TheFlower Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 I met my partner when i had just turned 23 I have just turned 26. Its almost 3 years together. He is 5 years older than me. Im not really sure what to do, I just feel completely stuck. My partner is very kind and loving and tries to help where he can. But for a long time now I cant even ask anyone for advice or help, he has access to all my emails, bank account my phone literally everything. And everytime i try to get advice off a friend or ask family what to do he goes through my messages. So i now have to delete everything i send. Even this message is sent from a private email address and browser without trackers. I feel like i have no privacy and am given no alone time. Im an introvert and have always needed some alone time to recharge - read a book, go for a walk that sort of thing. However, when i ask to have some alone time he takes it as a threat and starts threatening me with malicious attacks, defamation and getting me fired from my job. I come from a low income family background so i've always worked extremely hard to get where I've wanted to be, doing multiple jobs and that sort of thing. I was 23 when I applied for a PhD and I got in, my partner somehow went behind my back and used my email address to contact one of my old supervisors and had an argument with him. Despite being an extremely good student this caused a huge problem and I ended up getting an extremely bad reference which i wasn't aware of. So I didn't get any funding to study. Instead, I decided to use my savings and ask my extended family for help with the fees. My partner went into my account and used half the money for my fees on rent without me knowing. I was devastated because I had to drop out of the course. So the issue i have is i work as an environmental scientist from home and also work in media as a fashion model with an international agency. He has started managing the media aspect of things, but that means he is at every single shoot, constantly around, i cant even stay 5 minutes after a photoshoot to chat to my work colleagues without being scolded To add to that as he has given himself access to all my emails and social media accounts, i am not allowed to talk to most of my old science friends - which he has blocked and deleted. He goes through every single message. I cant go anywhere out of the house on my own and he takes all the money i earn. So i literally cant go anywhere. Im a sociable happy positive person but for the last 3 years i have not been able to make a single friend or aquaintance, i have literally spoken to about maybe 10 people without his presence around in 3 years. And when his friends or family guests come over, im sent to my room and just sit there listening to the voices downstairs. I know his family by voice, but have not met them. Im just utterly exhausted, feel stuck, isolated and feel alone with no way out, i just want to go home. I can't afford the flight home, I'm literally being held captive. When i met my partner he was chubby but was in the middle of a weight loss journey, so i didnt think too much of it. However in the course of 3 years he has reached serious medical obesity. Along with feeling isolated, sad most of the time, and like im some kind of captor with no escape, i find myself contemplating the pointless restrictive nature of existence. I dont live a life of my own. I have never felt so unattractive and sad in my life and now i have one friend left. We havent had sex in a year and a half, and i can't stand the thought of him touching me. I dont know what to do... Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Seems pretty clearly abusive to me. Time to ditch this psycho. What do you think it would take for you to get to that point? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 GET OUT NOW. Why have you stayed for 3 years? If you are being held captive against your will, send an email to family, coworkers, crisis center, etc. etc. to call the police. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 You are definitely being isolated & taken advantage of. This level of manipulation is very scary indeed. I'd walk away from this relationship while you still can. It will only get harder & his behavior will worsen over time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SaveYourHeart Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Run sweet girl, run. Praying for you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Bejangled Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Oh girl, please run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. This is absolutely 100% textbook abuse. GET OUT NOW! Find someone you trust completely, parent, relative etc and develop a quick plan to get the hell out of there. Perhaps you have siblings or other family who could come with you while you move all your stuff out. Don't forget to transfer all your money to a new account beforehand. Dump this loser. There is something very wrong with his psychological health....and he will make you sick! Now! Today. Perhaps tomorrow! But do it as soon as possible. I wish you so much luck! You can do this! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 (edited) I couldn't even read past the third paragraph it was so painful to read. You need help to get out of this situation because for some reason, you are unable to do this on your own. The control and malice will only increase. I'm wondering why you have GIVEN him access to all your private accounts? How did he force you into doing that? I'm also wondering why you can't talk over the phone/skype, in person, whatever, and have to do all communications in text/email? Does he even work? Is he nearby 24/7? Seriously, girl, this is YOUR life. You have so much going for you, why are you letting this vampire suck your life out of you? You need to make a plan without his knowledge and plot your escape, seriously. set up new email accounts, even get another phone that he doesn't know about to get help in executing this plan.lock down your old accounts after. do not let him know anything is up until you are in a safe place. pffffft this loser:sick: Edited April 14, 2017 by SunnyWeather 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hindsight2021 Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 You're being abused sweetheart. And manipulated. This man is very controlling based off what you have said in your post. Get away from him. Go no contact. But have a plan first. Don't do it until you have a plan for somewhere to go with people who will support you. If there is nobody else to support you to go to (family/friends) then do it on your own. But get away from this guy. Move out. If he doesn't let you call the police. This is abuse. I'll say it again. This is abuse. <3 <3 <3 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 I met my partner when i had just turned 23 I have just turned 26. Its almost 3 years together. He is 5 years older than me. Im not really sure what to do, I just feel completely stuck. My partner is very kind and loving and tries to help where he can. But for a long time now I cant even ask anyone for advice or help, he has access to all my emails, bank account my phone literally everything. And everytime i try to get advice off a friend or ask family what to do he goes through my messages. So i now have to delete everything i send. Even this message is sent from a private email address and browser without trackers. I feel like i have no privacy and am given no alone time. Im an introvert and have always needed some alone time to recharge - read a book, go for a walk that sort of thing. However, when i ask to have some alone time he takes it as a threat and starts threatening me with malicious attacks, defamation and getting me fired from my job. I come from a low income family background so i've always worked extremely hard to get where I've wanted to be, doing multiple jobs and that sort of thing. I was 23 when I applied for a PhD and I got in, my partner somehow went behind my back and used my email address to contact one of my old supervisors and had an argument with him. Despite being an extremely good student this caused a huge problem and I ended up getting an extremely bad reference which i wasn't aware of. So I didn't get any funding to study. Instead, I decided to use my savings and ask my extended family for help with the fees. My partner went into my account and used half the money for my fees on rent without me knowing. I was devastated because I had to drop out of the course. So the issue i have is i work as an environmental scientist from home and also work in media as a fashion model with an international agency. He has started managing the media aspect of things, but that means he is at every single shoot, constantly around, i cant even stay 5 minutes after a photoshoot to chat to my work colleagues without being scolded To add to that as he has given himself access to all my emails and social media accounts, i am not allowed to talk to most of my old science friends - which he has blocked and deleted. He goes through every single message. I cant go anywhere out of the house on my own and he takes all the money i earn. So i literally cant go anywhere. Im a sociable happy positive person but for the last 3 years i have not been able to make a single friend or aquaintance, i have literally spoken to about maybe 10 people without his presence around in 3 years. And when his friends or family guests come over, im sent to my room and just sit there listening to the voices downstairs. I know his family by voice, but have not met them. Im just utterly exhausted, feel stuck, isolated and feel alone with no way out, i just want to go home. I can't afford the flight home, I'm literally being held captive. When i met my partner he was chubby but was in the middle of a weight loss journey, so i didnt think too much of it. However in the course of 3 years he has reached serious medical obesity. Along with feeling isolated, sad most of the time, and like im some kind of captor with no escape, i find myself contemplating the pointless restrictive nature of existence. I dont live a life of my own. I have never felt so unattractive and sad in my life and now i have one friend left. We havent had sex in a year and a half, and i can't stand the thought of him touching me. I dont know what to do... reading this more closely I can say some of this behavior is actually criminal- being held against your will and probably a sundry of other charges such as theft and maybe even pimping too. I suggest you go to the police. You ARE being held captive. Have you tried to just go out the door on your own in the last three years? Did he forcibly stop you? You need to get help, you really do. I cannot believe you would allow someone to make you sit upstairs while he has visitors. What would happen if you sauntered down the stairs and introduced yourself to your partner's family? only prisoners, sex slaves and women in some very conservative cultures live like this 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 Flower, please check back in (when it's safe for you) and keep us updated. you have a lot of support on this forum and we can help you get through this If we knew an approximate location we could also direct you to resources that will offer protection and support. ((((hugs)))) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 YES. You need to move away from this guy asap without leaving your forwarding contact details. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 You need to get away from this guy. If I were you I would contact a women's refuge and get away with just the clothes on my back. He is not only abusive but holding you against your will. You don't deserve any of this treatment - please take steps to get away and to somewhere safe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nowty V Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 This guy has some serious insecurity and possessive issues, maybe a side order of psychopathy. I would consider going to the Police if you can prove what you say and getting their assistance to get away from him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Yes, you're being badly abused. You must feel exhausted and drained. Sounds dramatic, but you need to enlist third parties to help you get away. Don't feel sorry for him, don't feel guilty, don't be embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help, don't feel like you're making a big deal out of nothing, just get out and get away from him as quickly as you can. When you do get away don't ever take calls from him or respond to any contact. Any person who takes controlling to that level has serious mental health issues and is probably capable of considerable violence. The reason he keeps you hidden from his family is probably because they know he's bat-**** crazy and he doesn't want you to interact with anyone who will confirm what you already know. Run, run, run....to the police if you have to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 I met my partner when i had just turned 23 I have just turned 26. Its almost 3 years together. He is 5 years older than me. Im not really sure what to do, I just feel completely stuck. My partner is very kind and loving and tries to help where he can. But for a long time now I cant even ask anyone for advice or help, he has access to all my emails, bank account my phone literally everything. And everytime i try to get advice off a friend or ask family what to do he goes through my messages. So i now have to delete everything i send. Even this message is sent from a private email address and browser without trackers. I feel like i have no privacy and am given no alone time. Im an introvert and have always needed some alone time to recharge - read a book, go for a walk that sort of thing. However, when i ask to have some alone time he takes it as a threat and starts threatening me with malicious attacks, defamation and getting me fired from my job. I come from a low income family background so i've always worked extremely hard to get where I've wanted to be, doing multiple jobs and that sort of thing. I was 23 when I applied for a PhD and I got in, my partner somehow went behind my back and used my email address to contact one of my old supervisors and had an argument with him. Despite being an extremely good student this caused a huge problem and I ended up getting an extremely bad reference which i wasn't aware of. So I didn't get any funding to study. Instead, I decided to use my savings and ask my extended family for help with the fees. My partner went into my account and used half the money for my fees on rent without me knowing. I was devastated because I had to drop out of the course. So the issue i have is i work as an environmental scientist from home and also work in media as a fashion model with an international agency. He has started managing the media aspect of things, but that means he is at every single shoot, constantly around, i cant even stay 5 minutes after a photoshoot to chat to my work colleagues without being scolded To add to that as he has given himself access to all my emails and social media accounts, i am not allowed to talk to most of my old science friends - which he has blocked and deleted. He goes through every single message. I cant go anywhere out of the house on my own and he takes all the money i earn. So i literally cant go anywhere. Im a sociable happy positive person but for the last 3 years i have not been able to make a single friend or aquaintance, i have literally spoken to about maybe 10 people without his presence around in 3 years. And when his friends or family guests come over, im sent to my room and just sit there listening to the voices downstairs. I know his family by voice, but have not met them. Im just utterly exhausted, feel stuck, isolated and feel alone with no way out, i just want to go home. I can't afford the flight home, I'm literally being held captive. When i met my partner he was chubby but was in the middle of a weight loss journey, so i didnt think too much of it. However in the course of 3 years he has reached serious medical obesity. Along with feeling isolated, sad most of the time, and like im some kind of captor with no escape, i find myself contemplating the pointless restrictive nature of