I hate my family. Signed, a broke daughter.

[CluelessGirl]

Hi everyone!

I want to share my story and maybe hear your opinions!

First of all, I'm almost 23 and I still live with my parents.

I would give anything to live alone in a quiet place where they cannot stress me out.

But they are ill (my mom suffered an open heart surgery and my dad has thrombophlebitis). Doctors told them to take it easy with work so they listened. Dad takes it easy, indeed, and mom stopped working.

All my life I studied hard and graduated from a local prestigious media university.

We used to be lower middle class before too, so I wanted to give my best to afford what my parents couldn't get me when the time was right (laptop, pretty clothes, trips etc.)

However, although I don't have a decent monthly wage, now I cannot do anything but support my family, pay bills, buy them medicine, food etc. I feel like I only work for them because they got ill. And they are very demanding with me.

 

For example, when I get my salary, I give part of it to them and keep a part of myself. But each time I finish my work, mom calls me to stop by the store and get her cigarettes, get some food etc. And so, the part of money I planned to keep for myself goes away too.

If I move out, they will really be helpless though, since the part of money I give them now would go to my rent and bills.

 

The most recent episode

 

My cousin, who sometimes steals stuff from my room, who is a drop out, is like 37 and never worked a day in her life, is my mom's favorite niece, since she and her mom were very close sisters. But mom's sister died many years ago and since then, mom felt like protecting and showering her with love. Although this cousin of mine does not any feelings to anyone except for her new boyfriend.

 

Two days ago, she unexpectedly (somehow I feel like mom knew that, though) came to our house with him, in order for us to meet him (they live in another city). Oh, what a joy.

I first thought they would leave in the evening, but I've heard that they are going to spend their Easter in our small, poor house.

 

A day before they arrived, I gavee mom money for Easter shopping and I was left with about 60$ as pocket money.

The day day arrived, mom was so happy that her beloved niece came to visit her, that she told me, in front of them: "Give me those 60$, I wamt to give it to these two, I am so happy they came to visit me, awww!"

 

I was shocked. That was the only money I had. Mom never gave me money, but she takes from me to give to her precious niece.

She's generous if it's about other people's money.

 

Also, I am wearing braces (another thing my parents couldn't afford when I was a child). On Monday, I went to the dentist and my teeth hurt even now, since the doctor applied a lot of pressure. I cannot eat properly. I can only eat soft food and with my mouth half open (sorry if it's gross, but it's the only way I can eat at the moment)

I eat like this when I'm alone. But nowadays, the house is so full and I am not feeling comfortable eating with my cousin and her new boyfriend whom I barely know.

So I am always hungry. I cannot eat at my job too, because I don't have any money left (guess why).

 

Also, my amazing mom spent almost all the miney I gave her for Easter and she has not done anything at all, yet (and it's already Thursday). She only laughs and smokes and eats with dad, her niece and her niece's boyfriend, ignoring me and stuff.

 

What a lovely life!

I was looking forward to spending the Easter, since it's always been my favorite holiday, but not like this.

 

Oh, and I'm sleeping on the tiny little couch that makes you wake up numb in the morning. Because the two guests sleep in my bed.

 

I feel so lonely and alone.

I hate my family. Sometimes I bring up this money subject to mom and I tell her that I want to be independent and she says that I'm selfish and she doesn't need m money at all, because I'm a loser for not having a higher salary.

She's awful and always makes me lose confidence in myself

 

I hate my life.

I don't know what I should do.

I wanted to be a good daughter, but they can't stop taking advantage of me.

Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

 

Sorry for the long post, I felt like talking to someone (I can't tell my friends about this part of my life).

 

Also, sorry if there are typos, I wrote this on my phone.

 

Have a wonderful day!

[d0nnivain]

You are not obligated to support them. Move as soon as possible. Buy them some groceries every so often to a small cap you set but once you don't live there it will be easier for you to enforce your boundaries.

