Marriage in the future, scared

[greenbee81]

So my GF and I haven't been dating long, few months.

She s 32 and I'm 35, her being divorced for about 6 or 7 years.

 

We hit it off instantly, so I'm sure were still in the honeymoon stage.

 

She mentioned wanting to have kids and I supported the idea which she was happy about. Never did I meet a woman I would consider children with, both of us have no kids.

 

I am ready to invest my life wirh her, but some things seem off.

 

She mentioned that her last boyfriend moved to Europe and that they had a great relationship. I didn't ask why it ended, should I have or is it too late? I don't want to ask, seems insecure?

I looked at her Facebook profile and shows that he lives here actually not too far from her and not in Europe.

Is this a concern? He seems like a great guy with lots going for him, me not so much...

 

I guess I am a little insecure because she has so much potential, beautiful, great career, and is hit on by a lot of guys. Ive never been hit on, work 60 hours a week, and working on a better future but looks slow...

 

How can I be secure of myself?

[Heathen]

By being the best you can be. It doesn't matter where you are at, it matters where you are going.

 

 

Stay in shape, work hard, don't be a doormat and look sharp. If she isn't the right one, then the next one will be. Stand up straight and never doubt yourself when you are doing your best.

 

BTW, is she said he lives in Europe and he does not, you definitely should ask that question.

Edited April 14, 2017 by Heathen

[aileD]

I think it's way too soon to be thinking about marriage and kids. You're just dating a few months and don't really known your relationship past the limerence stage yet.

 

I don't think it's insecure if you asked her why they broke up and if they still see each other.

[Mr. Lucky]

She mentioned wanting to have kids and I supported the idea which she was happy about.

 

Like on the 3rd or 4 the date? You should be discussing what restaurants you like, not planning a future together. Way, way too early.

 

greenbee81, look at it this way - she felt this same way about her ex and you know how that turned out. Take it slow, get to know each other - good and bad - and follow the "four seasons" rule. Plenty of time to get serious down the road...

 

Mr. Lucky

[greenbee81]

Like on the 3rd or 4 the date? You should be discussing what restaurants you like, not planning a future together. Way, way too early.

 

greenbee81, look at it this way - she felt this same way about her ex and you know how that turned out. Take it slow, get to know each other - good and bad - and follow the "four seasons" rule. Plenty of time to get serious down the road...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well I have been slowing it down, I even told her let's take it slow and get to know each other. Which we have.

 

Today she told me she's looking at getting a place for us....

[salparadise]

She mentioned that her last boyfriend moved to Europe and that they had a great relationship. I didn't ask why it ended, should I have or is it too late? I don't want to ask, seems insecure?

I looked at her Facebook profile and shows that he lives here actually not too far from her and not in Europe.

Is this a concern?

 

If she's telling you that he moved to Europe when he actually has not, and lives near her... well, that's a problem. Why would she be obfuscating, esp. given that it's so easy for you to figure it out? Get to the bottom of this now, and don't rug-sweep. If everything is not congruent, nothing is.

[central]

She's rushing. Her biological alarm clock is about to go off. You're available and apparently a decent guy, so you'll do to father her kids. And there is the red flag about her lying about her ex.

 

Take it slow. Date for a year before considering moving in together. Live together a year before deciding to marry. Wait at least a few more months before you do (preferably set the date a year out). If all goes well, she'll still be able to have a child, although it may be more difficult to conceive. If she's more about having a child than about you, she'll soon dump you when she hears this timetable, and find someone else with less smarts. And use condoms, that you keep in your control - you don't want an "accidental" birth control failure!

 

You really MUST be sure you are compatible in all important ways before marrying. Including sexually - you don't want to be a sperm donor and then find you have a sexless (maybe affectionless) marriage while supporting her and a child, only to find you then want out but can't afford alimony and child support.

Edited April 15, 2017 by central

[BaileyB]

Well I have been slowing it down, I even told her let's take it slow and get to know each other. Which we have.

 

Today she told me she's looking at getting a place for us....

 

That's not slowing it down...

 

Proceed with caution with this woman. She is rushing and there is a lot that you don't know about her. Try the "date through all the seasons" rule of thumb - don't move in or propose to her until you have known her for at least a full year.

[oldshirt]

Let's get to the nitty gritty here.

