Handling transition from honeymoon phase for anxious-preoccupied style of people

[anna121]

I DO absolutely want to improve myself and reduce these insecurities and move more towards a "secure" attachment style.

 

The thing is, I read that one of the best way to do that is with the support of your partner. Having an understanding partner that can give reassurance when required and tolerate the little bumps on the way to becoming more secure seems to be key from what I read. But that entails opening myself up a lot and showing a vulnerable side of me that obviously isn't super attractive.

 

Interesting. I'm surprised that the technique would require a supportive partner. Not that it wouldn't help...but then you are really dependent on their nature and it seems pretty contingent.

[avvril3000]

Ya I've been upfront about it and told her about a month ago that I had this attachment style. I had a feeling that sooner or later I'd have some issues with that.

 

Fortunately she seems to be of the "secure" type whereas my ex was dismissive-avoidant and that's a recipe for disaster for us anxious-preoccupied.

 

I'm torn between talking openly about it and risking sounding critical and needy, or just trying to get a hold of myself and keep it quiet.

 

I think that what I'll do is that I'll mention that I would really appreciate if she found some time for a few texts here and there while she's on vacation. Telling her that it will help me cope with her absence.

 

We really have a wonderful relationship so far and I'm super hopeful for the future. I don't wanna screw it up during this transition out of the honeymoon phase.

 

I really hate the word "needy". It really shouldn't exist. You should talk openly to her about your feelings and worries and anxiety. If she loves you, she will not see you as "needy" but as a human being who is allowed to have issues and problems. If she doesnt take it well, then she probably isn't a good long term partner. A true sign of longevity, is your partner listening to what upsets you and adjusting some things to make you feel more at ease. Nobody should feel anxious in a relationship.

[TooRational]

Thanks for the varied opinions, quite interesting. I also got various somewhat contradictory opinions from my friends too.

 

For now, I decided to just chill and not bring the subject up at all. We reunited last Friday and it's been absolutely wonderful ever since. Lots of sex and lots of time spent together. I can't complain. She tells me several times a day that she loves me and her actions show it too.

 

At some later point I will bring up the subject of the 5 love languages but I really don't want to come across as criticizing. I want this to be a constructive discussion.

 

There is one little thing that bothers me though, perhaps I can get your take on it. My b-day was this Saturday. She did give me a gift but no card. There was no card for Valentine's day either. I don't wanna blame her, perhaps she finds cards unnecessary and I didn't tell her that I wished for one after Valentine's day. Still, I find it odd. I often get short little love texts from her but at some point I'd like a longer-form love letter. Even just a few sentences on a card. Perhaps that's not typical for guys to want that kind of stuff?

[TooRational]

So things have been smooth sailing for the past few months but something

came up, hence this update.

 

My gf seems a bit more more distant lately. Nothing major but a bit less spontaneous kissing, saying ILY less often, a bit less cudly, less texting etc. In fact, last night, for the first time ever, she didn't call nor sent me a good night text. That's highly unusual for her and triggered anxiety for me (wondering if I did something bad, etc). I sent her a good night text when I went to bed myself and a good morning text this morning. She finally called me this morning on her way to work after she received my text. No word about last night.

 

Now I'm not sure what to do. Should I bring up the text last night and be honest that it triggered anxiety for me or should I just chill and let it go?

 

We did have our first full week vacation last week with both of our kids and it was stressful at times. I lost my temper once with one of my kid who was having a major tantrum. Nothing major (from my perspective) but she did see me at my worse. Perhaps she just needs a bit more alone time now but I can't help but fear that her feelings for me have diminished since the trip.

[Redhead14]

Alright, quick little update. So she sent me a text (and pics) each of the past two days and we did talk last night, which was nice. Today she hasn't sent anything yet so obviously my anxiety is rising.

 

It sucks. I wish I could get rid of the feeling. Maybe she just has been super busy. But I can't wrap my head around the idea that someone would be so busy during vacation that they can't take 5 min to sent a little sweet text. Granted, the logistic are kinda complicated because she needs to be in the lobby to get wifi. But still.

 

Anyhow, hopefully she calls tonight.

 

I hope she doesn't. You need to learn to tolerate that anxiety and push through and find ways to manage it and that can't happen if you're relying on HER in order to manage your anxieties.

