The mattress..

[Felltoohard]

I hope I chose the right category ?

My bf and I are about to move into an apartment together. Before this he used to live in a furnished house, but now he wants to bring his old bed to our apartment. He spent a lot of money on it and says it's so comfortable.

 

In the meantime; I have an issue I can't overcome. He slept with a bunch of other women on there. We started off as friends and I remember one night him talking about how this mattress is amazing and every girl loved it.

 

I can't overcome this. He said he'd get rid of it 3 days ago but then rectified with 'I will get rid of it in the future".

 

I can't sleep on it. And neither have sex in that bed. It's too much for my anxieties, Id keep picturing him having sex with other people.

This probably isn't normal but what would you all do?

Help me out. I feel like I cannot ask him to get rid of it yet I can't sleep on it. We talked and he doesn't get why it makes me feel this bad. ???

[Felltoohard]

A bed isn't like a $20 purchase.... maybe he's working on saving money to get a new bed?

 

If he's serious about you, you'll see a new bed soon. If you refuse to sleep on the bed, you'll probably see a new bed even sooner ... or be sore from sleeping on the couch.

 

And i get that. But he knows how my anxieties take the kead sometimes. This is something that I tried to convince myself to get over but it keeps hunting me. He said he'll sell this 3k mattresd and get a cheaper one. Which makes me feel better and like s**t at the same time

[Felltoohard]

A bed isn't like a $20 purchase.... maybe he's working on saving money to get a new bed?

 

If he's serious about you, you'll see a new bed soon. If you refuse to sleep on the bed, you'll probably see a new bed even sooner ... or be sore from sleeping on the couch.

 

And i get that. But he knows how my anxieties take the lead sometimes. This is something that I tried to convince myself to get over but it keeps hunting me. He said he'll sell this 3k mattress and get a cheaper one. Which makes me feel better and like s**t at the same time

[basil67]

You could buy a new mattress yourself. Put the other in the spare room, or you could pay for it to be in storage.

[RecentChange]

Good mattresses can cost $3,000 or more.

 

Can you pitch in on a new mattress? It's a pretty significant cost, and no offense, but you are the one with an issue.

 

Where did you live before, did you have a mattresses?

 

Would a topper make a difference to you?

[basil67]

And i get that. But he knows how my anxieties take the kead sometimes. This is something that I tried to convince myself to get over but it keeps hunting me. He said he'll sell this 3k mattresd and get a cheaper one. Which makes me feel better and like s**t at the same time

 

A used mattress is worthless. He'd be lucky to get $100 for it.

[Mr. Lucky]

We started off as friends and I remember one night him talking about how this mattress is amazing and every girl loved it.

 

Have you already slept - and had sex - on said mattress?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SevenCity]

I'm always amazed how women tie insecurities to inanimate objects.

 

Here's another way to look at it. Guess which penis he used to sleep with all these women? Yep, same one he's using with you

 

I would not ask him to get a new one (bed or penis). Don't dwell on the past as it will ruin your present.

[aileD]

Have you already slept - and had sex - on said mattress?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think she said his old place came furnished so I'm thinking no.

 

OP. Are you sure you can't get over it? Maybe buy some new sheets and stuff for it. Make it your own. Mindset is everything. He may have slept with other girls on that mattress but you're the one he's moving in with, youre the one he's sharing his life with.

 

at any rate, it seems like he's agreed to buy another so try to keep a positive attitude

 

Good luck !

[grays]

I think rather than spending on a mattress, the money should be spent on therapy. Getting this stressed over the fact that he had sex before he met you seems crazy to me. And getting so fixated on the mattress? You know he was the guy on the mattress having the sex and he will be there on the new mattress?

 

Were you a virgin? If not, can you think of how you feel about hour exes and realized that his exes are not the threat youre making them out to be?

[darkmoon]

what ages are you?

[Poutrew]

I'm always amazed how women tie insecurities to inanimate objects.

 

Here's another way to look at it. Guess which penis he used to sleep with all these women? Yep, same one he's using with you

I would not ask him to get a new one (bed or penis). Don't dwell on the past as it will ruin your present.

 

A sea slugs penis falls off after copulation and the animal grows a fresh, new one. Maybe the sea slug knows something we humans don't...

[viatori patuit]

When I suffered from something similar (retroactive jealousy) I had to deal with the root issue. Every time I would worry about and solve something, something new would come up.

 

The way I dealt with this was to consciously tell myself that the trigger was nothing and that my issue was ocd in this case. By dealing with the root cause of the issue I stopped worrying about the symptoms.

[Bufo]

Did they autograph it for him? Before dropping big bucks on a mattress try a brand new mattress cover and sheets and comforter. That's what my wife did. She couldn't wait to get rid of her premarital water bed but knew mine also had a "history" so she wanted mine changed. It worked. Fortunately, I didn't collect autographs on my mattress.

[BaileyB]

I agree. Your money is better spent on therapy than a mattress.

 

Look, the reality is that early in a relationship, you don't know where things are going. If every person had to buy a new bed or a new mattress when they start to date someone new, it would quickly become way too expensive to date!

 

My boyfriend still lives in the house that he shared with his ex wife and to be honest, I don't know if he still sleeps in their bed... I haven't really thought about it. Would I ever ask him to buy a new house or a new bed? Of course not. It's just not a very reasonable thing to do.

