Sophie12 Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 Hi I've been an affair with my ex for the past two years recently he's become really distant with me today he messaged me saying how he doesn't feel the same anymore said he doesn't love me the same because I've changed and I don't listen to him I stupidly said yesterday I was going to look to meet someone else because I was angry but he said that's opened his eyes and I should move on etc I begged him not to end it as I love him so much asked for another chance said I could change he said he would give me another chance but still said he doesn't love me the same when I asked if he could ever again he said I don't think we can ever just be friends so now I'm confused? He's saying I have to do things with my career to get back in his good books and to stop asking about the future and he doesn't know what's going to happen, I'm so confused because if I make all these chances and I go back to how I used to be is he still going to be saying he doesn't love me the same way what do I do.... Link to post Share on other sites
OWAmy Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 If I was to hazard a guess I'd say that he doesn't want you in his life any more. Perhaps when it began there was a feeling of "unfinished business". I reconnected with an ex once upon a time and we came to realise that the same issues that existed then, existed the second time around. Women tend to grow a lot more than men etc etc My ex liked me when I was sweet and dependable on him, then he actively encouraged me to better my career. I ended up being very successful and then he moaned that I was too independent etc... He only changed slightly. We mutually agreed to break up. We're still friendly when we see one another at weddings, parties etc, affection and care still exists now there is "no unfinished business". As a woman, if I didn't want to see someone again I'd be straight down the line. There would be no ambiguity but I'm skilled at delivering bad news in the nicest possible way. This MM lacks this ability, perhaps he's scared of any come back. What he really means is he doesn't want to see you again: the unfinished is now finished as far as he's concerned. But do concentrate on your career. Be financially independent. Do it for yourself and your future use this as a springboard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sophie12 Posted April 15, 2017 Author Share Posted April 15, 2017 If I was to hazard a guess I'd say that he doesn't want you in his life any more. Perhaps when it began there was a feeling of "unfinished business". I reconnected with an ex once upon a time and we came to realise that the same issues that existed then, existed the second time around. Women tend to grow a lot more than men etc etc My ex liked me when I was sweet and dependable on him, then he actively encouraged me to better my career. I ended up being very successful and then he moaned that I was too independent etc... He only changed slightly. We mutually agreed to break up. We're still friendly when we see one another at weddings, parties etc, affection and care still exists now there is "no unfinished business". As a woman, if I didn't want to see someone again I'd be straight down the line. There would be no ambiguity but I'm skilled at delivering bad news in the nicest possible way. This MM lacks this ability, perhaps he's scared of any come back. What he really means is he doesn't want to see you again: the unfinished is now finished as far as he's concerned. But do concentrate on your career. Be financially independent. Do it for yourself and your future use this as a springboard. But why would he say I can have another chance and tell me what do to get in his good books? And say stuff like he doesn't think we can ever just be friends? Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 Theres a good news and a bad news. The good news is that its over ( for him atleast) The bad news is that you dont see it as a good news. He is out of love and no matter what you do to smother him it wont change his feels for you. I am sorry it happened to you but your best bet is to move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 he just wants the sex, that is why he said the things he said.. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 But why would he say I can have another chance and tell me what do to get in his good books? And say stuff like he doesn't think we can ever just be friends? To manipulate you and make you feel grateful that he's giving you the chance to get back to being his mistress. So that you don't dare open your mouth and say you're looking for someone else again. I reckon he saw that as you trying to get him to choose.... I and he wasn't going to fall for that. I'm not sure if you both have primary relationships or just him or just you... but it sounds like he's bored with the affair. Never beg a man to be with you. Unless it's your husband / boyfriend and you've fuc**d up by cheating on them. Walk away... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 Theres a good news and a bad news. The good news is that its over ( for him atleast) The bad news is that you dont see it as a good news. This is it! Time to move on... Never beg a man to be with you. And never, do what he tells you to do for the opportunity to get back into his "good books" - that is extremely manipulative and condescending. My goodness, that is ridiculous! Time to move on and find a real, healthy relationship... And... time to use punctuation in your next post. My goodness that is hard to read without any periods. Use them, please! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 Sophie12, why not just let it go... You know, I just ended it once and for all with one of my, and kind of my primary, AP's. I am divorced now, and we had been seeing each other for several years. I had broken up with her several times for several reasons. I really treated her very poorly several times. And she was no angel, and of course, it turns out that she has some severe emotional issues. A few times that we broke up were because she just kind of freaked out on me. We would get back together off and on. There was a great connection, sexually and emotionally when things were going well. I think, looking back, that she has an obsessive love for me. In some ways it feels great to be loved that way, but it also gets out of control in many ways for both parties. We had been together a lot since my divorce and had some wonderful times. She is also a workaholic, and does not deal with stress and anxiety well at all. So a few weeks ago, with some really stressful stuff going on at work, she had a freak out. She took it out on me, also one of her issues, and decided to breakup with me. This was it for me, I had had enough so I let the breakup stand. She lost her S*** for several weeks and just now seems to have returned to reality. I am telling you all of this so that it may help you understand that when these type of relationships end, it is usually better to let them end. In our case it had started out as an affair and became a real relationship. But whenever one is more invested than the other, it usually never works out. Further, you are still in an affair situation and he is not leaving and even if he did, you guys will never work out, if we look at the odds. It is time to move on with your life for you... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SeenNotHeard Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 OP this is classic IMO. Most married people in affairs do this, it's called managing expectations. He is indirectly putting you in your place. If you want to be seen in a positive light follow his rules, if not, "get lost" Sorry, but that's my perception of the whole episode. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 Sophie, you need counselling and I say that with kindness. I just read a post of yours from last summer where you said this guy cheated on you a lot during your relationship. Then he got married and you became the OW and since then he has had sex with other women besides you. This affair is never going to turn into a happy relationship for you. Married or not your MM is an abusive cheating manipulator and even if he got divorced today that wouldn't change. I see nothing but pain ahead for you if you continue on in any kind of relationship with this man. I'd say be happy that he's ended it but I doubt that he has. This is just more of his games that are designed to hurt and control you. You do need to make changes, but not to please him but to please yourself. Make an appointment with a counsellor and tell them everything and then let them help you help yourself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 Sophie, you need counselling and I say that with kindness. I just read a post of yours from last summer where you said this guy cheated on you a lot during your relationship. Then he got married and you became the OW and since then he has had sex with other women besides you. Married or not your MM is an abusive cheating manipulator and even if he got divorced today that wouldn't change. This is just more of his games that are designed to hurt and control you. If this is the case, then he is a terrible human being who is not worthy of your time or affection. Dear girl, don't chase this man. Turn the other way and find a good counsellor. You are worth more and you deserve much more than this... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 and to stop asking about the future and he doesn't know what's going to happen. He wasn't being honest. He wants you to stop asking about the future because it's NOT GOING to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 I'm sorry he is treating you this way. He is emotionally manipulating you. Be strong and walk way to save yourself even more pain. Been there and done that...the ending is rarely a positive. Link to post Share on other sites
