Handling transition from honeymoon phase for anxious-preoccupied style of people

[TooRational]

Hi there,

 

I'm seeking some tips on how to handle the normal transition from the honeymoon phase in a relationship and the anxiety it triggers for me.

 

With the phasing out of the honeymoon period, the constant interactions throughout the day (phone calls, texting) become more sparse and it "activates" my attachment system and creates anxiety (this limbo is from attachment theory, as I'm of the anxious-preoccupied style).

 

Some background info. I've been with this amazing woman for 3½ months now. Compared to my failed previous rebound relationship, everything so far has been perfect, a true honeymoon stage.

 

However, the past few days has seen her texting activity drop dramatically. Yesterday she initiated no texts, only responding to two of mines. The day prior, she initiated twice. The day prior, 3 times. This from texting easily >10 times a day in the past 3 months.

 

Now rationally, I know that this drop of activity is normal, especially given that she's quite busy now, preparing for a trip to Cuba with her kids and friends (she's leaving tomorrow). When we're together (like last night), I get no sign that the passion has dropped, she's as loving as ever.

 

But still, I can't quite control this anxiety. For example, today I decided not to initiate any texts and wait for her to do so. Partly to avoid appearing too needy, partly to give her space and partly, I admit, as a test. She finally did text at 2:15 pm to let me know about duck that's on sale. She ended the text with "I love you". Still, it wasn't one of those "Can't wait to see you", "I miss you", "thinking of you", etc.

 

So, how do I learn to just chill and not let my anxiety take over? Should I talk openly about it with her and admit that I'd really like a few more texts throughout the day? I've read that it's good to be upfront about your needs and that the right person will understand and make an effort, but I'm afraid to appear too needy.

 

I also have anxiety about her trip. I'm super happy for her that she'll go have a great time but I'm anxious about her kinda forgetting about me. Texting opportunities will be limited (wi-fi areas only) and given that she texts me 1-2 times a day now, I'm afraid it might very well drop to 0 over there. I'll try to keep busy on my end but I'll miss her for sure and I'd appreciate little thoughtful texts here and there.

[Silverstring]

First thing is to realize that your anxiety is a product of your thoughts, not her actions.

 

Second is to realize that other people are not responsible for your happiness. You are.

 

These are tough things to get initially and take a lot of work to adjust our mindset. As easy as it may be to understand, to actually do it in practice is difficult.

 

Third think of the worst case scenario, and realize that you will survive and be okay. Because you are responsible for your own happiness, whether she wants to be with you or wants to break up, you can still be happy. You can't control her.

 

I would let her know how you feel though and that you know you have this type of attachment style and you're working on it. People tend to like it when their partners are looking to improve themselves...

[todreaminblue]

i dont like that constant communication makes me feel trapped .....so i prefer if that part of the honey moon stage is skipped....straight into settled relationship is heaven..you get to see the person for who they really are and relaxing into how the relationship will progress......im not a jealous person im fairly easy going......i am a classic candidate in a relationship for anxiety and abandonment issues.....But...im confident in what i bring to the table in a relationship how i am in the honeymoon period doesnt change much......i can adjust...i am adaptable to change.....

 

im aware that things change after a certain period of time and familiarity between two people and i expect it......I appreciate the relationship wont stay the same...i feel its good to be honest about the fact you want more communication ......but you need also to let the relationship and communication find its groove.and that honeymoon thing...you can bring it back with romantic gestures ...surprises ....how many texts will make you happy....

 

i have a theory that the best relationships are about quality not quantity with communication and time......my ex when he was long distance with me was constantly checking up on me..he was insecure about male friends of mine..........like all day communication....when he wasnt communicating he was either busy working.....or doing something he shouldnt have been doing with someone else.....hence insecurity about me......now for me......i was faithful would have preferred the same faithfulness......with less communication....so quality honest communication would have been really cool.......and more ....real.......than quantity.......

 

 

ill always appreciate quality over quantity ...i can talk to the bricks off a wall if need be...doesnt make it special.....its just noise...but a quiet shared conversation at the end of the day in the arms of the one who loves you...cant get more special than that...its quality....you need to have things to talk about...and if you have spoken about everything all day ...what do you say ...what can you say that your lover doesnt already know....you need to have that ......quality to maintain a long term relationship .......but for sure be honest if you would like more communication...just dont expect it to eb as intense as the honeymoon period ...that is meant to fade ...and relationships settle into the union that is right for the both of you normally ...a smoother groove.....i love the smooth groove .....bringing touches of romance in ........working to keep the spark on simmer......missing them and then getting to see them at the end of the day or week or three days whatever.......coming together and having that quality time......

