whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by queenie01 After thinking things over, maybe i shouldnt write a letter...after all what would i say... i still love you??? Its been 3 months so i probably shouldnt bring up our relationship from the past. Even if we did get back together, it would be a new relationship. My only fear is that he wont ever contact me because he would be afraid of getting rejected or thinks that i hate him? You're opening the door for a big possible hurt! I think he could write back and say things you're not prepared to read. Or he won't bother contacting you at all, so that brings on more pain. Write as many "draft" emails to him. DO NOT SEND IT. Don't even put his email addy in. Just write it, save it as a draft. Read it afew times then dump it. You will feel better just getting it out and it will help you gain closure for youself. Who cares if he thinks you hate him! Breakups DO that to people. I think he's moved on and it's out of sight out of mind...So, do the same thing...Push him out of your heart and head, that is the cure to this thing. Link to post Share on other sites
what456 Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 what do u mean? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by what456 LucreziaBorgia, why do u think he did what he did? what's ur opinion? I think he came on strong, changed his mind about wanting a relationship, and instead of being a man about it and letting her know that it wasn't working for him and why it wasn't working for him - he took evasive action and literally iced her out in the form of an abrupt and cold breakup - leaving Queenie wondering what it is she did wrong, when in fact - she probably did nothing wrong. He just didn't want to have a relationship with her and apparently lacked the ability to be honest and tell her that. Then he added insult to injury with his behavior after the fact - probably to ensure that she wouldn't want to come back to him, but left enough of a 'contact door' open so that if he wants to come back he can, while managing to avoid the possibility of her initiating any new relationship. The worst part of it is that he left that door open a crack, probably never really intending to actually use it again. It is an unfortunate and painful situation. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 I can almost guarantee that your ex will interpret any card you send in whichever way best serves his ego - and the chances are high that his interpretation will not cast you in the favourable light you might be hoping for. Why waste your capacity for love, tolerance and forgiveness on someone who doesn't want any sort of relationship with you? Save it for someone who actually cares about you...because if you expend much more of it on this guy, then you might find it running out altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by what456 what do u mean? What do you not understand, let me know and I'll try to explain my thoughts better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 Well he was definitely wrong in the way he handled the situation when he broke up with me but he is a good person. I think he has commitment issues that stem from him childhood and things his dad did. Thats just my opinion tho and it could be completely wrong. I dont know that I believe he is truly over me and I also think he was confused so he just walked away. I dont think he is extremely happy either, but what do i know. Lately he has been the one to initate communication, like he emailed me when i got back from vacation to see how my trip was and then he got on the elevator with me last tuesday and started a conversation. I guess i just had really hoped that his time away from me would make him realize and regret what he did. Link to post Share on other sites
what456 Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 everything...i just didn't understand what you meant and your justifications... Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 For the record he hasnt been completely cold and avoided me these past 3 months...he looks at me at the gym and notices everything. He even commented on my tan because he was inquiring on where i went. And when i got my things back from him that was the first question he asked...so where did you go on vacation?? Why does he care. Then i went on a 2nd vacation which he knew about because i planned it while we were together and the day i got back i got an email from him asking how Los Angeles was... Again why does he care?? Then I changed my gym schedule to avoid him and last week he got on the elevator with me and first thing he asks is" are you still working out downstairs" He notices everything.... but since our elevator conversation we havent talked at all..no email, text or anything, and that was last tuesday.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by queenie01 Well he was definitely wrong in the way he handled the situation when he broke up with me but he is a good person. I think he has commitment issues that stem from him childhood and things his dad did. Thats just my opinion tho and it could be completely wrong. I dont know that I believe he is truly over me and I also think he was confused so he just walked away. I dont think he is extremely happy either, but what do i know. Lately he has been the one to initate communication, like he emailed me when i got back from vacation to see how my trip was and then he got on the elevator with me last tuesday and started a conversation. I guess i just had really hoped that his time away from me would make him realize and regret what he did. So he has his own issues that have nothing to do with. Take comfort