 

She has rip-roaring case of Baby-Rabies and she is looking for a nice, sweet, supportive Beta that will feather her a nice little nest, go out into the night to get her pickles and mayonnaise when she's pregnant and bring home worms to feed the babies while she's sitting on the brood.

 

She may be acting all hot and horny now and she may seem all excited and wanting to make an awesome life together at the moment.

 

But I guarantee you will all of my being that once there are babies in the house, you will cease to exist to her and your role will be to bring home groceries and fix things that break down in the house.

 

She is looking for a provider and assistant child care giver.

 

If you are simply looking for a uterus to bear your offspring and someone to feed and take care of them, you may have found your match.

 

But if you are looking for a soul-mate and someone that looks you and desires you and will have an ongoing, passionate relationship with you - this chick likely is not it.

 

You will have hot sex until she gets pregnant, and then you will be another one of these guys on these boards that hasn't had sex in years.

[greenbee81]

All good points here. I'm just trying to figure out how to put the brakes on this relationship.

 

Another thing, she is opening a few businesses, so I don't think she's using me to provide, she makes many times over what I earn.

[oldshirt]

 

Another thing, she is opening a few businesses, so I don't think she's using me to provide, she makes many times over what I earn.

 

Being a beta provider is about more than the dollar signs at the bottom of the spread sheet.

 

It is about catering to her wants and needs while not getting your own.

 

In some ways the fact that she is a business woman makes it even worse. She may be having the Baby Rabies but wants you to be the nice little housewife and mother that wears the apron and cleans up puke and folds diapers while she is off running businesses and bringing home the bacon.

 

If that's your thang, then so be it, I'm not judging. But if that's not what you have in mind for your life to be, then you need to step back and reevaluate this whole thing a little more.

[greenbee81]

Being a beta provider is about more than the dollar signs at the bottom of the spread sheet.

 

It is about catering to her wants and needs while not getting your own.

 

In some ways the fact that she is a business woman makes it even worse. She may be having the Baby Rabies but wants you to be the nice little housewife and mother that wears the apron and cleans up puke and folds diapers while she is off running businesses and bringing home the bacon.

 

If that's your thang, then so be it, I'm not judging. But if that's not what you have in mind for your life to be, then you need to step back and reevaluate this whole thing a little more.

 

Nah she doesn't seem like that at all.

She is not the business type, but wants to have a great future.

 

She's a punk rock girl who drinks and smokes weed, loves dogs, plays 80s board games and old school Nintendo.

She's really a great girl and if all the things you members are saying , I'd be fine with that since she's seems like none of those things.

 

The only thing I was worried about is the ex.

[NTV]

Os her ex on Facebook alot? If not it could be he didn't update his location.

 

If clearly not in Europe then call her bluff.

 

Also be careful about the baby thing. Every thing you describe says biological clock is ticking fast.

[central]

Take your time, OP. At 32, she still has some good baby-making years ahead of her, so you can take the time to know each other, live together a while, and be SURE that you are a good match before having kids.

 

She may be the real deal, but even so, do NOT rush into anything.

[Whodatdog]

Id certainly nix the moving in together. You two havent spent nearly enough time together. Moving in together is difficult to "undo", should it come down to that. Whats the big hurry anyway?

[BaileyB]

Take your time, OP. At 32, she still has some good baby-making years ahead of her, so you can take the time to know each other, live together a while, and be SURE that you are a good match before having kids.

 

She may be the real deal, but even so, do NOT rush into anything.

 

She doesn't have many good baby making years ahead of her... any pregnancy after age 35 is considered to be high risk. But, I totally agree that they need to spend more time getting to know each other to be sure they are really compatable before they start making babies...

[Mr. Lucky]

Today she told me she's looking at getting a place for us....

 

I'd hope greenbee81 you're holding up your end of the contraceptive bargain and not just relying on her. You don't want any surprises...

 

Mr. Lucky

[greenbee81]

Well I'm positive she is not the type to have a surprise pregnancy, she has said we should be prepared for one so the child would have a bright future.

 

I've thought about it a Lot. She has plenty of good men as suitors if need be, ones with better character and careers.

 

I've met her sisters and they have told me they have never seen her act this way with a man before, so she might be really into me.

It's not like she mentions babies all the time, just once.

[Blanco]

With all due respect, you've known her for a few months. You don't really know her well enough to speak with absolute certainty about whether or not she would have a surprise pregnancy.