 

so quality over quantity with communication and time...........thats how i feel relationships really do work..its proven fact for me...and i have been abandoned i have been cheated on doesnt change what i know to be true....i am more anxious actually and trapped and suspicious when i get bombed with texts and messages....doesnt feel right ......getting ignored fro days...is not what i call quality either....its ignorance...and i dont do that....i dont expect it done to me......i want to feel i count.....for at least an answer.....thats just simple respect.........deb

 

 

 

 

 

..........

[TooRational]

Ya I've been upfront about it and told her about a month ago that I had this attachment style. I had a feeling that sooner or later I'd have some issues with that.

 

Fortunately she seems to be of the "secure" type whereas my ex was dismissive-avoidant and that's a recipe for disaster for us anxious-preoccupied.

 

I'm torn between talking openly about it and risking sounding critical and needy, or just trying to get a hold of myself and keep it quiet.

 

I think that what I'll do is that I'll mention that I would really appreciate if she found some time for a few texts here and there while she's on vacation. Telling her that it will help me cope with her absence.

 

We really have a wonderful relationship so far and I'm super hopeful for the future. I don't wanna screw it up during this transition out of the honeymoon phase.

[TooRational]

Deb, I agree with most of what you said. We don't have (and I don't expect) long conversations over text. I'd much rather talk in person and we do actually call each other most nights when we can't see each other. I'm expecting these phone calls to slowly fade too.

 

I guess I just miss all those out-of-the-blue sweet texts she used to send. Nothing long or fancy. Just a kiss emoticon for example. Just a little something that basically says "I was thinking of you". Mind you, she still sends those but they are more sparse.

 

It also takes her longer and longer to respond to my texts. It used to be instant or within the hour at most if she was busy. Now it's not rare for several hours to pass before responding and sometimes, no response at all. What's aggravating is that with iMessage, I can see whether she has read the text or not. My anxiety is worse when she read it and has not replied.

 

For example, we had great sex one morning and later that day, I sent a text stating how I really enjoyed our sex session in the morning. I would have expected at least a small acknowledgement even though I wasn't asking a question. She never replied and I kinda alluded to it later that night. She simply said "there was nothing to add" with a nice sexy smile, kinda brushing it off.

 

Anyway, I'm over analyzing as usual but I just find this transition hard. The honeymoon phase is so amazing for us with anxious attachment style. Constant validation of feelings, it's great but unsustainable I guess.

[todreaminblue]

Deb, I agree with most of what you said. We don't have (and I don't expect) long conversations over text. I'd much rather talk in person and we do actually call each other most nights when we can't see each other. I'm expecting these phone calls to slowly fade too.

 

I guess I just miss all those out-of-the-blue sweet texts she used to send. Nothing long or fancy. Just a kiss emoticon for example. Just a little something that basically says "I was thinking of you". Mind you, she still sends those but they are more sparse.

 

It also takes her longer and longer to respond to my texts. It used to be instant or within the hour at most if she was busy. Now it's not rare for several hours to pass before responding and sometimes, no response at all. What's aggravating is that with iMessage, I can see whether she has read the text or not. My anxiety is worse when she read it and has not replied.

 

For example, we had great sex one morning and later that day, I sent a text stating how I really enjoyed our sex session in the morning. I would have expected at least a small acknowledgement even though I wasn't asking a question. She never replied and I kinda alluded to it later that night. She simply said "there was nothing to add" with a nice sexy smile, kinda brushing it off.

 

Anyway, I'm over analyzing as usual but I just find this transition hard. The honeymoon phase is so amazing for us with anxious attachment style. Constant validation of feelings, it's great but unsustainable I guess.

 

hey,

 

it is in reality not sustainable.....things need to settle..for me ...its a deeper understanding and connection that occurs....after the honeymoon period is over........i do understand your needs are valid....and it wont take much for her to send a few extra texts....or at least answer yours.....even if it just is with an emoticon..especially if she is going away...i do not feel you are asking for much when it is those little sweet texts you miss...in all effect its probably part of your love language and if she loves you she will want you to feel loved and appreciated and respect your love language....its as important as hers......intimacy needs need to be met with in a relationship.....they are the fabric of your relationship if threads unravel ...issues form.....your needs are valid and are important......