in that, know that it wasn't YOU, it was his past. You may never know 100% what is going on inside his head, maybe that's a good thing. He may still have feelings and is emotionally attached to you - But not enough to pickup the relationship again. Just be wary of him, I'm not saying he is going to mess with you, but you're feeding into his ego and making him feel better...What are you getting out of it? Ask yourself that and is it enough? That's the problem about backing off, you hope for one thing, hope that person gets the message...Problem is, it could have the opposite effect you're looking for...Can backfire and leave you hanging and even worse off. Do the backing off for YOU, not for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 Yes I agree that i probably have been feeding his ego all along by responding to his emails and being nice. I never should have told him anything about whats goign on in my life. One thing tho, I didnt tell him im not dating anyone and he told me he wasnt dating anybody, but that was a month ago so who knows now and im not asking... Everything he has told me he has volunteered the information. As if his life is sooo awesome now, usually when you have to go around telling people that sort of stuff, ur life probably isnt the best. He was going to buy a townhouse in aug/sept and he was so excited about his plan, he didnt want to rent anymore because it was a waste of money etc... well oddly enough he is now moving into an apt in the city with 2 guy friends... I just feel like he does have a lot of issues, he is VERY insecure and had major trust issues, he never trusted any girl before me. Also he only had one other serious relationship before me and all they did was fight, breakup and get back together...other than that he would "love them and leave them" We never even fought... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 originally posted by whichwayisup You're opening the door for a big possible hurt! I think he could write back and say things you're not prepared to read. Or he won't bother contacting you at all, so that brings on more pain. Write as many "draft" emails to him. DO NOT SEND IT. Don't even put his email addy in. Just write it, save it as a draft. Read it afew times then dump it. You will feel better just getting it out and it will help you gain closure for youself. Who cares if he thinks you hate him! Breakups DO that to people. I think he's moved on and it's out of sight out of mind...So, do the same thing...Push him out of your heart and head, that is the cure to this thing. everything...i just didn't understand what you meant and your justifications... What I'm saying is if Queenie01 writes to him and opens her heart to him, it allows her to feel alot of pain if he rejects her. Enough time has gone by, it could be best to wait and see what happens, not hurry it along. Whatever is going to happen, will happen... With closure, sometimes it's best to do this on your own. With some breakups, closure just happens, but at other times we may not be so lucky to have that closure, so doing it for yourself is healthier. Getting feelings out and down on paper helps to cope and deal with longing feelings or emotions. Posting and getting other peoples thoughts on the situation definately is a plus and helps too. Hope this helps explain myself abit better... Originally posted by queenie01 For the record he hasnt been completely cold and avoided me these past 3 months...he looks at me at the gym and notices everything. He even commented on my tan because he was inquiring on where i went. And when i got my things back from him that was the first question he asked...so where did you go on vacation?? Why does he care. Then i went on a 2nd vacation which he knew about because i planned it while we were together and the day i got back i got an email from him asking how Los Angeles was... Again why does he care?? Then I changed my gym schedule to avoid him and last week he got on the elevator with me and first thing he asks is" are you still working out downstairs" He notices everything.... but since our elevator conversation we havent talked at all..no email, text or anything, and that was last tuesday.... Well, he still cares about you, but isn't pursuing you for a relationship. He's attached to you and not ready to "move on." He is getting something out of it still and isn't completely ready to walk away. Being friends after a break up is hard and the best thing to do should be no contact. That way both of you have time to heal and rid of those feelings. Don't focus on eachother and meet other people. I mean, how will you feel if he tells you he met someone else? Then he may not be intouch as much...Result? You will feel that hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 That all makes sense…. I do agree that he is still getting something out of it and him being able to see me at the gym probably gives him the satisfaction hes looking for. I think when he doesn’t see me he starts to wonder. I just think this situation is so hard for me because we seriously broke up completely out of the blue, I didn’t see it coming at all…we had vacations planned, spoke of the future etc. And the only explanation he could give me was “somethings missing” that’s a crock of sh**! He said if its meant to be then he will realize it and hopefully we could work things out. He also said he didn’t feel as if he was giving up because if we are meant to be then we will get back together. Thru all his emails tho I have gained more knowledge, basically in a nutshell the “honeymoon period” ended and our relationship got routine and boring… hate to say it but it happens in ALL relationships and if he