Open relationship?

[mima74]

Is anyone out there currently in or has been in an open relationship or marriage?

 

I have been in a relationship for 4 years and we have lived together for 3 1/2 years. We have 4 kids between us and I have recently come to grips that we have different views on our relationships, different goals and we will probably never be on the same page. We are great friends - have a good time laughing, have great conversations about politics, life, etc - but not great as a couple. We used to be very much in love, but have had a lot of problems through the years. Things have gotten progressively worse over the past year and after some good conversations about everything, it is just clear that we aren't on the same page.

 

I think we should end our "romantic" relationship and just be friends. He doesn't want to be alone and wants a companion and although I love him, my feelings have drastically changed because of stuff that I have learned. The main problem is that we - mainly he - doesn't want to disrupt the kids' dynamics with each other. Over the past almost 4 years living together, they are really close and have become very good friends. He is concerned about how his kids will deal with so as I with my kids.

 

I want to propose that we end our relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend and remain "roommates" so all the kids can still be together. I would like my kids to stay in their schools with their friends. Stability for the kids is my main priority. It is very important for him to be sexual, but that has dwindled for me. It's pretty much non-existent which makes him very upset. I still love him and want him to be happy; he just can't give me what I need out of a relationship. I want to offer that if we wanted to be "together" as good friends and companions, that it would be okay for him to see/have sex with other people. Men have their needs and I know that. Honestly, it's the last thing on my mind - any relationship with a man is the last thing on my mind. I have so many other things to focus on, but I want him to be happy.

 

Does anyone know someone who is in the same type of situation? How do they make it work?

 

Thanks for reading.

[somanymistakes]

I know people who have transitioned and kept the primary relationship intact even though it is no longer sexual, but transitioning from a mono situation to a poly situation is generally quite difficult even if both people were open to the idea from the beginning.

 

If he is monogamy-minded, he may find this scenario very challenging. "I don't want to have sex with you anymore but I still want you around" can feel like a hurtful rejection coupled with the feeling of being used. And many people, even with their partner's permission, feel uncomfortable about the idea of pursuing a new relationship while still technically involved in one. Not to mention that, while it's obviously not impossible especially if you move in the right circles, "I already have a girlfriend but we're not having sex" is another complication to make it harder to pick up a NEW partner.

 

If he is looking for a serious relationship and/or marriage with someone other than you, it might be easier on him to think of it as officially breaking up rather than as transitioning to a poly arrangement.

 

If he's more on board with the poly community and okay with dealing with the complications, it's a different story.

 

None of the poly people I know well have kids so I can't talk about how that part works.

[central]

I have to agree with somanymistakes. The idea of an open relationship is good, but the implementation can be very complicated.

 

If you are not married, it's slightly easier, because he can honestly say he's not married in online profiles, for example. But, would he be open to this idea at all, and comfortable with pursuing it?

 

If you can afford it, you'd be better off buying adjoining/nearby properties or a duplex, officially separating/divorcing, and remaining friends. You'd both be free to pursue romantic relationships however you want, if you want.

 

In my experience, open relationships and poly are a lot of work. We've been in a poly relationship that went well, and are currently open. But our relationship is already great, without the strain of being sexless. And finding other partners - especially for men - is really difficult when you are already in a relationship.

[Jason Van Jason]

When I was writing my book, I met several people apart of open relationships and kind of sampled their experiences.

 

You basically have a couple different ways the open experience can play out: Polyamorous, which is essentially when the people you love, are actually IN your relationship. Open, when you are emotionally attached to one partner, but sexually attached to others and the cuckold, which is not applicable..

 

I met people that were apart of all of these and the one constant between them, was communication and rules/limits. Setting defined limits is pretty much the most important factor, it seems, because when limits are defined, you then have a sense of "I can do this, without worry of reprisal".

 

As an example, in every couple I talked to, the one constant between all of them was no inviting over a partner to their actual home. Home is sacred, the place where the relationship will flourish and is not a place where people outside of that bond belong. Even in the polyamorous scenario, the partners that shared the woman, rarely saw each other and did have other partners, aside from that woman.. Essentially, I had met one man who was apart of 3 different polyamorous relationships and the woman just accepted it.

 

Takes a special breed, in my opinion. Good luck.

[oldshirt]

It's really not in his best interests to remain with you if he wants a full-service, romantic/sexual relationship with someone else.

 

Men and women are not created equally. For a woman, men would line up down the street and wait their turn in the wind and rain and cold to have a NSA hook up with a woman who is living with some man who is taking care of all the domestic and child-rearing stuff so they don't have to.

 

Women not so much.

 

Assuming he is not Ashton Kutcher or George Clooney etc, very few women are going to sign up to be his concubine to take care of his sexual urges while he plays house with you.

 

His chances of finding another woman will be better on his own as a single man.