 

just try and relax a bit ...be assured she cares for you and loves you.....if you feel anxious more when you have seen she has read the message and not replied...maybe dont check it...but fill your time....doing something else instead.....but do be honest with her...she cant read your mind and little things are always easier to deal with than a snowball that could have been prevented by a few texts....

 

me...lol...the honeymoon period...is only a precursor to the main course...which is having that solid stable connection where i can do my best dance...knowing the guy i am with inside and out.......that i move with him.....sensing his steps...knowing his heart...and moving together to a future...side by side....smilin....a lovely....slow dance ..where i finish his sentences when he is tired of talking....and get it right...that he would just smile and go...you do really know me dont you....you must love me...and its a yep love ya....and have him appreciate that i know him because i love him..........so smooth groovers simply groovin together..........:0)...

 

 

just be honest...thats quality also...honesty......she cant read your mind yet(it will come, us females are hardwired that way) so let her know what you really need to feel happy..... and i wish you all the best....deb

[TooRational]

Thanks Deb for your encouraging words. Honesty is indeed important and I have to be honest about my feelings. Thanks for validating that my request is reasonable.

 

Dr, not helpful, sorry but thanks anyway.

[newheart]

TooRational,

 

I am the female version of you. Lol - seriously though. In my last relationship, while we transitioned out of the honeymoon phase, it took a lot of me stepping back and checking my feelings (is this my anxiety being triggered? Am I being unreasonable? etc.) along with continuing therapy. If you don't, I think you know that the good ol' self-fulfilling prophecy can occur.

 

I journaled a lot, and it helped. Especially to go back and realize how much of the issue I had created in my own head, and apply it to other situations to calm myself.

I'd also come here to ask (truly) - am I overreacting? before I'd address things. I almost always was overreacting.

 

(Well, until the end, which is because he ended up being the biggest dismissive-avoidant I'd ever met, despite me being so sure he was secure early on)

 

I wish I had some inspiring words, but I just wanted to say how much I can relate to you, and even your example of her lack of a response to your text. It almost brings back the anxiety I was feeling all over again ... ugh. If you find a way to cope, please share!

[TooRational]

Thanks for posting newheart. We're in the same boat indeed. Speaking of asking here whether our expectations are reasonnable or not, what do you think about my situation and texting? Am I being unreasonable here?

 

I hope my story doesn't end up like yours. I hope she's secure as I think she is.

 

If I find tricks to cope I'll try to share. Reading the book Attached did help but perhaps I should read it again. In the end I think communication in a relationship is very important and I should be able to express my needs to my partner without fear. So I think I'll go that route. If she's the right partner for me she'll be receptive.

[Redhead14]

You are living with the "what ifs" . . . what if she doesn't respond, what if she doesn't really love me, what if she leaves.

 

Stop doing that to yourself! Do you drive your car everyday worrying/assuming you're going to get into an accident? No. Enjoy the ride. Cross the bridges that need to be crossed when you get to them.

[TooRational]

Redhead, perhaps you're right but that's not how I feel. I don't doubt her love. As to fearing that she might not respond, yes, this is partly what triggers anxiety but it's backed by facts. She actually sometimes doesn't respond.

 

I didn't feel anxiety earlier in the relationship, even if she took hours before responding, because she always eventually did. Not so anymore. It could be for countless reasons but the bottom line is that she communicates less than before. This triggers my attachment system, I can't help it, it's hard to control. But at least I'm controlling my reactions. I'm not creating drama, I don't text her constantly. I give her space.

[OatsAndHall]

This is why I don't like texting; it's too easy to read into everything. For all you know, you haven't even "transitioned out of the honeymoon phase". She may just be preoccupied with planning for the trip and other things.

 

As was pointed out above, living in "what-if" land will kill a relationship. I can guarantee that you will come across as needy if you approach her on this as it isn't an issue between the two of you; it's an issue within your head.

 

To be blunt, the "I love you" text would be god enough for me.

[Redhead14]

Redhead, perhaps you're right but that's not how I feel. I don't doubt her love. As to fearing that she might not respond, yes, this is partly what triggers anxiety but it's backed by facts. She actually sometimes doesn't respond.

