again.

 

Move forward a couple of weeks, but there was still no change to before – we’re not meeting up in person, or doing fun things together – everything’s between texting and MSN. She’s still being kept busy with her work and family matters, and with me having a lot of spare time on my hands (being a student) I got impatient and decided that while I really, really liked her, I thought it would work out best between us if we were just to remain as friends and friends only. Initially, she didn’t take this very well, and to be honest I thought I’d lost her for good. But, after a week or so, she came round to the idea and began to communicate again.

 

I then decided it was time to move on and look for a new potential partner. After a couple of months of searching, I found another young woman. For all of the time I’ve been seeing my current “date”, we’ve done one thing which seemed to be lacking with my first date – COMMUNICATING. We’ve also been making the effort to meet up regularly too, i.e., going out for a meal, catching a movie, cooking for each other, hanging out...

 

…but there is just no “spark” between us. We can spend hours in each other’s company and chat away quite happily about anything, but when it comes to mutual physical attraction, I don’t think there’s anything there. Occasionally, I have made a move to hold her hand or give her a kiss…she has reciprocated, but has never made an effort to make a move herself. In addition, I also feel a bit intimidated by her as she is from quite an affluent background, and her friends seem to me to be a bit “out of my league” when confronted with them in a social setting (in her company, I'm OK - in her friend's company, I feel uncomfortable).

 

The romance factor seems to be missing, and when I think back to my first date, she had no qualms whatsoever in showing me that she liked me in a romantic way.

 

Last weekend, my ex and I were chatting again, and (with her knowing about my dating a new woman) she asked how we were getting on. I admitted to her that nothing romantic was happening between us, and that I wasn’t too happy about it. She then began to drop subtle hints that she may still be interested in me. I tried not to read too much into this, and so concluded our conversation (still on good terms).

 

This then got my mind racing! Was my ex trying to hit on me again? Did she still have feelings for me? Or was I reading too much into things, maybe “hoping” that she’s still interested? I must admit, that while things may not have worked out for us in the past, I still care about her and (admittedly) have feelings for her in a romantic sense (wrong while seeing someone else, I know, but I’m only human).

 

The following day, she sent me a message saying that she would go for me if I was “desperate”. I feel for her when she says this, because I really wish she’d think more of herself (she’s a bit self-conscious of how she looks, but in my eyes she is very attractive), but as yet I haven’t said that I would be interested in her again (while in actual fact I would).

 

As far as I know, my ex has been single since we originally broke up. She’s indicating that she still has feelings for me, even though I’m seeing someone else…but the person I’m currently seeing hasn’t shown any romantic interest at all. Heck, if I could get a mix of these two girls it would be great! One who likes to show a bit of affection (but has a busy lifestyle), while the other likes to meet regularly (but shows no romantic interest)…

 

Life certainly ain’t easy! Does anyone think that it would be best for me to break it off with the current girl I’m seeing and try again (for a third time) with my ex?

[Zaira]

Your ex has only made an effort when she knows you're seeing someone else. I don't care how busy you are with work/family committments, but if you like someone enough, you WILL make time to see them. Even if it's only for a coffee or a chat on the phone. Your ex seems to want to stick to sms and MSN - I don't see how that is a healthy relationship at all.

 

At least this other girl has made an effort to do things with you. Maybe you should communicate with her a bit more about exactly how she is feeling. Maybe she is just the old fashioned type who likes the guy to make the first move, until she is 100% comfortable with him. Do you see it going anywhere with this current girl? Is there no spark? Are you holding back with her because of feelings for your ex?

 

I really think you should make an effort with the new girl, unless you don't feel anything for her. Then you need to be straight and honest and tell her what is going on.

 

I really don't think your ex deserves another chance. However, if you are willing to give it, then you will have to expect things to turn out just like they did before, unless she is willing to put in some effort and make time for you.

[country gal]

hmm? well i too have felt that "man, if only i could melt these two together!" thing. sucks. truth is though, that without the romance and the spark, you guys are just friends. i would end your current relationship before you begin to lead her on.

 

now, as far as your ex. i think that both have some insecurity issues that need some work. you know the " you complete me" line in jerry maguire - its BS. you need two 'whole' people in order to make a solid union. also, why not just tell her how it makes you feel that you guys dont meet up, that you really like being with her and that you want to spend time with her - all that you talk about here... just go for it, the worst that can happen is that you dont get to meet up, which is where you currently are at!

[Winfield]

Thank you for your feedback, Zaira and Country Gal

 

I can understand how my ex may fancy her chances now that she knows my current dating experience isn't going to plan.

 

That was the reason why I had broken up with her in the past, with her not having any time to meet up, etc (I admit that I didn’t find those communication methods very healthy either). I'm just wondering now though that if her family situation is any different to how it had been all those months ago (she’s a family girl at heart and takes a lot to do with her folks, although since we last dated some aspects of her family life have changed). Maybe if things are now different on the "family" front it may prompt her to have a bit more of a social life? I would only get back with her if this was the case…otherwise remaining friends with her is where it's at.

 

Yes, I 100% agree that the girl I'm currently seeing is making an effort to do things (all credit to her for doing so). I wish I could say I was grateful to her, but as I’m having doubts about things, I can’t be.

 

I just can't detect a spark I can understand if she takes the more "old fashioned" approach to dating, but if only she met me half-way sometimes...and it's not as if she's any stranger to guys because she's got lots of male friends (which, as far as I'm aware, are totally platonic friendships for hanging out).

 

My ex never really entered the equation into all of this until last weekend (when we last spoke), although prior to that I was questioning whether the relationship with my current date was actually going anywhere. I suppose with my ex back on the scene it's made me think even more about things (comparing the dating experiences I’ve had with both).

 

Truth be told, I am more attracted to my ex. I never intended to be after we broke up – yes, in a way she did me wrong, but I wasn’t exactly a saint either (my wrongly accusing her). I really thought I’d get over her with time, but I suppose part of me has always had a bit of hope that we’d get it together again one day and get it “right”. I will need to talk to my ex again about things before deciding what to do next (i.e., our expectations, or why things went wrong before and how we can try to put them right).

 

As for the worst case scenario, I have thought along those lines before, in that “OK, maybe we can’t meet up, but at least we are still keeping in touch with each other” (perhaps hoping for things to happen further down the line – you never know). Both my ex and I have admitted that we miss each other. My ex also said that she too wanted to do things which couples do, but her work and family life were making it difficult. Not exactly my desired outcome of a dating experience, but then again, neither is spending lots of money each week going out with someone who I can’t really see myself having a future with.

 

Thanks again for your take on things folks - much appreciated!