[GunslingerRoland]

They should be on some sort of disability income given their medical situation. It isn't your job to support them, especially to that degree. Stand up for yourself.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel so lonely and alone.

I hate my family. Sometimes I bring up this money subject to mom and I tell her that I want to be independent and she says that I'm selfish and she doesn't need m money at all, because I'm a loser for not having a higher salary.

She's awful and always makes me lose confidence in myself

 

I hate my life.

I don't know what I should do.

I wanted to be a good daughter, but they can't stop taking advantage of me.

Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

 

Sorry for the long post, I felt like talking to someone (I can't tell my friends about this part of my life).

 

Also, sorry if there are typos, I wrote this on my phone.

 

Have a wonderful day!

 

CluelessGirl, are you comfortable indicating what part of the world you're posting from? It's easy for a Westerner like me to say "take care of yourself first" but I understand different regions have different cultural norms. In some places, parental support is one's primary obligation.

 

Looking at this practically, if you're so discouraged and oppressed you feel it's useless to work, that risks your families primary source of income. As has been suggested, set a minimum amount for yourself (which you hold on to!), donate the rest and find peace in your efforts.

 

It's already more than many others would do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[amaysngrace]

Your parents sound toxic, especially your mom. You're under no obligation to support someone who offers so little support back.

 

I hope your mouth feels better soon.

[ChatroomHero]

I'll be honest, it is your own fault for not having a backbone. When she asks for cigarettes, you tell her no, you do not have the money. When she tells you to give your cousin $60, you tell her no, that is your money and she has no right to tell you to give it away to anyone.

 

 

When she undoubtedly asks for money for food and things for Easter, you tell her you gave her money for Easter already and she will not see one more penny. If she spent it all, that is her fault and she should apologize to the rest of the family for doing so.

 

 

You tell her if she doesn't like it, you will move out and they can support themselves. You tell her if they want to treat you like an ATM, there will be a service charge of kissing your ass and doing things properly like staying within a budget and when they run out of money, no cigarettes etc.

 

 

Look, my parents are awesome but I don't always agree with them. They have helped me in so many ways I could never repay them, but at the same time every now and again I have to stand up for myself on things they might disagree with. There is a bit of giving on my end and backing down where I normally wouldn't, but there have been a few times I have had to be forceful and tell them how it was going to be.

 

 

You can do this in a respectful manner and by that I mean you tell them you are demanding respect. You tell them you are not an ATM. You tell them you are happy to help, but are under no real obligation to do so. You tell them that you are in charge of your money and they are not in charge of it until you decide to give it to them.

 

 

You'd be surprised how fast people straighten up and show a little respect when they know they are about to derail the gravy train. It's important you never keep holding the money over them, but also that they know you are glad to help as long as they show respect for you.

[clia]

I agree with ChatroomHero that you need to grow a backbone. Your parents are taking advantage of you and you are letting them get away with it.

 

I also agree that you are under no obligation to keep helping them, particularly in this situation. Are they getting disability or welfare? Are they able to work at all? (Frankly if your mom is capable of smoking cigarettes after open heart surgery it seems like she could do some kind of a desk job at a call center or whatever.)

 

If I were you, I would make a plan on a move out date and calmly inform them you will be moving out. (Don't tell them until your plan is in place -- you've found a place to live, etc.) You are only hurting yourself by continuing to live there and the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to leave. If you still want to provide them some financial assistance after you move out, that's up to you, but you have to draw the line hard about how much you will give them and they need to find a way to come up with the rest by cutting their own expenses -- i.e., cigarettes. Those expenses need to come out of the money you give them. They need to budget it appropriately.

 

In the meantime, you should have a conversation with them and tell them you can only afford to give them $X a month to assist with the rent and utilities. And beyond that, when they ask for more money, simply state you do not have the money. Stay firm. Any expenses they have need to come out of the money you give them, not the money you retain for yourself. If they hassle you...move out and give them nothing.