 

I didn't feel anxiety earlier in the relationship, even if she took hours before responding, because she always eventually did. Not so anymore. It could be for countless reasons but the bottom line is that she communicates less than before. This triggers my attachment system, I can't help it, it's hard to control. But at least I'm controlling my reactions. I'm not creating drama, I don't text her constantly. I give her space.

 

I understand that that's how you feel. However, controlling that anxiety will come from a cerebral level. Positive self-talk and logic and self-reassurance. I understand triggers as well. When you are being triggered it is important to recognize the trigger and get grounded in the here and now and focus. Redirect that anxiety/negative energy into something else -- go for a walk, work on a project/hobby, call a friend, make appointments -- car repair, haircut, dentist. Do something you've been putting off. It is a matter of resolve and telling yourself that that emotional state/feeling isn't comfortable/fun.

 

But at least I'm controlling my reactions. -- That is a very good thing. Anxiety causes some people to be reactionary and so being able to do that is a sign that this situation is controllable for you.

[TooRational]

This is why I don't like texting; it's too easy to read into everything. For all you know, you haven't even "transitioned out of the honeymoon phase". She may just be preoccupied with planning for the trip and other things.

 

Yes, you have a point. I hate this aspect about texting too but there are more things I like about it than not. Yes, appart from the texting thing, nothing indicates that the honeymoon phase i over so I'll try to enjoy it while it lasts. I certainly did last night

 

As was pointed out above, living in "what-if" land will kill a relationship. I can guarantee that you will come across as needy if you approach her on this as it isn't an issue between the two of you; it's an issue within your head.

 

Fair enough. I did talk about texting yesterday night with her but I simply hinted that I'd like if she texted me once in a while during her vacation and that I'd appreciate some pics. So I made my needs known without criticizing past behavior. We'll see how it goes.

 

RedHead, thanks for the advice.

[TooRational]

Alright, quick little update. So she sent me a text (and pics) each of the past two days and we did talk last night, which was nice. Today she hasn't sent anything yet so obviously my anxiety is rising.

 

It sucks. I wish I could get rid of the feeling. Maybe she just has been super busy. But I can't wrap my head around the idea that someone would be so busy during vacation that they can't take 5 min to sent a little sweet text. Granted, the logistic are kinda complicated because she needs to be in the lobby to get wifi. But still.

 

Anyhow, hopefully she calls tonight.

[TooRational]

So, last night was a real bummer. She tried to call but the VOIP connection didn't work. We wasted time trying to make it work in vain. She did send some pics but we didn't have a conversation per say, we were just struggling with the VOIP. After 20 min, she said she'll buy another internet card tomorrow and said good night.

 

I was bummed. I had anticipated all day to talk to her at night and it fizzled. I would have liked to at least have a text convo but that didn't happen. I did let her know that I wished we are able to talk for a longer time tomorrow.

 

I can't help but feel neglected while she's out there enjoying her vacation.

 

On the plus side, she did tried to call again this morning while I was typing this. I'm almost ashamed to say it but because of that I'll spend a much better day. It shows she cares.

 

Still, I wish my emotions were not so strongly tied to her actions while she's over there. Still struggling with this anxiety.

[TooRational]

Ok, I need to vent here. I was hoping that VOIP would work tonight or at least that we could chat a bit by texting. I anticipated all night for her to reach out and when she did past 10 pm, we lost 5 min trying to get VOIP working. Then she said she was exhausted and needed to go to bed because she had a big day tomorrow (excursion).

 

Do I have the right to feel neglected here? I mean, sure I get it, there's lots to do in a vacation resort and time flies by. But still, couldn't she arrange her schedule to make sure that we can chat a bit before it gets too late? I even said last night that I was hoping that tonight we'd get a chance to chat a bit. I made my needs known.

 

Her last text was:

Really sorry my love. I need to go to bed because I need to wake up early tomorrow.

 

My answer:

I must say that I'm disapointed that we didn't get a chance to at least chat a bit. I'd appreciate if you could carve a little time for me in your schedule tomorrow. Good night darling xxxx

 

 

So, what do you guys think? Am I overreacting or am I entitled to feel neglected?

[TooRational]

Ok, so here's an update. The day after I sent her that last text, I apologized and said that if she's too tired to talk, it means that she's had a full day and I'm happy for her. I told her to fully take advantage of her vacation and that we would catch up when she came back.