 

Beyond that, there isn't anything wrong with telling her what it is you'd like/need from her as long as you do it in a respectful, non-critical way.

 

But, for now, while she is away, just sit with this and chill. If you don't hear from her tonight, you can call her if you want to.

[TooRational]

Thanks Redhead14, but the vacation has been over for a few months already

 

I was debating whether to post a new thread but I chose to update this one instead since the title is still relevant. It's kinda the same story, having bouts of anxiety when I feel that my gf is pulling away.

 

Still no text from her today, even after I sent her one earlier this afternoon. Either she's super busy or she's indeed pulling away slowly. I'll spend some time with her tonight so I should be able to get clarification on her feelings. I really hope that I'm simply over-analyzing and that there's nothing to it.

[anna121]

All of this is highly subjective so it's hard to know: "a bit less cuddly" etc. Personally, I'd say something like "is everything all right? you seem preoccupied" and then - this is important! - accept the answer. If her habits of interacting with you change over time to something you are not happy with, say, over a couple of months?, then I would bring it up directly.

 

For now, if the frequency of your time together hasn't really changed, I'd mostly just watch and wait.

 

The other thing you might try is discussing the trip you just took. What was her perspective on it? What worked and what didn't? Lessons for next time? That would serve two purposes: giving you necessary info AND, if the trip DID cause an issue, providing an opportunity for her to express any surprise or frustration.

[TooRational]

Time for a little update. It still didn't bring this issue up with her because I wanted to see if it was just a phase or not. It has been up and down for the past two weeks but perhaps it's just my super sensitive radar acting up.

 

We have been spending a lot of time together and maybe she just needs a little space, which I'm fully willing to give her. For example, tonight I invited friends over but she prefers to chill at her own place because she's been out for diner the past two days and has something planned again tomorrow. Fair enough. That alone is not a sign that love is dwindling but I can't help but notice that she hasn't said ILY in the past few days. I did say it to her a few times and she didn't respond back. Only a smile. Granted, it's typical for her not to respond right away and then a few minutes later hug me and say ILY back. But nothing lately.

 

The sweet talking has also been decreasing a lot to the point that I don't remember the last time. You know, things like "I can't wait to see you tonight", "I feel so good with you", etc...

 

This is so puzzling because not more than two months ago, when we were still in the honeymoon phase, she kept telling me how lucky she was to have found me, how she has no doubts about this relationship, how good she feels when we're together, etc, etc.

 

The sex is still great a frequent, which is a good sign I guess. We are also having great activities together still, but somehow it seems to be slowly changing from lovers to friends. I really hope I'm wrong because I love her with all my heart. She's an amazing woman. Gorgeous, generous, athletic, great values, etc.

 

Anyway, next time I say ILY and she doesn't say it back I'll have to bring it up with her, in the most respectful way possible.

[TooRational]

She called me this morning after I texted her a good day. Just a friendly chit chat, no sweet words and definitely no ILY. I have the same feeling that when my previous r/s started falling appart. Gosh I hate this anxious feeling. Last time there were tons of reasons as to why the relationship was failing. This time however, I'm clueless, which kinda makes it worse.

 

I don't wanna discuss this on the phone but I'll only see her on Monday night. So two more days of anxiety. I really should have discussed it with her yesterday when I said ILY but didn't hear it back...

[TooRational]

This is an old post but I figured I would update it since it's been 6 months. My radar was not broken this summer, something was definitely off. But it was more about internal struggles my girlfriend was going through. She admitted to me that she cried most of the day on the Monday I was referring to in my last post. She was thinking about her past, her separation from her children's father, the hardship it put them through, etc. She didn't go into much details but she came out of that day super loving. She kissed me passionately when I showed up to her place that Monday night.

 

It's been absolutely smooth sailing ever since. She's back to her super loving self, lots of affection gestures, lots of ILY, lots of sex, etc. It's been going on for months and we'll celebrate one year together in January. There was only a small hiccup that you can read about here but she's really not into drama so we got over that pretty quickly.

 

I keep pinching myself to make sure that I'm not dreaming. She's really my dream woman. She actually confessed to me a few nights ago that she finally understands why some people marry... She didn't marry her ex (kinda common here) and would never have because she was not enough in love with him. She made it clear that she wouldn't be ready now even if I asked but left the door open for the future...