Lost

[LedHead21]

New here but have posted previously about my situation. We had yet another D-day last saturday. He admitted to never really stopping the communication with his ex while I was pregnant, that he would speak to her here and there behind my back and meeting up with her on more than one occasion. Am I off base considering this an EA? My Best friend did something really stupid and childish when I told her what was going on....she is literally the ONLY person that knows any of our history but She wrote the ex gf a nasty message on social media sparking nothing but chaos since then. The worst part is, in the end..I was painted the bad guy for my friend messaging her. He even admitted to wanting to email the ex to apologize once it was all over with. and now, my best friend and him are at odds. Sadly, I think I've apologized more than he has in the wake of all this. I don't think he is truly sorry. I think he's ashamed..but not sorry. He keeps saying "I haven't had any communication with her since December" like I'm supposed to pat him on the back.. I'm angry that I got drug into this mess and I don't know what to do at this point. I love him more than I can even imagine but I fear this is getting the best of me mentally.

 

I know I'm rambling, but any insight right now helps. I've gone completely underground with all of this now.

[BreakOnThrough]

How would you feel if he was upfront with you regarding his communication with his ex? How would you have reacted? Is the only reason you are angry is because he was not upfront with you about their communication?

[LedHead21]

I would've been fine with it. plain and simple. I have an ex that I'm coparenting with, and I don't hide it. It's the fact that he hid it and then when I had suspicions he told me I was delusional.

[viatori patuit]

I have a simple rule - I dump any woman that will not stop associating with ex's.

 

It is disrespectful to me for the person I am dating to talk with their ex without purpose. Two exceptions I could think of - One would be to solve a legal dispute. The other would be due to parenting. Other than that I make it very clear that associating with ex's is an automatic deal breaker up front.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would've been fine with it. plain and simple. I have an ex that I'm coparenting with, and I don't hide it. It's the fact that he hid it and then when I had suspicions he told me I was delusional.

 

Does he have children with his ex?

 

If he met with her "on more than one occasion", how do you know it wasn't a PA? Seems like a large risk for him to take just to compare notes with her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LedHead21]

Does he have children with his ex?

 

If he met with her "on more than one occasion", how do you know it wasn't a PA? Seems like a large risk for him to take just to compare notes with her...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

No, he does not have any kids with her. And that's my biggest problem right now Mr.L, I'm starting to believe that I'm never going to convince myself hes being truthful and that it wasn't a PA. Why take the risk?

[BluesPower]

Hold on...

 

What makes you think that he might be having an Emotional Affair with his Ex GF?

 

If he was talking to he and met up a couple of time, he is having a Physical Affair. What makes you assume they are not sleeping together?

 

I am not saying that he is. But it is kind of silly to jump to the conclusion that he is not, otherwise why talk to her?

 

I think you are being gullible her, and your not looking at what may be happening.

 

Ex's without children together have no place in a marriage, ever.

 

You probably need to do some detective work or hire a PI to be sure.

[LedHead21]

Hold on...

 

What makes you think that he might be having an Emotional Affair with his Ex GF?

 

If he was talking to he and met up a couple of time, he is having a Physical Affair. What makes you assume they are not sleeping together?

 

I am not saying that he is. But it is kind of silly to jump to the conclusion that he is not, otherwise why talk to her?

 

I think you are being gullible her, and your not looking at what may be happening.

 

Ex's without children together have no place in a marriage, ever.

 

You probably need to do some detective work or hire a PI to be sure.

 

 

I know I sound stupid right? because I feel stupid too.

 

This was all in august septemberish - December. Just basically while I was Pregnant. He swears up and down that nothing ever happened physically and that he was seeking closure from their relationship.

[somanymistakes]

otherwise why talk to her?

 

people do have conversations sometimes that aren't held horizontally...

 

Though yes, it's not safe to just assume that there wasn't any physical contact if he's being sneaky about it. Meeting an exGF during a pregnancy rings a lot of alarm bells of 'Well YOU weren't up for sex (or were less attractive) so I went elsewhere...'

 

So I would say, not so much "why talk to her" but "why be sneaky about it". It screams that he had something to hide.

[Starswillshine]

I know I sound stupid right? because I feel stupid too.

 

This was all in august septemberish - December. Just basically while I was Pregnant. He swears up and down that nothing ever happened physically and that he was seeking closure from their relationship.

 

Closure? What the hell does he need closure for? He has a baby in the way. Ugh stupid people without boundaries.

 

Trust your gut. That is all the advice I can give. Mine has been screaming at me for a long time. I told her to shut up, I didn't have proof. She was right sadly. Not to say that it is always the case, but be alert!