 

She managed to call me with Voip, 2h after that message, not mentioning anything about it. We only talked for 10 min because she had told her daughter she wouldn't be long. She said that she has had problems connecting to the Internet too which is why she hadn't reached out often. I was a little pissed that we only got 10 min since it was our first proper discussion in like 3 days. I mean she leaves her children alone for 5h every morning during her long group bike ride, seems like she could have left her more than 10 min alone. Especially since she knows Internet is spotty and it might be our last chance to talk for a while.

 

I can't help but feel like she doesn't put in the effort to contact me and I feel neglected.

 

So that was yesterday at 4 pm and I had hoped to hear from her again either last night or today, one last time before she leaves tomorrow. I didn't. I only got a one liner email from her friend about the flight number, stating "no more Internet, bye".

 

I can't know the extent of her Internet problems nor how much effort she put into resolving them. But I just feel like she kinda gave up because it (I) wasn't worth it. I mean it wouldn't have been hard to borrow her friend's phone to send me a sweet little email. It would have meant a lot for me.

 

I'm really beginning to fear that communication (or lack of) is going to become an issue for us. One red flag early on was that she didn't write me any letter (no card) for valentine day, while I wrote her a long love letter. Word of Affirmation (aka communication) is at the very top of my 5 love languages. Not sure where it stands for her but probably much lower.

 

It's going to be hard to brush it all off and just chill. Still, I'll probably do that and hope that our level of communication improves again and if not, I'll address the issue then.

 

Meanwhile, I'm an anxious mess. I have a knot in my stomach all the time and eat much less. I hate that feeling.

 

Yes, I have needs, I admit it. Call me needy if you want but I don't get the stigma attached to it. No one calls needy a guy that wants lots of sex with his girlfriend. Physical needs are more socially accepted. But if you've got emotional needs, then you're needy. I don't get it.

[anna121]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

 

I think the issue is not so much having the need as being able to deal with crap life thows at you that occasionally makes getting those needs met more difficult.

 

She is on vacation with her kids. While it would be nice for her to be thinking about how to contact you, it's pretty normal for a person to become absorbed in the trip and put things, and people, who are at home on the back burner. So she makes the effort, stuff (bad tech) intervenes and she goes back to having her vacation. Unless she has the same sort of make-up that you do, she's probably not going to dwell on it. She's thinking, well, he can see how difficult it is to connect and I'll be home soon anyway.

 

Given that you were somewhat vague in your stated expectations, you're just hurting yourself by thinking that this means that she doesn't care about you.

 

One thing about the love languages. If Affirmation is your top need, but clearly not hers, then giving her stuff that meets your need may not work. I, for example, would not quite know what to do with a "long love letter" on Valentines. Of course, I would appreciate it, but it wouldn't necessarily make an impact. A short, beautiful message would make my heart sing, though. (BTW, churlish not to even get you a card. But is it possible she thought it too early in the rel-ship to do anything?)

 

Anyway, I realize that this is simply how you are and I'm not trying to browbeat you. Just giving you stuff to think about.

[TooRational]

Thanks Anna. Yes, this is most likely what she's thinking. As for Valentine day, we had been dating for 5 weeks at that point and we were at least two weeks past the ILY part. So probably not too early. I didn't make any fuss about the card, I didn't even mention it. Now that I reflect on it, I should probably have spoken up somehow, without sounding critical.

 

So, what do you suggest going forward? Should I bring up the fact that I felt neglected by her lack of effort to communicate while she was over there? I think it would be a good opportunity to talk about love languages and each other needs. However, I'm afraid of pushing her away with criticism and sounding too needy. On the other hand, ignoring those needs completely doesn't seem like a good approach either.

[EmilyJane]

Thanks Anna. Yes, this is most likely what she's thinking. As for Valentine day, we had been dating for 5 weeks at that point and we were at least two weeks past the ILY part. So probably not too early. I didn't make any fuss about the card, I didn't even mention it. Now that I reflect on it, I should probably have spoken up somehow, without sounding critical.

 

So, what do you suggest going forward? Should I bring up the fact that I felt neglected by her lack of effort to communicate while she was over there? I think it would be a good opportunity to talk about love languages and each other needs. However, I'm afraid of pushing her away with criticism and sounding too needy. On the other hand, ignoring those needs completely doesn't seem like a good approach either.