 

For example, when I get my salary, I give part of it to them and keep a part of myself. But each time I finish my work, mom calls me to stop by the store and get her cigarettes, get some food etc. And so, the part of money I planned to keep for myself goes away too.

 

Next time this happens, say "Okay, I'll stop by the house before I go to the store and you can give me the money for your items." If she pushes back, stay firm. "I gave you the money for the month; I can't afford to buy these items for you."

 

If I move out, they will really be helpless though, since the part of money I give them now would go to my rent and bills.

 

Then they need to move into a cheaper place. You will not be able to keep living there forever. At some point, if they won't help themselves, it ceases to be your problem.

 

A day before they arrived, I gavee mom money for Easter shopping and I was left with about 60$ as pocket money.

The day day arrived, mom was so happy that her beloved niece came to visit her, that she told me, in front of them: "Give me those 60$, I wamt to give it to these two, I am so happy they came to visit me, awww!"

 

I was shocked. That was the only money I had. Mom never gave me money, but she takes from me to give to her precious niece.

She's generous if it's about other people's money.

 

You should've said NO. She does this because you let her do it.

 

Also, my amazing mom spent almost all the miney I gave her for Easter and she has not done anything at all, yet (and it's already Thursday). She only laughs and smokes and eats with dad, her niece and her niece's boyfriend, ignoring me and stuff.

 

Well, then I guess there is no Easter dinner. You should know better by now. Do not give her any more money.

 

Oh, and I'm sleeping on the tiny little couch that makes you wake up numb in the morning. Because the two guests sleep in my bed.

 

Again, why do you agree to this? "I'm sorry, but I'm paying rent and money in this household and I am not willing to give up my room. They can sleep on the couch or pay for a hotel." Done.

 

I feel so lonely and alone.

I hate my family. Sometimes I bring up this money subject to mom and I tell her that I want to be independent and she says that I'm selfish and she doesn't need m money at all, because I'm a loser for not having a higher salary.

She's awful and always makes me lose confidence in myself

 

That's exactly what she's trying to do! Don't let her! Stand up for yourself and GTFO of that house. She knows that if you move out she's in trouble, so it is in her best interest to berate and bully you and intimidate you into staying and giving her what she wants. Stop putting up with it. You don't have to put up with it. You can move out.

[Ronni_W]

I wanted to be a good daughter, but they can't stop taking advantage of me.

CluelessGirl,

 

I think it's a universal desire to want to be a 'good' daughter or son...I've struggled with the same thing all my life; also with a parent who cannot be pleased.

 

For me, this article - Karmic relationships with parents - was an eye-opener. We are not meant to sacrifice and surrender ourselves;

not psychologically, physically or spiritually.

 

Sending hugs and wishing you the best,

Ronni

[cocorico]

Have you spoken to them about the situation? Have you explained to them that you want to support them, but the current situation is not sustainable? That you're willing to pay them a set amount each month in lieu of the rent you'd be paying elsewhere, but beyond that, you salary is your own, and it's up to them to manage the money you pay them properly?

 

If you have the discussion and they're unwilling to change their behaviour, you need to tell them it,can't work long term. The alternative is for you to move out and live independently, and offer to help find them a tenant who could rent your room from them as a source of income for them.

[Bejangled]

Hi CluelessGirl

 

First of all, I would like to tell you this....sometimes our families, the people we love the most.....can hurt us and confuse the hell out of us. They can also trap us into feeling like it's our fault for x,y,z and that we owe them something blah blah blah. They can be the greatest manipulators we may ever experience in our entire lives. But the truth is, you can still love them, you can still get comfort from the security of their love...while at the same time drawing clear, definite boundary lines too.