thinks the next one will be different he has a lot to learn. People don’t appreciate a good thing when they have it. Unfortunately they appreciate it once its gone and its too late. Right now isnt too late for him, if he would only realize the grass isnt greener on the other side. It’s a temporary happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 You know I just went to the gym at 12:05, i normally go at 11 but changed my schedule to avoid the ex...anyways he was there at 12:05 too...go figure. I cant win!! I give up. Anyways he doenst even say hi to me, but then again i dont look at him so i dont know whos at fault here. I am tempted to send him an email saying this: "We both know you don't handle situations very good but you should say hello to someone you dated for 9mths when you are standing next to them." What do you guys think? Yes or no?? Link to post Share on other sites
not_myself Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 its not worth it. It will not make anything better for you.... Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 i didn't have the patience to read this whole post. breakin up is hard to do, la la la. write the letter and tear it up. repeat until your fingers hurt so much that you'll never want to write or call him again. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by queenie01 "We both know you don't handle situations very good but you should say hello to someone you dated for 9mths when you are standing next to them." He doesn't have to do anything... Sounds like you're the one who can't handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 So i shouldnt send an email? i just hate the fact that we are in the same room right next to each other and neither of us say hi. We arent 5 yr olds! Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by queenie01 We arent 5 yr olds! exactly...so stop worrying about things 5-year-olds worry about--like whether someone says hi to you or not. he didn't say hello, he didn't want to say hello, so what's the point in trying to force the moment back in time to get a greeting? you're looking for his attention, but he is not going to give it to you, and he does not want yours. stop worrying about a person who blatantly ignores you. you are not going to get whatever it is that you want out of this, so move on. he did. no offense, but honestly, you say you fear his rejection...but he already rejected you by breaking up with you in the first place. someone that doesn't want to be had won't be had. let him go, and find someone who won't treat you this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 I never said I feared his rejection, i said he may fear my rejection. Nevermind, not even worth talking about anymore. He isnt ignoring me, i am ignoring him actually...i wont even make eye contact with the guy. Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by queenie01 I never said I feared his rejection, i said he may fear my rejection. Nevermind, not even worth talking about anymore. He isnt ignoring me, i am ignoring him actually...i wont even make eye contact with the guy. queenie, i am not sure what to say now because you keep going back and forth and i don't know what it is you want to hear. now he's not ignoring, but you're mad he didn't say hi. he broke up with you, but he fears your rejection. these things aren't making sense to me, and it's not worth getting frustrated over someone else's situation. maybe you should just write the letter. pour your feelings out, tell him everything. and then, when he rejects you again, maybe you'll finally realize it's time to let go. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 I think her emotions are clouding her judgment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 Yeah i know i keep going back and forth, thats because i am allowing him to get the best of me. Its really all my fault that i am feelign this way, because i am letting him actions get to me. I guess i am starting to sound pathetic. I am not going to send him an email. I am going to continue with no contact in hopes that i can get over him. It just really sucks that i have to see him, makes things very hard for me. Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by queenie01 Yeah i know i keep going back and forth, thats because i am allowing him to get the best of me. Its really all my fault that i am feelign this way, because i am letting him actions get to me. I guess i am starting to sound pathetic. I am not going to send him an email. I am going to continue with no contact in hopes that i can get over him. It just really sucks that i have to see him, makes things very hard for me. you don't have to see him. change gyms, or work out at home. or stay there, but pretend he's not there, unless you're really going because you enjoy being in his presence and making sure he sees you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 At this point I dont know what to do anymore, I tried to change times but he always reappears...and even so i will possibly run into him in the hallway. I cant get a new job over this... I guess i just have to suck it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Rosalind Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by what456 honestly, if he respects you he will not be annoyed. he will come to the realization for what he did was wrong. how will he be annoyed with you since you haven't been bothering him all in the first place? Hah!...in a perfect world. Queenie01...month 3 and 4 were the worst for me, after being dumped. Try to find closure in your own mind...he's history. Link to post Share on other sites
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