[LedHead21]

The biggest problem isn't that he went to see her, or he had secret conversations with her behind my back. The biggest problem is that I asked him point-blank if he was talking to her or communicating to her in anyway. Things started slowly changing in our relationship when it started happening. I could feel something was off with us every. Damn. Time.

 

One day I caught him red-handed using a secondary texting app, he told me he used it to mess with one of his friends. I knew he was lying and when I wouldn't let it go he blew up on me saying that he did in fact text her....only to tell me he was just joking and was only telling me what I wanted to hear. We had plenty fights involving this very thing and he maintained his lies so strongly that I really did start to feel delusional.

 

He cheated on me either way in my book. And I know at this point he would never fess up to sleeping with her so what's the point? because they both hurt me just as much.

[NTV]

So what are you thinking about doing now?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Led, I do not know your previous history so forgive me if I appear clueless. I wanted to know if you are married to your SO or is it a Common Law relationship? How long have you two been together? How long has your SO been broken up with his Ex and what reason has he given for the breakup. What was the reason for your break up with your Ex and how long were yo7 with him? When did the breakup happen?

 

Sorry to be asking so many questions but the reason is that unless there is background information on a case like yours it is very difficult to give you a worthwhile or meaningful opinion. Having said that, whatever you have shared till now indicates that your situation is untenable and that you cannot carry on in limbo like this. A marriage or conjugal relationship needs a strong foundation which, unfortunately, does not seem to be the case with your relationship. You have a choice of unhappily dragging your relationship on with both of you kicking and screaming till it eventually peters out, or ending it like adults right now as amicably as possible. The only stumbling block is the fact that you are pregnant and will soon have a baby. I don't know how long you two have been together but maybe a child could have waited till you were able to build upon your relationship. Since you already have a child from a previous relationship this complicates matters. I guess you have a difficult choice ahead of you. Act wisely in your own favour. Warm wishes.

[merrmeade]

I know I sound stupid right? because I feel stupid too.

 

This was all in august septemberish - December. Just basically while I was Pregnant. He swears up and down that nothing ever happened physically and that he was seeking closure from their relationship.

No no no no no! And no again! You are not stupid! I said this the other time you posted and I'll say it again. Sometimes you cannot put all of this together in concrete defensible points. But still you have this nagging feeling that something is not right.

 

I also told you last time that this aspect ofthis situation reminded me of my own in the crucial way you're asking. And this recent event even more so. I did the same thing. Even the apologizing. I had had the nagging feeling so long that I blurted out one day (remember this was a family member) that she shouldn't have to ask certain things because she was already so intimate with my husband she should already know or get the information from him, not me. In the same way, all hell broke loose. She acted completely offended. Like you, I was the bad guy. In fact, I'm still the bad guy for her.I apologize to her later, hugged her - ew, gross. But my husband did not get upset. He stayed very quiet. She continued the ruse – although to her it was some weird system of rationalizations, blame shifting, denial that made their "EA" acceptable and the PA an accident.

 

The way I got the truth out of my husband was that I made him a very nice meal made nice chit chat with him and then said I had something I wanted to talk to him about. I told him that she had told me the truth, that she was in love with him and and lots more but he had to tell me himself. I said that I'd already forgiven him and so he might as well come out with everything. And he did. Of course I hadn't even begun to absorb it, much less forgive. And I'm not really sure if that's why he confessed. But it was more like getting something off his chest though he himself still was not aware of just how wrong the relationship had been.

 

There's no theorizing about this if you haven't gone through it. It's got wrenching and you cannot put it down because you know something is off. The problem is that the other parties are in denial and creating a whole social norm that makes you look off but really that is the ultimate gaslighting. It's like group brainwashing.

 

Anyway, I believe you, Ledhead, and think you need to do something clever here. I'm not really sure what it is, but at the very least you need to talk to your husband about who should be his best friend, who should be his confidante, and you both should read the book "Not Just Friends." His confidante and best friend should not be his ex. It should be you.

[LedHead21]

I really don't know what I want at this point, but I know what I don't want.

 

I don't want a relationship that I'm always in the dark in, fighting like hell to save it when I don't know all of it's angles and truths. And I sure as hell don't want to question myself anymore, there was a week a few months back where I had two mental breakdowns at work. I was 7 months pregnant. The first being the day she popped back up on the radar, he denied and I started to become okay with the fact that maybe I was really starting to lose it and become delusional. He didn't help that theory at all. The second was two days later when I found out all my suspicions were true and he had not just lied but lashed out when I confronted.