 

Not to totally dismiss your anxiety, but that's all it is... thoughts. You can challenge your anxiety by changing your thinking. For example, I don't think of it often but if I do, I try to remember that my boyfriend's relationship with his ex wife is over, he clearly has no feelings for her, and they lived together in that home for a very short time. It's not a big deal.

 

Hopefully, you can come to terms with it, because I don't know that it's reasonable to ask him to buy a new mattress. If anything, I like the idea of new sheets and new bedding that you chose together. Best wishes.

Edited April 15, 2017 by BaileyB

[Arieswoman]

A sea slugs penis falls off after copulation and the animal grows a fresh, new one. Maybe the sea slug knows something we humans don't...

 

 

 

 

(Ten characters)

[basil67]

Did they autograph it for him? Before dropping big bucks on a mattress try a brand new mattress cover and sheets and comforter. That's what my wife did. She couldn't wait to get rid of her premarital water bed but knew mine also had a "history" so she wanted mine changed. It worked. Fortunately, I didn't collect autographs on my mattress.

 

Good point with the autographs. Sometimes they are hard to avoid though. If there are numerous sex stains on the mattress, I will change my response.

[Arieswoman]

Felltoohard,

 

I don't think it's the mattress that's the problem here it's your bf's insensitivity/lack of empathy.

 

I remember one night him talking about how this mattress is amazing and every girl loved it.

 

^^^ this sounds like some teenager bragging, not what a mature guy would say.

 

I can remember when I was dating my now exH I ignored one red flag waving in my face the firdt time I went back to his place. In the bedroom in plain sight were some female contraceptive pills. I asked who they belonged to and he said "X". (He had stopped seeing "X" several months before) I asked why they were still there and he said he didn't know if she might want them back, so he hadn't got rid of them.

 

I ignored this and told myself not to be "too sensitive". But guess what, his lack of empathy showed up later in other ways.

 

If your bf is serious about the relationship with you he should dump this mattress, but you should offer to pay half the cost for a new one.

 

Are mattresses really that expensive in USA? 2 years ago my husband and I bought a new bed base & mattress in a sale. They were king-size and cost £600. The headboard was extra and cost £200. It's all good quality stuff, the mattress is really firm and comfy.

[NTV]

I can't imagine spending 3k on mattress. That seems like a complete waste of money to me.

[d0nnivain]

Since you are moving in together, you come up with the money for a new mattress. If you are unable or unwilling to do this, perhaps postpone living together.

 

 

Since this is your issue, you fix it.

 

 

If you really can't afford it, would a new mattress cover ease your concerns?

[dichotomy]

Same thing - in reverse. I kind of pushed my wife (to be) to take her mattress and the frame to the dump with me. Wife (to be) was a slightly miffed (not terribly but a enough to mention it). It was very satisfying to me to watch the garbage truck crush it. It was not the only thing I made her get rid of - she tried to bring photos of certain ex's (bad ones) into the home that I noticed and tossed. I also talked about no "trinkets" from certain Ex's in OUR place.

 

We bought a new mattress, I shopped with her, let he help decide and paid 100% for it.

 

Stick to your guns on this, he bragged about all the action on mattress -probably has old wet spot stains on it -smells like other girls. Its not to be in YOUR place. Disrespectful for him to insist. Start of right in this new stage in your relationship - it will help you later that he understands whats the line with you. Its simple - "you can't bring that mattress into our new place".

Edited April 15, 2017 by dichotomy

[somanymistakes]

Same thing - in reverse. I kind of pushed my wife (to be) to take her mattress and the frame to the dump with me. Wife (to be) was a slightly miffed (not terribly but a enough to mention it). It was very satisfying to me to watch the garbage truck crush it. It was not the only thing I made her get rid of - she tried to bring photos of certain ex's (bad ones) into the home that I noticed and tossed. I also talked about no "trinkets" from certain Ex's in OUR place.

 

Honestly this sounds a bit creepy to me, unless their past relationship was extremely negative and you really needed to enforce the break. If anyone had this kind of territorial reaction with me (enjoying crushing my old things) I would probably be running for the hills.

 

However, I'm obviously not you or your fiancee and if she's okay with it that's what matters.

[dichotomy]

Honestly this sounds a bit creepy to me, unless their past relationship was extremely negative and you really needed to enforce the break. If anyone had this kind of territorial reaction with me (enjoying crushing my old things) I would probably be running for the hills.

 

However, I'm obviously not you or your fiancee and if she's okay with it that's what matters.

 

She was a mistress to two married men, and and a host of other casual hook ups in that bed. Lied to me most of it - hid on going emotional relationships with a few of them until after our wedding. Ya I enjoyed that crushing. It was my first line in the sand moment in a relationship as I had let other women walk on me.

 

 

OP said her BF had bragged about all the women he banged on that bed...he already crossed the line - and that might be enough to make some women run for the hills. He earned a good crushing of that mattress, wish she could burn it in front of him with her all her GF's and her perform a ceremonial cleansing dance for their new life as an exclusive couple.

Edited April 15, 2017 by dichotomy

[d0nnivain]

It's the fact that he bragged about other women's reactions to the mattress that makes it creepy for it to be in their new home together. If he has just shut up, I would be inclined to tell the OP to find a way past the inanimate object.

[somanymistakes]

Yeah that makes sense