 

Now that is not to say it can't be done. If you were go completely full-platonic and just be roommates that share the rent and split the household chores, it is certainly possible that in time he could meet someone and start dating in earnest.

 

---however once they find out you two used to be a couple, the alarm bells would start going off for them.

 

And then there is the stark reality that if he did meet someone and hit it off and then became legitimate BF and GF, he would pack his stuff and move out leaving you and your kids behind the day she asked him to.

 

It's a romantic notion and I am all for creative and out-of-the-box ideas, but having some kind of bizarre open relationship type arrangement is just simply not a long term solution.

 

Your best long term solutions are either try to find a way that you can desire him sexually and have an actual full-service relationship, or start working on a constructive exit strategy and just split up and go your own ways and let the kids remain friends and maybe help each other out with babysitting or something.

 

This is not a workable, long term solution.

Edited April 15, 2017 by oldshirt

[oldshirt]

Additionally, since you said he does still want to maintain a sexual relationship with you, it would be very hard for him seeing you getting down with other dudes while you deny him sexually even if he technically had a hall pass to hook up with other chicks.

 

There's just nothing in this arrangement that benefits him.

 

It sounds to me like you want the comforts and security of living with some guy that is financially supportive and who puts food in your kid's mouths, but you aren't sexually attracted to him and don't want to mess with his thingy yourself and would prefer other women delt with that.

 

On the surface it may seem somewhat generous and accommodating that you would let him have sex with other women. But the reality is unless some guy is super good looking and/or rich and famous, it's very hard for a man to benefit from an open marriage for the reasons discussed above.

 

It would be in his better interests to just dissolve the relationship amicably and cooperatively and be a single man.

 

It sounds to me that you want to be relieved of the romantic/sexual components of the relationship but still reap the financial and comfort benefits of the relationship.

 

Unless he is a completely spineless, nerd-boy who can't buy a date and will subject himself to anything for female companionship, that is going to be a very tough sell.

[oldshirt]

I want to propose that we end our relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend and remain "roommates" .

 

I looked back and saw this statement again.

 

I just want to make a little side note here; women are raised and conditioned and urged to not let themselves be used for sex or to be someone's booty call without getting something beneficial in return.

 

Men are raised and conditioned and urged to not be used for their money or resources or allow themselves to be "roommates" and support someone that is not romantically/sexually into them. (think 'gold digger' here)

 

What you are thinking about proposing, is something that he has been raised since birth to resist and reject and would be a fool and chump to accept.

[NTV]

Have you been developing feelings for someone else?

[curiouslysearching]

this sort of sounds like the beginning of the end.....

[Mr. Lucky]

Your best long term solutions are either try to find a way that you can desire him sexually and have an actual full-service relationship, or start working on a constructive exit strategy and just split up and go your own ways and let the kids remain friends and maybe help each other out with babysitting or something.

 

This is not a workable, long term solution.

 

All true. And mima74, what you're proposing isn't so much an open relationship as it is permission to cheat. And besides the well-documented challenges for him, I'm not sure you've thought through your end either. Are you going to watch his kids while he dates and sleeps over? You'll cover the home front while he spends money on a romantic cruise to Tahiti with a FWB? Most of this falls in the category of "be careful what you wish for...".

 

You also have 4 kids in house watching everything going on. I'd assume you want to model behavior that helps them form healthy relationships down the road. This isn't it ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mima74]

Additionally, since you said he does still want to maintain a sexual relationship with you, it would be very hard for him seeing you getting down with other dudes while you deny him sexually even if he technically had a hall pass to hook up with other chicks.

 

There's just nothing in this arrangement that benefits him.

 

It sounds to me like you want the comforts and security of living with some guy that is financially supportive and who puts food in your kid's mouths, but you aren't sexually attracted to him and don't want to mess with his thingy yourself and would prefer other women delt with that.

 

On the surface it may seem somewhat generous and accommodating that you would let him have sex with other women. But the reality is unless some guy is super good looking and/or rich and famous, it's very hard for a man to benefit from an open marriage for the reasons discussed above.

 

It would be in his better interests to just dissolve the relationship amicably and cooperatively and be a single man.

 

It sounds to me that you want to be relieved of the romantic/sexual components of the relationship but still reap the financial and comfort benefits of the relationship.

 

Unless he is a completely spineless, nerd-boy who can't buy a date and will subject himself to anything for female companionship, that is going to be a very tough sell.

 

He does not support me or my children financially in any way at all. I pay for my own living expenses here. I also take care of all my children's financial needs. He doesn't pay a red cent.

[Dark Horse]

I remember this girl I liked back in the good ole days of 2015, I remember I sht my pants after she added me to Facebook and I was so happy and elated I ran the mile in 3 minutes 15 seconds enough to quality for da olympics only to find out she was in an open relationship with another gurl. I died a little inside.