 

No do not.

 

She is on holiday with her kids.

 

She's bought wifi cards to sit in the lobby and try and call you.

 

She's gone above and beyond already.

 

She is awesome.

 

You my friend are being a bit of a tool. Expecting her to be focusing on you not enjoying herself. Get a grip of your anxiety and try and switch it up by focusing on how she would feel if you voiced most of the irritation and blame you have here, while on holiday.

 

Her holiday is not about you.

 

Think about what you can do to contribute to her enjoyment of it.

 

She will be grateful.

[anna121]

First, I took your question to me to relate to after she gets back. Obviously.

 

It depends on whether dealing with less attention that you would like is worth the risk of her thinking you are too much "work". That's a tough one to answer. Is it possible to change your attachment style, or at least moderate it? I probably wouldn't rely solely on asking her to change, but doing as much work as possible on myself, as well.

[anna121]

Just to explain a bit more, it seems to me that the "secure" attachment style is the optimal one...and "anxious" creates the most emotional stress for the subject...so if it is at all possible to change or train oneself not to react as strongly, that would be beneficial.

[TooRational]

EmilyJane, thanks for your blunt answer. Basically what you're suggesting is that I should simply ignore my needs and make sure to fulfill hers fully? I really want her to fully enjoy her vacation, which is why I really tried hard not to make a fuss about it while she was gone. I almost succeeded but not quite as explained above.

 

Anna, yes after she gets back, obviously.

Yes, it's a tough one, I agree. I DO absolutely want to improve myself and reduce these insecurities and move more towards a "secure" attachment style.

 

The thing is, I read that one of the best way to do that is with the support of your partner. Having an understanding partner that can give reassurance when required and tolerate the little bumps on the way to becoming more secure seems to be key from what I read. But that entails opening myself up a lot and showing a vulnerable side of me that obviously isn't super attractive.

 

At this point, I really don't know if she would be willing to help me through this or if she would find that I'm too much trouble. She seems to really love me but it's still early and I don't know yet whether she loves the feeling she gets when we're together or whether she really loves *ME*.

 

Perhaps one way to approach this is to take the 5 love languages test together and then discuss the results. I'd like to also know her top 2 love languages (I know physical touch is high up there) so that I can be effective at expressing my love to her.

[EmilyJane]

EmilyJane, thanks for your blunt answer. Basically what you're suggesting is that I should simply ignore my needs and make sure to fulfill hers fully? I really want her to fully enjoy her vacation, which is why I really tried hard not to make a fuss about it while she was gone. I almost succeeded but not quite as explained above.

 

Anna, yes after she gets back, obviously.

Yes, it's a tough one, I agree. I DO absolutely want to improve myself and reduce these insecurities and move more towards a "secure" attachment style.

 

The thing is, I read that one of the best way to do that is with the support of your partner. Having an understanding partner that can give reassurance when required and tolerate the little bumps on the way to becoming more secure seems to be key from what I read. But that entails opening myself up a lot and showing a vulnerable side of me that obviously isn't super attractive.

 

At this point, I really don't know if she would be willing to help me through this or if she would find that I'm too much trouble. She seems to really love me but it's still early and I don't know yet whether she loves the feeling she gets when we're together or whether she really loves *ME*.

 

Perhaps one way to approach this is to take the 5 love languages test together and then discuss the results. I'd like to also know her top 2 love languages (I know physical touch is high up there) so that I can be effective at expressing my love to her.

 

No I'm suggesting you ignore what your anxiety is signalling to you is a need when in fact it isn't.

 

This is not essential to your survival although anxiety of this sort sends stuff to the brain that makes it feel like it is.

 

You're being triggered. There's plenty of stuff online that you can read about how to handle that. A good principle is to calm the body to calm the mind.

 

I'm suggesting that you view this situation as an opportunity to practice your self management. I do not know what this woman is thinking or if there are sub vocal things going on thst you are picking up on but from what you've said and your general tone I think this is mostly your issue. She's on holiday and is taking the time out to contact you from the lobby, seriously I'm not sure what more you expect. You need to manage it. Not make her do it. Separation is normal in relationships, you won't always be together and able to be in contact with your partner or the next woman if this one doesn't work out so I think you might as well start learning how to handle your **** now.