Pete2304 Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Sophie if you read any random selection of my posts you would see that I'm the last person on here to say call it a day but honestly in your case it's over. You know it too. You're not an idiot, you know it's screwed. There are a lot of really decent people here who will help you through the nightmare first couple of months but come on, you know it's done. It hurts like crazy and it's going to keep hurting but it's over. Good luck and keep talking. People on here who I will never even meet have helped me out a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Sophie, Did you read what you wrote when you wrote it? Read it again, pretend it's a stranger writing and not you. Do you honestly think he's genuinely interested in the type of relationship you want? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 I stupidly said yesterday I was going to look to meet someone else because I was angry but he said that's opened his eyes and I should move on etc He is correct, you SHOULD move on. Never chase someone that doesn't want to be with you. If someone says they don't want to be involved with you anymore, walk away right then and there and go play miniature golf or something,,,anything. Anything other than trying to win them back. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Never beg a man to be with you. Unless it's your husband / boyfriend and you've fuc**d up by cheating on them. Never beg anyone to be with you, ever. Whatever the situation. If you've messed up and want another chance (through infidelity, or whatever) you should not be begging, you should be working hard to understand why you did what you did, making sure you won't do it again, and trying to convince your SO of that. Begging is pathetic and achieves nothing - other than demolishing your self-respect and any respect anyone else has for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Sophie, this guy is a jerk-hole, I'm sorry to say. You've subjugated yourself by allowing this behavior to continue for years, knowing it was pointless. He broke up with you, married someone else, and demoted you to the OW. His words and actions show that he doesn't respect you at all, which makes perfect sense - you've not commanded respect in this situation. When a woman loves and respects herself, she has standards. She has boundaries. She wouldn't accept this crap. You should go and create a life for yourself. You are hanging onto him, and there's nothing for you there. The best thing you could ever do is to just say, "You're right," turn, and leave. And never see or talk to him again. It may be the hardest thing you've ever done too, but it will do wonders for you self-worth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Sophie, this guy is a jerk-hole, I'm sorry to say. You've subjugated yourself by allowing this behavior to continue for years, knowing it was pointless. He broke up with you, married someone else, and demoted you to the OW. His words and actions show that he doesn't respect you at all, which makes perfect sense - you've not commanded respect in this situation. When a woman loves and respects herself, she has standards. She has boundaries. She wouldn't accept this crap. You should go and create a life for yourself. You are hanging onto him, and there's nothing for you there. The best thing you could ever do is to just say, "You're right," turn, and leave. And never see or talk to him again. It may be the hardest thing you've ever done too, but it will do wonders for you self-worth. ^^This times 1000. You need to ask yourself why you're allowing yourself to put up with this behavior. You're better than this and deserve more than this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett94 Posted April 22, 2017 Share Posted April 22, 2017 Get in his good books? He actually said that to you ?? I would laugh in his face if ANY man ever said that to me! Can you not see how degrading that is? Walk away 1 Link to post Share on other sites
winterkeep Posted April 22, 2017 Share Posted April 22, 2017 (edited) Well the bad news is that he isn't going to go anywhere. Hes just punishing you by turning you into a begging wreck who's prostrating at his feet, hes doing this so that you can know how worthless you are and because it makes him feel powerful to see you debasing yourself for him, plus he can be sure that you're not going to have a tantrum (i.e. express perfectly understandable human emotions) again in the near future. Keep lowering yourself, push away your genuine emotions and do everything he wants to make him happy and he'll come round. He's devalued you and probably disrespects you even further now but he'll keep you (on the side) - he always has in the past hasn't he? The good news is that you aren't worthless and you can get your self respect back by clearly telling him to eff off and by moving on with your life. After years of this you're definitely going to need to take some time for yourself and will need counseling to work out why you love and respect yourself so little but you can regain your life. Another poster mentioned that you were together, he married someone else and made you his OW? So he had the opportunity to marry you and didn't, that's not a romantic star crossed lovers situation - that's you being treated like you have no value and missing out on opportunities to find a real relationship. What do you want out of this? Edited April 22, 2017 by winterkeep 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted April 22, 2017 Share Posted April 22, 2017 Get in his good books? He actually said that to you ?? I would laugh in his face if ANY man ever said that to me! Can you not see how degrading that is? Walk away OMG, this! I wish my MM had said something like this to me, would have made it so easy to just walk away. I'm not sure you love him. He has probably beat you down so low you act / feel like one who has been abused and need to fix it with your abuser to gain his favor again. Please lose this abuser and get help if you need it. Wishing you all the best for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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