 

Advice? I don't know where you are in the world, but hopefully you have access to a local financial advisor. Some charge a small fee for a first meeting, while others often do first consultations for free. There may also be an option in your bank to speak to an advisor. You may even get great free financial advice from books in your library or even simply go on the internet. Get your finances in order first, then make a clear plan for your future. Once you commit to a financial plan, it will be easier for you to keep the financial boundaries in place with your family.

 

Offer a short term series of fair (fair=fair to you too) weekly or monthly payments to them. Perhaps 3 months is enough time. This should be a fixed amount, with zero tolerance for changing this figure. No little loans. No cigarette money. Nothing. Not one cent more should be given and stick rigidly and stubbornly to that.

 

Let them know that after the 3 months is up, the plan is that they will have to fend for themselves. But, because you're not a mean, horrible daughter (joke) you could also begin the process of speaking to your local social welfare advisor on their behalf (assuming you live in a country with welfare) to clarify whether or not your parents qualify for state financial assistance. Perhaps there are additional benefits they can avail of, such as aid for bills like electricity, healthcare, dental care, telephone or other necessary utilities.

 

Perhaps they can also advise if your parents qualify for additional home care help? Or due to their age and health status, they may qualify for free meals-on-wheels etc. Try to cover as many basis as possible. Also speak to local charities and churches/places of worship (if you are faith based) you would be so surprised at the info and help you can get through the right channels.

 

After the 3 months are done, hopefully you will have saved enough money to begin renting something small and comfortable. Some people start by moving into a house-share with other 20-something people. It's probably cheaper and less lonesome to begin this way. There you can find your feet and continue with your financial plan while having a good sleep. From there you can focus more on continued education and shaping your career etc (if you wish).

 

After, you may find that your family were and are well able to fend for themselves. In the end, they are adults, it is their responsibility. But again, because you are not a mean daughter, you can set aside a regular small weekly budget to buy some groceries or basic necessities for your parents. But you should never...never...give them any more of your cash and you need to teach them to never, ever ask you for cash. Draw the line, stick to it and they will see you mean business.

 

Now, be prepared to be called a horrible and mean __________ (chose some random bad words!) by your parents at first. This will hurt like hell....but stick to your plan. In the rare case, where they may go very far and start cutting you out of their lives, then you can live with the knowledge that they are better kept at a distance.

 

I wish you luck.

[Norma321]

Now you have to live for yourself.

[preraph]

I am so sorry. She is taking you for granted, and you are a good daughter.

 

Here is exactly what I would do. Next paycheck, do not give her money. Tell her, Well, Mom, when you gave the niece money, I realized you had money to spare, and was so relieved because my bills are backed up. I guess if you need money this paycheck, you might ask the niece.

[anynomous34]

I totally get where you are coming from as this is the current situation i am involved in as well... the only problem though..i dont have steady income to help me move out since im in school...

 

Honestly.. If i had it like you... I'd move out.. and explain to them assertively how you feel. My mother does the same thing to me... as far as nit picking me and my personality .. so i get it..at the end of the day the only thing that is getting me through is finishing my education and finally being on my own.. once i graduate..

 

Her behavior is damaging... because parents will always have that soft spot for us.. we will always have this innate need to want to please them.. I deal with this all of the time... but then I stop and think this is my life... and Im an adult.. I shouldnt let them dictate my future... I dont care how much I love them..

 

but yeah... another thing.. how do you expect to truly care for them if you havent fully committed to take care of yourself for a change.. do it.. move out ... I wish I could finally do it...

 

<3 look at it this way.. they'll respect you more when you do... and will realize how much they actually needed you.. it's going to hurt at first.. my therapist always elaborated on this.. and i always cried after setting boundaries with them.. because in some weird way i felt like i was being ungrateful for wanting to be me....

 

DO it.. If you can do it.. and perhaps guide them to those government based resources.. they can find help .. especially if they're elderly..

 

You have to be able to take care of yourself for a change..

From what I've read you sound like a wonderful woman... and you have a big heart..

 

Hope it all work out for the best..

 

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