[mima74]

I looked back and saw this statement again.

 

I just want to make a little side note here; women are raised and conditioned and urged to not let themselves be used for sex or to be someone's booty call without getting something beneficial in return.

 

Men are raised and conditioned and urged to not be used for their money or resources or allow themselves to be "roommates" and support someone that is not romantically/sexually into them. (think 'gold digger' here)

 

What you are thinking about proposing, is something that he has been raised since birth to resist and reject and would be a fool and chump to accept.

 

He doesn't support me. I pay for all my needs myself. Thanks for the comment though.

[mima74]

Additionally, since you said he does still want to maintain a sexual relationship with you, it would be very hard for him seeing you getting down with other dudes while you deny him sexually even if he technically had a hall pass to hook up with other chicks.

 

There's just nothing in this arrangement that benefits him.

 

It sounds to me like you want the comforts and security of living with some guy that is financially supportive and who puts food in your kid's mouths, but you aren't sexually attracted to him and don't want to mess with his thingy yourself and would prefer other women delt with that.

 

On the surface it may seem somewhat generous and accommodating that you would let him have sex with other women. But the reality is unless some guy is super good looking and/or rich and famous, it's very hard for a man to benefit from an open marriage for the reasons discussed above.

 

It would be in his better interests to just dissolve the relationship amicably and cooperatively and be a single man.

 

It sounds to me that you want to be relieved of the romantic/sexual components of the relationship but still reap the financial and comfort benefits of the relationship.

 

Unless he is a completely spineless, nerd-boy who can't buy a date and will subject himself to anything for female companionship, that is going to be a very tough sell.

 

He doesn't support me financially. I pay for my own needs as well my kids' myself. I am looking for us to be roommates. Thanks for the comment though.

[mima74]

Have you been developing feelings for someone else?

 

No. Other men are the last thing on my mind.

[Gemma1]

This might work temporarily but eventually he will find someone else he can "have it all" with and leave you, or his resentment will grow until he leaves you (since he does want a sexual relationship with you). It's as simple as that. You're just delaying the inevitable and wasting everyone's time. And this is coming from someone in an open M. They can work, but yours won't work.

[oldshirt]

He does not support me or my children financially in any way at all. I pay for my own living expenses here. I also take care of all my children's financial needs. He doesn't pay a red cent.

 

I read back through your previous threads. From those I got the impression that you do work and you do contribute to the household expenses but that the difference in finances is an issue and that financial matters has caused some of the relationship problems.

 

As you are all living in his house that he owns individually, I wouldn't use the term that he doesn't pay a red cent.

[NTV]

No. Other men are the last thing on my mind.

 

Okay thanks.

 

So as far as approaching him with the open relationship idea, I think you've gotten good advice in that it isn't likely to go well.

 

I think you should just be more honest about being in a sexual slump.

 

If you change and your desire ramps up again but he's spending his happy fun time with another woman then how will you feel? I expect just as shortchanged as he probably feels right now.

 

I also don't know why you can't approach this to work out a solution together? It could be he's okay with the idea of an open relationship if he thinks it's his idea. I can pretty much guarantee that if you bring it up he will have the same suspicion I did.

 

Just my thoughts.

[oldshirt]

I am looking for us to be roommates.

 

I'd say you kind of are already roommates.

 

Perhaps a better term for the current arrangement is you are currently Roommates With Benefits (RWB).

 

I get the impression that you are trying to drop the 'Benifits' portion of the arrangement and are wondering if you were to allow him to get those benefits elsewhere if that would allow you to keep living under his roof indefinitely.

 

I don't believe that will be a long term solution.

 

I think once he realizes that you no longer want to have sex with him and he realizes that you and the kids in the house is hampering his ability to find someone else, he will ask you to leave.

 

And if he does manage to find someone else with you in the house, it will just be a matter of time before he simply choses to be with her rather than you and he will ask you to leave at that time.

 

I just simply do not see this as a workable long term solution.

 

I think your best option is the one you discussed in your other threads where you finish your education, secure a good career that will fully support you and move on with your own life.

[Atavus]

My wife and I have been together over 10 years. Great marriage. We've explored swinging, polyamory, and having an open marriage. Each had its good points and bad, but we always ended up getting bored with other people and closing our relationship, again.

 

We learned alot, and grew stronger because of it all, but then we are also both older and this is a second marriage for both of us. We both have very similar feelings about jealousy, monogamy, etc. so it was easy for us to explore without too much drama.

 

I feel like too many couples try those things as a way to fix something that's broken, and that usually doesn't go well. It's like cutting out an infection with a poorly sterilized scalpel and then wondering why a new infection has started.

 

Be careful, be bold, and be loving. It can be super fun and sexy, or it can be really destructive depending on your maturity and ability to handle jealousy.