existence. I dont live a life of my own. I have never felt so unattractive and sad in my life and now i have one friend left. We havent had sex in a year and a half, and i can't stand the thought of him touching me. I dont know what to do... Take your life back and get away from him. You'll need a lawyer to take control of your assets. You gave this guy too much control over life, and your money. He is not the right man for you stand up and tell him to get out or you'll call the police on him. You do not have to take this sort of abuse. Do you know where the money is kept? When he falls asleep go get the money and get a flight out.. You can have to planned a course of action. Don't just sit there and take all of this abuse. Your in jail with him. This is no way to live. You tolerate it and let him do all the managing and keep all the money. What do you get out of all of this NOTHING 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheFlower Posted May 16, 2017 Author Share Posted May 16, 2017 Hello everyone. I really appreciate your help. You really made me realise what a scary situation I was in. So the major issue I was facing was he would take all my money as home for me was a flight away I just couldn't get away. He's always around 24/7 After reading your posts, I was able to secretly get into contact with my mum while he was in the shower for 5 minutes. My mum secretly organised a taxi and a flight out of there and I made it back home about 2 weeks ago. However, he found out I left and booked a flight and followed me home a week later. My mum called the police and he's was arrested for coercian, stalking and a bunch of other stuff. Im just worried that he might come after me at some point, so I'm staying with some other family in the meantime. The hard part is getting my life back on track, I dont know where to start or what to do? I think I just need a break for a little while. Thank you all so so much for your help. I couldnt have done it without the courage you gave me. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 (edited) I AM SO HAPPY TO HEAR YOU MADE IT OUT SAFE! What a harrowing experience, you must be so exhausted and overwhelmed by all this. Continue to ensure your safety, and give yourself time to process all that happened, this is a lot to get over. With love and support, you will figure out the rest. Please keep us updated and reach out if you are having a hard time in your new life. PS: kudos to your mom, she sounds so resourceful. you are blessed Edited May 16, 2017 by SunnyWeather 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 I am glad Flower made it , God bless her and her mom . The question is if she has online banking why can't she withdraw any money on her bank account ? Flower do you have legally shared assets with him ? Link to post Share on other sites
knockout33 Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 I'd say yes, you are being abused. Emotionally. Try to get help. a councellour. He doesn't allow you to speak to your family, he doesn't have the right to do that. Have you tried standing up to him?? Tell him how you feel and how he can have his friends and family, talk to them whenever he wants, and that your a person with feelings who has friends and family also. Say that. Ask why it's ok for him to interact with his family and why you can't. Link to post Share on other sites
anduina Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 Hello everyone. I really appreciate your help. You really made me realise what a scary situation I was in. So the major issue I was facing was he would take all my money as home for me was a flight away I just couldn't get away. He's always around 24/7 After reading your posts, I was able to secretly get into contact with my mum while he was in the shower for 5 minutes. My mum secretly organised a taxi and a flight out of there and I made it back home about 2 weeks ago. However, he found out I left and booked a flight and followed me home a week later. My mum called the police and he's was arrested for coercian, stalking and a bunch of other stuff. Im just worried that he might come after me at some point, so I'm staying with some other family in the meantime. The hard part is getting my life back on track, I dont know where to start or what to do? I think I just need a break for a little while. Thank you all so so much for your help. I couldnt have done it without the courage you gave me.What a frightening experience. The definition of courage is be afraid but still take the necessary actions. Leaving him fit that definition! Make sure you change your banking information including passwords and authorizations. I might go as far as changing banks. Link to post Share on other sites
knockout33 Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 Hi, I'm glad you got out of that relationship and in a safe way. Just be careful with who else you might meet, it's hard to find good guys and don't be too trusting. Good luck, Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 Hi, I'm glad you got out of that relationship and in a safe way. Just be careful with who else you might meet, it's hard to find good guys and don't be too trusting. Good luck, Agreed. It is no coincidence that abusers end up with victims. They deliberately search them out and often a vulnerable, previously abused woman makes a great next victim for an abuser. Link to post Share on other sites
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