How to tell if someone is just dumpster diving?

[Herbalist]

If someone who seems by most or all regards to be way out of your league, gives signs that they might be interested in you, is there any way to tell if it is more genuine vs they are just doing the dating equivalent of dumpster diving?

 

Like when someone is just going after someone they see as lesser and thus think the person will be easy/grateful and thus a low effort option for some sort of fleeting entertainment or rebound or whatever.

 

Also how to balance being realistic with not having self-esteem issues. I'm not super confident, but I'm not super self-loathing. Sometimes things can just seem pretty sketch, though, and I don't want to be self-deluded, either.

 

Recently I had a guy seem potentially interested, went out of his way to talk with me and asked me questions about myself, and so on. Happened multiple times on different days. However, I could not figure out why. He comes from a much, much wealthier area, would be considered way out of my "league" using the conventional 1-10 scale and has a very active social life, while I am a very bland introvert. He is also the very creative type and seems very laid back, while I am probably some level of autistic, myself, more rigid and reserved and over-analyzing everything half to death while probably appearing spaced out.

 

So I was generally friendly and polite but tried my best to give no signs that I was just tickled pink by him gracing me with his presence. I just tried to be normal, I guess, had normal and chill back and forth small talk all times he approached. Then even though we run into each other all the time given the situation, he never spoke to me again.

 

Part of me figures that it was because my initial gut instinct was correct, in that since I didn't seem overly-happy and eager (desperate), I was considered a poor target, after all. Part of me wonders if maybe I compensated too much and could have let myself seem a little happier, and maybe I am just telling myself that he must have been dumpster diving to make myself feel better about screwing up a potentially good time with my defensive cynicism.

 

I don't really know how to tell the difference, though, to be honest. It was just a few conversations, so it's not a huge deal, but since I have been so introverted for so much of life and am just now trying to be more social and even try dating (I am almost 30), some things feel new, uncertain and weirdly treacherous to me. So I reflect a lot and try to figure out if I was being weird or just realistic.

 

I mean he is very attractive, artistic and comes from a very wealthy area. I am frumpy and plain and live paycheck to paycheck (and my clothing reflects this, as well, unless I can find something good at the Salvation Army thrift store, like my shoes are nearly falling apart right now). I usually try to situate myself around guys who are similar to me in this regard, and even they never show much interest (even when I try to initiate conversation), so it just made me suspicious.

 

Is that a normal feeling?

[curiouslysearching]

If someone who seems by most or all regards to be way out of your league, gives signs that they might be interested in you, is there any way to tell if it is more genuine vs they are just doing the dating equivalent of dumpster diving?

 

Like when someone is just going after someone they see as lesser and thus think the person will be easy/grateful and thus a low effort option for some sort of fleeting entertainment or rebound or whatever.

 

Also how to balance being realistic with not having self-esteem issues. I'm not super confident, but I'm not super self-loathing. Sometimes things can just seem pretty sketch, though, and I don't want to be self-deluded, either.

 

Recently I had a guy seem potentially interested, went out of his way to talk with me and asked me questions about myself, and so on. Happened multiple times on different days. However, I could not figure out why. He comes from a much, much wealthier area, would be considered way out of my "league" using the conventional 1-10 scale and has a very active social life, while I am a very bland introvert. He is also the very creative type and seems very laid back, while I am probably some level of autistic, myself, more rigid and reserved and over-analyzing everything half to death while probably appearing spaced out.

 

So I was generally friendly and polite but tried my best to give no signs that I was just tickled pink by him gracing me with his presence. I just tried to be normal, I guess, had normal and chill back and forth small talk all times he approached. Then even though we run into each other all the time given the situation, he never spoke to me again.

 

Part of me figures that it was because my initial gut instinct was correct, in that since I didn't seem overly-happy and eager (desperate), I was considered a poor target, after all. Part of me wonders if maybe I compensated too much and could have let myself seem a little happier, and maybe I am just telling myself that he must have been dumpster diving to make myself feel better about screwing up a potentially good time with my defensive cynicism.

 

I don't really know how to tell the difference, though, to be honest. It was just a few conversations, so it's not a huge deal, but since I have been so introverted for so much of life and am just now trying to be more social and even try dating (I am almost 30), some things feel new, uncertain and weirdly treacherous to me. So I reflect a lot and try to figure out if I was being weird or just realistic.

 

I mean he is very attractive, artistic and comes from a very wealthy area. I am frumpy and plain and live paycheck to paycheck (and my clothing reflects this, as well, unless I can find something good at the Salvation Army thrift store, like my shoes are nearly falling apart right now). I usually try to situate myself around guys who are similar to me in this regard, and even they never show much interest (even when I try to initiate conversation), so it just made me suspicious.

 

Is that a normal feeling?

 

 

You have WORTH so please make sure you realize that....you are doing good

for yourself and do not let anything deter you

[Herbalist]

You have WORTH so please make sure you realize that....you are doing good

for yourself and do not let anything deter you

 

Thanks for the kind words. My self-esteem is not too terrible, probably could be a bit better, but my hypervigilance is pretty bad, though. So I am not sure how to discern red flags of predatory types from.. other possibilities, I guess.

 

Over the years in the rare cases when I would get approached, it was usually from really sleazy/pushy guys, and I figured it was because I give off the impression of low self-esteem.

 

I've read several articles about this sort of thing, in an effort to stop giving out those types of signals. For example I have worked on my posture.

 

One of the things, though, was to be careful not to seem to excited when receiving attention, because then people will think you are desperate. And even if you are desperate, you'd want to try to hide it so as not to scare off normal people or tempt predatory people.

 

So I tried not to seem very happy or excited that he was talking with me, and I was very suspicious of his motives since again I couldn't think of any reasons as to why he would be interested.

 

But I am just not sure how to tell when that is appropriate or not. It's kind of a defensive thing to ward off predatory types (like the dumpster diving types), but also if I use it on genuinely friendly people then I'll probably kill all of my chances.

[Lilyana76]

I've had these feelings before, when a man approaches me and I find him devastatingly handsome, and he comes up all flirty/talkative. I kind of give them a "are you blind?" look.

 

It all comes down to your self worth. You see yourself as frumpy, plain, ordinary, and not wealthy. But, you don't know what others see when they look at you. They might see, potential, a great smile, and beauty. When you see him your first thought is, "out of my league" not, wow what a handsome nice guy.

 

The very fact that you think he was "dumpster diving" when approaching you, says a lot about how you feel about yourself. You say you have "not too terrible self esteem" but that isn't true, just by the title of this thread.

 

I hope the next time someone approaches you, you smile, and be more cheerful. Try not to overthink why they are talking to you, just enjoy the moment and the fact that you are meeting a new person. You have value, and potential. You just need to teach yourself to believe it.

 

Best of luck to you.

[stillafool]

I'm sure this guy approached you for no other reason than he found you interesting and cute. Maybe he's tired of sorority type girls and likes your looks and vibe. Don't be so hard on yourself. Clothes do not make the woman.

[CptInsano]

I was a somewhat awkward teenager for many reasons, and it took some time in my early 20s to overcome the feeling that women were just "dumpster diving" when approaching me. Looking back at how many chances I missed, obvious invitations by what I know now, I still want to bang my head against the wall.

 

Some of the sexiest women I know are not particularly beautiful, and in my choices in women I have sometimes decided against beauty, because she had a certain something.

 

All I'm saying is: Give the handsome guy a chance, he may indeed be into you, or it is simply your own self-image that is playing a trick on you.