 

P.S. The thing that makes them surprise pregnancies is that they aren't planned or expected.

[Blanco]

Regarding the broader topic at hand: Lot of signs here that she's looking to fast-track this thing into the marriage/family stages.

 

I don't totally discredit the "you know when you know" notion, but I think it's rarely a bad thing to invest at least a year into someone before you're making any major life-altering decisions, whether it's cohabitation or starting a family. Because the reality is, and you touched upon this, you two are still very much in the new-car-smell phase of the relationship. As adults, it's imperative that you two temper these rushes of euphoria with a bigger (and more realistic) picture mentality.

 

I won't say off the bat that she's just trying to insert the last piece of the puzzle (you) into her life and get the ball rolling on marriage and a family. But it does stand out to me that she's mentioning some of the things she's brought up, even if it's just in passing or the occasional remark.

 

All I'm saying is that you need to not let her guide the course of this relationship too quickly. It's great that you both feel this strongly about one another, but see how that is several months down the road when you know each other better, and some of your respective flaws are no longer masked by the sensations of a new exclusive relationship.

[greenbee81]

Regarding the broader topic at hand: Lot of signs here that she's looking to fast-track this thing into the marriage/family stages.

 

I don't totally discredit the "you know when you know" notion, but I think it's rarely a bad thing to invest at least a year into someone before you're making any major life-altering decisions, whether it's cohabitation or starting a family. Because the reality is, and you touched upon this, you two are still very much in the new-car-smell phase of the relationship. As adults, it's imperative that you two temper these rushes of euphoria with a bigger (and more realistic) picture mentality.

 

I won't say off the bat that she's just trying to insert the last piece of the puzzle (you) into her life and get the ball rolling on marriage and a family. But it does stand out to me that she's mentioning some of the things she's brought up, even if it's just in passing or the occasional remark.

 

All I'm saying is that you need to not let her guide the course of this relationship too quickly. It's great that you both feel this strongly about one another, but see how that is several months down the road when you know each other better, and some of your respective flaws are no longer masked by the sensations of a new exclusive relationship.

 

Any suggestions on what I should do?

 

This is all moving too fast and I've tried slowing it down by reducing the time we spend and messaging.

 

I've told her that we should take it slow to build our relationship and she agreed but is still moving fast.

[Blanco]

I think it would be ideal to sit down with her and tell her that you're really enjoying things with her right now, but things are moving a bit too quickly. You want this relationship to develop naturally over time. Make sure you're clear that you're not trying to pull away from her; just that you would feel more comfortable taking things at a more controlled pace.

 

At this stage of the relationship, you both should know how the other feels about topics such as marriage, having children, cohabitation before marriage, etc. That's it. You don't need to be actually making plans regarding these subjects just yet.

 

Mention that you're excited about where this relationship might lead. Emphasize, if you'd like, that you definitely see this developing into something long-lasting, but you think it's too soon to even be thinking seriously about living together, let alone having children or getting married.

 

If she's as into you as you indicate she is, this won't be a deal-breaker. If she sees you more as a means to an end (marriage and children), then this will probably upset her, and you'll know you probably dodged a bullet.

[greenbee81]

I think it would be ideal to sit down with her and tell her that you're really enjoying things with her right now, but things are moving a bit too quickly. You want this relationship to develop naturally over time. Make sure you're clear that you're not trying to pull away from her; just that you would feel more comfortable taking things at a more controlled pace.

 

At this stage of the relationship, you both should know how the other feels about topics such as marriage, having children, cohabitation before marriage, etc. That's it. You don't need to be actually making plans regarding these subjects just yet.

 

Mention that you're excited about where this relationship might lead. Emphasize, if you'd like, that you definitely see this developing into something long-lasting, but you think it's too soon to even be thinking seriously about living together, let alone having children or getting married.

 

If she's as into you as you indicate she is, this won't be a deal-breaker. If she sees you more as a means to an end (marriage and children), then this will probably upset her, and you'll know you probably dodged a bullet.

 

Thank you for this advice. You've been very helpful.

[greenbee81]

So we did have the talk and pushed moving in together by 2018.

She also got birth control, an IUD implant, she said it was terribly painful, I feel bad she had to go through that, lasts a year or so.

 

Next weekend were driving up to see her parents...