 

I'm fearful that it won't ever stop...The lies continued into last week. She emailed him on his work email. I asked him throughout the week if he was solid and there was NC and he told me every time that there was none whatsoever.Well fast forward to Friday.. Again, I had a nagging feeling, one of which I've become used to and when I asked him he finally admitted to her emailing him on Monday asking that I leave her alone and that she wants no part of this. (Which is funny she got one email to leave him alone and she did the opposite. if she only knew what I was capable of) He responded well, but why the hell not tell me When we're trying to rebuild? A few hours after all this coming out she emailed him from another email address with a YouTube link to some Whiny country song about moving on. He immediately told me since we were already dealing with the fallout from yet again more hidden communication. I text her in a rage and threatened to screenshot everything and send it to her family that was painting her as the victim.

 

I could go on and write a novel about all of the things not sitting right with me but I'm trying to be optimistic. I love him. I really do. But this is a learned behavior, I noticed really quick when his mom got involved that she is just as capable of caressing you with one hand and smiling while stabbing you in the back with the other and that scares me because if you can't trust your direct foundation of family then who the hell can you trust?

 

I know he wants to change and make things better. He's made some drastic changes to help me feel at ease. Sadly, because I've been here before I know what it looks like when the bad outweighs the good. Right now I'm trying to focus on being a good mom to our 2 month old my two older kids. That's one of the hardest things in all of this, they need me to be okay and happy. When I'm not they can feel it..even if I don't say anything.

 

 

Sorry it's long again but thanks for listening.

Edited April 18, 2017 by LedHead21

[Mr. Lucky]

We had yet another D-day last saturday.

 

Can you explain what had happened previous to this most recent issue? Might help put things in context.

 

You have two separate problems -

 

- he knows the contact with her is wrong and devastating to you

- he continues to do it anyway

 

I might work with him on the former. The latter is a much tougher thing to accept ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

... the day she popped back up on the radar, he denied and I started to become okay with the fact that maybe I was really starting to lose it and become delusional. He didn't help that theory at all. The second was two days later when I found out all my suspicions were true and he had not just lied but lashed out when I confronted.

 

I'm fearful that it won't ever stop...The lies continued into last week. She emailed him on his work email. I asked him throughout the week if he was solid and there was NC and he told me every time that there was none whatsoever. Oh, and the family will always victimize her. What did you expect?

 

Well fast forward to Friday.. Again, I had a nagging feeling, one of which I've become used to and when I asked him he finally admitted to her emailing him on Monday asking that I leave her alone and that she wants no part of this. (Which is funny she got one email to leave him alone and she did the opposite. if she only knew what I was capable of) He responded well, but why the hell not tell me When we're trying to rebuild? A few hours after all this coming out she emailed him from another email address with a YouTube link to some Whiny country song about moving on. He immediately told me since we were already dealing with the fallout from yet again more hidden communication. I text her in a rage and threatened to screenshot everything and send it to her family that was painting her as the victim.

 

I know he wants to change and make things better. He's made some drastic changes to help me feel at ease

The part in bold is textbook gaslighting. Your reaction - "fearful that it won't ever stop" - is the normal effect of losing the ability to trust.

 

That she highlights and exaggerates YOUR actions that supposedly cross a line is a common tendency with OWs in my experience. I finally (thankfully) came to the conclusion that she would react that way every time and, therefore, just one more reason never to have anything to do with her whatsoever.

 

And I'm just wondering what are those "drastic changes" that he's making to put you at ease. Either they are unexpectedly extreme changes to qualify as "drastic" after all he's put you through already or you're very easily impressed by him. Just saying that's how it seems from the outside looking in.

 

PS The family of course makes her the victim if that's how she spins it.

Edited April 18, 2017 by merrmeade

[LedHead21]

 

And I'm just wondering what are those "drastic changes" that he's making to put you at ease. Either they are unexpectedly extreme changes to qualify as "drastic" after all he's put you through already or you're very easily impressed by him. Just saying that's how it seems from the outside.

 

 

You're right, I am very easily enticed by just the smallest positive change at this point..like a child being distracted with stickers and sweets just before the shot comes. Feeling like a fool is a daily thing that comes in waves with all of the other emotions.

[NihilistWorm]

You're right, I am very easily enticed by just the smallest positive change at this point..like a child being distracted with stickers and sweets just before the shot comes. Feeling like a fool is a daily thing that comes in waves with all of the other emotions.

 

 

 

So which is it, a small change or drastic change that's been made?